Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversalTV, Ellie Kemper

Eternal Optimism

Netflix original comedy international dating apps free copped five Primetime Emmy nominations this year.

#KimmySchmidt singles night colchester for season 4.

rottentomatoes: 97%

metacritic: 78

imdb: 7.8

emmys: 18 nominations

Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversalTV, Ellie KemperUnbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversal TV, Ellie Kemper, Jane Krakowski, Tituss Burgess, Carol KaneUnbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversal TV, Ellie KemperUnbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversal TV, Ellie KemperUnbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversal TV, Ellie KemperKimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversalTV, Ellie Kemper Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversalTV, Ellie KemperKimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversalTV, Ellie KemperKimmy Schmidt

Kimmy Schmidt spends half her life trapped in a bunker avoiding rapture under the manipulations of a Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne.  Her unrelenting positivity helps her through this trauma.


2 nominations: 2016, 2017

Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversalTV, Ellie Kemper

“Merry Christmas, sisters.  Now, which one of you guys have been chosen as my secret Santa?  Oh, no!  Oh, no!  Fire monsters!  But it’s here.  It’s all still here.” — Kimmy Schmidt

“Yes, Reverend Richard told us that there had been a nuclear apocalypse and that the earth had been scorched and there were lakes of fire and stuff.  And we are so grateful.  But, honestly, we don’t love that name.  No, no, no, no.” — Kimmy Schmidt

“Stop!  Pull over, please.  I’m not going back.  I’m staying here.  That’s not true!  We’re not garbage.  We’re human beings.  I have to get my life back.  Everyone in Durnsville is always gonna look at me like I’m a victim, and that’s not what I am.” — Kimmy Schmidt

“We’re running!  Outside!  Ooh!  Whee!  I’m gonna go all the way around!  I’m having candy for dinner.  Apartments, hmm.  Hey.  I saw you steal this.  Where is your grown-up?  Are you alone?  Or are you some kind of tiny businessman, sir?  I’m not stranger danger!  I’m a stranger danger ranger!” — Kimmy Schmidt

“Uh, excuse me.  Ma’am?  Uh, I’m here about the ad?  I’m your new roommate.  Next question.  No and no.  Nowhere yet.  He’s right.  I am gonna need a job.  Thanks.  Yeah.” — Kimmy Schmidt

“Hi, I’m Kimmy.  I’m a big fan of your products, particularly the shark gummies, which I hadn’t seen elsewhere.  And I’m interested in any employment opportunities that you might have– where do you live?  No.  Ma’am, I found your son.  Liar!  No.  No.  Ma’am, I’m a stranger.  Ma’am, what do you mean, you’re not allowed outside?  Is that your reverend?  Did he peel your face?  Do you need help?  Answer me honestly.  Do you need help?  I never have.  Can I just say how grateful I am for this opportunity?  Oh, it’s Kimmy.  I’m awesome at it.  No, thanks.  What in the ham sandwich?  I just got a job.  Oh, I’m very normal.  I’ve had everything normal happen to me.” — Kimmy Schmidt

“Hey, guys.  I got a job.  It pays $17 an hour, under the tables, but I can pay in advance right now with my… tax refund.  Actually, I would rather live with someone.  I’m kind of used to having roommates.  Is that a real robot?  Do people have robots now?  Huh?  Ha!  I will be very comfortable in here.  It’s like two Cyndees by a Gretchen.  A window.  My own window!  And it has this.  Oh, this is it.  What?  Okay.  Well, the truth is, I’m from Indiana– nice try, Titus.  There’s no light bulb in there.   So what do you want to do tonight?  We should go out to celebrate.  I mean, I got a job today.  I got an apartment.  I met you.  Come on, we should go dancing someplace cool, like Club Bombay from Moesha.  I’ll pay for everything.” — Kimmy Schmidt

“Am I?  She’s my favorite American girl doll.  Titus, dancing is about butts now.  Yeah, it’s easier to dance.  Okay.  Oh!  Yes, go have fun.  Oh, hey, Titus?  Does this backpack look babyish?  Hey.  As if.  Opposite day. Ugh, alcohol… tastes good.  I like it.  They checked it for lice at the hospital.  Yes.  Do it.  I’m fine.  What the fudge?  My backpack.  Someone yanked my backpack!  Shut up.  My money’s in there.  But you got to help me find it.  It’s a purple Jansport.” — Kimmy Schmidt

“I’m so sorry.  I was up all night.  All my money got stolen, and I haven’t had a clock since my Tamagotchi died.  What were strikes one and two?  Has baseball changed?” — Kimmy Schmidt

“You’re okay.  You’re okay.  You are a person.  This is your home now.  Look, you have a window.  Come on, Kimmy.  Come on!  You’re garbage, Kimmy!  They stole my backpack.  I can’t do this.  Reverend Richard was right.  Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne, senior prophet and CFO of Savior Rick’s Spooky Church of the Scary Apocalypse.  I am one of the Indiana Mole Women.  Because I just want to be a normal person, and I can’t.  I don’t know anything.  I can’t tell phones from cameras.  Even policeman have tattoos.  What?  You don’t understand.  But, Titus– no.  But I haven’t met anybody.  You were in The Lion King on Broadway?  But you are such a good singer.  I heard you.  Well, you got out of Mississippi.  Yes, there was weird sex stuff in the bunker.  $13,000.  Wow.  But you will be evicted.” — Kimmy Schmidt

“Ugh!  Gosh dang it.  Ew!  Oh, secret Santa.  Oh, Cyndee.” — Kimmy Schmidt

“Reverend Richard?  I was wondering, the whole world was destroyed, and everything died, right?  Then how come, when I was cleaning out the air filter earlier, I found this!  If all the animals are dead, where’d this rat come from?  No, you won’t.” — Kimmy Schmidt

“Titus Andromedon!  Ronald Wilkerson, I know you’re in there.  I’m not going back.  I’m not gonna go back, and neither are you.  Protect me from what?  The worst thing that ever happened to me happened in my own front yard.  Life beats you up, Titus.  It doesn’t matter if you get tooken by a cult or you’ve been rejected over and over again at auditions.  You can either curl up in a ball and die, like we thought Cyndee did that time, or you can stand up and say, ‘we’re different.  We’re the strong ones, and you can’t break us.’  We are going to pay the rent, I’m gonna get my job back, and I’m going to kiss a boy.  And you’re going to sign at the Grammys with Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson.  Just sing for these people!  Because that is what you came here to do.  ♪ Singalong-a Hey, la agawaga ♪ Singalong-a Hey, la macarena ♪ It’s the circle ♪ The circle of Life ♪” — Kimmy Schmidt

“All right, Kimmy, listen up.  I’m listening!  Good!  Day two in New York City, and you’ve already got a room with a door, a new pair of shoes, and a black friend.  Are you kidding me?  No, I’m not.  Now all you have to do is get your job back.  It’s Kimmy, ma’am.  And I deserved it.  But I also think I deserve a second chance.  I’m a hard worker, I’m proficient in WordPerfect and Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing, and I can hold my breath for a real long time.  Watch.  I know.  Buckley’s birthday is today.  That was the fanciest sentence I’ve ever heard, and I used to watch Frasier.  You won’t regret this, Mrs. Voorhees.  I’m pretty great at birthday challenges.” — Kimmy Schmidt

“It’s my hair and Donna Maria’s hair.” — Kimmy Schmidt

“Hey!  Shopping.  It’s Times Square, where New Yorkers shop.  Why are you dressed like a robot?  Remember dream following?  Look, we both listen to the tapes.  Let me take care of Columbia House.  Let me take care of the rent for a little while.  I got my job back.  Well, that costume’s got to be worth something.  Maybe you could sell it.  Whoa.  With that kind of money, you could produce your own show.  Maybe something about being black and gay and bald and– well, you can at least buy some new clothes.  That’s the spirit.  Look out, New York.  Nothing can stop us now.” — Kimmy Schmidt

“♪ Well, they call me cool Kimmy ♪ ‘Cause I like to rap ♪  What?  Who are you?  I wasn’t rapping.  Okay, I’ve gotten botulism a bunch of times from spoiled canned goods, so I know lots of ways to make people throw up.  She’ll be okay, but she really should see a doctor.  I’m sorry.  Does one of you live here?  Mrs. Voorhees didn’t tell me that she had a daughter.  I’m Kimmy, and I’m going to have to tell your stepmother that you were drinking.” — Kimmy Schmidt

“Mrs. Voorhees. Um… uh, but I really need to talk to you about your stepdaughter.  Her friends left, but I think you should know that they were drinking alcohol… on purpose.  But– you’re going to punish… ‘Sam-pippy,’ right?  Someone needs to ground her.  Wait.  You want me to ground her?  Oh, it’s a superhero birthday party, just like you wanted.  But it is for a child.  This?  NO, you were clear.  I can do better.  Okay.  So I should spend– okay.  Like a million bucks!”

“Where do you think you’re going?  Put down your Game Boy and look at me.  Your stepmother expects you to be at your half-brother’s party when your full father gets here.  Xanadu, you’re grounded.  By the power vested i me as an adult who is grown-up, you’re grounded.  Pancakes.  Got it.  I would call this back-talk, missy, and you’re not just back-talking me.  Your stepmother asked me to ground you.  It’s okay, Kimmy.  You can do this job.  Right, Vera?”

“Hey, Super Buckley.  Aw.  That’s the worst.  But I’ve got a little trick that might help.  I learned a long time ago that a person can stand just about anything for ten seconds.  So, whether you’re turning a heavy crank, the purpose of which is unknown to this day, or just waiting around to open some presents, all you got to do is… ♪ Take it ten seconds at a time ♪  Huh?  A scrunchy that’s also a wallet?  And you worked at the post office?  So is Mr. Voorhees on his way?” — Kimmy Schmidt

“How are you liking my Baby-Sitters Club Mystery, sister Gretchen?  It’s really no trouble.  See, you can stand anything for ten seconds.  Then you just start on a new ten seconds.  Nine, ten.  One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.  One, two, three, four…” — Kimmy Schmidt

“I’m sorry.  Well, I’m sorry, Titus, but you can’t stop working.  I have to quit my job.  You don’t understand.  I can’t do it.  This family– the mother is having some sort of breakdown, while her stepdaughter is running around drinking and sexing.  The little boy is a devil, probably because the father is never around.  Oh, they’re super rich.  Their toilet has another reverse toilet next to it.  These people have so many towels,and you’re not allowed to use any of them! I know that, Titus.  That’s the problem.  I like helping people.  I’m good at it.  I helped you get your life back together.  I helped keep the Mole Women sane all those years.  And this morning, I helped an old man at the supermarket who needed me to get all that stuff out of his pockets.  But I don’t know how to help the Vorheeseses.  Almost.  Urethra!  That’s it!  The book!  How did I not remember this?  I can fix it.  I can fix everything!  Titus, I need you to get your robot suit back.” — Kimmy Schmidt

“Hey, Xan, going somewhere?  Cool.  Um, one thing before you go– your boyfriend this summer, what did you say his name was– Thrash?  ‘Cause I can’t remember.  Did you tell me that he surfed at night so his nemesis Gonzo wouldn’t sabotage his board again before the big competition.  Or did I read about it?  Everything you’ve said about your boyfriend is straight out of Baby-Sitters Club Mystery Number 12, colon, Dawn and the Surfer Ghost.  Isn’t that right, Kelea?  Or should I say Xan?  I only had two books with me down in the… reading nook when I was growing up and this was one of them.  Yeah.  It’d be a shame if Simone or Vidalia were to find out your story was a lie taken from a book for middle schoolers.  Go to your room, Xan, ’cause you’re fudging grounded.  This is for your own good.  You’re a kid, and childhood is precious.  It’s okay that you’re a virgin.  I know you are… but what am I?” — Kimmy Schmidt

“Mrs. Voorhees?  Okay, but just so you know, I grounded Xan.  She’s in her room listening to a rock tape, and Buckley is downstairs having the best birthday of his life.  I did.  I’m sorry that the party wasn’t what you wanted it to be.  You know, who among us is a perfect foot slut?  Mrs. Voorhees… do you think you can make it through the next ten seconds?  No, but it will be very soon.  And then you start on the next ten seconds.  Just take it ten seconds at a time.  Everything will be okay.  Well, why don’t you get some rest, Mrs. Voorhees?  One, two, three, four, five…” — Kimmy Schmidt

“You okay out there, Titus?” — Kimmy Schmidt

Xanthippe Voorhees, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NCBUniversal TV, Dylan GelulaXanthippe Voorhees

“You, help.  We were playing vodka shotzeeto pre-game for Dexter’s party tonight, and Simone kept losing ’cause she’s really bad at math, and I think she has alcohol poisoning.  We have to pump her stomach but we can’t take her to the hospital because her dad’s running for Congress.  Don’t let her die.  She’ll kill me!  Her boyfriend’s an ophthalmologist, but he’s on vacation with his wife.  Jacqueline?  I’m her stepdaughter.  And you’re what, the new Hunong?  No, you don’t.  I’m 15, and I’m pretty much your boss.  Um…can you go?  We’re, like, in here.  Oh, my God.” — Xanthippe Voorhees

“Out.  My what?  Ew.  I’ll be back in, like, an hour.  God.  Xanthippe.  And what?  Okay.  Kimmy, IMHO… this is not gonna work, ’cause nannies like you– I chew you up, and I spit you out, just like all my food.  You know, Disney lies to little girls.  Stepmothers aren’t scary, and nannies aren’t magical, and dwarves do not lot let you sleep in their house without expecting something.” — Xanthippe Voorhees

“I can’t wait.  The babysitter tried to bust me for drinking, but I own her.  You’re so lucky.  Remember how I was, like, so bummed I had to see my grandparents in California?  Well, I met this surfer, like, blond, blue eyes, tan, okay?  And he called me ‘Kelea’ which is, like, a Hawaiian princess.  Anyway, he practiced surfing at night, and we’d meet up after and do it on the beach.” — Xanthippe Voorhees

“You still work here?  Cool.  Yeah, Thrash.  When did I– how did you know that?  You cannot tell anyone about this.  That’s not true.  Those books are recommended for 12 and up.  ‘And up,’ Kimmy!  I hate you.  What is your deal?  What kind of 29-year-old woman wears light-up Skechers?  This isn’t over.  I’m gonna figure you out, Kimmy, and then I’m gonna destroy you.” — Xanthippe Voorhees

Lillian Kaushtupper, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversal TV, Carol KaneLillian Kaushtupper

“You want smoke?  Her-ron?  The roommate ad.  My God, you’re here about the ad.  I own the building.  Come on.  It’s a garden-level maisonette.  Look at you!  You look so nice.  And Titus is a very, very sweet boy.  A little crusty on the outside but a soft heart, like a wonderful French roll.  But black.  It’s Lillian, dear.  It’s gonna be wonderful for him to have a roommate, because he’s very isolated but so talented but disillusioned but a genius.  And he’s single but very gay.  And he doesn’t know I placed the ad.  Okay, so sue me.  You need a roommate.  Honey, you also don’t pay the rent.  You know I do not want to evict you.  Just consider her, please?  Honey, you come back here with a job, the place is yours.  Oh, but don’t wear that yellow sweater, ’cause the Crips’ll think you’re in the Banana Boys.  It’s a new gang.  There weren’t any good colors left.  Nice to meet ya!” — Lillian Kaushtupper

“Because it’s all I could carry.  Tomorrow real movers come, Titus, and evict you.  You know I love you.  I can have his things out by tonight.  Oh, you have decided, have you?  Well, I’m the one that placed the ad… when will I be getting my money?  Touché.  You people have suffered.” — Lillian Kaushtupper

“Hey, walk of shame.  Me, too.  Just sat down.” — Lillian Kaushtupper

Buckley Voorhees, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversal TV, Tanner FloodBuckley Voorhees

“Stranger danger!  Stranger danger!  She never picked me up, so I was just walking home.” — Buckley Voorhees

“My mom said I can’t open any presents until my dad gets home.  I did, and I already have all this stuff.  And I hate superheroes.  Because I’m pretending to be a super villain!  I like how they blow up hospitals.” — Buckley Voorhees

“Die, Iron Man!  Die!  Thanks, Kimmy!  Awesome party.” — Buckley Voorhees

Donna Maria Nuñez, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversal TV, Sol Miranda

Donna Maria Nuñez

“Si, Happy Maids.  Indiana.  Happy Maids.  Adios.”

“¿Qué, qué?  I never gave you my hair!”

Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversal TV, Tituss BurgessTitus Andromedon


3 nominations: 2015, 2016, 2017

“Who the [static] is it?  Oh.  What is it, Lillian?  Who is this?  Lillian, I’m a model tenant!  I don’t make noise.  I don’t fry fish.  Because I don’t have money.  What is your current address?  May I see a recent letter of employment or two recent pay stumps?  Where do you work?  I pronounce you ridiculous.  Come back when you got a J-O-B!” — Titus Andromedon

“What?  Lillian, why is my doll furniture on the curb?  How dare you?  Lillian, I helped you take a shower once.  Hey, white weirdo.  Lillian.  I have decided I will be taking a roommate.  Yes, I’ve decided.  Okay.  J’approve.  What about my money?  Slavery reparations, Lillian.  What?  That’s my bedroom.  You’ll be staying in my office.  Where’s the rest of your stuff?  You got a secret.  You moved to New York City today with a bag full of cash, no stuff, and what is clearly a wig.  Somebody in here got beans.  Spill them.  Oh, okay.  That explains why you’re so basic.  Say no more.  So let’s get this dirty rent business out of the way.  As you know, we owe Lillian two months’ back rent, so that’s $950.  Plus this upcoming month.  And, of course, there’s a one-month security deposit.  Also, ever since you moved in, this lamp stopped working.  So that’s another $100.  You got me!  You are so very cosmopolitan.  Honestly, listen to Diana Ross albums alone while I do my stretches to alleviate my gas.  I envy you.  I’ve never been able to meet me.  Whoo!  Things are behind in Indiana.  ♪ I’m going out I’m going ♪” — Titus Andromedon

“It is, girl.  Hello.  I do not want to abandon you, but I’ve been invited to have Korean food with that pretty chorus boy.  It is a backpack.” — Titus Andromedon

“Reconsider, girl.  I was sleepin’.  What?  Wait, who?  Foo?  From the news.  Why didn’t you tell me?  Pack up your trifles and whatnots.  Get your things and go home.  New York City is not for you.  Oh, I do understand.  Girl.  My name is not Titus.  My name is Ronald Wilkerson.  I came here in 1998 on a damn bus from Chickasaw County, Mississippi.  You know who leaves Chickasaw County?  Nobody.  Have you ever meet a person from Mississippi?  My point is… this was me then.  I was cute, just like you.  Showed my teeth when I smiled, just like you.  I changed my name to Titus Andromedon, and I marched myself in to audition for The Lion King.  Yes, except I was not.  I auditioned for The Lion King 20 times in 15 years until they finally told me, ‘you are not passing as a straight giraffe.’  I have not sung in public in three years.  You want to know what I do now?  I dress up in that robot costume in Times Square, and I pass out flyers for an arcade.  My boss is 17 years old, I get paid in quarters, and I’m starting to think cab drivers are hitting me on purpose.  Escaping is not the same as making it, Kimmy.  I’m very scared to ask you this– let me finish.  How much money was in your backpack? ♪ No, no, no, no ♪  Why?  Take your rent money back, buy yourself a bus ticket, and leave this place.  Don’t worry about me.  I’m pretty but tough, like a diamond… or beef jerky in a ball gown.  Go.” — Titus Andromedon

“What are you doing here, Amelia Bedelia?  I told you to go back to Indiana.  I’m trying to protect you.  Some of which you paid to attend.  Bad examples, but yes.  ♪ It’s the circle of life ♪ And it moves us all ♪ It’s the circle ♪ The circle of Life ♪” — Titus Andromedon

“Yeezus!  What are you doing back here?  Yes, Kimmy, I do, but I can’t exactly quit my job.  I’ve still got bills to pay.  If I stop paying Columbia House, I stop getting my tapes.  I don’t know, baby girl.  I mean, rent is one thing, but I need new head shots, new clothes, new teeth, botox to stop my sweating.  No, this thing’s a rental.  But I gave them a security deposit.  That’s $200.  Okay.  But I’ve already been down that road, Kimbert.  After my tenth failed Lion King audition, I tried to stage my own version.  All right.” — Titus Andromedon

“♪ Wee Bobby Doop-doo ♪ Sanjaya ♪ Oh, no-no ♪ Wheeeeeeee Bobby Doop-doo ♪ Sanjaya ♪ Oh, no-no, wait ♪ Oh– fair enough.” — Titus Andromedon

“That is ridiculous.  I treated this suit like a beautiful lady, which is to say, I did not touch it.  Unacceptable.  I need that money to pursue my dream of stardom.” — Titus Andromedon

“I’m not Iron Man.  All I want to do is get rid of this stupid costume, but they won’t give me my security deposit back.  Yes.  He said it was damaged.  It’s a scam.  This will not stand!” — Titus Andromedon

“So everyone here has tried to get out of this game?  And no one got their deposit back?  That man is cheating us… out of our dreams.  We got to do something.  No.  Stop suggesting that.  But she’s right, Dale.  You’re not Cookie Monster.  And I’ m not Iron Man.  And that is definitely not Miss Piggy.  I know what we’re gonna do.” — Titus Andromedon

“Open the register, Ray.  Time to make like a dwarf at a jukebox and pay up.  No.  But that’s not what they are.  They’re an Aloha Cat and Treat Creature.  And I’m not Iron Man.  I’m Metal Hero Friend.  None of us are licensed, and by renting these costumes, you’re infringing on the intellectual property of The Children’s Television Workshop, Marvel Comics, Walt Disney, and Japan PervCo.  Let’s just say I had some firsthand experience with Disney’s copyright lawyers.  Pay up, old man, every cent that you owe these losers.” — Titus Andromedon

“I did it, Kimothy.  I got my security deposit back.  I got rid of that robot costume, and I got to yell at an old white man.  Say what?  No, no, no, no, no.  You can’t do that.  One of us has to put food on my Barbie-themed TV trays.  It sounds like this family either has no money or way too much.  Oh, no, you cannot work there.  Rich New Yorkers are the worst.  They buy up buildings for themselves and ruin neighborhoods.  They’re always inventing new types of dogs that the world doesn’t need.  And what do they do with their money?  They give it to charities to cure malaria in other countries.  Well, call me crazy, but I say cure malaria at home first.  I don’t blame you for bailing.  I mean, people like that need serious help.  Lil’ Kim, there is nothing you can do to help these crazy people.  You’re just a sweet girl with an eighth-grade education.  You’ve read, like, two books in the last 15 years.  You’re not gonna– but I already did something today.” — Titus Andromedon

“No!  Please, not in the crotch!  No!  Look, look, look, look, look, look.  Iron Man is sorry, Professor Genocide.  I mean, you should blow up the hospital.  So… truce?  Oh.  Aw, damn it.  What white bitch got him golf clubs?  I’ve made less for worse.” — Titus Andromedon

Jacqueline Voorhees, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversal TV, Jane KrakowskiJacqueline Voorhees


1 nomination: 2015

“Thank God.  Are you the dog masseuse?  Buckley?  Where’s Hunong? I’m sorry.  And you work for the school?  So you’re an uber driver? So you are the dog masseuse?  Buckey, please get in here.  You know I’m not allowed outside.  Okay.  I had a face peel.  I’m sorry?  I do.  It’s $17 an hour cash, under the table.  You’ll need to sign an NDA and a DNR.  Do you get sick in helicopters?  You’ll need to be here by 6:00 every morning to get Buckley up for school.  Then get me up at 10:00, but don’t wake me up.  I’m sorry.  What is your name?  Kimmy.   Are you good at braiding hair?  Fantastic.  Of course, you’ll have meet the horses first.  Do you want a water?  Okay.  This is Charles.  He’s a tutor.  He’ll help you do Buckley’s homework.  Also, it’s Buckley’s birthday tomorrow, so you’ll need to make a cake that’s cute but also paleo.  Swedish, 90 minutes, medium pressure.  I’m going to bed.” — Jacqueline Voorhees

“Actually, Buckley, this isn’t your worst birthday ever.  Your worst birthday ever was when you busted my genitals.  Uh-uh, this is strike three.” — Jacqueline Voorhees

“Oh.  Didn’t I fire you?  I want to say… Cornmo?  But you were two hours late on your first day!  Do you have any idea how much I have on my plate?  Not literally, of course.  The point is, I’m extremely busy.  First, our nanny quits, then you don’t show up, then my pilates guy gets a part on Royal Pains, so I have to go to Michelle.  Michelle!  Look, I don’t like giving second chances, but I appreciate your lack of pride.  So, if you can handle Buckley’s birthday party, I’ll consider bringing you back on.  But this is your last chance.  I’m not running a charity here, except the one where I donate my old towels to poor people with the same initials as me.  My husband, Julian, is flying in from London for the party.  Well, Julian’s only here for one night, and I want everything to be perfect.  You have four hours to plan a superhero birthday party for 20 children and their Caribbean chaperones.  Well, good luck.  I’d hate to have to fire you again.” — Jacqueline Voorhees

“Mm?  Now not, Kimmy.  In preparation for Julian’s return,  went to the gyno-dermatologist. I need to lie down with my feet and heart above my vagina.  Xanthippe?  She’s home already?  Are her friends with her?  They’re so mean and cool.  Sometimes I look at them at Barney’s from behind a pillar.  Okay, I can’t deal with this right now.  Today is too important.  Just make sure Xanthippe is at Buckley’s party.  You don’t understand.  Being a stepmom isn’t easy.  Xan isn’t going to listen to me ’cause we’re basically the same age.  Okay.  You can try.  But don’t cry in front of her, even if she calls you a MILF and then says, ‘not!’  And then everyone in the Admirals Club laughs at you.  Yes, please.” — Jacqueline Voorhees

“What is all this?  I hope you’re joking.  This looks like a party for a child.  This is a disaster.  You color scheme clashes with the Givenchy romper I bought for this party.  do you know what a Givenchy romper is?  Oh, my God.  I’ll wear something else.  But do you really expect my husband to fly 6,000 miles for paper plates, crinkle-cut fries, a Mexican candy animal?  Is this my fault?  Was I not clear?  Please.  Please do.  As much money as you have to so that when Julian comes home, he knows that he’s at his son’s birthday party, not the reception for an Appalachian incest wedding.” — Jacqueline Voorhees

“Julian should be here any minute.  How do I look?  Wow.  I know you didn’t mean that to be hurtful , but… Kimmy?  Can you help me, please?  I’ve had the most amazing idea.  To make tonight extra special for Julian, I’m going to re-create our first date.  I was a stewardess, and it was so romantic.  I was on Julian’s NetJet flight back from Bush’s second inauguration.  So, needless to say, he was DTF.  Then when he landed, we couldn’t go back to his house because his wife was home, so we ended up going to his office instead.  And we snuggled all night because he fell asleep on top of me.  Well, I just texted his assistant, Rhonda.  Don’t worry.  Fat.  And he should be wheels down any minute.  So make sure the kids are ready to yell ‘surprise’ when he comes through the door.” — Jacqueline Voorhees

“I have a birthday update.  My husband, Julian Voorhees, has, um… not yet left London.  Obviously, you needn’t stay, but we will be opening presents until he gets here.  I don’t even know who you are.” — Jacqueline Voorhees

“Well… Julian isn’t coming at all.  He had to go back to Japan.  You might as well open your birthday presents, Buckley.  You’re sorry?  Look around you.  This birthday part was a catastrophe.  What are you talking about?  You play with them all the time.  Well, this birthday party isn’t about you.  I wanted everything to be perfect.  I mean, it had to be perfect, and he didn’t even show up.  He’s my husband.  He made a vow to me on Steve Wynn’s boat.  And I never should have trusted you.” — Jacqueline Voorhees

“Oh, Kimmy, perfect.  I forgot to actually fire you earlier.  Anyway, you’re fired.  Just clean up downstairs and rotate the mattresses before you leave.  Did you really do all that?  It’s not your fault.  I know I must seem crazy.  I just thought that if today were perfect, it would make a difference.  Kimmy, I think my marriage is falling apart.  It was supposed to be a two-week trip but Julian’s been gone for two months.  I was sure he was gonna come back for this.  And then he’d see me being the perfect mother and the perfect wife, and then later in the evening, the perfect foot slut.  I know.  Julian’s probably cheating on me… not with fat Rhonda, obviously, but he’s been in Japan a lot lately.  You can get a mistress in a vending machine there.  Kimmy, what’s happening to me is the worst thing that’s happened to any woman ever.  I guess so.  Is it over?  Oh, Kimmy, what would I do without you?  You’re my best friend.  Okay.  Kimmy, where do you think you’re going?  I need human contact.  Spoon me.  Mm.” — Jacqueline Voorhees



1 nomination: 2015

Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversal TV, Jon HammReverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversal TV, Jon HammReverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne

aka Dick Wayne aka DJ Slizzard


1 nomination: 2015

“I was talking… to my good friend God earlier.  We were talking about why he allowed his creation to be destroyed, the earth of the land and all the fowls of the air and the sea monkeys of the sea.  And do you know what he hath told me?  That’s exactly right, sister Gretchen.  Except for all you dum-dums here, yes.  Ew, ew, ew!  Damn you, Kimmy Schmidt!  I will break you!” — Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne

Cyndee Pokorny, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NCBUniversal TV, Sara ChaseCyndee Pokorny

“Just beautiful, sister Kimmy.  Kimmy, I think we counted wrong.  It’s not Christmas.” — Cyndee Pokorny

“Yes, I had waited on Reverend Richard a bunch of times at a York Steak House I worked at, and one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits.  And I didn’t want to be rude, so… here we are.  Yeah.  Probably just go back to Durnsville, get my braces off.” — Cyndee Pokorny

“Kimmy, what are you doing?  What?  Kimmy, that’s crazy.  You have a middle school education!  You won’t make it here!  Well, if you’re really gonna do this… take some of my Mole Fund money.  I mean, a pop here is, like, $5.  Also, I’m your secret Santa.” — Cyndee Pokorny

“How did you make this?” — Cyndee Pokorny

Gretchen Chalker, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversal TV, Lauren Adams Gretchen Chalker, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Netflix, NBCUniversal TV, Lauren AdamsGretchen Chalker

“We can’t not tell, sister Kimmy.  Then twouldn’t be a secret.  Duh.” — Gretchen Chalker

“Yes, the Reverend had bought some of my hair on Craigslist, and we started emailing, and I just thought he had some real good ideas.  I go with you now, yes?  I’m married to you?” — Gretchen Chalker

“It’s like Reverend Richard always says.  We’re just garbage, Kimmy.”

“That we’re all dumb and bad and that’s why he let the world be destroyed?” — Gretchen Chalker

“I don’t know.  Surfing, swimsuits– a woman reading a book?  Now let me have a turn on the Mystery Crank.  You haven’t slept in days.” — Gretchen Chalker


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *