Netflix, Orange is the New Black

Locked Up

Netflix original prison comedy Orange Is The New Black drops its fifth season this Friday.

#OITNB season 6 has not officially been greenlit.

rottentomatoes: 95%

metacritic: 79

imdb: 8.6

emmys: 4 wins


Netflix, Orange is the New Black

Tasha Jefferson, Orange Is The New Black, Netflix, Danielle Brooks

Tasha Jefferson, Orange Is The New Black, Netflix, Danielle Brooks“Mmm-hmm.  I’ll wait.  There best best be some hot water left.  Mmm-hmm.  Man, hurry!  Damn, you got some nice titties.  You got them TV titties.  They stand up on they own all perky and everything.  you know they sell flip-flops at the commissary.  You creative, I give you that, high-tits.  Now get the fuck out of the way.” — Tasha Jefferson

“White girl said somethin’ nasty about Red’s food, then Red sent her a message ’cause white girl better recognize.  Egg McTampon.  Rare.  So now nobody’s givin’ her nothin’ to eat.  Not until Red say so.  This ain’t gonna get Red in trouble, right?  ‘Cause I ain’t no snitch.  Hold up.  Where my candy?” — Tasha Jefferson

“Oh, it’s my treat I’m savin’.  Just leave it.  It ain’t just ice cream.  It’s a king cone.  Get off me, girl!  Get this bitch off me!  B fucking took my hair out.  King cone.” — Tasha Jefferson

“Uh-uh.  I paid you seven bottles of Pantene for this shit.  How much to fix it?  J. Crew’s is around the corner.  Hold up.  I got an idea.  But you ain’t gonna like it.” — Tasha Jefferson

“Got that new ‘do, boo.” — Tasha Jefferson

“Word is she killed someone.  That’s why she doin’ so much time.  You should be.  I hear when she was down the hill she threw a pot of boiling water in her bunkie’s face.  Burned her eyelids off.  She be looking like Beetlejuice and shit.  Nah, for reals.  No one’s ever seen her use the stalls!  That’s the truth.  She don’t poop.  She probably got a voodoo spell stopping up her butt.” — Tasha Jefferson

“Wait, shortie… you want a book to read, or a step stool?  ‘Cause I tell you right now, you ain’t steppin’ on the Goblet of Fire.  Don’t be fucking with’ Harry Potter.  Now, you could step on Ulysses.  Everyone says it’s so genius, but I call it bullshit.  No one wants to go through all that ramblin’.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.” — Tasha Jefferson

“‘The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows it’s a very mean place, so you wind up in prison and everybody’s up in your face, I don’t care how tough you are, the world will beat you to your knees, you lay down with dogs, you wake up with fleas, nobody’s gonna hit you harder than life not a guard, not a gangster, not even your wife.  Mercy, you gettin’ out, so there’s no need to sit around and pout we gonna open up a booth, so you can sit and mourn for your lost youth.’  I hope you enjoyed my original piece.  It was a ‘Taystee’ delight.  Thank you, and I bid you all… a good night.” — Tasha Jefferson

“Maybe, but I made it rhyme.” — Tasha Jefferson

“Mercy’s leaving.” — Tasha Jefferson

“So there I am, topless… …sitting on this bulldozer, like, in a construction site.  So I’m sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties, and I’m like, ‘What the fuck?  Again?’  And then I look down… and I see… there’s this dude down on the ground with his head by, like, the tire.  And then I look close and I recognize it’s the bum from the night before that was hollerin’ at me outside of Pizzeria Uno.  And when I look closer… I see the dude is wearing my shirt and he’s got barbecue sauce all over his face and he’s… he’s dead.  And that’s when I knew it was time to make a change.  Thank you.” — Tasha Jefferson

“You said five minutes.  Man, I doubt you even got a company.  You all talk.  Hey!  Get off, man!” — Tasha Jefferson

“Well… we tried.  You were there.  Don’t be gettin’ all Amistad on me, Chapman.  Healy look like he gunning for change?  Everyone say shit to get elected.  You ain’t actually gotta do it.  That’s politics.  I got a disciplinary board hearing this week, which, if they don’t take away my good time, I go home.  Healy said he would write a letter vouching for me.  I ain’t looking to make waves.  Glassy water.  Smooth sailin’ right on out of here.  Just take the donuts, girl.” — Tasha Jefferson

“Not really.  What they don’t tell you when you get out?  They gonna be up your ass like the KGB.  Curfew every night, piss in a cup whenever they say… you gotta do three job interviews in a week for jobs you never gonna get.  Probation officer callin’ every minute, checkin’ up.  Man, at least in jail you get dinner.  Ow, man!  What the fuck?  It ain’t like that, P.  Minimum wage is some kind joke.  I got part-time workin’ at Pizza Hut, and I still owe the prison $900 in fees I gotta pay back.  I ain’t got no place to stay.  I was sleepin’ on the floor in my second cousin apartment like a dog… One of the bitches stole my check.  I got lice.  Everyone I know is poor, in jail, or gone.  Don’t nobody ask how my day went.  Man, I got fucked up in the head, you know?  I know how to play it here.  Where to be… and what rules to follow.  I got a bed.  And I got you.  I didn’t mean to let you down.” — Tasha Jefferson

“What in the hell is wrong with you?  I’m so tired of this shit.  It was a dream, crazy pants.  You were dreaming.  Sit your ass down.” — Tasha Jefferson

Lorna Morello, Orange Is The New Black, Netflix, Yael Stone

Lorna Morello, Orange Is The New Black, Netflix, Yael Stone“That it?  First time down?  Oh, no, your first time in prison?  It’s not so bad.  Everyone’s okay.  You’ve gotta watch out for the stealing.  So, what’s your name?  Your last name.  Everyone uses last names here.  I’m Morello and that is Watson.  And how much time you got, Chapman?  Oh, that’s not so bad.  I got 34, but I’m hoping with good time it’ll be less.  Well, who else is gonna do it?  We do everything around here.” — Lorna Morello

“Hey, can I ask you something?  You look like you’d know.  All right, which dress you like better?  My top two faves are the ones with the half-and-half lids stuck to the pages.  See, I want something that’s gonna express my personality.  And the trick is, I wanna show off the boobs and the ass, but I’m not so happy with the upper arms and the stomach, so there’s the challenge.  That’s all you gotta say?  I gotta look good.  My first dance is gonna go on youtube.” — Lorna Morello

“Hello, miss Claudette.  Watch out for that one.  Don’t get me wrong, she’s a good lady… but you don’t wanna get on her bad side.  Go ahead.  Go.  Okay, I’m gonna send you all through to processing, you’ll get your room assignments, and I’ll meet you back here and show you your bunks.  Okay?  Don’t look so bummed.  Gonna get the wrinkles.” — Lorna Morello

“Rooms up there.  Dorms are down there.  Now, you are not allowed down there.  It’s out of bounds for you guys until you get assigned there.  You understand?  Namaste, Jones!  She teaches yoga if you ever want, and she’s good.  She’s very spiritual.  All right, we got some offices here.  This is the dining hall, common room, counselor’s office.  Who you got for a counselor?  Okay.  Yeah.  Nah, it’s fine.  It’s fine.  He does his paperwork.  That’s a good thing.  I don’t know.  Maybe tomorrow after breakfast.  You go down, you speak to the lady… Friend of yours?” — Lorna Morello

“All right, Chapman, Diaz, this is you.  Uh, DeMarco, this is Chapman.  She’s new.  Self-surrender.  You show her what’s what?  Okay, Mendoza, this is Diaz.  Go, go.  She’ll help you.  Here.  Here’s some tissues.  First night’s always hard.  And a toothbrush.  They don’t give you one.  Aw!  No, no.  It’s no problem.  We look out for our own.  Oh, don’t get all PC on me.  It’s tribal, not racist.  I’ll see you around.” — Lorna Morello

“Oh.  Oh!  What did you do?  Oh, jeez.  I don’t think you’re gonna be eating for a while.  You gotta figure out how to make things right with Red.  Orientation starts in 10 minutes.  Hey!  Hey, hey, don’t forget, you gotta bus your tray.  Was she really in the shower this morning?” — Lorna Morello

“Come sit with us.  Not with crazy eyes.  We should have warned you about Red.” — Lorna Morello

“They said to give you this.  Your back cream?  She said it burned, it made her smell like a Puerto Rican, but you’re good now.” — Lorna Morello

“One of us.  One of us.  Gooble gobble.  Gooble gobble.” — Lorna Morello

“Nichols, we gotta stop.  No, no, no.  No more.  I’m engaged.  No!  No, it’s not fair to Christopher.  And… and I need to start tightening up.  You’re making me feel like a cave.  Yeah, sometimes I feel like you’re trying to climb inside my womb.  Well… I don’t want to do it anymore.  This was the last time.  That’s not very classy.  Shit!  I thought you said the service wasn’t for another half hour.” — Lorna Morello

“You saw a chicken?  Like, a real live chicken in the flesh?  You need to talk to Red.  You just need to talk to her.” — Lorna Morello

“American bald eagle?  They say she lived on a farm near here.” — Lorna Morello

Aleida Diaz, Orange Is The New Black, Netflix, Elizabeth Rodriguez

Aleida Diaz, Orange Is The New Black, Netflix, Elizabeth Rodriguez“Oh, from here on out, this place will hit you for me.  Since when do you hate that?  No.  Well, not in your size.  And don’t be in such a rush to get out of that orange, sabes?  Once you’re in these, you’re old news.” — Aleida Diaz

“Nobody else can do them right.  Besides, we’re family.  We fight, but we do shit with each other.  You can keep score.  Here.  Go find Gloria, see if she’ll trade with you.  If not, I’ll pull some threads from my jacket.” — Aleida Diaz

“Aah!  Sucio!  Get your caqui fingers off me.  Dios mio!  You trying to hit your sister?  The barbie Cesar bought you?  You think barbies grow on trees?  You think toilets grow on trees?  Huh?  What grows on trees?  That’s right!  You need to look after them better.  I got better things to do.  Get them a pizza if they’re hungry.  I’m eating oysters, bitches.” — Aleida Diaz

“Twenty.  You got that?  What’s the score?  Red’s looking for the chicken again.  There’s no chicken.  That’s a fairy tale.  Are you kidding me?  You have to be fucking kidding me?  You too?  Ain’t you going, too?   No… you’d rather sit and scribble love notes.  Don’t play dumb, I know what you’re doing.  I seen you leave a kite and I know who for.  I’m telling you, you’re wasting your time with that one.  Not that you’re not pretty.  I don’t mean it like that.  It’s just… you gonna fuck a guard, fuck a fat one.  That way they’re more appreciative.  Let you sneak in cigarettes.  Maybe bring you McDonald’s.  That’s how you need to start thinking.  I’m trying to look our for you.  But you fuck ’em.  So what do you fuck ’em for?  Love?” — Aleida Diaz

“What are you doing in here?  Get out.” — Aleida Diaz

“What are you talking about Cesar can’t make it?  I take a fall for that motherfucker, the least he can do is visit.  Is he paying rent?  Is he buying groceries?  Why?  Is he bringing girls home?  Answer the question.  Is he fucking around?  Are you fucking him?  What?  Where’s your stupid paper airplane?  Well, then why do I care?  You want to show me something?  You can’t show me something I can’t see!  What are you, stupid?  You tell that motherfucker he better visit.  He owes me.” — Aleida Diaz

“You think I’m gonna let you ice my grandbaby?  Pfft.  It’s a wolf.  Daya, I made mistakes, okay?  I didn’t have nobody teaching me what to do.  Maybe I’m not the mother of the year…  But at least I put something into this world that could still be good.  I made something.  I fucked up my own life… but Eva, Lucy and Christina, Emiliano… even you could still be something.  Babies give you hope.” — Aleida Diaz

Sam Healy, Netflix, Orange Is The New Black, Michael HarneySam Healy

“What’s PoPi?  Barneys?  It’s a pretty big case.  Criminal conspiracy.  What’s the statute of limitations on that?  That’s tough.  What did your lawyer say?  And here you are.  Costing the tax payers money and sweating in my arm chair.  You know, I’ve been here for 22 years, and I still can’t figure out how the system works.  I got a crack dealer who is doing nine months, and then I have a lady who accidentally backed into a mailman who is doing four years.  I mean, the guy broke his collar bone, but come on.  I just don’t get it.  Are you gonna barf?  Tell me if you’re gonna barf.  Because there’s a can behind you.  I will be truly displeased if you barf anywhere but in that can.” — Sam Healy

“Miss Chapman, no one’s gonna mess with you here unless you let them.  This isn’t Oz.  Women fight with gossip and rumors.  They might peg you for rich and try to hit you up for commissary.  And there are lesbians.  They’re not gonna bother you.  They’ll try to be your friend, just stay away from them.  I want you to understand… you do not have to have lesbian sex.  Is he in here?  All the people in the PSI are cleared to visit.  He can come this weekend.  I’ll make sure the list is in the visiting room.  You just keep to yourself… and you’ll be fine.  And don’t make friends.  And remember… nothing goes on here that I don’t know about.” — Sam Healy

“Like this is the Radisson and you don’t like your room?  Why?  Why do you need to be moved?  Did someone try to engage with you… sexually.  Tell me what happened out there.  I’m sure you will.  You’re gonna be late for orientation.” — Sam Healy

“A message?  That’s… Thanks.  No.  Of course not.  I mean, probably not.  I haven’t decided yet.” — Sam Healy

“Jesus Christ!  We can talk about this later, Red.  We’re dealing with a very serious budget situation here.  The warden has been very clear about… spending this quarter.  I’ll see what I can do.” — Sam Healy

“You can’t just change people’s meds.  I got a line of golden girls complaining about blood pressure pills.  Half this prison’s on antidepressants.  You take away their Zoloft, they’re gonna go off the rails.  Monumentally bad.  Monumental pain in my ass.  I got a tranny camped out in my hallway yelling about her hormones!  She could be a major headache for us.” — Sam Healy

“The bottom line is that the prison can no longer provide high end hormones.  Okay, okay!  What do you want from me?  You can’t go to the clinic unless it’s an emergency.  Yeah, well, we don’t see it that way.  Was there something else?” — Sam Healy

“Chapman, I don’t wanna hear about the job thing.  I put you in electric cause there’s toxic mold in the GED room.  The education program has been suspended.  That’s life.  Deal with it.  Okay.  You wanted to thank me?  Are you okay, Chapman?  I hear there was a problem in your shop.  I hope you’re staying clear of trouble.  I’m sure they’ll find the culprit.” — Sam Healy

“Good.  We got a good list going here.  Some good ideas.  Now, the problem as I see it… …is that we have a budget situation.  Now, I can do my best… but it’s gonna be hard for me to do all these things and still be able to bring donuts to our meetings every month.  And coffee.” — Sam Healy

“Can we please speak English at the table?  Just at the table?  You look very pretty in that dress.” — Sam Healy

Dayanara Diaz, Netflix, Orange Is The New Black, Dascha PolancoDayanara Diaz

“When do we get outfits like everybody.  No.  It’s my mom.  Um, I don’t speak Spanish.” — Dayanara Diaz

“I have a question, actually.” — Dayanara Diaz

“Her daughter.  Who are you?  What’s the matter, you don’t wanna hit me again?” — Dayanara Diaz

“This… this orange thing… it’s like I glow in the dark.  The guard with the mustache keeps staring at me.  You got any extra khakis?” — Dayanara Diaz

“Can I have some gum?  I get it.  You can’t give special treatment.  Don’t you?” — Dayanara Diaz

“Everyone has stuff on their walls.  I did.  No, it’s okay.  I kind of messed it up.  My eyes are too small.” — Dayanara Diaz

“What?  That alarm scared me.  Menthols were my thing.  Newports.  Still jonesin’.  Can I try some?  You can trust me.  I’m not gonna tell anyone.  Where do you put it?  Like, underneath your tongue or… okay, just… that’s disgusting.  That’s horrible.  Thanks.  Sorry.  I didn’t like that.  Oh.  Wait, hold on.  Would you use it as a toothpick and… would you?  Just…” — Dayanara Diaz

“You don’t fucking talk to me, but you want me to thread your eyebrows?  You gonna let me play dominos?  You got some thread?  All right.  Trading corn.  What the fuck is ‘barter?’  Oh, come on.  Everybody trades… what do you want from me?  Yes, sir.  Damn, y’all saw that?  He fucking took my corn!” — Dayanara Diaz

“She flushed a barbie down the toilet!  How about you?  Whatever.” — Dayanara Diaz

“Oh.  Hold up.  Let me add it up.  No.  You followed me?  Is that how you really think?  I don’t fuck dudes for big macs.  Yeah.” — Dayanara Diaz

“Hi, baby!  Hello, my little angel.  How you doing?  Where’s your brother and sisters.  There’s food in the kitchen.  Why didn’t you– go ahead.  I’ll go.  Eva’s hungry.  I need to make her something to eat.  You can;t eat that.  It’s shaped like animals.  But it’s made for kids.  I’m just trying to look out for you, so people don’t think you’re a faggot.  You wanna wear superman undies and eat kids’ food, be my guest.  Maybe I should get you a propeller beanie and you can hang out on the corner.  Cesar, how much longer we have to do this here?” — Dayanara Diaz

“Yeah, but I don’t want him in the apartment.  No.  Because he… Hey, I have an idea, you want to ask how we’re doing?  I did answer the question.  You know we took a bus three hours to get here?  Please.  You’ve got to be kidding me.” — Dayanara Diaz

“You want me to end up like you?  I’m already in prison. All I need is five different baby daddies and an ass tattoo of a dog.  Oh, get away from me.  Oh, you think?” — Dayanara Diaz

“The pre-natal vitamins have all kinds of other stuff in them, anyway.  If you’re not gonna be concerned about the health of our child, and you don’t wanna figure this out, then you know what?  I’m done.” — Dayanara Diaz

Gloria Mendoza, Netflix, Orange Is The New Black, Selenis LeyvaGloria Mendoza

“Be with you in a sec.  Just gotta finish here.  Great.  Another fucking coconut.  What’s the matter with your mother, she don’t teach you Spanish?” — Gloria Mendoza

“Hey, blanca.  You speak Spanish?  You see… fucking white girl speaks Spanish.” — Gloria Mendoza

“Wow, blanca.  Okay, well how about this?  I’m innocent, I was set up.  How about that?  We should probably look at…  Food stamp fraud?  I mean, really, I was only feeding starving children.” — Gloria Mendoza

“And yet you decided to cook your noodles right in the middle of it all.  Baby… high school is high school.  And don’t be talking to me, white girl.” — Gloria Mendoza

“What’s going on over there?  That bitch is crazy.  Who gives a shit about a chicken?   You trying to sound deep?  Chickens?  I’m not stupid.  I’m just going to watch the stupid.” — Gloria Mendoza

“We’re no longer accommodating any bullshit allergy requests.  How you know La Rica?  Best salsa in New York.  I’ll take that as a compliment.  Welcome to prison.” — Gloria Mendoza

Maria Ruiz, Netflix, Orange Is The New Black, Jessica PimentelMaria Ruiz

“Check this shit out.” — Maria Ruiz

“You’re not allowed to put stuff on the walls.  Officer!  Tell her she gotta take that ugly shit down.  Oh, so you gonna allow that shit?  Fine.  Then I’m gonna put my pictures up of Kanye.” — Maria Ruiz

“I don’t have a cold.  I’m in labor.” — Maria Ruiz

“I’m gonna kill that motherfucker.  My boyfriend, and the nurse, too.” — Maria Ruiz

Poussey Washington, Netflix, Orange Is The New Black, Samira WileyPoussey Washington

“Gaga got some nice legs.” — Poussey Washington

“Yo, y’all got headphones for movie night?  That’s some bullshit.  I ain’t tryin’ to watch no silent movie.” — Poussey Washington

“Yo, girl, be careful messing with Miss Claudette.  That woman is no joke.  Yeah, I believe it, too.  You look in her eyes and know she seen some shit.” — Poussey Washington

“Yo, come on now.  Yo, the lady ain’t taken a visitor in 10 years ’cause she won’t do strip search.  And she ain’t dookied the whole time she been locked up.  No, I’m serious.  That’s some steel right there.” — Poussey Washington

“Yeah, me, too.  Yeah.  Shit, I wasn’t even in Jersey when that shit went down.” — Poussey Washington

“Yo, please, that ain’t yours!  You stole half that shit from Rocky VI.  True.” — Poussey Washington

“Man, why she ain’t in SHU?  Janae got sent to SHU just for talking.” — Poussey Washington

“Fuck are you?  Joan of Arc?” — Poussey Washington

“Yo, Spanish mamis got something going on.” — Poussey Washington

“You wanna talk about it?  Man, where do you think you at, Paris Hilton?  Yo, it’s bitches in here doing 15 years for lettin’ their boyfriends do deals in the kitchen ’cause they was afraid of getting beat if they said no.  And there’s bitches ain’t seen their kids since they was babies, and them kids got they own babies now, or they’re runnin’ around the street carryin’ guns and shit, no one watching over ’em.  Yo… I been in here two years… and I got four more.  Eight months ago when I was waxin’ fuckin’ floors in the cafeteria… my moms passed.  And I wasn’t there to say the shit you supposed to say to your mom before she gone.  So I now you ain’t tellin’ me in my face right now that you walked back in this place ’cause freedom was inconvenient for you?  I really missed you.” — Poussey Washington

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