Netflix‘s episodic rendition of Lemony Snicket’s a Series of Unfortunate Events premiered last week.
Unfortunate Events season 2 is already under way.
Rottentomatoes: 92%
Metacritic: 81
IMDb: 8.6
***SPOILERS AHEAD***
Lacie
Annalise Keating
Meave Millay
Richard Roper
Jamie Lannister
Javier Peña
Count Olaf
An opportunistic fortune hunter known as Count Olaf utilizes his acting talents to manipulate a dim-witted banker Arthur Poe into adopting Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire into his desolate domicile, guarded vigilantly by his thespian compatriots, and essentially works them as house staff.
Olaf tries to arrange a nuptial agreement with Violet live on the stage of his local theater, as to legally inherit the Baudelaire fortune, but this plot is foiled.
Subsequently the count and his acting troupe follow the kids on their journey of vetting proper legal guardian candidates, differing unique and extravagant aliases and disguises, hatching elaborate plots and schemes to somehow come into possession of their lustrous inheritance.
“Hello, hello, hello, children. I am Count Olaf, the renowned actor and your new guardian. You’re welcome. You’re welcome. Please, come in, and mind you wipe your feet on the mat so you don’t track in any mud. And don’t forget your enormous fortune!” — Count Olaf
“Well, I hope I can prove myself to be the father you never had.” — Count Olaf
Yes, I know. And a mother. Remarkable woman. Flammable. So, Poe, do I need to sign for them or something?
— Count Olaf
Well, then, as we say in the theater, exit stage right. — Count Olaf
“Well, children, before I give you a tour of your new home, aren’t you going to say ‘How do you do?’ to your new guardian?” — Count Olaf
“How do I do? Better and better, Baudelaires. Better and better.” — Count Olaf
Do you know what this is? Wrong! It’s a list. A list of chores. Rich brats like you are probably spoiled rotten and have never done a chore in your life. — Count Olaf
“Really? Did you help around the house? That’s great. Well, welcome to your lucky life. Come with me, and I’ll show you the delightful features of your home.” — Count Olaf
“This is the kitchen, where you may help yourselves to meals. I expect you to keep everything gleamingly clean.” — Count Olaf
“The stove is a bit like a servant. You have to whack it sometimes… …to get it to work.” — Count Olaf
“This is the library, which you will keep well-dusted. This is where I do all my reading.” — Count Olaf
“I don’t use the ballroom at all. You’ll have to redo the floors.” — Count Olaf
“Laundry room. You can hang my underwear on that rack when you’re done washing it.” — Count Olaf
“This is the backyard, which needs weeding, mowing, and pruning. It is also where you will chop wood.” — Count Olaf
Bathroom number seven, the only one you are allowed to use. It has all the usual amenities, though the management regrets to inform you that the shampoo is not tear-free. If anything, it encourages tears. Rats bite. — Count Olaf
“And this is where you will sleep, orphans. Out of all the numerous bedrooms in this enormous mansion, I have chose this one for your safety and comfort.” — Count Olaf
As you can see, I have provided, at no cost to you, this complimentary pile of rocks. Thoughts? Very true. For example, your first impression of me may be that I am a terrible person. But in time, Baudelaires, I hope you’ll come to realize… you haven’t the faintest idea. — Count Olaf
“I’ll give you a moment to unpack.” — Count Olaf
Showtime! — Count Olaf
“Remember, if you work extra hard, you get to go to the ball… room… which is even grimier. Hang on to your toothbrushes. You’ll need them for your teeth. Stay here. And not a peep.” — Count Olaf
“I meant ‘bed’ as in ‘more than one bed,’ obviously. The plural of ‘bed’ is… ‘bed.'” — Count Olaf
“No kidding.” — Count Olaf
“Fine. But wait here, for your own safety. They tend to throw things.” — Count Olaf
They don’t want to see you. ‘The lamb was too salty.’ Rich kids. — Count Olaf
Why aren’t you cleaning? My list was very specific. — Count Olaf
“No, you didn’t. You missed one. You still have to prepare a large meal for myself and my theater troupe.” — Count Olaf
Plan the menu, purchase the ingredients, prepare the food, set the table, serve dinner, clean up afterward, and stay out of our way. — Count Olaf
“Do you know what that is? Hard-earned money. The most important substance on earth besides applause and lip balm. Since the bossy banker won’t let us use any of your parents enormous fortune, I am now forced to cough up my own earnings from theatrical performances and the occasional bit of consulting work. Now… quick. Get a move on. The troupe will be here at 7:00. And in the meantime, I will be up in… Can you guess?” — Count Olaf
“Wrong! My secret tower room. Which you are forbidden to go into. Understood? Forbidden! That’s… Yes.” — Count Olaf
Orphans… …this is my theater troupe. And as anyone in the theater knows, after a grand entrance, the audience is supposed to applaud. — Count Olaf
“No, orphans, you are not. But we have been preparing an exciting new production that, on opening night, will change your life. All of the artistic and financial aspects of my career are finally coming together like two pieces of a bread in the middle of a sandwich.” — Count Olaf
“I don’t care what she means. I don’t have time to learn a second language besides whatever it is I’m speaking right now. In any case, we demand congratulations. A big round of applause. And the delicious meal that you promised myself and my troupe.” — Count Olaf
“You know, every time she talks, it’s like the tines of a fork are being jammed into my–” — Count Olaf
“What are we supposed to do until then? Okay, fine. I’ll open up a box of the Merlote.” — Count Olaf
At times like these, surrounded by colleagues and cohorts, gathered in fellowship for the purpose of plotting theater, there’s an eternal that always springs to mind… When are we going to eat? — Count Olaf
“It is the thrill of the 14th mandatory standing ovation. I give and I give to my public just as I give and I give to these orphans. But sometimes, and every actor does this, I ask myself ‘Is it worth it? Is it really worth it to chase an enormous fortune?’ Where’s the roast beef? The roast beef.” — Count Olaf
“What? No roast beef?” — Count Olaf
Look at my guests! They… they can hardly touch this revolting foreign food. In agreeing to adopt you, I became your father. And as your father, I am not someone to be trifled with. — Count Olaf
“Well, let’s not get carried away. I demand that you serve roast beef to myself and my guests!” — Count Olaf
“Alas, poor Sunny. This table is a mess. There’s hardly a place to put down a baby. We’re leaving for rehearsals. You children are to clean the table, and wash the dishes, and polish the silver, and rinse out all the wine bottles for recycling. And then you are to go straight to your beds.” — Count Olaf
If you want another bed, tomorrow you may go into town and purchase one. — Count Olaf
“Of course you do. You three lucky orphans are inheriting an enormous fortune.” — Count Olaf
The theater awaits. — Count Olaf
“Do you know what the question I’m asked most is? ‘Why do I do it?’ ‘Count Olaf,’ they ask me, ‘why are you an actor? Why not a model, or a millionaire playboy? Why respond to the siren song that the Spanish call ‘El theater?” No. No. Where are the costumes? Nobody brought the costumes? Stay in the car. No.” — Count Olaf
“Hello, banker man. The Baudelaire fire is precisely why I’m here. I said file. Allow me to introduce myself, because, as you can see from my mole, we’ve never met before. As you can see from my coat, hat and ascot, I’m here on business. And as you can see from my sunglasses… it’s bright out. I’m here to consult with you on the Baudelaire will, for which I understand you are the executioner.” — Count Olaf
“Person who controls people’s fortunes after a terrible fire has just happened. My name is… … is Yessica haircut.” — Count Olaf
“It is one thing to listen to science, Mr. Banker Man. It is another to listen to the advice of a consultant. And in my important actual consulting expertise business, the phrase ‘closest living relative’ can mean only one thing… ‘whoever lives nearby.’ I would stake my fortune on it. Or my name’s not whatever it is I told you it was.” — Count Olaf
I think the person nearest to the Baudelaires is renowned actor and handsome man, Count Olaf. — Count Olaf
He’s been favorably mentioned in theatrical reviews in several small magazines. His name is pronounced… Count Olaf. And if I’m not mistaken, he lives right… right here. Yes, absolutely, for sure. — Count Olaf
“Put some elbow grease into it! Hurry up, orphans. There’s reupholstering to be done.” — Count Olaf
“I spent all morning making these cupcakes for you. Aren’t raspberries delicious? They were my favorite berry when I was your age.” — Count Olaf
“I want to talk to you about something. I recently received a call from Mr. Poe. I’m glad he did, because I want you three children to feel more at home here, now that I am your father. As you know, I have been working hard with my theater troupe, and I may have acted a bit standoffish. Therefore… …to make you feel a little more at home here… …I want you to participate in my next play.” — Count Olaf
“The play is called The Marvelous Marriage, and is by the great playwright Al Funcoot. We will give only one performance, this Friday night. It tells the story of a very handsome and good-looking man, played by me. You, Klaus, and you, Sunny, will play two cheering people in the crowd.” — Count Olaf
“Build the sets? Oh, heavens, no. A pretty girl like you shouldn’t be working backstage. Sunny, Sunny, Sunny… Violet, Violet, Violet. You will be playing the young woman I marry. It’s a very important role although you only have one line, and I think you know what it is. No, no, no. It’s ‘I do.’ What did you call me?” — Count Olaf
You will participate in my theatrical performance! I would prefer it if you participate voluntarily, but as I believe Mr. Poe has explained to you, I can act loco parentheses. Poco De Laurentis. — Count Olaf
“The point is, I can order you to participate, and you must obey. Now go to talk to the woman in the wig. I can’t stand looking at you anymore.” — Count Olaf
Seize the children! I said day. — Count Olaf
Let me eat cake. — Count Olaf
What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in your room. — Count Olaf
“Let me give you a piece of advice. If you use fancy-pants words first thing in the morning, you’re going to end up a very lonely man.” — Count Olaf
“I knew that. I was testing you.” — Count Olaf
“I don’t think a boy your age ought to be using the word ‘titular.'” — Count Olaf
“You know, some people say that the hardest job in the world is raising a child. But it is nothing compared to conceiving, writing, directing, producing, and performing in a theatrical presentation for the purposes of stealing their dead parents’ fortune. It’s a very difficult job, and I will not have any orphans mucking it up. — Count Olaf
“I thought they were penniless orphans.” — Count Olaf
Cunning, shrewd, selfish, an astute soubrette Count Olaf is an Artisan.
Violet Baudelaire
Violet Baudelaire is the oldest and most inventive Baudelaire sibling.
After her parents pass in a tragic and horrendous fire, she shoulders most of the responsibility in tending and caring for the Baudelaire children.
“Briny Beach, please. I wonder why mother and father didn’t want to come with us. Maybe they don’t like this rickety trolley.” — Violet Baudelaire
“Thank you, but it’s a perfect morning to go to the beach. That’s what makes it perfect.” — Violet Baudelaire
“Are you ready? Do you think this will be as good as the mailbox?” — Violet Baudelaire
“I’m having a problem with the grandfather clock.” — Violet Baudelaire
“See? It toasts the bread, but the minute hand falls behind five minutes.” — Violet Baudelaire
That’d be disappointing. I made them myself. — Violet Baudelaire
“Klaus, at what angle are the prevailing currents?” — Violet Baudelaire
“Could you read it to me? It could be the translation.” — Violet Baudelaire
“Sunny, do we have the right projectile?” — Violet Baudelaire
“That’s perfect, Sunny. Thank you.” — Violet Baudelaire
“I’m curious to see if I can skip the rock as far with my left as I can with my right.” — Violet Baudelaire
“That does seem reasonable. Klaus, what’s that thing Einstein said? And what’s that thing James Brown said?” — Violet Baudelaire
“‘I’m super bad!'” — Violet Baudelaire
It worked. I just wish mother and father had seen it. — Violet Baudelaire
“It’s Mr. Poe. How do you do? It’s a nice day.” — Violet Baudelaire
It’s all gone. — Violet Baudelaire
“What did they leave behind?” — Violet Baudelaire
“Goodbye.” — Violet Baudelaire
“We do.” — Violet Baudelaire
“Do what?” — Violet Baudelaire
“Never heard of him.” — Violet Baudelaire
“Mr. Poe? If he lives so close by, why didn’t our parents ever invite him over?” — Violet Baudelaire
“Yes, I’m Violet Baudelaire, and this is my brother Klaus, and this is my sister, Sunny. And this is Mr. Poe. He’s been arranging things for us.” — Violet Baudelaire
“What my sister means is her teeth are perfect for slicing bread.” — Violet Baudelaire
“Thank you.” — Violet Baudelaire
How do you do? — Violet Baudelaire
Actually, we often help around the house. — Violet Baudelaire
First of all, first impressions are often wrong. — Violet Baudelaire
“It’s okay, Sunny. He’s gone.” — Violet Baudelaire
“A tattoo is just a decorative pigment on skin. It’s not a sign of a wicked person.” — Violet Baudelaire
It’s just a mistake. It’ll get sorted out. Until then, we’ll make this our home. — Violet Baudelaire
Klaus, have you read any books on people who make homes in difficult places? How do they manage? Then we’re already one step ahead. We own nothing. — Violet Baudelaire
“We finished it.” — Violet Baudelaire
“We don’t know how to prepare a large dinner.” — Violet Baudelaire
“Forbidden.” — Violet Baudelaire
We start with a recipe. Do you think Justice Strauss’ library has any cookbooks? — Violet Baudelaire
“We meant to come sooner. We’ve been cleaning.” — Violet Baudelaire
“Actually, Justice Strauss, we really need your help.” — Violet Baudelaire
“A cookbook, so we can make dinner.” — Violet Baudelaire
It’s marvelous. That means she likes it. — Violet Baudelaire
“These books look promising. I think I found something. Pasta puttanesca.” — Violet Baudelaire
“All we have to do is sauté garlic and onions in a pot and then add olives, capers, anchovies, diced parsley and tomatoes to simmer.” — Violet Baudelaire
“I saw a pasta machine in Count Olaf’s kitchen. Looked broken, but I think I can fix it. Justice Strauss? Is there a supermarket nearby?” — Violet Baudelaire
I don’t know what we would have done without you. — Violet Baudelaire
“Klaus, what’s that thing James Brown said?” — Violet Baudelaire
“Yes, we’ve met.” — Violet Baudelaire
“What my sister means is, dinner will be served shortly.” — Violet Baudelaire
“This pasta maker reminds me of the one built by Thomas Jefferson. It will now.” — Violet Baudelaire
“Mother said that actors will eat anything.” — Violet Baudelaire
“They’re all as talented as Count Olaf.” — Violet Baudelaire
I think Dad would be proud of this sauce. — Violet Baudelaire
Maybe we can make this our home after all. — Violet Baudelaire
“Remember what father said when he burnt the quesadillas?” — Violet Baudelaire
“We didn’t make any roast beef. We made puttanesca sauce.” — Violet Baudelaire
“We don’t have any. We made pasta puttanesca.” — Violet Baudelaire
“Let her go!” — Violet Baudelaire
“Are you all right?” — Violet Baudelaire
Mr. Poe must have made a terrible mistake when he took us here. There’s no way our parents would want us in Count Olaf’s care, if we can even call it that. — Violet Baudelaire
Who knows what would happen to us on the street? At least here we have a roof over our head. — Violet Baudelaire
“With a large inventing studio. Justice Strauss said her home was always open to us.” — Violet Baudelaire
“Mr. Poe did say we could contact him if we had any questions.” — Violet Baudelaire
“We’re not going back to Count Olaf’s house! Look at Klaus’ face!” — Violet Baudelaire
“But we’re all different ages. Is that so? I’m sorry Mr. Poe bothered you. Participate how?” — Violet Baudelaire
And what will I do? Build the sets? But I’d like to. Violet? I don’t. Count Olaf… Father… I’m not sure I’m talented enough to perform professionally. I’d hate to disgrace your good name and the name of Al Funcoot. Plus, I’ll be very busy the next few weeks working on my inventions. — Violet Baudelaire
“He ate them all. Besides, Count Olaf is after the fortune we will inherit. Killing us will do him no good.” — Violet Baudelaire
“Actually, Justice Strauss, we’re here to research something else. Do you have any books on the theater?” — Violet Baudelaire
“We’re gonna find out just what you’re up to, Count Olaf.” — Violet Baudelaire
“Awful. What’s gonna happen?” — Violet Baudelaire
“His work speaks for itself.” — Violet Baudelaire
Mother and father… they made me promise to always look after you two and make sure you don’t get into any trouble. Let me keep my promise. — Violet Baudelaire
“If we had kerosene we could make Molotov cocktails with those old wine bottles.” — Violet Baudelaire
Monty cannot be in cahoots with Count Olaf. He seems too nice. — Violet Baudelaire
You’re right. She means well. Even though she’s terrified of everything, we shouldn’t complain. — Violet Baudelaire
“There’s no one else to fix it.” — Violet Baudelaire
“You want our fortune? You can have it. Just leave Sunny alone.” — Violet Baudelaire
Perceptive, persevering, forever in good spirits Violet Baudelaire is an Idealist.
Klaus Baudelaire
Klaus is the middle Baudelaire sibling and is extremely fond of reading books, throughout the sea of misfortune he and his sisters encounter, he does his best to maintain a calm and level head.
“Let’s get to work.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“I think this will be even better than the mailbox.” — Klaus Baudelaire
Can you show me what the specific issues are? — Klaus Baudelaire
“It could be a problem with the gears.” — Klaus Baudelaire
The angle of the prevailing currents… Of course, we still need the right projectile. — Klaus Baudelaire
“Violet, I’m not sure I understand this passage of Proust. ‘Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind.’ Maybe it makes more sense in the original French.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“Excuse me, Violet, but why are you using your left hand?” — Klaus Baudelaire
I don’t mean to criticize, but standard scientific method calls for stable systematics. You should use your standard right-handedness. — Klaus Baudelaire
‘The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.’ — Klaus Baudelaire
“‘I got something that makes me want to shout.'” — Klaus Baudelaire
“‘I’m super bad!'” — Klaus Baudelaire
I never expected otherwise. — Klaus Baudelaire
“It’s not like them to send us off on our own so unexpectedly.”
“It only seems scary because of all the mist. From the bank? What’s he doing here? How do you do?” — Klaus Baudelaire
“We know what ‘perished’ means.” — Klaus Baudelaire
We have absolutely nothing. — Klaus Baudelaire
“It means ‘boiled.'” — Klaus Baudelaire
“I don’t… feel very hungry. Maybe we go to our rooms?” — Klaus Baudelaire
“We feel terrible, and we miss our parents very much.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“We’re all different ages.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“Does he really think that’s what ‘closest living relative’ means?” — Klaus Baudelaire
“We know what ‘hasty’ means.” — Klaus Baudelaire
We’d be more than happy to be of assistance, Justice Strauss. My sister is very mechanically minded, and I’m quite adept at library science. — Klaus Baudelaire
“Are you Count Olaf’s wife?” — Klaus Baudelaire
“We had a father.” — Klaus Baudelaire
It looks like a list. — Klaus Baudelaire
“There’s only only one bed.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“Thoughts? First of all–” — Klaus Baudelaire
“He’s horrible. Did you see the tattoo on his ankle? Unless it’s on a wicked person. How could our parents put us here?” — Klaus Baudelaire
“Mother used to say, ‘Home is where you hang your hat.’ But we don’t have any hats. Just rocks.” — Klaus Baudelaire
There’s a village in the Pacific Islands suspended on ropes above an active volcano. They own very little in case it erupts. — Klaus Baudelaire
If we can survive that, we can survive Count Olaf. — Klaus Baudelaire
“I never wanna use a toothbrush again.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“We even washed your underwear.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“How can we purchase anything? We don’t have any money.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“Your secret tower room?” — Klaus Baudelaire
“How are we supposed to make dinner for an entire theater troupe?” — Klaus Baudelaire
“I wouldn’t say ‘much.'” — Klaus Baudelaire
My sisters and I were wondering… If we might use your library. — Klaus Baudelaire
It’s wonderful. — Klaus Baudelaire
“Always. It’s something my parents had. I don’t know.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“I do. Particularly if the library is tall and the surrounded area has been flooded.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“I wonder what that means in Italian. We still need the pasta.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“We don’t mind your saying so.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“What my sister means is that–” — Klaus Baudelaire
“Will it work?” — Klaus Baudelaire
“I wonder if Count Olaf’s troupe will enjoy this meal.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“You’ve seen them perform. Would you call them actors.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“And I think Mom would be proud of how you made your own pasta.” — Klaus Baudelaire
Yeah. ‘Better than nothing.’ — Klaus Baudelaire
“And homemade pasta. You didn’t tell us you wanted roast beef.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“You mean our bed. You’ve only provided us with one bed.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“You know perfectly well we haven’t any money.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“The money our parents left behind is not to be used until Violet–” — Klaus Baudelaire
No. This isn’t. Better than nothing. — Klaus Baudelaire
As soon as Count Olaf’s back is turned we need to leave this house. I’d rather take my chances on the streets than stay here any longer. — Klaus Baudelaire
“I wish our parents’ money could be used now, instead of when you come of age. Then we could buy a castle and live in it with armed guards patrolling outside to keep out Count Olaf and his troupe. And a library.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“She said her legal library was always open to us. It’s not the same thing.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“We don’t really have a question. We have a complaint.” — Klaus Baudelaire
It sounds like Latin. — Klaus Baudelaire
“It means he’ll do nothing to help us.” — Klaus Baudelaire
That man works for Count Olaf. — Klaus Baudelaire
“But we’re shorter than most adults. Won’t that look strange to the audience? My sister is very good with tools.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“And learning how to prepare roast beef.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“In loco parentis. In loco parentis.” — Klaus Baudelaire
Do you think he was trying to poison us with those raspberries? — Klaus Baudelaire
Justice Strauss, do you have anything on local ordinances? I’m actually considering a career in law. I find those books quite fascinating. — Klaus Baudelaire
“We know you’re just trying to steal our parents’ fortune. We’re gonna prove it.” — Klaus Baudelaire
This is terrible, terrible. I don’t know. But I know what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna stay up all night with a book. — Klaus Baudelaire
“I figured out your scheme. You’re not going to marry Violet figuratively. You’re going to marry her literally.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“You’ll never touch our fortune.” — Klaus Baudelaire
May I have a blackboard, please? In the respected legal tome, Nuptial Law, John Locke’s 1690s groundbreaking work is cited, postulating that the law of the land rests on the… And so, as Martin Luther King said, ‘Morality cannot be legislated, but behavior can be regulated. Judicial decrees may not change the heart… but they can restrain the heartless.’ — Klaus Baudelaire
Things aren’t always as they seem. Something strange is going on here. Mother and father told us all sorts of stories that happened before we were born. — Klaus Baudelaire
Life is a conundrum of esoterica. — Klaus Baudelaire
“I once read a book about the history of legalized gambling.” — Klaus Baudelaire
“Father always said he didn’t trust optimists or optometrists.” — Klaus Baudelaire
Scientific, wise, stubborn, ahead of his age Klaus Baudelaire is a Rational.
Arthur Poe
Arthur Poe is the local lawyer tasked with informing the Baudelaire children tragically that their parents have passed on. He also oversees their transitions from guardian to guardian.
After several unsuccessful attempts in this department he sends the children off to Prufrock Preparatory School.
“Fine, thank you.” — Arthur Poe
It is a nice day. I have some very bad news for you children. Your parents have perished in a terrible fire. They perished in a fire that destroyed your entire home. I’m very, very sorry to have to tell you this… my dears. ‘Perished’ means ‘killed.’ — Arthur Poe
“I’ve never been through anything like this myself, but I can imagine just how you feel. I did think you’d want to see what remains of your home, even though it is… more or less, um…” — Arthur Poe
I just want to assure you Baudelaires that you have absolutely nothing… …to worry about.— Arthur Poe
I am the executor of your parents’ estate, which means I’ll be handling all matters concerning everything they left behind. — Arthur Poe
Financial security. Your parents left behind an enormous fortune, which will be yours when Violet comes of age. Until then, you will be placed with the proper guardian, or guardians, as decided by myself and my fellow bankers at Mulctuary Money Management. — Arthur Poe
“Say goodbye, Boudelaires.” — Arthur Poe
“Until we’ve identified your designated guardian, you’ll stay with my family. That’s not so bad, is it, Baudelaires? I’m sure you’ll become fast friends with Edgar and Albert.” — Arthur Poe
“Now now, son. Dearest, maybe not in front of the children.” — Arthur Poe
“Good night, Boudelaires. Remember, our home is your home.” — Arthur Poe
Chop-chop, Boudelaires! Now that I’ve found you a suitable guardian, I’m going to take you to your new home before banking hours begin. — Arthur Poe
“I know you must be nervous about living with a guardian. I remember how I was when I was your age. Well, I should think at least a fraction of your unhappiness will turn to excitement when you meet this man. I know he’s certainly very eager to meet you. And he’s employed as an actor, so you know his excitement is genuine. His name is Count Olaf.” — Arthur Poe
“He’s either… Let’s see. What is it? Your third cousin fourth time removed or your fourth cousin three times removed. In any case, he’s removed. Still, he’s only three miles away, and your parents’ will was very specific about your being raised by your closest living relative.” — Arthur Poe
Possibly because he was very busy. As a banker, I’m often very busy myself. Which is why this guardian drop-off is going to be a bit hasty. ‘Hasty’ means ‘quickly,’ because I’m due at the bank soon. — Arthur Poe
Mulctuary Money Management. My name and title are on the card. Although I may be in line for a promotion, so that might change. — Arthur Poe
“That’s strange. He said specifically he was very eager to get his hands on you.” — Arthur Poe
“What? No. No.” — Arthur Poe
“Goodbye, Violet. Goodbye, Klaus. Goodbye, Sunny. I hope you’ll be happy here. I’ll still check in on you occasionally. If you need anything or have questions, you can reach me at the bank.” — Arthur Poe
Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please? — Arthur Poe
“File, not fire. Executor. That’s strange. I have an appointment for a haircut right now. Jacquelyn, please cancel the haircut. No, no. I wanna hear what this man Haircut has to say.” — Arthur Poe
“Well, Mr. Haircut, the Baudelaire will states very clearly what is to happen in the event of the untimely deaths of Mr. and Mrs. Baudelaire. They are to be raised by their closest living relative, who appears to be a renowned scientist by the name of–” — Arthur Poe
Speaking of not understanding a word someone is saying! Baudelaires, are you familiar with the term, ‘in loco parentis?’ Latin and legal. ‘In loco parentis’ means ‘acting in the role of a parent.’ It is a legal term and it applies to Count Olaf. The actor is acting as your parent. And as your legal guardian, Count Olaf may raise you using any method he sees fit. So I’m sorry if your parents didn’t make you do household chores, or if you like their friends more than you like Count Olaf’s friends. But there are certain things you must get used to. Now, I’m sorry if I have to usher you out posthaste, but I’ve got work to do. ‘Posthaste’ means ‘very, very–‘ — Arthur Poe
“Oh, on the contrary, I’ll have my new secretary give you a ride home as soon as he’s finished typing up that report.” — Arthur Poe
He did say Count Olaf was one of his professional contacts. It was good seeing you, Baudelaires. — Arthur Poe
Oh, children, it’s rude to question police authority. — Arthur Poe
Oh, no, children, you’re going to boarding school. It’s the end of the season, um, semester, so you’re going to have to work very hard to catch up. It won’t be easy, but I promise you it will build character. — Arthur Poe
“Here’s a fun bit of trivia. The architect who built this school was severely depressed.” — Arthur Poe
I always wanted to go to boarding school. Rules, traditions… Why, I’d give every last suit just to wear a uniform. — Arthur Poe
Oh, this has already taken up much too long already. Banking hours. — Arthur Poe
Overworked, unsuspecting, and fond of qualifications Arthur Poe is a Guardian.
Lemony Snicket
“If you are interested in stories with happy endings, then you would be better off somewhere else. In this story, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning, and a very few happy things in the middle. My name is Lemony Snicket. It is my solemn duty to bring to light the sorry history of the Boudelaire children as it happened so many years ago. But you in the audience have no such obligation, and I would advise all our viewers to turn away immediately and watch something more pleasant instead.” — Lemony Snicket
“This story will be dreadful, melancholy, and calamitous, a word which here means ‘dreadful and melancholy.’ That is because not very many happy things happened in the lives of the Baudelaires.” — Lemony Snicket
“Violet, Klaus and Sunny were intelligent children. Charming and resourceful, they had pleasant facial features, but they were extremely unlucky. Most everything that happened to them was rife with misfortune, misery and despair. I’m sorry to tell you this… …but that’s how the story goes.” — Lemony Snicket
“The Baudelaire family lived in an enormous mansion at the heart of a dirty and busy city, and one day the parents rather unexpectedly asked their children to take a rickety trolley alone to the seashore.” — Lemony Snicket
“‘Rickety’ is a word here which means ‘unsteady’ or ‘likely to collapse at any moment.'” — Lemony Snicket
“When Briny Beach was hot and sunny, the seashore was crowded with tourists and it was impossible to find a good place to lay one’s blanket. On gray and cloudy days. the Baudelaires had the beach more or less to themselves, so they could work together on their projects and experiments.” — Lemony Snicket
“Violet Baudelaire was the eldest Baudelaire child. She was 14 years old, right-handed, had a real knack for inventing and building unusual devices.” — Lemony Snicket
“When Violet Boudelaire tied her hair up like that, it was a sure sign that the pulleys, levers and gears of her inventing mind were working at top speed.” — Lemony Snicket
“Klaus Baudelaire was the middle child and only boy. He was a little older than 12 and wore glasses, which made him look intelligent. He was intelligent.” — Lemony Snicket
“Sunny Baudelaire was an infant, a word which here means ‘a person of the age at which one mostly speaks in a series of unintelligible shrieks,’ so most people had trouble understanding what she was saying.” — Lemony Snicket
“What Sunny lacked in communication skills, however, she made up for with the size and sharpness of her four teeth.” — Lemony Snicket
“‘I’ve got something that tells me what it’s all about.'” — Lemony Snicket
“Yes, the invention worked. This would be a perfect time to leave and pretend the rest of the story was just as happy and successful.” — Lemony Snicket
“Certainly, I wish I could go back and change the history of the Boudelaires at this very moment rather than descent into misery, tribulation and… dire inconvenience which will occur shortly.” — Lemony Snicket
“I have spent months of research and years crying myself to sleep, trying to discover the precise cause of the Baudelaire fire. But… all my associates and I have managed to learn is that neither the official fire department nor the volunteer fire department arrived in time to stop the blaze. And within moments, the entire Boudelaire mansion was engulfed in flames.” — Lemony Snicket
“It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus and Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost somebody very important to you, then you already know how it feels. And if you haven’t… you cannot possibly imagine it.” — Lemony Snicket
“In the years since I’ve inquired what became of the brothers Poe. One followed his father into the world of banking. The other lives in a cave and talks to sheep. They each think the other has it better. I regret to inform you, the Baudelaires’ fate was worse.” — Lemony Snicket
“The dreadful villainy of this vile fiend has haunted me since I first met him as a young man. And every night when I continue my work on the Baudelaire case, I find myself weeping thinking of his utter wickedness and severe lack of theatrical talent.” — Lemony Snicket
“If only Justice Strauss had been able to get past Count Olaf, if only she’d seen the children in their horrible circumstances, if only this world weren’t such a wicked and topsy-turvy place… this story might have turned out differently.” — Lemony Snicket
“An associate of mine named Brillat-Savarin famously said, ‘To invite people to dine with us is to make ourselves responsible for their well-being as long as they are under our roofs.’ But he was an 18th century philosopher and gourmand… and these were three children with very little catering experience. Nevertheless, the Baudelaire orphans snapped into action.” — Lemony Snicket
“While they waited for the pasta to boil, Violet sautéed the garlic, and washed and chopped the anchovies. Klaus peeled the tomatoes and pitted the olives. And Sunny banged on a pot with a wooden spoon singing a rather repetitive song she had written herself. By the time it was time for the youngest Baudelaire to chop the parsley with her teeth… all three children felt less miserable than they had… since they first came to Count Olaf’s.” — Lemony Snicket
“There are many, many things that are better than nothing. A home-cooked meal is better than nothing. A roof over one’s head is better than nothing. And a place to sleep, even if the bed is very small and the blanket damp with tears, is better than nothing. But being raised in a violent and sinister environment by a man more interested in one’s fortune than comfort and well-being is not better than nothing. And as the Boudelaires would discover, there are some things that even a long night of introspection cannot change.” — Lemony Snicket
“The Baudelaires orphans knew they had to find a way out of their dreadfully unfortunate circumstances, and, perhaps, solve the mystery of how they ended up in them. I have the same dedication to researching and presenting this story no matter what danger it puts me in. Trouble and strife can cover this world like the dark of night, or like smoke from a suspicious fire. And when that happens… …all good, true and decent people know that it’s time to volunteer.” — Lemony Snicket
“Hello, my name is Lemony Snicket, and I’m sorry to say that the alleged entertainment you are watching is extremely unpleasant. From the beginning of this miserable tale to the last melancholy scene, I cannot think of a single line, a single word, that does not chill me to my deepest bones.” — Lemony Snicket
“However, the sad history of the Baudelaire orphans did not begin in the private, somewhat ill-decorated office of Mr. Poe at Mulctuary Money Management. Nor does their story begin on this gray and cloudy morning at Briny Beach, where the Baudelaire children, Violet, Klaus and Sunny, received terrible news. In fact, the tale of the Baudelaire orphans begins long before the fire which left the children with practically nothing to their names. Their story begins before their brief and unpleasant stay with the Poe family. It begins before the children meet Justice Strauss, a nice lady who, unfortunately, is not their guardian. And before the Baudelaire orphans were placed under the care of a terrible actor with a mysterious tattoo of an eye on his ankle, who made the Baudelaires sleep in the awful room, do a series of difficult and irritating chores, and cook dinner for his disreputable and largely untalented theater troupe, resulting in an act of violence that ought not to be shown on-screen. ‘Why?’ you may ask. Why did the Baudelaire orphans suffer through this series of unfortunate events? How did the resourceful and intelligent children of kindly and attentive parents end up in the care of Count Olaf? That answer, at least, can be found shortly after the fire that claimed the Baudelaire home. Inside the private, somewhat ill-decorated office of Mr. Poe at Mulctuary Money Management.” — Lemony Snicket
“There are many police inspectors, concerned citizens and television executives who have expressed confusion as to how the Baudelaire orphans ended up in Count Olaf’s so-called care. The scene you see behind me is called a flashback. That is a word here which means ‘taken place during the events of the last episode, shortly after the Baudelaire fire and during the Baudelaire children’s unfortunate stay with the Poe family.’ I present it to you now in the hopes that the police inspectors, concerned citizens and television executives might finally leave me alone.” — Lemony Snicket
“These events at Mulctuary Money Management resulted in unfortunate events far and near, from a woman trapped in a remote park… …to three orphans in horrifying circumstances, as our story resumes.” — Lemony Snicket
“The word ‘standoffish’ is a wonderful one, but it does not describe Count Olaf’s behavior toward the children. ‘Standoffish’ refers to a person who, for various reasons, is not associating with others. It is a word which might describe somebody who, during a party, might stand in a corner instead of talking to another person. It would not describe somebody who provides one bed for three people to sleep in, forces them to do horrible chores and strikes them across the face. There are many words for people like that. But ‘standoffish’ isn’t one of them.” — Lemony Snicket
“Marriage is like sharing a root beer float, or agreeing to be the back half of a horse costume. Even when it’s happening onstage, you should only do it with the people you love. I have never been married myself. I once desperately loved a remarkably brave and bravely remarkable woman, who, when I asked her if she would be my wife, found, for complicated and unfathomable reasons, she could give me no answer.” — Lemony Snicket
“Klaus was not reading for his own enjoyment, but to try to rescue his siblings from a terrible predicament. The book was not at all interesting. The book was long and difficult. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. By night’s end, Klaus had found out all he needed to know. His hopes rose with the dawn. Although, unfortunately… …so did Count Olaf.” — Lemony Snicket
“Some things in life are difficult to understand even after years and years of thinking about ’em while wandering alone through desolate landscapes… usually during the off-season. The Baudelaires did not understand why they were now off toward an unknown relative instead of living with Justice Strauss. But as with so many unfortunate events in life, just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean it isn’t so.” — Lemony Snicket
Sunny Baudelaire
“Can you find a rock that’s not sandstone?” — Sunny Baudelaire
“I agree.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Who’s that mysterious figure?” — Sunny Baudelaire
“How do you do?” — Sunny Baudelaire
“What’s that?” — Sunny Baudelaire
“I’d also be happy to help.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“That was dismaying.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Magnificent.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Bread goes on the outside of a sandwich.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“We need a few minutes, you scoundrel.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“And chocolate pudding for dessert.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“And chewable objects.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“He’s clearly after our fortune.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“They’re store bought!” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Ghastly.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Seriously?” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Yeah right.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“I’m a fast learner.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Sure.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Your dreams of being an actress put us in grave danger. But your heart was in the right place.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“You’re a disgrace to your profession.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“But it doesn’t explain why we’re being sent to live with him.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“That would be lovely.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Nope.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Don’t answer it.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Uh oh!” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Uh oh.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Wuh?” — Sunny Baudelaire
“They were delicious.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“It’s a very painful procedure.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“I’m suspicious.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“This is terrible.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“We bonded over biting.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Roger.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Aha!” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Crazy aunt Josephine.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Get her help.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“I prefer the music of Tito Puente.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Ike.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Safe crackers.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Go jump in the lake!” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Olaf.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Awkward.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Sham!” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Ugh!” — Sunny Baudelaire
“That’s offensive.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“As do I.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“And it’s relaxing.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Pirate style.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Man up.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Here we go again.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“She’s loony.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Dramatic irony?” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Da-da” — Sunny Baudelaire
“What’s wrong with Klaus?” — Sunny Baudelaire
“I know.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Any Tito Puente?” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Phil.” — Sunny Baudelaire
“Phil!” — Sunny Baudelaire
