Disney+ original film Jungle Cruise dropped last Friday July 30th, 2021.
#JungleCruise had a $90m cross-platform opening weekend.
rottentomatoes: 63%
metacritic: 50
imdb: 6.7
Frank Wolff
Frank Wolff is commissioned for a boat ride outside of Porto Velho, Brazil.
“First of all, let me congratulate you on your excellent choice of skipper. Of all the jungle cruises you could take in the Amazon, this one is undoubtedly the cheapest. But also the most thrilling. Yes, I am. No refunds. Heads up! Coming through! Where were we? Ah. Sometimes these buttons get stuck. All right. If you took to the left of the boat, you’ll see some very playful toucans. They’re playing their favorite game of beak-wrestling. The only drawback is, only two can play. There’s two birds, and those are toucans. I’m saying that only ‘two can’ play. Not one, but ‘two can’ play. The rocks you see here in the river are sandstone. But some people just take them for granite. It’s one of my boulder attractions. You know, before this I used to work in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, too. That’s a good one. I should’ve opened with that one. You know, they say the boa constrictor right there is capable of eating up to 500 pounds per sitting. Personally, I find that very hard… to swallow. No one can. And don’t interrupt me like that again. I will feed you to the boa. He loves small children. Close your mouth.” — Frank Wolff
“Hey! Hey! Hands in the boat! Know this about the jungle, everything that you see wants to kill you. And can. Poison angel’s trumpet. Strychnos. Curare. Banana spider. Marauders, dead of fever, for never finding the Fountain of Youth. Conquistadors, cursed, for slaughtering innocent natives. And then there’s the ones that just got eaten by the deadly hippopotamus. Shh. This is the highlight of the tour. It’s my favorite part of the jungle. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the eighth Wonder of the World. Wait for it… the backside of water! It’s completely different. It’s the eighth Wonder of the World, the backside of water. Guys, get your cameras out, come on. You don’t wanna miss this. Snap, snap, snap. Keep snapping. I hope those aren’t the Puka Michuna, the deadliest hunters in the hemisphere. They hunt humans. Come on. Oh, any fast would damage my engine, and I can’t afford a new one. Prego. All right, listen up, I get paid by the number of people I take out, not by the number of people I bring back. Hold on!” — Frank Wolff
“Well, folks, you were all outstanding today, now I need you all out, standing on the dock. That means ‘get off my boat.’ I’m only serious. Ma’am, don’t forget to collect your baggage. I’m only kidding. He’s behind you. Make sure you take care of Zaqueu, he’s a good kid. He looks 10, but he’s secretly 47. Thank you, sir.” — Frank Wolff
“Please don’t call me that. Oh, you mean this money? It’s all here. I just need this, so I can finally eat this week. The rest e per te. What do you want my boat for? You have nice boats. You have all the boats.” — Frank Wolff
“Hey! Not a good chat time right now. But if you came back first thing tomorrow morning, lots of available chat then. You were told wrong. I have an idea. Please go away. You’re the one trying to break down my door. You’re insistent. You’re wearing pants. Do women in England do that now? Can I get you a drink? I have no idea. Spritzer, I assume? Well, if it’s on the Amazon River, I know it. And, lady, I could tell you, of all the places in the world you can go, the last place you wanna go is Lagrimas de Cristal. Oh, but you won’t, pants. You can’t get there. Nobody can get there. And if they could, they wouldn’t. It’s not a fun vacation. Where’d you get the map? So, that’s why you wanna go? Your daddy’s bedtime stories? I could get you there, but you have to consider the dengue fever, anaconda, plus, look, lady, that’s the home of the actual Puka Michuna. They’re the ones that like to eat you and wear your eyes for beads. Look, lady, I gotta be honest with you, let’s do something that’s safe. So, me, you, and your pants, we can go for a ride around town. That’d be fun. I’ll show you some waterfalls. You look like you like waterfalls. And I’ll also show you the herd of pygmy elephants we just found. Let’s go see some elephants. I lost my key for that thing. I did. You’re gonna hurt yourself. Those are very sharp.” — Frank Wolff
“Two beers, two steaks. That’s right. 10,000, I take you there myself. I am my best captain. 10,000 to bring you there alive. If I have to bring you back dead, it’s 15,000. Dead, I’d have to carry you. Dead’s a lot harder, lady. Okay, but I get paid in full when we turn back before Lagrimas de Cristal. Well, you’re gonna beg me to turn back, first sign of the rapids. Not Mr. Nilo, no. 12,000. 10,000. You’re never gonna find a faster boat in the harbor than La Quila. Plus, she has the finest bath in all Brazil. I’m the only one that could get you there. Careful. They can smell fear. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Frank Wolff. Jungle Navigation. Best rates in town, completely jaguar-free. Thank you. 15,000. 15… we have a deal. La Quila will be ready first thing in the morning. No, it gets dark in two hours. We should probably leave in 10 minutes.” — Frank Wolff
“Not now. I said, not now. Come here. You did good, Proxima. You’re a good girl. You were a little late, and you bit me way too hard. But you did good. Jungle doesn’t care how pretty your dresses are, you’re never gonna get all your luggage on my boat. Well, with all this extra added weight, we’d be lucky to even get out of the harbor, so, no. It’s a river cruise. No. Good. That one can stay. Yeah, there is.” — Frank Wolff
Lily Houghton
“My esteemed colleagues… …I assert that the famous legend of the Tears of the Moon is not a myth but scientific truth.'”
“Hello. Yes. Yes. You’re right. Uh, I think I… thank you so much.”
“Yes? Is it? Oh, I’m sorry about that.”
“Hello. I just wanted you to know, this is a Nguni assegai. Oh, my God! Oh, my gosh! You shipping out, lads? Why would you say that, MacGregor? This is a petal that could heal all, save countless lives, change the world. Haven’t you been dreaming about another adventure? You only lost two toes. Then just say here. You can. You can just stay here. Don’t worry about me. All alone, in the Amazon. Well, I have no idea. Steamer to Brazil, rail to Porto Velho… …then all we need is a skipper.”
“I don’t care in the slightest. Hello. Look, how stunning. Did you make these? Beautiful. Oh, that is awful. Excuse me, I just think that you… I’m not going to start a fight. They clearly shouldn’t be in cages. Oh, my gosh! Look, there’s the boats! Look, look, look! We did not travel half the globe for baths and cocktails. We must find this Mr. Nilo and secure our travel. Come on!”
“Oh, I love it! Excuse me, um, do you know Mr. Nilo… fine. But be quick about it or I’ll leave without you. Excuse me. Um, Mr. Nilo’s office? Upstairs. Thank you. Obri… obrigada. Mr. Nilo? Hello? Ah, there you are. I was hoping we might have a small business chat. No, I would much prefer now. My name is Dr. Lily Houghton, and my brother and I are looking for passage upriver, and I’m told that you are the man for the job. That’s impossible, because you come… …highly recommended. Mr. Nilo, your name is plastered all over the boats outside. I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. I have a lot of money. Oh. It’s been said. Now, we’re headed upriver, in the direction of the Peruvian Andes. This region doesn’t really have a name on the conventional map, but it was once known to some as Lagrimas de Cristal. Trousers. And yes, as are you. Well, we’re not in England last time I checked. Now, look, as shocking as the pants are, I’d really…. who’s Frank? I will have a little something. I’ll have whatever you’re having. So, do you know the region, Mr. Nilo? Oh, but I do. And I will. Well, I’m not here for a vacation. Isn’t it extraordinary? The detail and the care he took. It was drawn by Aguirre’s cartographer. And it belonged to my father, who used to tell me all about the Tears of the Moon when I was a little girl. Look, can you get us there or not? Or has this just been a colossal waste of my time? Did you? Well, that’s never gonna do it. Mr. Nilo, I spent my childhood playtime with the toddler pickpockets of Delhi, so… there we go. Allow me to manage my own safety, if that’s all right. Now, shall we negotiate a price? Or shall I just cast about for another skipper?”
“Oh, Mr. Nilo insisted it was his treat. I consider 5,000 real more than adequate. Oh, and your most modest. Fine, 10,000. Why should I pay more dead? 20, dead or alive. Why ever would we be turning back? Well, I look forward to disappointing you. Not Mr. Nilo. No. So, I suppose that would make you… as in ‘Frank owes me money,’ Frank? Of course. It’s all making perfect sense. I suppose it’s only a scam if you fall for it. Well, thank you, Mr. Frank. I hope we never meet again. Mr. Nilo, hello. Did you just whistle at me? Why should I trust you? Oh, my gosh! I am not afraid. Shut up! You are a lot of things that I don’t really care for. But you are capable, so, 12,000. 12,000. Nuh! 12. Half now, half upon return, alive, and if we have a deal, I’ll meet you at the docks with our luggage. Good. Oh, no, ‘Frank owes me money,’ we’re gonna depart in 10 minutes. Does it? Good decision.”
“Not mine. What’re you gonna do with those birds? No, you’re not. How much? Hey! MacGregor! Help, MacGregor! MacGregor!”
MacGregor
“All legends are born in truth. From the Amazon came the legend of the Tears of the Moon. A single petal from the great Tree could cure any illness and break any curse. Over the centuries, many expeditions went searching for the Healing Tears of legend. None more famous than that of the conquistador Don Lope de Aguirre, who was determined to possess the Tears’ power. But the jungle protected the Tears. History will tell you his journey ended in failure. But legends tell more. That he was found by the Guardians of the Tree and nursed back to life. That he demanded they give him the sacred Arrowhead, the key to finding the Tears of the Moon. That Aguirre attacked. But the jungle defended, and Aguirre and his conquistadors were taken, cursed, never to leave sight of the river again, unable to leave or die… …or so the legend goes. ‘We know they disappeared here, in the region of Lágrimas de Cristal, and it is here that we will find the true source of the legend, a tree that possesses unparalleled healing powers. My esteemed colleagues… my esteemed colleagues… …I assert that the famous legend of the Tears of the Moon is not a myth but scientific truth.’ ‘One that could revolutionize modern medicine, curing illnesses that not only scourge our cities, but cut down more of our soldiers in the trenches than German bullets. I have come here today to request access to your exclusive archives… …including an ancient Arrowhead recently recovered from the lost expedition of Dr. Albert Falls. The Arrowhead represents the missing piece that will finally unlock the location of, pause for dramatic effect, the… The Tears of the Moon.'”
“Be that as it may, since I have your attention, would you at least allow me to, uh, continue with my, uh, examination of how important the Tears of the Moon could be to medicine?”
“A cure for all ailments, whether it be consumption, diphtheria, dengue fever, yellow fever, hay fever, fever fever… all fevers, um, would be covered. None that I’ve ever agreed to.”
“You think you’re the first to eject me? I have been turned out of some of the best clubs in Europe. Stop! Stop! Can I put it on a tab?”
“Breaking and entering, grand larceny, and worst of all, forced to take public transport. Should I be concerned about you? If I wanted to go to a primitive backwater where I can’t understand a word anyone’s saying, I’d visit our relatives in Scotland. Barely got over that hideous trip with Father to Bhutan. But who’d look after you?”
“Ah. Be a good chap and, uh, take care of the luggage. Told you not to wear trousers. Drawing unnecessary attention. Let’s not start a fight with a monkey vendor. Right, I think we’ve earned ourselves some nice lunch at the hotel, then a bath and cocktail.”
“Ugh, what fresh hell is this? Classy clientele. Perhaps I should search for Mr. Nilo elsewhere. There’s always a chance he’s at the hotel bar. Oh, that option is becoming increasingly desirable.”
“Lily, look who I found at the hotel bar. Mr. Nilo. He drives a hard bargain, but he met his match with me. Negotiated him down to 50,000. Who’s your friend? Might be me. Warm, liquid fear. Shoo. A little bit more fear just came out. Ouch.”
“Mine. And I assure you, every one of these items is entirely necessary for my survival. Dinner without a dinner jacket is hardly, well, dinner, is it? Now… be a good chap. What on earth do you think you’re doing? That will need to be retrieved immediately. No. Those are my tennis rackets. Assorted day wear and shoes? Light reading and bathing costumes? The liquor? Now, listen here, you buffoon, if you scuttle any more of my luggage, I will… gosh, there’s a lot of you, isn’t there? Lily?”
Prince Joachim
“Hello. Shaka Zulu. Through one simple act of innovation, he came to dominate all his enemies from the… there was that, but also the encirclement tactic. You are not where you ought to be. The secretatries’ gallery is that way.”
“I don’t want the whole lot, just one thing. Seems someone got to it before me. Stop her! Oh. Fraulein, give me that box and I will help you up. You are slipping! You just told them my name. It is Prince ‘Joachim.’ Good. You keep that money, and you tell me, who is that woman?”
Mr. Nilo
“Buongiorno, Frankie boy! Hey, Frankie, you know what today is? It’s the third Tuesday of the month. My money, Frank. My contante. Where is it? You insult me, Frank. This is not all of my money. This is like a little pinky toe, nothing… itty-bitty, little nothing of my money, Frank. You borrow money from me to get a new engine, well, you got to pay me back, plus interest. Yeah, I’m going to keep your engine for now. I get 5,000 real in one week, then you get it back. I don’t get my money in one week, then I keep your whole boat. Not yet, I don’t, Frank. But I bet you will. I’m gonna guess, by next week. Arrivederci, Franco.”
“Home again, Rosita. Mmm. How you doing?”
“Ah! Buongiorno, signorina. Enjoying your meal, Frank. Eh, scusa. Aren’t you missing an engine? Signorina, he could not get you as far as the outhouse. In fact, his boat kind of looks like an outhouse. Everybody stay calm!”
Sir James
“And you made your request, Mr. Houghton, and the answer remains, emphatically, ‘no.’ Our archive are the providence of legitimate scholars, not inspired amateurs.”
“Mr. Houghton, we granted you an audience in deference to your late father. This, however, seems remarkably like a paper I had the honor of refusing when it was submitted by a female writer, a Dr. Lily Houghton. No relation, I take it? Shall we help you find your way out?”
“Here we are. It’s in the first crate of the lot. And thank you so much for you very generous contribution, in solid gold bars, I might add. Would make life so much simpler if more people paid in gold. Um, they shouldn’t have. I’m sure it’s all there. It must have slid somewhere. Let’s… let’s see. It was definitely there. Oh! It’s been mislabeled as ‘Zulu.’ Grab her! The end of the line. Get down! No, no, no! Ha-ha! Bravo! I think I speak for the entire Society when I offer my most sincere apologies to you, Prince Joachim. Oh. Oh. Joachim. Now, Prince Joachim, we could refund your money from the… I don’t… I do know who that was.”
University
“Hear, hear. Hear, hear.”
University Employee
“Excuse me. This are is for Society members only. Yes. Well, to be quite frank, I’ve no idea how you even…”
Man
“Good day, sir!”
Conductor
“Fare, please.”
Passenger
“Are you still giving a tour? She is a small child.”
Passenger 2
“Perhaps a refund? We should’ve taken the other cruise, honey. Told you. Wow.”
Passenger 3
“Skipper! Skipper? Skipper! I think you should see this! Skipper! Skipper! Please, go faster. Grazie.”
Passenger 4
“About to die. Sir? Oh… oh…”
Passenger 5
“Mommy, can you please make him stop? But hippos aren’t native to the…”
Passenger 6
“It looks just like the front side.”
Brazil street kid
“Au revoir. Adios.”
Brazil street kid 2
“Thank you.”
Cockatoo
“Frank owes me money. Frank owes me money. Frank owes me money. Frank owes me money. Frank owes me money. Frank owes me money.”
Waitress
“Who’s paying for all this?”
Bar Patron
“He did it.”
Dock Worker
“We’re gonna stuff them and send them to Paris.”
