Netflix‘s episodic rendition of Lemony Snicket’s a Series of Unfortunate Events premiered last week.
Unfortunate Events season 2 is already under way.
Shameless’ renewal status is in limbo pending ratings diametrics.
Emmys: 2 wins 10 nominations
Vernon Francis Gallagher is the father of six children and subsists in various parts of southside Chicago.
Frank is an unemployed booze-hound, and the son of Neville and Sarah Elizabeth Gallagher.
He married Monica Gallagher, with whom he has seven children (Fiona, Phillip, Carl, Debbie, Liam, Stella, Ben), and one, Ian, who was fathered by one of three of his brothers.
Frank is a rampant deadbeat alcoholic, drug addict, relentless drifter, and morally deficient freeloader, who siphons money out of his children in various ways to barely scrape out a living.
His mother Margaret ‘Peggy’ Gallagher is an OG ex-con fresh out the joint. Tragically she passes while on medical furlough.
Frank has a romance and lives with his kids’ neighbor Sheila Jackson, a borderline delusional housewife, who is afflicted with agoraphobia and cooks him free food. She also makes him wear furry animal costumes during sexual encounters and sticks objects up his butt hole.
Frank spends the lion’s share of his time at The Alibi Room, a local bar. Him and Sheils discontinue their romance temporarily, but remain friends.
Frank even helps his successor recovering sex-addict Jody Silverman acclimate himself to Sheila’s requests, while he lives at her home and eats her gourmet culinary exploits. She kicks him out intermittently for the various atrocities he commits.
Mostly, he cares little for the welfare of his children unless it benefits him directly, but can display care and concern for them in varying circumstances.
Eventually his liver fails as the result of his chronic alcoholism.
He scouts his daughter Samantha for a liver transplant, whom he’s never met before, but she is not a match, and he needs $150k to perform the operation.
Sammi and Sheila buy an operation from an unlicensed Bangladeshi surgeon, who is actually a cab driver. He and a few paid actors perform a song and dance, put Frank under, steal his kidney, and $26k in cash.
Miraculously, Frank survives, is bumped on the donor list, and is supplied a replacement liver. Sheila marries him while incapacitated on his death bed, in order to legally adopt five Native American children.
The adoption doesn’t pan out. Frank starts a ‘secret project’ brewing 10x strength beer in Sheila’s basement.
Frank’s beer project blows up Sheila’s house and she leaves, making him a transient once again.
During one of Frank’s many trips to the hospital, he is treated by doctor Bianca Samson. She tells him she has advanced pancreatic cancer and she needs a drink. They end up on vacation in Costa Rica.
With a terminal condition, Bianca walks naked into the ocean and passes.
Frank mourns Bianca with more booze. The Gallagher house is sold, but Carl buys it back with drug money. Frank is thrown off of a bridge by his entire family.
“Nobody’s saying our neighborhood is the Garden of Eden. Hell, some people say God avoids this place altogether, but it’s been a good home to us– to me and my kids, who I’m proud of, ’cause every single one of them reminds me a little bit of me.” — Frank Gallagher
“Fiona, my rock, huge help. Has all the best qualities of her mother, except she’s not a raging psycho bitch.” — Frank Gallagher
“Lip, smart as a whip. Straight A’s and the honor roll. Boy’s definitely going somewhere.” — Frank Gallagher
“Ian, industrious, conscientious, ambitious, incredible work ethic. Don’t have a clue where he got that from. Wants to be a paratrooper. Knows how to disembowl an enemy with a roll of dimes and an old gym sock.” — Frank Gallagher
“Ah, Debbie. Sent by God, total angel. Raises money for UNICEF year-round, some of which she actually turns in.” — Frank Gallagher
And me, Frank Gallagher, father, teacher, mentor, captain of our little ship. — Frank Gallagher
We may not have much, but all of us, to a man, knows the most important thing in this life– we know how to fucking party! — Frank Gallagher
Kevin, did you miss me, dear? A beer and a bump. — Frank Gallagher
“You see? That’s the problem with working. Too much instability, stress.” — Frank Gallagher
“Who’s been eating my porridge?” — Frank Gallagher
“Yeah, but if i had tits, I would double the money.” — Frank Gallagher
What are you? A tough guy, Steve? You think you’re a fucking tough guy? — Frank Gallagher
A large boilermaker. And keep ’em comin’. — Frank Gallagher
“Sheils made it.” — Frank Gallagher
You know what? I have a second chance at life. I’m not gonna surround myself with negative energy. — Frank Gallagher
We’re all the descendants of barbarians. And the sooner we face it, the sooner we’ll have a civilization worth celebrating. — Frank Gallagher
“It’s the credit card companies you should blame. I didn’t cause the downfall of the American economy. The president said spend. I spent.” — Frank Gallagher
“No, no. Have mercy on me. I can’t handle anything up my ass without alcohol.” — Frank Gallagher
Gave up the booze. Not feeling too good. — Frank Gallagher
First pub crawl I did was when I was 16. Hit 22 pubs before I hurled. Got right back on the horse. Hit ten more. Hurled again. That’s how I got the nickname ‘Boot and Rally.’ — Frank Gallagher
“I’m a grower, not a shower. But trust me, when it’s time to show, I grow.” — Frank Gallagher
Frankie’s got some moolah comin’ his way. — Frank Gallagher
“She’s like mouth herpes. The gift that keeps on giving.” — Frank Gallagher
“Kids.” — Frank Gallagher
We are warriors battling against the dark forces of our primal nature. Knights taking up arms against our animalistic impulses in a debauched culture. Doing battle everyday, gentlemen. Every single day! — Frank Gallagher
“No. I couldn’t take advantage.” — Frank Gallagher
Making a little easy summer moolah the Gallagher way. — Frank Gallagher
“Not with all the king’s vaseline. That won’t fit.” — Frank Gallagher
“I’ll wear a bag over my head.” — Frank Gallagher
Maker’s. — Frank Gallagher
“You got it, babe.” — Frank Gallagher
“I’m trying to tell you it’s dangerous out there, Sheils.” — Frank Gallagher
You give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. You teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime. — Frank Gallagher
“I brought the barbecue to you, my one and only girl.” — Frank Gallagher
And just for the record many great men have been well lubricated. Henry Ford. Scott Fitzgerald. David Hasselhoff. They all kept a bottle close. Beethoven’s Fifth. Coincidence? I don’t think so. — Frank Gallagher
“Well, there’s free food, and booze. Mom won’t miss that.” — Frank Gallagher
“Because she would slaughter me and feast on my flesh.” — Frank Gallagher
“Fuck me.” — Frank Gallagher
The best for the best. — Frank Gallagher
As you were, sailors. — Frank Gallagher
“Jack Daniels and orange juice mix better than I would’ve imagined.” — Frank Gallagher
“Choose a gender, and find someone to fuck. Preferably, for free.” — Frank Gallagher
“She’s your mother, Fi. You only get one.” — Frank Gallagher
“Your son’s a real prick.” — Frank Gallagher
“My mother. Even dead she’s a pain in the ass.” — Frank Gallagher
“For his shitty coke? It’s like Drano up your nose.” — Frank Gallagher
You talk to your father that way? — Frank Gallagher
Cops. And their fucking quotas, why do you think? — Frank Gallagher
Life is rife with questions that baffle. All we can do is carry on. — Frank Gallagher
“I underestimated you, Jody. In a bar full of depraved people, you are the grand-poobah of depravity.” — Frank Gallagher
“Not gonna happen overnight, Sheila.” — Frank Gallagher
Don’t let your emotions completely obscure the barbaric roots of the sexual act. Don’t lose touch with the seeds of our animal nature. — Frank Gallagher
“You can have that with Sheila and give her what she needs.” — Frank Gallagher
“She wants to be sensitive to your recovery, but she has needs.” — Frank Gallagher
“You see, Frank Gallagher knows people. I-I just intuit. I was, uh– I was a psychology major for a semester.” — Frank Gallagher
I am whatever I need to be at the time I need to be it. Christ, write that down. — Frank Gallagher
Now, the human genitalia, to me, is like a homing device– God’s compass. Huh? And each of us has it, and it guides us to our destined homes. Now, our devices don’t work if we try to point ’em in a direction that they don’t want to go in. Because let people chow down on the nether region of their choice– male, female, consenting animal. — Frank Gallagher
“Amenities need to be amended. These mini-bottles are a little too mini. I need to get some of the big boys up here.” — Frank Gallagher
“God gave you the race card for a reason, Julius. Play it.” — Frank Gallagher
A parent’s plight never goes away, no matter how old your kid gets. — Frank Gallagher
“Need any words of fatherly advice?” — Frank Gallagher
Good for you. You’re just like me. We march to the beat of a different drummer. Everyone will try to cage you in, tell you you have to worry about your future. You know what your future should be? This– living life to the fullest, every day like it’s your last. — Frank Gallagher
“Alcohol provides clarity.” — Frank Gallagher
“Three raw eggs, Worcestershire, and a sliver of ginger. Works every time.” — Frank Gallagher
“Tragedy makes kids tough, Fiona.” — Frank Gallagher
“That kid can take a beating. Tough as a two-dollar steak.” — Frank Gallagher
Take me to the Alibi. — Frank Gallagher
“Does that have a Dr. Frankenstein list of side effects, too?” — Frank Gallagher
What about a little something to take the edge off? What about pain meds? — Frank Gallagher
“Well, what’s the point of getting a new liver if the damn thing won’t do what it’s designed to do?” — Frank Gallagher
Look at that. A new day. And I’m still alive. Life is good. — Frank Gallagher
“I never black out for a whole day unless I’m smoking crack.” — Frank Gallagher
And taking prescription medications while drinking and then smoking pot and then smoking crack can lead to questionable decisions. — Frank Gallagher
“Morning drinker? A woman after my own heart. What’s the occasion?” — Frank Gallagher
“I have a home. Intermittently. Who the hell are you?” — Frank Gallagher
“That’s the Irish way. We can’t help thousands of years of inebriated evolution.” — Frank Gallagher
Beerkeep, my daily. — Frank Gallagher
“We’re human. We make mistakes. Have faults.” — Frank Gallagher
“It takes a dope-fiend to know a dope-fiend and you are world class my friend.” — Frank Gallagher
Fiona Gallagher is the de-facto mother of the Gallagher household. She serves all the rotary functions of a mother, and goes to great lengths to do so.
Fiona starts a relationship with grand theft auto specialist ‘Steve’ who’s actual name is Jimmy Lishman.
Jimmy is forced to leave town by his romantic rival, a cop Tony Markovich. Fiona thinks he just left without saying a word, and let her down, just like every other guy she’s ever met in her entire life.
Carl’s school calls social services on Fi-Fi.
The Department of Family Services hauls the ‘youngans away, Fiona has to show up in court and plead her case, which she does and is given custody back.
Fifi gets her G.E.D. and a white-collar job working phone sales for a cup manufacturing company. She starts dating her boss Mike Pratt but seduces her brother Robbie and sabotages the relationship, and subsequently, the job.
Liam snorts cocaine at a party at the Gallagher ancestral household and Fiona eats charges of, possession of a controlled substance and child endangerment.
She violates probation and spends a short stint in a correctional facility.
Fiona marries local musician Gus Pfender. This goes south and she takes up with her boss, owner of local diner Patsy’s Pies, and recovering addict, Sean Pierce.
This relationship also goes south at their wedding ceremony, which is sabotaged by Frank, who exposes and calls Sean out on his persisting addiction to heroin.
“7:15, monkeys. Come on.” — Fiona Gallagher
“No. You’ve got a Happy Meal on the front of that shirt.” — Fiona Gallagher
“Who’s got the phone? Any minutes left?” — Fiona Gallagher
“How much are we short?” — Fiona Gallagher
“You can just ignore him.” — Fiona Gallagher
“Hey, don’t worry Debs. We’re gonna find him, all right?” — Fiona Gallagher
Oh, leave him alone. He’s a nice guy. — Fiona Gallagher
I hope I’m not fucking up the kids. — Fiona Gallagher
“I know they borrow your shit all the time. I know it’s lame. Thanks.” — Fiona Gallagher
Okay, now listen up. We are going to stand united and show them that we are a family that is thriving. You got it? Let’s go. — Fiona Gallagher
“Which part? The part where my mom splits? Or the part where my dad is a raging alcoholic narcissist?” — Fiona Gallagher
“I’m hanging by a thread.” — Fiona Gallagher
“You knew he was going to go back to his regular shitty self.” — Fiona Gallagher
“Hi baby bottoms. Did you have sweet dreams?” — Fiona Gallagher
“You’re still on my shit list.” — Fiona Gallagher
Life’s messy. People have secrets. But I don’t want you worrying about this kind of stuff, okay? — Fiona Gallagher
“It’s not your fault. Get some sleep, okay?” — Fiona Gallagher
I’m not into liars. — Fiona Gallagher
“Oh, it’s okay for guys to play the field but not me?” — Fiona Gallagher
“I’d just end up selling it for food and toilet paper.” — Fiona Gallagher
Human nature. Given the choice, people usually do the wrong thing. — Fiona Gallagher
Why am I always the one compromising? — Fiona Gallagher
“He’ll be fine once he comes home.” — Fiona Gallagher
“Jimmy. He’s Jimmy now. Steve was just an alias he used to lie to me about who he really was.” — Fiona Gallagher
I want you home, Lip. We all do. — Fiona Gallagher
“Are you gonna leave? Everybody always leaves.” — Fiona Gallagher
“When I was nine he was gone for a year. He always comes back.” — Fiona Gallagher
The world’s messed up. So much ugly shit happens. — Fiona Gallagher
“Be happy you have a real dad. Not some thieving alcoholic deadbeat who’s puking into the silverware drawer.” — Fiona Gallagher
“I didn’t find Frank ’till a couple days later. First thing he asked me, how much money I had on me.” — Fiona Gallagher
My mother’s bipolar. And my father’s an alcoholic and an addict. He takes what he pleases and he offers nothing. No money, no support. I’ve done what I could to help raise my siblings. I wish I could have done more. I’m not asking for your pity, or your admiration. I just want to be able to give these kids everything that they deserve, because they’re great kids and they deserve better. — Fiona Gallagher
I just want to bring ’em home. — Fiona Gallagher
“No, it’s not a ‘whatever.’ First Gallagher kid getting his diploma, it’s a big deal.” — Fiona Gallagher
“He’s getting it fair and square and setting a good example for both of you, so pay attention.” — Fiona Gallagher
“You’ll have to excuse him, okay? Puberty has turned him into a barbarian.” — Fiona Gallagher
Family chaos is my status quo. — Fiona Gallagher
“I can get a little wild.” — Fiona Gallagher
“I don’t want to be another Frank or Monica.” — Fiona Gallagher
“I’m not fishing for a pep talk I just… I don’t know who I am anymore. I mean, since clearly I’m not the big sister taking care of everyone.” — Fiona Gallagher
Yeah, I’m a real fixer-upper. — Fiona Gallagher
“You better not be selling drugs again, Carl.” — Fiona Gallagher
“No way I’m taking Carl’s cartel money.” — Fiona Gallagher
“This is my wedding day. Please don’t fuck it up.” — Fiona Gallagher
Phillip Ronan Gallagher also known as Lip sells original essays for a fee, he’ll take your SAT or ACT, and tutors on the side to help the family stay afloat. His neighbor and girlfriend Karen Jackson helps procure clientele.
Lip and neighbor Kevin Ball open up an ice cream truck that they sell tobacco, joints, and brews out of.
Despite pristine academics Lip is expelled from his high-school after throwing a chair through a window and verbally accosting several students and teachers. Regardless of this incident Lip gets his diploma with a 4.6 GPA.
He ends up at the University of Chicago with a desire to pursue admission into the aerospace engineering program. He has a passion for robotics.
Lip runs into an on-campus alcohol violation and ends up in the drunk tank. Subsequently a booze induced tirade, and swing at a campus cop gets him expelled. His friend Professor Youens drives him to a rehabilitation facility.
“Oh, I’m tutoring after school. I should be able to kick in like ten more.” — Phillip Gallagher
“That’s right, and get a real job, not just dipping into the collection plate at St. Tim’s.” — Phillip Gallagher
Uh, I got a calculus test. — Phillip Gallagher
“Uh, hi. I’m here to help Karen study for her midterm.” — Phillip Gallagher
“Yeah, yeah. Have you done Newton’s first? I’ve got a great one for that.” — Phillip Gallagher
“Name a single time I’ve let you down.” — Phillip Gallagher
“I mean the whole point of the digestive system is one way traffic.” — Phillip Gallagher
“How about you just show up at this wedding, do what you do best: drink free booze and look happy? Yes?” — Phillip Gallagher
The wording is ambiguous. — Phillip Gallagher
“So, you’re relying on a nine year old to deliver proper correspondence?” — Phillip Gallagher
“Yeah, well. Drunk or sober you’re still an asshole.” — Phillip Gallagher
“That’s a nice outfit what is that, pirate wench?” — Phillip Gallagher
Quick study. — Phillip Gallagher
I read a lot. — Phillip Gallagher
“I believe the answer to that question, like the answer to most questions, is fuck you.” — Phillip Gallagher
“It’s a noble endeavor I fully endorse.” — Phillip Gallagher
“I’m not on fucking retainer.” — Phillip Gallagher
“The only way to make money when you’re poor is to steal it or scam it.” — Phillip Gallagher
Because I’d like to hang out with C-3PO in my lifetime. And at the rate you’re going that shit’s not gonna happen. — Phillip Gallagher
“I don’t want to sit in a lecture that teaches me how to modify algorithms instead of think for myself.” — Phillip Gallagher
You’re just modifying algorithms. — Phillip Gallagher
“That dude’s a bad ass. You know he’s fluent in over 6 million forms of communication?” — Phillip Gallagher
“Oh, I prefer carcinogens to endorphins.” — Phillip Gallagher
“Neighborhood’s gotta stick together.” — Phillip Gallagher
“I got bored. It was costing a fortune anyways.” — Phillip Gallagher
Deborah Gallagher has memorized her fathers signature and provides it for all the siblings, because he’s never around to do so.
Deb, Liam, Lip, and Ian are confiscated by child protective services, but the situation is rectified. Debs sparks an interest in boys and pursues Matty Baker, a 20 year old.
She sexually assaults Matty during a party while he’s incapacitated. While receiving shit for this transgression Debs meets a new boyfriend Derek, who gets her preggers.
Debs’ close friends Holly and Ellie abandon her seemingly for no reason and even start antagonizing her.
Debbie decides to keep her baby, and Derek decides to skip town.
Debbie gives birth to a baby girl on the Gallagher kitchen table. She names her Frances, after her beloved father.
You’re almost nine. You’re gonna have to start pulling your weight. — Debbie Gallagher
“I never said it was my birthday. I said I wished it was.” — Debbie Gallagher
“We can get an extra $2,000 a month if we say Carl’s retarded.” — Debbie Gallagher
What’s a shit-sack? — Debbie Gallagher
“We got high on sugar because daddy quit drinking.” — Debbie Gallagher
Fiona takes care of everyone but no one takes care of Fiona. She wouldn’t do anything. Too proud. So we have to. — Debbie Gallagher
“No reason. I’m just checking in.” — Debbie Gallagher
“I understand that you lied to my sister. Why?” — Debbie Gallagher
“Love is fleeting, Jimmy. What are your intentions? You’re distracting her, and I need her in the game for at least a few more years. I can’t have you breaking her heart, or running off with her. So if you’re serious about sticking around, back off now.” — Debbie Gallagher
I’m a girl. I’m gonna be a woman soon. I need privacy to undergo the upcoming traumatic transformation. — Debbie Gallagher
“Dead people poop themselves.” — Debbie Gallagher
“You really shouldn’t sleep in your make-up, you know.” — Debbie Gallagher
“It’s just boys crashing into one another. With pads. And rules.” — Debbie Gallagher
“A little heavy on the botox and Chanel No. 5 but, nice.” — Debbie Gallagher
“Um, no. Although I know many people who have had relations with same sex individuals. I believe all people should have the right to love whomever they choose. And even though civil unions are legal in Illinois, it isn’t enough. Change is possible. It starts with us and–.” — Debbie Gallagher
I didn’t wanna go anyway. All anyone ever does is try to copy off me. But no one wants to sit with me at lunch. Everybody’s mean. Middle-school’s stupid. Mean girls suck. — Debbie Gallagher
“Oh, so it’s fine for me to be an adult when it comes to saving this family from losing this house by falsely accusing a relative of molesting me. But when I want to know where we’re gonna be living for the next year, then I’m just supposed to be a kid and keep my mouth shut, right?” — Debbie Gallagher
I haven’t abused marijuana like the rest of you so yes, I remember. — Debbie Gallagher
“Does this make you, ‘cray?'” — Debbie Gallagher
Because I know I’m going to be a great a mom. — Debbie Gallagher
“Trying to set a good example, for Franny.” — Debbie Gallagher