Tag Archives: Fred Armisen

After Life

Amazon original comedy Forever dropped September 14, 2018.

#Forever has not been renewed.

rottentomatoes: 94%

metacritic: 77

imdb: 7.3

June Hoffman, Forever, Amazon Prime Video, Alan Yang Pictures, Normal Sauce, 3 Arts Entertainment, Brillstein Entertainment Partners, Universal Television, Amazon Studios, Amazon Video, Maya RudolphJune Hoffman

Timeshare property manager June Hoffman asphyxiates on a macadamia nut flying to Honolulu, Hawaii pursuing a professional opportunity.

June Hoffman, Forever, Amazon Prime Video, Alan Yang Pictures, Normal Sauce, 3 Arts Entertainment, Brillstein Entertainment Partners, Universal Television, Amazon Studios, Amazon Video, Maya Rudolph“A 2019 ‘Most Beautiful Bass’ calendar?  Holy shit, you got that for free?  Let me see.  Wow.  What a bunch of hunks.  February does have the prettiest eyes.  April’s got the best body.  Yeah, come to mama.  That sounds so romantic.  You know, I did that to a guy in college once.  Yeah.  Thirteen’s a big one?  Is 14 a big one?  Aw.  Hey.  I have this totally crazy idea that I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.  What if… we went somewhere else this year?  What about a ski trip?  It’s active.  It’s outdoors.  I was just reading this great interview with Edie Falco.  She’s every into skiing.  She and her family go all the time.  I know.  She’s amazing.  Yeah.  I think she might have adopted some kids at one point, and… even if she didn’t, it seems like she would.  So let’s go skiing.  My company has some nice properties up in Big Bear.  We could go for cheap.  Mm-hmm.  That we decided to go somewhere new this year?  See?  Let’s do it.  Well… sorry, October, I guess we’ll have to murder you and your family next year.  Aw.  Sad face.  God, no.” — June Hoffman

“Yeah I think it could be fun.  We’re the same age.  Well, I think Oscar and I need to switch things up.  It would be good for us.  No, it’s not that things are going badly.  Everything’s fine.  It’s just, you know, you have to keep working on things all the time.  It’s sort of like tending to a garden.  Okay.  You know what?  Mm.  Yeah, no shit.  Wow, another bartender?  Also, do you think that just because I’m married, I can’t get a baked potato whenever I want?  Because I can.  I’m eating baked potatoes all the fucking time.  Jesus.  What is that?  Oh!  Oh, God.  Oh, wow.” — June Hoffman

“How much farther?  Oh, okay.  So say we weren’t in the car.  What do you think’s the best activity of all time when you have exactly half an hour?  Mm-hmm?  Great in theory, terrible in practice.  See, ’cause you gotta fill the tub, you gotta adjust the temperature, and then by the time you get in the bath, you got about ten minutes left of your half hour.  Mm, I’m sorry about that.  Oh, I got it.  Massage.  How come?  Uh-huh.  Ah.  Oh, no.  Ugh.  Ew!  Ugh, go fuck yourself.  Uh-huh, nice.  I like it.  Right.  Sure.  Mm-hmm.  Ooh!  You could look at your phone for half an hour.  Very strong.  What about sex?  Duh.  Simple.  Easy.  Free.  It’s a little long.  Yeah.  I feel like 20 minutes, tops.  Then you’re just like, ‘what are we doing here?’  I got it.  Okay?  You get into a warm bed, eat a large McDonald’s fries, and sleep for 25 minutes.  Mm?  I got it.  Yes, immediately.  Mm-hmm, it’s pretty good.  Oh, no… oh!” — June Hoffman

“Oh.  I know.  Aw.  Thank you.  Jesus motherfucking Christ, that’s cold!  Good Lord.  Jesus.  Is it gonna be that cold everywhere?  It’s pretty bad.  All right.  We can do this.  On my count of three, let’s go out there.  Together.  You ready?  Okay.  One… two… three.  No!  God!  Fuck!  Good mother… good Lord!  I don’t know.  Let’s just go up to the slopes.  It’ll be warmer if we keep moving.  Oh, fuck you!  Fuck!” — June Hoffman

“Yeah.  He doesn’t know what he’s talking about, honey.  They look great.  What?  What?  Oh, no.  Really?  Shoot.  No, no, no, let me.  I’ll look for it.  Blech.  It’s so wet down here.  It’s disgusting.  Oh, wait.  Is this it?  Ugh, is that a fingernail?  Ew!  Ugh!  What?  Sure.” — June Hoffman

“This line has not moved in 30 minutes.  Finally.  Hello, we’d like to sign up for the adult beginner’s class, please.  Of course they are.” — June Hoffman

“My name is June, and I bet, to a lot of you, I look like I’m probably 100 years old.  That was a joke.  Uh… a little help?  Garb my arm, sweetie.  My glove came off.  Can you just pull my pole?  Oh, yeah.  You guys go ahead and get a head start.  Yep.  Okay.  Look, honey, I’m doing it.  I’m doing the pizza.  Oh, boy.” — June Hoffman

“That was just a funny joke.  Listen, where are your parents?  Are they around?  I would really love to talk to them.  Listen, it wasn’t my idea to be in a class with little kids.  I would prefer to be with a group of adults.  But that class was full.  So we’re just gonna have to make the best of it, all right?  Why don’t you suck my dick?  Oh, gosh.  Understood.  I don’t know why you felt the need to apologize.  He was being really shitty.  What would you have done?  I didn’t push him down the hill.  He lost his balance.  Besides, since when are you the defender of little kids?  That’s a little surprising.  I just mean you never seem like the biggest fan of little kids.  That’s all.  Well, every time we talked about having them, you never seemed that interested.  I don’t totally remember it that way.  I don’t feel like a burger right now.  No.  I… I don’t know what I’m saying.  I’m sorry.  I guess I’m just saying… our lives are fine, but, I mean, don’t you think about what we really accomplished?  I don’t know.  I mean, don’t you ever wonder what the purpose of everything is?  Forget it.  I’m gonna get a glass of rosé at the bar.  Yeah.” — June Hoffman

“I guess.  That’s why I’m here.  Uh, Riverside.  Actually, it kind of sucks.  It’s mostly strip malls and meth labs.  I’m sorry.  I’ve had a very long day.  Yes, maybe I should do that someday.  Really?  Japadogs?  I feel like that name almost sounds offensive but not quite. Sure, why not?  Let’s get some spring rolls.  Uh, June.  Good to meet you too.” — June Hoffman

“Hi.  Yeah, um, my internet thing is flashing red, and it’s never done that before, so I think I need a new thing?  I don’t know.  Oh, I don’t… I don’t know.  Well, I want to FaceTime with my nieces, and one of them moves really fast, and the other one’s a baby, so, um… maybe, like, a medium data?  Mm-hmm.  Yes, I’m… I’m sorry.  It’s just, um, my husband used to handle all the… …uh, technical stuff in our house, and, um… …he’s gone, so now it’s my job.  Go ahead, Karly.  Mesh networks.  It wasn’t a divorce.  He died.  Probably because of me.” — June Hoffman

“It’s been over a year, and I still go through what-ifs.  Like, what if I’d never let him go on that last ski run alone?  What if I’d never forced him to go on the ski trip at all?  Or what if I’d never agreed to date him in the first place, ’cause if I’d said no, then he’d still be alive, right, Karly?  I know.  It’s just so hard, you know?  It’s like, I’m fine for a few days, and then… and then something like this.  Okay.” — June Hoffman

“Hey.  They’re individually packaged wine cups.  So the bottle doesn’t go bad.  And if you buy 12, you get three for free, so I’m basically making money.  It’s early.  What are you doing here?  Well, I can’t get on the internet.  I wanted to drunk-buy some stuff last night, and I couldn’t.  I don’t remember.  I know it was something Japanese.  What?  No.  No, thanks.  Yes.  Thanks, but really, I’m okay.  No.  Can I go to Panda Express and get a pretzel?  What?  Okay, I’ll come.  Mm-hmm.  Do I have to take a shower?  This could take a while.” — June Hoffman

“Here?  Thank you.  Peace be with you.  Peace be with you.  Ooh.  Peace be with you.  Hi.  Peace be with you.  Huh?  Hi.  Hi.  Peace be with you.  Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven.  Give us this day our daily bread… bread… trespasses.  …as we forgive those who have trespassed against us.  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.  For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever and ever.  Amen.” — June Hoffman

“Oh, you did.  Thank you, it’s… it’s a process.  Well, that’s good to hear, ’cause I’ve been having some real weird ones.  Mm.  Peace be with you.  I felt like that was appropriate for the scenario.  No?” — June Hoffman

“You know what the problem with church people is?  They think they can judge everybody else just ’cause they walk into a building once a week and eat a cracker.  None of this is real.  This is just a thing people made up just to feel better about themselves.  There’s… there’s no God.  There’s no plan.  This is all bullshit.” — June Hoffman

“I mean, of course everybody has their stupid little problems.  Every marriage… has that.  He was the best.” — June Hoffman

“Okay.  I’ve never done this sort of thing before, but I’m just gonna… put this out into the universe.  Please let this go well.  I need something good to happen.  That’s it.  Thank you.  Okay.” — June Hoffman

“That’s not really necessary.  Not necessary at all.  Dummy.  You know, you’re right.  I just hope this all works out.” — June Hoffman

“You know, I think the whole time that I’ve known you, I’ve underestimated you a little bit.  Honestly, it’s probably because I used you as an excuse a lot of the time.  Well, sometimes I blamed you for being in the way of me becoming this hypothetical amazing, new version of myself.  But I was never gonna become that person.  Do you remember that awesome new job I told you I got after you died?  The truth is, uh… when I went to interview for the job, I totally freaked out and ran away.  And I only got the job because, basically, everyone that worked at my company got arrested, and I was the only person left.  You weren’t the problem.  I was.  It was just a lot easier to blame you.  And I’m sorry for that.” — June Hoffman

“Hey.  I think we just had our first honest conversation ever.” — June Hoffman

Oscar Hoffman, Forever, Amazon Prime Video, Alan Yang Pictures, Normal Sauce, 3 Arts Entertainment, Brillstein Entertainment Partners, Universal Television, Amazon Studios, Amazon Video, Oscar HoffmanOscar Hoffman

“I was  buying a new fishing rod today, and they were just handing these out.  Totally free.  Can you believe it?  I mean, look at these gorgeous guys.  Look at that.  Mm.  Now, who’s your favorite?  Be honest, all right?  February is pretty good-looking.  Oh, I don’t know. Look at April.  Mm, but October, now, he looks like a real sweetheart.  Right?  Looks like he’d take you out to a nice dinner.  If things are going well, you could rip out his skeleton and eat him.  Mm-hmm.  I can’t believe the lake house trip is only a couple weeks away.  It’s a big one this year.  I thought it was 14.  Well, they’re kind of big ones in a way.  Okay.  Hmm.  I mean, it’s kind of a tradition for us.  But maybe.  Where did you have in mind?  Mm.  Really?  I mean, she’s one of my favorites.  Talented and… …down to earth.  Hundred percent agree.  I love her.  I don’t know.  I already told my staff that we’re going up to the lake house.  So what do I tell them tomorrow if they ask me about it?  Hmm.  Uh, ‘hey, guys, uh, we’re going skiing this weekend.’  Yeah, that could work.  All right.  Let’s go skiing.  Aw, look, you made him sad.  That’s a frown.  His mouth is… I’m gonna throw this in the garbage.  You don’t want it, do you?” — Oscar Hoffman

“We’re actually going skiing instead.  Yeah.” — Oscar Hoffman

“About half an hour.  Okay.  Half an hour.  How about… how about a bath?  A very good point.  Eh, it’s risky.  Because of the masseuse.  Might get a talker.  ‘Hey, you live around here?’  ‘Hey, you want to listen to some music?’  ‘Oh, I love music.’  ‘You a music fan?’  Yeah.  What about watching an episode of Jeopardy?  It’s exciting.  You learn things.  Then during the commercial breaks, you just get to look at your phone.  A very strong contender.  That’s in there.  Ooh.  A great idea.  It’s right there.  You don’t need anything.  Yeah.  I got to say, half an hour’s a little long.  I’m listening.  Wow! You got it.  Fires and going to bed?  That’s the winner.  I’m gonna do it right now.  Sir, you have to dr… you have to drive.” — Oscar Hoffman

“Wow.  How gorgeous is this?  This is so beautiful.  Such a good idea, honey.  Is it  that bad?  You’re scaring me.  All right, all right.  Okay.  Two… three.  God!  Ah!  How are children out in this weather?  Their parents should be put in jail.  Oh, my fucking face.  Fucking air.  God!” — Oscar Hoffman

“Look at these things.  They look so high-tech.  Excuse me.  Um, are these the same kind that professionals wear?  Uh-oh.  I think my contact lens fell out.  Yeah.  It’s not in there.  I’m not used to these things, you know.    Can’t have gone far.  Right around here.  I’ll find it.  Ah.  Well, it’s a boot rental place, so it’s probably a toenail.  Wait, hold on.  I think I actually feel it in there.  Yeah, it’s stuck under the lid.  I can get it.  It’s coming down.  It’s coming down.  It’s coming.  It’s in.  Should we go?” — Oscar Hoffman

“It has been a little long.  But, you know, once we get to actually skiing, it’s gonna be so fun.  We’ll be, like, whipping down the mountain just like Edie Falco and her wonderful family.  Is she married?  I know she has kids.  I don’t know if she… oh, here we go.  Mm.  Is there anything, anything private?  Any other option we can sign up for?” — Oscar Hoffman

“Man down.  We’re okay.  Oopsie.  Her glove came off.  All right? There you go.  Use that.” — Oscar Hoffman

“Good luck, sweetie.  ‘A’ team!  Hey!  We’re upper middle class.  I’m a dentist.  Okay, so… I talked to Jasper’s dad.  Also quite a character.  Good news, according to him, ‘the little shit had it coming.’  Which I guess is bad news for Jasper’s home life.  Well… you probably could have been a little more patient.  I don’t know.  I wouldn’t have pushed him down the hill.  Okay.  What does that mean?  I love kids.  I get along great with them.  Whoa.  Wha… I mean, we both agreed we weren’t gonna have kids, right?  Okay.  Should we… should we go get some food?  I feel like we’re both just really hungry.  Let’s get burgers.  I bet they’re really terrible.  I’m sorry.  I don’t totally understand what you’re saying.  So… you want kids now.  Uh, not really.  No.  Well… I’m gonna go get some more practice runs in.  All right, well, see you after, then?” — Oscar Hoffman

“It’s okay.  I’m okay.  Yes, Jasper. I think it’s pretty clear that I’m scared.” — Oscar Hoffman

“I mean, it’s nice of you to say those things, but… you weren’t totally wrong to blame me.  I never made it easy for you.  There were times when I knew you weren’t happy, and there were times where I wasn’t happy, but I was always afraid to talk to you about it.  I don’t know.  I think, in the back of my mind, I was scared that if we really did talk about our problems, you’d realize that you were way out of my league.  Yeah, I know it sounds stupid.  God, I ended up making everything worse and pushing you away.  God, and here we are.  So I’m sorry too.” — Oscar Hoffman

“Too bad it wasn’t when we were alive.” — Oscar Hoffman

Sharon, Forever, Amazon Prime Video, Alan Yang Pictures, Normal Sauce, 3 Arts Entertainment, Brillstein Entertainment Partners, Universal Television, Amazon Studios, Amazon Video, Kym WhitleySharon

“So you’re picking up a new hobby?  Mm.  At your age?  Uh, yeah, knee-deep in our 40s.  You’re supposed to be quitting shit, not adding on.  Ugh, you married people always talk about ‘mixing things up.’  That sounds real bleak.  Like I said, ‘bleak.’  All right.  You know, I love being single.  You know what I do?  Whatever I want all the time.  Yeah.  Last night, I wanted me a baked potato.  So I went on down to Ruth’s Crhis.  Mm!  And now I’m trading filthy pictures with the bartender.  Aw, all right, all right.  You got a good thing going on.  What you think about this, though?  It’s either very close up or very far away.  Pull it… pull it back a little bit.  Okay?  Yeah.” — Sharon

“I know you’re in there!  June?  Let me see.  What’s up, girl?  Holy shit.  What… what is all this?  What… what is this?  I came to check on you, make sure you’re okay.  And obviously you are not.  Aww.  What were you trying to buy?  Hmm.  Okay.  All right, we need to get you out of here.  Listen, I want you to go to church with me this morning.  Oh, you think you’re too good for church?  I just think it would be good for you to be around some nice people.  Ah, ah, ah, ah.  Come on.  I know it’s around the time of year that… it happened, but I’m not leaving you alone.  And if you go to church with me, I’ll get you something to eat at the mall.  No, you cannot.  ‘Cause we’re going to the Cheesecake Factory.  Mm, okay.  All right, pretty girl.  Go get dressed… mm-hmm, all that.  Oof, and gargle.  That’s my girl.” — Sharon

“This is gonna be good.  Let’s see.  Oh, oh, oh.  Let’s sit there.  Mm-hmm.  What are you doing?  We don’t say that here.  Just sit down.” — Sharon

“Um, maybe you you can help us out.  See, my friend here, her husband died a year ago, and she wants this outfit so she can move on and shit.  Thank you.  Bless you.  You need this.  Bitch, someone is paying you to go to Hawaii.  It’s already worked out.  You’re gonna crush that shit.  Come here.” — Sharon

Dr. Mohammed, Forever, Amazon Prime Video, Alan Yang Pictures, Normal Sauce, 3 Arts Entertainment, Brillstein Entertainment Partners, Universal Television, Amazon Studios, Amazon Video, Amir KorangyDr. Mohammed

“Going to the lake house this weekend?  Oh.  That’s different.” — Dr. Mohammed

Ski Instructor, Forever, Amazon Prime Video, Alan Yang Pictures, Normal Sauce, 3 Arts Entertainment, Brillstein Entertainment Partners, Universal Television, Amazon Studios, Amazon Video, Seri DeYoungSki Instructor

“I’m sorry, all the adult classes are filled up for the day.  Mm.  Sorry about that.  Let me check.  There’s one thing we could do.” — Ski Instructor

Christian, Forever, Amazon Prime Video, Alan Yang Pictures, Normal Sauce, 3 Arts Entertainment, Brillstein Entertainment Partners, Universal Television, Amazon Studios, Amazon Video, C.J. ValleroyChristian

“All right, uh, everyone say their name and age.  We’re gonna go around the horn.  Well, ma’am, this class is only 45 minutes, so we got to move on.  Why don’t you guys ski over to the conveyer belt over there?  All right?  You sure you’re okay?  You don’t need some help?  You sure?  Okay.  We’ll see you up the mountain.  Just go left.  All right.  Go ahead and start when I blow the whistle.  There you go.  There you go, Oscar.  Nice job, ‘A’ team.  Let’s go up to the top and start the race again.  All… all right, Jasper.  This is just for fun.  Everyone’s learning.  Okay, ma’am, this is becoming disruptive.  I didn’t want to have to do this, burt you’re gonna have to take off your skis and go sit down by the Time-Out Dog.” — Christian

Jasper, Forever, Amazon Prime Video, Alan Yang Pictures, Normal Sauce, 3 Arts Entertainment, Brillstein Entertainment Partners, Universal Television, Amazon Studios, Amazon Video, Connor FalkJasper

“I’m Jasper, and I’m almost 12.  It was?  I want to switch teams.  She sucks.  Why are there old people in this class anyways?  She’s 100.  They’re having fun skiing because they know how.  They’ve been skiing since they were kids because they aren’t poor.  Cool brag, dude.  No.  I don’t want to be on your team.  Why don’t you go back to the lodge and sit on your old, fat ass?” — Jasper

“What’s wrong?  You scared or something?  Pussy.” — Jasper

Clint, Forever, Amazon Prime Video, Alan Yang Pictures, Normal Sauce, 3 Arts Entertainment, Brillstein Entertainment Partners, Universal Television, Amazon Studios, Amazon Video, Michael WeaverClint

“Cold enough for ya?  Fair enough.  We got a live on here!  Course, I’m used to the cold.  I’m from Vancouver.  Where are you from?  Oh, wow.  What’s it like there?  Whoa.  Well, don’t sugarcoat it for me.  Listen, you don’t have to apologize to me.  But if you’re looking for a change of scenery, you should come to Vancouver.  Oh, you’d love it there.  It’s a wonderful city.  Very cosmopolitan.  There’s actually a large Asian population there now.  Oh, yeah.  They just move right in.  They love it there.  I am a huge, huge Asian food fan myself.  Fried rice, sushi.  We have these Japanese hot dogs there.  They’re called Japadogs.  And they come with seaweed and mayo on them.  They’re nuts.  I just love them.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Oh, man, I’m getting hungry just talking about them.  You want to get some spring rolls?  I saw them on the menu earlier.  I have to confess, I’ve been thinking about ordering them for a while.  Okay.  One order of spring rolls.  And another round of rosé for the lady.  What’s your name?  June.  Clint.  Great to meet you.” — Clint

Karly, Forever, Amazon Prime Video, Alan Yang Pictures, Normal Sauce, 3 Arts Entertainment, Brillstein Entertainment Partners, Universal Television, Amazon Studios, Amazon Video, Jee Young HanKarly

“Hi.  Is there anything I can help you with?  Okay.  Well, it will be my pleasure to help you with that.  It’s definitely a router issue?  Because it could be your ISP.  Has there been an outage in your area?  Okay, uh, do you know what speed you’re looking for?  Do you use a lot of data? Okay, uh, one thing you might be interested in doing is setting up what’s called a mesh network.  It’s a way to maximize the area of your coverage.  Ma’am, are you okay?  A, uh, mesh network uses a primary router… …connected to your broadband.  Uh, this one has an app for your phone that lets you… hey.  So I know divorce can be really hard, but you’ll get through it.  My mom had it rough for a while, but… then she met Luke, and now they do escape rooms.  Look, you can’t torture yourself.  Sometimes a terrible thing happens and all we can do is just live through it.  I’m sorry.  My shift is actually over in a few minutes, but if you want, I can get my assistant manager Brent over here to grieve with you.  Great.  Brent, you’re needed in audio/video for… actually, I’m gonna come explain it to you.” — Karly

Kase, Forever, Amazon Prime Video, Alan Yang Pictures, Normal Sauce, 3 Arts Entertainment, Brillstein Entertainment Partners, Universal Television, Amazon Studios, Amazon Video, Catherine KeenerKase

Forever, Amazon Prime Video, Alan Yang Pictures, Normal Sauce, 3 Arts Entertainment, Brillstein Entertainment Partners, Universal Television, Amazon Studios, Amazon Video

Endocrine Flux

Netflix original comedy Big Mouth dropped its first season September 29, 2017.

#BigMouth season 2 has been confirmed.

rottentomatoes: 100%

metacritic: 80

imdb: 8.1

Continue reading Endocrine Flux

Police Work

FOX Broadcasting original comedy Brooklyn Nine-Nine premieres its fifth season Tuesday.

#Brooklyn99 season 6 has not yet been confirmed.

rottentomatoes: 95%

metacritic: 70

imdb: 8.3

emmys: 2 wins

Continue reading Police Work

Eternal Optimism

Netflix original comedy Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt copped five Primetime Emmy nominations this year.

#KimmySchmidt has been renewed for season 4.

rottentomatoes: 97%

metacritic: 78

imdb: 7.8

emmys: 18 nominations

Continue reading Eternal Optimism