Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc.

Endocrine Flux

Netflix original comedy Big Mouth dropped its first season September 29, 2017.

#BigMouth season 2 has been confirmed.

rottentomatoes: 100%

metacritic: 80

imdb: 8.1

Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc.

Jessi Glaser, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Jessi KleinJessi Glaser

Jessi Glaser and her compatriots at Bridgeton Middle School are haunted by Where the Wild Things Are monsters who verbally express their pubescent inclinations.

Jessi Glaser, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Jessi Klein“How come in all these videos puberty for boys is like the miracle of ejaculation and for girls we’re just a yarn ball of aching tubes?  Yeah, exactly.  And that’s why we need equal pay.  Your dad’s a scumbag DUI attorney.” — Jessi Glaser

“Yeah, it’s like one person playing cards at you.  If it’s any consolation, I literally never gave a shit about this from the beginning, so– it doesn’t get any cooler when you get, like, really angry.  Oh, no.  Those girls are gonna eat him alive, and then barf him out because they’re bulimic.  Huh.  I kinda thought we were going to the dance as a group.  Andrew, dial it down.  Everybody can see your feelings.  Nope.” — Jessi Glaser

“Good evening, Nicholas.  You psyched for your ‘big date?’  Yeah, you should be psyched.  Just be prepared for some super-intellectual conversation.  Why do you keep looking over at Andrew?  Of course, yeah.  She’s a beautiful complex woman whose eyes go dead when she applies lip gloss.  Yeah.  Yeah, I can see her.” — Jessi Glaser

“Hi.  I know, but I want to say it so bad.  Can I just say it one time and you cover your ears?  I told you so!  I do, a little.  But I feel like I can feel even better… …if you heard it.  Really?  Olivia only likes jeggings.  No!  She’s the idiot.  You’re… you’re cute, even though you’re tiny.  You’re like a troll doll who’s figured out his hair.  You’re welcome…?  Uh!  Tongue.  You have a really big mouth.  The flicking was an interesting choice.  Yeah, no, I think that’s like a good idea.  Sure, no problem.  Good evening, good sir.  Oh, boy.” — Jessi Glaser

“I feel gross and nothing looks good.  Mom, you think I look cute in everything.  Really?  They were my male cousins.  Hi.  Oh–!  Oh, a hug?  No, I mean, yeah, we could do that, or… what if we did like a whirr…?  I– I think maybe… yeah.” — Jessi Glaser

“At the back of the bus?  Thank you, good sir.  Oh–!  Are we supposed to be doing that? Yeah, it just feels early in the morning to be making out.  I’m actually good with, like, a light hand-hold.  Good.  Couples pics?  Don’t you remember last week when we made fun of people with shared Instagram accounts?  Uh, okay.  I guess I’ll see you up there for a… ‘couples pic.'” — Jessi Glaser

“Ugh.  We’re not married.  I guess.  I mean, we kissed, we texted twice, then suddenly we’re sitting in the back of the bus with the couples.  Who was drunk.  He told you that?  What else did he tell you?  Andrew, it’s just me.  Ugh!  I’m not a lady.  You know what?  Forget I said anything.  What?!  I’ve got to go to the bathroom right now.” — Jessi Glaser

“I’m fine.  Do not get Coach Steve.  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.  This is not happening.  I just got my first period in the fucking Statue of Liberty.  Okay, I just need to find something to… what the hell?  Oh, my God, this is the worst.  What sadistic female-hating janitor stocks this bathroom?  Actually, Andrew, can you come in here?  Just get in here!  Okay, I would never tell a guy this, but since it’s just you… …I got my period.  There isn’t any!” — Jessi Glaser

“Well, it doesn’t feel good.  Just go to the gift shop and see if they have any… feminine products.  Blood is coming out of my vagina!  What am I gonna do?  Oh, thank God, a woman.  I’m so scared right now.  There’s so much blood.  Am I gonna be okay?  Ugh.  What if I don’t want to be a woman?  I like how I am now.  You’re kind of a bummer.  Jesus, is there anything good about being a woman?” — Jessi Glaser

“This is not amazing.  Agh-hh!  Who… what are you?  If you’re here to tell me how horrible being a woman is, the Statue of Liberty and mu mom already covered that. I am?  It’s my baseball mitt.  Hey! But I don’t want to scream at my mom.  You’re very beautiful.  Why do you smell so good?  Get the hell out, Shannon!  I said get out!” — Jessi Glaser

Shannon Glaser, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Jessica ChaffinShannon Glaser

“Jessi, what’s taking so long?  Oh, honey, that’s how the fashion industry wants you to feel, so you spend all your money at Forever 21 on clothes made by Malaysian toddlers, who smoke, by the way.  Why don’t you just wear the white shorts?  You always look so cute in them.  No, I don’t.  You wear some things I find very unflattering.” — Shannon Glaser

“Did you know that tampons are taxed as a luxury item?  Yeah.  It’s a real luxury to stick a wad of cotton up your crotch.” — Shannon Glaser

Connie the Hormone Monstress, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Maya Rudolph Connie the Hormone Monstress, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Maya Rudolph Connie the Hormone Monstress, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Maya RudolphConnie the Hormone Monstress

“Hello, my precious little ravioli.  Shh!  Quiet, baby.  I am the Hormone Monstress.  The French are full of shit, your mother’s a woman in decline.  You’re on the rise, girl.  But you’ll have to make some changes, dumpling.  For instance, what the fuck is this?  Get rid!  Listen to me!  You want to shoplift lipstick, you want to listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat while you cut up all your T-shirts.  You want to scream at your mother and then laugh at her tears!  She’s not your mom anymore.  From now on, you call her Shannon.  I know.  Because I don’t use deodorant and I only take bubble baths. Beautifully done, my little gyoza.  These are going to be the greatest years of your life.” — Connie the Hormone Monstress

“Yes, you can.  You are a woman now, and this is what women do.  We suck up all the bullshit that the world dumps up on us and keep smiling through it all in our boxy ass dresses!” — Connie the Hormone Monstress

Andrew Glouberman, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., John MulaneyAndrew Glouberman

“The uterus?  I thought girls had vaginas.  Maybe vagina is, like, slang.  Oh, no, no, no, no.  Not now.  Go away.  You are not real.  You’re just some hormone monster my brain created.  Come on.  Okay, I should tell you, this is school and we need boundaries.  Jerk off– Ms. Kazan, can I please go to the bathroom, please?  Who?  Oh, my God… thanks, Missy.  I’m coming, I’m coming.” — Andrew Glouberman

“I did, Dr. Birch.  This house has rhythm.  Ooh!  Ow!  Sorry.” — Andrew Glouberman

“Hey, so this, like, dance on Friday, I think I’m not gonna go.  I’m not gonna ask a girl.  I don’t need that kind of rejection.  But Jay’s been bragging that he’s gonna get fingered at the dance.  He’s gonna get fingered.  Of course, ’cause when you do kiss a girl, to make it official… major tongue.  Ideally.  Yeah, you want to get in there like a Claritin to just dissolve.  Yeah.  It’s nice to talk like men.” — Andrew Glouberman

“Ow!  It stings.  But it’s worth it.  What are you doing?  Hi.  Don’t look.  No!  Sorry.  I don’t know.  I don’t even know what you’re talking about.  No, no, no, you gotta be kidding me.  Nick is right there, sir. And I’m a good person.  I wouldn’t do that laying next to a friend.  Oh, my God, you’re always right.  What the hell is wrong with me?  no.  Nick’s grandmother gave him that clock.  Yeah, she did.  Okay.  Me.  I’ve got the cream.  Oh, my God.  Oh, Susan.  Susan actually came to the summer outing, and she said that I was really sprouting into a fine young man.  Susan, show me your top naked.  Oh, God.  Oh, God, okay.  So, Susan, um, what’s it like to be in human resources?  Uh…!  I’m done.  Wait.  What do we do about the mess?” — Andrew Glouberman

“So we’re not going to Jay’s to play basketball?  Oh.  Well… this is me.  I’ll see you at school on Monday?  Thank you.  I’ll get out on the curb side now.  Traffic side.  Bye, Mrs. Birch.” — Andrew Glouberman

“Actually– how’s it going?  Uh, okay.  Oh, yeah.  For a seven-footer, he’s got an amazing shot.  Why would nick push me?  Why is he being so weird?  ‘Curbing?’  Yeah?” — Andrew Glouberman

“Whoa, what the hell is he doing?  What the hell?  You asked Olivia to the dance?  You said you were going with us.  That’s bullshit.  I’m not acting weird, you’re acting weird.  Fuck you.  Just… fuck you, man.” — Andrew Glouberman

“Oh, hi, Missy.  That’s great.  So should I pay for my ticket in ancient Sumerian silver?  I wouldn’t know,  We decided to come alone.  Yeah, I guess.” — Andrew Glouberman

“Well played, Jay.  Oh.  We’re not actually butt buddies anymore.  I don’t like going to your house.  Oh, poor Nick.  He’s confusing the food pyramid with the food chain.  Oh, I would, Missy, but– she’s not a girl, she’s Missy.  But Nick looks really upset– um, sure, Missy.  I don’t know.  That was great.  You’re doing great.  I think we’re both doing great.  Uh!  Oh-hh!  This is working.  No, can’t slow it down, can’t slow it down.  I’m okay with it.  Uh… I have to go, Missy.  Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.  Oh, my God!  Oh, no!  That’s the most I’ve ever made. Oh, shit, my phone.  Wait, what the– uh… you guys are gonna be really disappointed.  No, no, no.  A toilet.  I didn’t mean to!  This girl asked me to slow dance, and I got all tingly and lightheaded.  Oh, thank God.” — Andrew Glouberman

“I came in my pants.  Why are you being to mean to me?  You’ve been mean to me all week.  What did I do?  Yeah, so?  Well, count your blessings.  Mine’s not so great either.  Mine just made me jizz in my nice pants.  It’s embarrassing.  Everything is so embarrassing.  My pants are in the toilet.  That is a great question, Nick.  It’s because I panicked.  What am I gonna do?” — Andrew Glouberman

“So, what’s the deal with you and Jessi?  Have you seen her since, you know, the kiss?  Oh, my God.  I guess she likes you?  No, I’ve seen it.  You don’t send it lightly.  A lot of Nick’s appeal is revealed the more you get to know him.  I knew I shouldn’t have said anything.” — Andrew Glouberman

Nick Birch, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Nick KrollNick Birch

“I thought that, too, but I guess they don’t.  Ew, that’s gross.” — Nick Birch

“Mom, Andrew’s here.  Okay, can we be excused?  Mom!  Can you not do this in front of Andrew?  Mom, loosen your grip.  Okay, we’re going up now, goodbye.” — Nick Birch

“From the corner!  Swish-hh!  Oh, please.  Yes, you are.  We’re gonna go as a group– me, you, Jessi and Jay.  What?  Okay, first if all, I think he’s got that wrong.  Either that or you have grossly misquoted him.  And Jay hasn’t even kissed a girl, I guarantee it.  None of us have.  Not, you know, with tongue anyway.  There’s gotta be tongue.  You want to flick your tongue around.  And you really want to get your tongue underneath hers, too.  Yeah.  We know what we’re talking about.  Yeah.” — Nick Birch

“Oh, my God!  Hi.  Of course.  I’m not looking at all.  Oh, my God.  Sorry for what?  I don’t know either. You know, I actually didn’t even see anything.  Okay.  Well, good night.” — Nick Birch

“No.  Um… it turns out that I have family stuff this weekend.  Yeah.  Totally.  Uh… have a nice rest of your weekend.  Um, you’re welcome.  Yeah, great.  Yeah, that’s smart.  I just– it’s nothing.  Okay.  Last night, when he was changing… I saw Andrew’s penis.  Dad, I’m not worried I’m gay.  It’s not that, it’s Andrew’s… Andrew’s was… was different, like bigger and hairier.  Mom!  Mom!  Okay.  Guys, please, stop!  Eh…  I don’t know about that.” — Nick Birch

“Hey.  Uh, good.  Oh, my God, I’m losing my mind.  No!  Get away!  Stop it!  What the hell, man?  Oh, my God, do you think Nick saw me jerking off?  I told you I shouldn’t do it in his room.” — Nick Birch

“Duke?  Duke Ellington?  Ghost of Duke Ellington, are you up here?  You know, sometimes, it feels like you’re the only one I can turn to.  Yeah.  Duke, I saw Andrew’s penis, and it was, like, way bigger and hairier than mine.  What’s the reason?  So what’d you do?  No shit?  So you’re saying– so I should find the prettiest girl in school and ask her out?  I think I do.  Thanks, Duke. Yeah, that’d be nice.” — Nick Birch

“Here we go, Nick.  Don’t mess this up, don’t mess this up.  Ugh!  Hey, Olivia, this is like a stupid idea, but do you wanna, like, go to the dance with me?  Oh.  Okay, great.  Yeah, cute.  Great.  It’s a palindrome.  Okay, bye.  Hey, guys.  Yeah.  What’s the big deal?  Yeah, but I mean, it’s not like we had definitive plans.  Yeah, you’re acting kind weird.  Dude, I’m allowed to go to the dance with whoever I want.  It’s not like you’re my girlfriend or something.” — Nick Birch

“Hey, Duke.  I’m honestly more nervous about seeing Andrew.  He said, ‘fuck you’ to me yesterday.  What happened?  Did you guys make up?  Wow, that must have been really tough.” — Nick Birch

“Good evening, Jessica.  Yeah, well, Olivia’s pretty much the hottest girl in school, so… mm, I’m pretty psyched.  I’m not looking at Andrew, I’m excited for my date with Olivia.  Well, Jessi, this has been so much fun.  But it looks like my super hot eighth-grade date has arrived.  Oh, hey, Olivia.  You want to get a drink or something?  I think they have La Croix.  It’s only the coconut kind, which is a little gross, but it’s still kinda– oh–who?  I thought we were going to this dance, like, together.  Um, actually, sweets and fats are at the top of the food chain.” — Nick Birch

“Jessi, please, I don’t want to hear ‘I told you so.’  Well, I’m glad you feel better.  Uh-huh.  I don’t know, I guess I thought Olivia liked me.  I get it, Jessi, I’m an idiot.  Thank you…?  What do I do?  What do I do?  What do I do?  What do I do?  Thank you, I think?  Yeah.  Tongues feel weird.  Ahem.  Yeah, I guess I should probably go check on Andrew.  Yeah, but thank you for the… ahem.  Good night, milady.” — Nick Birch

“What happened to you?  And that made you soaking wet?  What are you talking about?  You didn’t do anything!  I– I saw your… and it was big and hairy.  And mine isn’t, and I don’t know if it ever will be.  Everything’s embarrassing.  Oh, man.  Andrew, why didn’t you wash them in the sink?  Well, Matthew, it’s been a great night in ancient Mesopatamia– uh, Jessi and I would appreciate that you respect our privacy at this time.” — Nick Birch

“Hello?  Who are you?  Are you the puberty fairy?  The puberty fairy?” — Nick Birch

“Yeah.  I sent her a text that said ‘hey,’ she sent me a video of a dog dressed like a fisherman.  I think so.  I mean, the dog had a hat and a raincoat, tiny fishing pole– fun and playful, but also– still figuring out what to send back.” — Nick Birch

“Uh… cute and funny sometimes with a decent hook.  Jessi, hey.  Yeah, or… how about– is this…?  Oh, is…?  Ta-da!  Um… yes, we’re dating?” — Nick Birch

Maurice the Hormone Monster, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Nick KrollMaurice the Hormone Monster

“Did someone say ‘vagina?’  Fuck, yeah, now!  If I’m not real, then how come I’m sending blood to your sweet penis right now?  ‘Fallopian.’  What a savory word.  Describes exactly what it is, you know what I mean? If you want me to go away, you know what you have to do.  Jerk off, yeah, yeah, yeah!  Exactly.  Let’s go to the bathroom and climax into that thin toilet paper.  Come on, come on, come on!  Wheels up in 30 seconds.  If you don’t get out of here right now, we’re gonna ‘Jackson Pollack’ all over your pants.  He’s a famous abstract expressionist.  Let’s go, let’s go.  Not yet.  That’s why we gotta go to the bathroom, sweetheart.” — Maurice the Hormone Monster

“Knock knock.  Who’s there?  It’s the Hormone Monster.  And?  Then why am I here?  Nothing.  You’re a perfectly normal gross little dirtbag.  Now stare at the cat clock and massage your dinger.  She knew what she was doing.  Oh… what a little clock-tease.  Her eyes are darting back and forth, thinking, ‘meow-meow, who’s got the cream?’    It’s okay.  It’s okay.  Just picture your dad’s associate Susan.  Mmm… yeah.  That’s right.  Look at her sinewy arms.  Yeah.  And she’s got Fallopian tubes.  Good night, you prince of Westchester, you king of the tri-state area.  Sleep in it, pig.  Mwah.” — Maurice the Hormone Monster

“Who cares?  Nick’s a baby.  Let’s watch the sex scene from Dallas Buyers Club.  Or, here’s an idea– maybe he’s jealous of hwat a fucking man you are.  You should kick his ass.  Do that curbing thing where you stick his teeth on the edge of a curb and stomp on the back of his head, what’s that called?  Yeah, that makes sense.  You should curb Nick.  Now let’s watch McConaghey bang two meth heads at a rodeo, and try not to think about AIDS.  Andrew… I’m thinking about AIDS.” — Maurice the Hormone Monster

“That weasel bailed on you.  He’s such a slippery little shit.  Tell him.  Rage, rage, fucking rage!  That’s bullshit!  All right, that’s it!  Let’s find a curb and smash that pretty little smile off his face!” — Maurice the Hormone Monster

“Hey, are you out of your goddamn mind?  This is a real girl.  Oh, she’s a girl, and she wants to dance with you.  Fucking forget about that little Pikachu and dance with a girl!  Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re both doing great.  Now let’s get a little friction going.  Yeah.  Oh, yeah, yes, that’s it.  Don’t be afraid to lead with your groin, the world’s slowest hula hoop.  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.  Take it easy.  We’re 70 yards from the bathroom, brother.  You need to slow it down.  Fuck it.  If you’re okay with it, I’m okay with it.” — Maurice the Hormone Monster

“Oh, uh, good evening.  Don’t worry about it.  I’m just here to give your friend a nocturnal emission.  The fuck did you just call me?!  ‘Puberty fairy?’  I’m the Hormone Monster.  I’m not a fairy.  I mean, sure, I fuck around with dues but I’m not a fairy.” — Maurice the Hormone Monster

“Ooh, ooh, ooh.  Tell him to send a dick pic.  Girls love that, especially when it comes out of nowhere with, like, zero context.” — Maurice the Hormone Monster

Jay Bilzerian, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Jason MantzoukasJay Bilzerian

“My dad says when you take into account maternity leave, you do get equal pay.  Yeah, and he makes bank.  Shut up, Matthew!” — Jay Bilzerian

“Yeah, it sucks.  Porzingis is awesome though, right?  Oh, yeah, they gotta defend better in the paint.  I said, they gotta defend better in the paint.” — Jay Bilzerian

“Missy, do you mind?  I’m doing a magic trick. Okay, guys, shut up.  Okay, anyway, I think I have something in my mouth.  Is this your card?  Damn it, Missy!  You guys are the fucking worst!  Fight, fight!  Worldstar!  I got a card stuck in my windpipe.  Ugh!  Was that your card?  Oh, come on!” — Jay Bilzerian

“Hey, ladies, you havin’ fun?  I think tonight’s gonna be pretty… hot!  I am not a psycho!  Look, your butt buddy’s here.  So, like, you’ve got an opening?  I’d love to throw my butt in the ring.  Oh, no, I promise, my brothers aren’t gonna make you poop in a litter box again.  Holy shit, Olivia’s hot.  I’m gonna pump my pillow full of Jay jizz later thinking about it.” — Jay Bilzerian

Matthew, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Andrew RannellsMatthew

“Too bad he can’t afford tweezers for that unabrow.” — Matthew

“Hello!  Nick’s going to talk to the eighth graders.  My God, he’s got that Brian Grazer bravery.  He’s a petite, but he’ll talkt o anyone.  You’re fucking funny.  She’s funny!  We’re friends now.  Exclusive– ‘Laurel and Farty’ are about to fight.” — Matthew

“They’re a gaggle of rancid cunts.  Nick and Andrew, you’re friends again.  Nick’s pants are gone.  The teachers look poor.  What the fuck is going on?  Boring!  Nick, we heard you kissed Jessi in the hallway.  Sounds like he fingered her.  Join us tomorrow when we find out Coach Steve lives in a joke of an apartment near the airport.” — Matthew

“God, I love field trip day!  Can’t wait to see which one of these dopes forgot their permission slip.  And you two, Devin and Devin, aka the Devins.  You look great as always, you post-racial power couple.  It’s like genuinely not a big deal.  Speaking of couples, Nick, what’s the deal with you and Jessi?  Uh!  Listen to me, Nick, you’re a cute little nugget.  You’re funny, sometimes, but you’re tiny and you need a hook.  Jessi’s on the rise.  Smart girls are having a moment, for now.  Frankly I’m not even sure what she sees in you.  Huh!  And then there’s this one.  You and Male Lesbian are middle-of-the-bus people.  Want to make it to the back?  Lock it down with Jessi and lose ‘Billie Jean King.’  Yeah.  Yeah, I can see this.  It’s not for me but people will like it.  It’s Starbucks.  It’s what America wants.” — Matthew

Missy, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Jenny SlateMissy

“I’ll take notes for you, Andrew.” — Missy

“Oh, hey, guys, I just wanted to remind you, the theme of the dance is ‘A Night in Ancient Mesopotamai.’  We’re gonna put the ‘social’ back in social studies.  I love magic!  It’s like juggling, but it’s definitely more confrontational, that’s for sure.  Wow, Jay!  I could barely tell that you had the card palmed in your hand when you reached into your mouth.” — Missy

“Hey, Andrew.  Oh, actually, just for tonight could you refer to me as ‘Nanshe?’  The goddess of social justice… and also fishing.  I get it.  Mesopotamian silver mines weren’t actually operational until the mid-Bronze Age.  That’s a great one.  Where’s Nick?  You know, I find that being alone is actually a great gift because it prepares you for what real life is, um, is like.  Oh, hi, Andrew.  Would you perchance like to celebrate the autumnal equinox with a, um… with a… with a dance with me?  Oh, great.  We can just– so we can start now, ’cause I know how to do it.  I’ve practiced with my dad.  I’ve never danced with a boy before.  What am I supposed to say?  Whoa, what’s wrong?  But the dance isn’t– oh, darn it.” — Missy

Elliot Birch, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Fred ArmisenElliot Birch

“Am I a lucky guy or what?  I’ve got this beautiful family, a gorgeous home, the sounds of Duke Ellington– a great African-American American.  Andrew, did you know that Duke Ellington died in this house?  That’s right.  What can I say?  I love cocktail facts, and I also love this woman.  Not only did she prepare a fantastic meal and birthed three beautiful children– no drugs.  Come here.  Give me a whiff.  Love you, Nicholas.  Love you.  And you, too, Andrew.  What a fantastic best friend.  The kid’s dynamite.” — Elliot Birch

“Nicholas, we’re your parents.  You can tell us anything.  And now you’re worried you’re a homosexual?  Nicky, a man can touch another penis or even kiss one, very lightly, and it still doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a homosexual.  When I was an undergraduate– your mother knows this story– it’s better.  That’s right.  He has.  Mm-hmm.  Engorged nipples.  And you may, like me, never have a very big penis.  But if you understand a woman’s body, and more importantly her emotions, it doesn’t matter.  And you’re my Cinderella.” — Elliot Birch

“Poor kid.  You know, when I was Nicky’s age I had a bald little cashew, and my friend Don Kinney, he had this great big sausage nestled in a thick robin’s nest of pubic hair.  It was something to behold.  Yeah.  The system is so broken.  You like that?  Mm-hmm.  Wow, 12 hours and one minute.  Anyway, I think this is something the boys need to figure out for themselves.” — Elliot Birch

Diane Birch, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Maya RudolphDiane Birch

“Oh, please.  Nick slipped right out of me.  He’s family.  Anyway, he shouldn’t be afraid of a vagina.  Once you pay the ‘snuggle tax.’  Come here.  Oh, I could eat you alive.  You smell like fresh-buttered baby.  I want to put you back up inside.” — Diane Birch

“What’s going on?  I thought Andrew was staying over all weekend.  Nick?  Honey, it;s fine if you are.  And by the way, you could do a lot worse than Andrew Glouberman.  Sweetheart, Andrew’s started to become a man.  He’s developed secondary sex characteristics.  Thicker eyebrows… engorged nipples.  Mom!  His penis is changing, from a boy penis to a man’s penis.  It’s true, Nicky.  Before I met your father I was with some men who were very well-endowed, and honestly, it was too much for me– your father’s penis is my glass slipper.  Gimme a break. I’m sure Andrew and his parents have had very similar conversations.” — Diane Birch

“Andrew hasn’t been over since the night of the penis, and I think Nicky misses him.  Is Don the one who only got house arrest for insider trading?  Oh, Elliot, I love it when you talk about broken institutions.  Oh, yeah.  Whew!  That was astounding.” — Diane Birch

Barbara Glouberman Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Paula BellBarbara Glouberman

“And then, you kinda jhoosh it down.  Dr. Oz says they need to learn.” — Barbara Glouberman

Marty Glouberman, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Richard KindMarty Glouberman

“Barbara, what are you doing with my last good banana?  Oh, he doesn’t need to know anything.  Please, the next time you think you need to know something, Andrew, shut your face!  Now give me the banana.  Jesus, it tastes like condom.  Thanks a lot, Mr. Sex Maniac.” — Marty Glouberman

Coach Steve, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Nick KrollCoach Steve

“All right, look alive, you little maniacs. I bet you’re all, like, completely distracted by the big dance, which I happen to be chaperoning.  You know, not a big deal.  I mean, they could have asked anyone, but, you know, I volunteered.  Let’s just stop talking about the dance and just focus on the fundamentals of basketball.  Oh, man, I hope they play music we like.  All right, knock it off, you two.  Jeez, Louise.  Who wants to watch me grab rim?  Ooh!  I knocked the wind outta my balls.  Hope I’m okay for the dance.” — Coach Steve

“So, what’s the deal after this thing?  You guys wanna go get drinks?  I don’t know, go to Panera, split a bread bowl?  Teachers at this school, you know, they never wanna hang out.  They’re always ‘so busy.’  Yeah!  I mean, that’s, you know… pff-fft!  That’s a little harsh, but I think we’re basically on the same page.” — Coach Steve

“Hey, Mr. DJ, you take requests.  What about ‘Lady in Red?’  Yeah, sure, unless, I don’t know, you want me to stick around.  Are you streaming that?  What is that, Wi-Fi?  They gave you the Wi-Fi password.  Heh.  Okay.  I got a great memory.” — Coach Steve

“LaGuardia, and, technically, I live in a storage unit, so…” — Coach Steve

“Whoa, everyone’s couplin’ up.  Nick and Jessi, my mom and her hospice nurse Roberto.  Love is in the air.” — Coach Steve

Ghost of Duke Ellington, Big Mouth, Netflix, Danger Goldberg Productions, Good at Bizness Inc., Fathouse Industries, Titmouse Inc., Jordan PeeleGhost of Duke Ellington

“Hey, hey, Nick!  You up here for some advice? I get it, the living don’t always have all the answers.  Lucky for you, I’m trapped between two realms.  So, what’s the problem?  Happened to me once, too.  The Cotton Club, 1938.  I saw Charlie Parker’s penis in a bathroom, and, good Lord, I felt inferior.  I mean, there’s a reason they called him ‘The Bird.’  Because his pubic hair looked like feathers.  I went out and made sweet love to Eva Gabor.  That’s right, I balled a white woman back when it really meant something.  I’m saying, having a pretty girl on your arm can make you feel a thousand feet tall.  Bingo-bango!  ‘Furry triangle,’ if you know what I’m saying.  Happy to help, little big guy.  Shall I play you out?” — Ghost of Duke Ellington

“Play it cool.  You’ve got the chops.” — Ghost of Duke Ellington

“Nick the Trick.  What’s wrong, kid?  You nervous about your big date?  Ah!  I regret one fight I had with my saxophonist, Studs Dupree.  It got pretty ugly.  Well, I was waiting for him to apologize, and then he died of a heroin overdose.  Yeah, I never did get that apology.” — Ghost of Duke Ellington

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