Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited

Guinea Pig

BBC original comedy Fleabag season 2 was made available in North America on Amazon Prime May 17, 2019.

#Fleabag will reportedly conclude this season.

rottentomatoes: 100%

metacritic: 92

imdb: 8.4



Fleabag, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Phoebe Waller-BridgeFleabag, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Phoebe Waller-Bridge Fleabag, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Phoebe Waller-BridgeFleabag

‘Fleabag’ owns and operates a coffee shop outside of Dartmouth Park, northern London, England.


Fleabag, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Phoebe Waller-Bridge“No, thank you.  This is a love story.  You know when you’ve done everything?  When you’ve been all… squat!  Squat!  And… you’ve even… no.  No!  You’ve done everything.  And you feel… great.  You’re not even thinking about… you don’t even think about… and even though your sister still hates you… …you’re pretending to be friends because your dad is…  I’m joking.  He’s just there. And engaged.  To love.  Ugh.  Don’t know who this guy is.  Ugh.  Thank you.  Haven’t seen her since… except for… thank you.  Boots.  It’s lovely there this time of year.  Oh, God, he’s their priest.  Their cool, sweary priest.  Devastated.  Needy Waitress.  Uh, I-Ill have another tequila.  She’s commuting from Finland.  Something’s up.  I think she might be happy.  Don’t ask her… no one’s asked me a question in 45 minutes.  Uh, I run a café.  Yes.  It is.  It really is.  It actually is.  It is.  Sure.  Yeah.  are you a real priest?  Sounds like a riot.  No.  Creepy stepson.  That sounds lovely.  Oh, God.  Oh, God.  You mean… with them… mm.  Oh, that’s okay.  Oh, dad, the cafe’s going well.  I don’t… thanks.  Thanks.  Are we gonna have a fight?  No.  Well, because… I guess… it doesn’t matter.  I’m happy for you, dad.  Apple juice?  It fucking does.  What?  No, no, she’s a lawyer.  What do you want me to say?  Birthday present from dad.  Don’t know.  It’s a voucher for a counseling session.  Thanks, dad.  Maybe happiness isn’t in what you believe, but who you believe.  Claire?  You’ve been ages.  You pissed off, or are you doing a poo?  Claire, can we just… oh, no.  But, um, but I know a waitress who would jump on that request.  Do you want me to ask her?  Okay, well, there are some… sturdy hand towels here– I could try and fashion something with wings out of these.  Open the door?  Oh.  Whoa-hoa!  It’s a period, it’s not gonna bite me.  I’m not looking at your period.  Just take this.  Oh, God.  Jesus, Claire.  No, it’s not okay.  You need to go to a hospital.  L-let me just… Claire.  Okay, we need to go to a hospital now.  Now.  Yes.  Okay.  Okay.  Come on.  Okay.  Okay, let’s get the coats.  I’ll get a taxi.  Okay.  Okay.  I, um… oh, for fuck’s sake, stop it!  Yeah, I’m, um… uh… no, I’m sorry, I just… sorry, I just… something’s happened. I j… I just had a little… I just… I had a… …a little m-miscarriage.  Um… ’cause I’m stubborn, and for some inexplicable reason I’d rather stay here and have a passive-aggressive party, so… yeah, so do I.  What if it’s not gone?  I’ll pay you back.  No, I think I’ll just deal with this in my own insane, irrational, anal way, if that’s okay.  Ignore him.  He’s been drinking.  Ow!  No, thank you.  Fucking hell.  Thanks.  Yeah.  You okay?  Thank you.  Can you take us to the nearest hospital, please?  So hot.” — Fleabag

“Oh.  Peace be with you.  Yeah, you, too.  Thank you.  Peace be with you.  Peace be with you.  Peace be with you.  And also with you.  Amen.  ♪ Rooted, grafted ♪ Built on Thee. ♪ And also with you.  Hello.  This is lovely.  Oh, well, I keep trying, but they just won’t have me.  I’m sorry about your eye.  I just wanted to, uh, pay you back for dinner.  Thank you.  Honestly.  Because I… it’ll have to be in installments.  But I really… I just, I… okay.  Hi.” — Fleabag

“Jesus.  Great.  Oh.  Um… okay.  Oh, dear.  Oh, is that holy?  Shit.  Uh… okay.  Ah.  Oh.  Mm.  Um… well, it’s… okay.  Yeah.  Thanks.  So, you’re a cool priest, are you?  Yeah.  Oh, I’m a pretty normal person.  Yeah, a normal person.  Well, I don’t believe in God.  Likewise.  What?  Oh.  Yeah, thank you.  Thank you.  Yes.  I, uh… I’m… thank you.  Well, he’s… he doesn’t really… exist.  No.  Thank you very much, but I really am an atheist.  Oh.  New sermon?  Oh, what is it?  What?  Well, neither are we, so… oh, God, I fancy a priest.” — Fleabag

“Okay.  Thanks.  Hey.  No.  Well, it’s just successful, I guess.  Oh, it’s Chatty Wednesday.  If you buy something, you have to have a chat with someone you don’t know.  Loneliness pays.  Sure.  Have you had a checkup?  She hasn’t bought anything yet, Joe.  Does Martin know?  Well, you can tell the father.  Okay, well, what does he know?  I don’t want it.  They’re some pretty funky trainers.” — Fleabag

“Mm.  Um, I’d-I’d rather not talk about it, if that’s okay.  Um, you know, I’d rather not talk about it, if that’s okay.  Cool.  Mm-hmm.  Oh.  She can’t not talk about it.  A lie.  Thank you.  Is dad here?  I texted him, but… oh, so he is here?  I love that color.  That one.  Right.  Well, let’s hope we all get as much pleasure out of this one.  What?  It totally could, yeah.  Thank you.  Yeah, I really can help with the canapés if it’s… okay.  What?!  What?  Who’s the lawyer?  He has a high success rate, then?” — Fleabag

“That your husband’s an animal?  I’m not going to f… fucking hell.  Okay.  Hi.  Or?  Yes.  About… 30.  I can do that.  Yes, she… they’ve definitely fucked.  Actually, maybe not.  God, I can’t tell.  Oh, I’ve got it.  They haven’t.  But they’re going to.  Oh, God, I’ve got to get out.  Excuse me.  I’m just gonna let this, uh– yeah.  Yeah.  Just thought I’d leave you to it.  What?  What?  Outrageous.  I thought he was after you.  Either way, it’s very inappropriate.  I won’t.  I won’t!  I don’t do that anymore.  No.  Well, I… I… I just… well… well, not really.  No, it’s actually… so, well… sort of.  Knew it.  I know.  Listen, I actually just wanted to give you this.  It’s just one session, but you’ve been through a lot, so I just…” — Fleabag

“Sure.  Uh, it was a birthday present from my father.  No.  Oh, I don’t know if I can do that.  No.  Sure.  Um, I think because my mother died and he can’t talk about it, and my sister and I didn’t speak for a year because she thinks I tried to sleep with her husband, and because I spent most of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void inside my empty heart.  I’m good at this.  Although I don’t really do that anymore.  We get on with it.  God, no.  Sorry?  Um… no, I don’t really have time for… well, I have a guinea pig, but she blows hot and cold.  Not a joke.  All of it?  Oh, no, I just play tennis now.  Tough crowd.  Sorry.  I just… sex didn’t bring anything… …good, so I’m… I’m trying not to… but I’ve… well, I’m very horny, and you’re little scarf isn’t helping.  Oh.  Yeah, the… the impulse is… the impulse is v-very much still there.  It’s just never the right person.  No.  No, well, nothing’s happened.  I just… he’s not available.  Yes.  A bad one.  It’s the sort of relationship where one partner tells the other how to dress.  No.  Well, I… I lied.  I just… I don’t kn-know.  No.  I have friends.  Yeah.  Oh, they’re… they’re always there.  They’re… they’re always there.  Listen, I don’t need to be analyzed.  I have a nice life.  I just– I just wanted to exchange the voucher for the money.  I’ve only been here for five minutes.  I want the money.  I want to fuck a priest.  Yes.  Yes.  Mm, yes.  Can you fuck God?  Look, just-just please tell me how to not fuck a priest before I get arrested.  Can you just tell me what to do?  What?  So what’s the point in you?  No, I don’t.  I don’t.  I don’t.  I don’t!” — Fleabag

“Good luck.  Shut up.  Oh, my God.  Hi!  You’re… with child.  Cool.  Yeah.  Aw.  You always wanted a baby.  Oh, yeah?  Oh, really?  Was it a tricky one?  Sounds like you have postnatal depression.  Sure.  Well, we sort of used to… to be her girlfriend.  Yes.  Yeah.  Yes, I think so.  Yeah.  She, um, sh-she– don’t say it– she-she actually, uh– just-just don’t say it– she actually orgasmed when she finished it.  Just said it.  Apparently.  Arm touch.” — Fleabag

“I’m helping the priest.  It’s from River Island.  I got it last week.  I know what you’re doing.  I’m not gonna say it.  I’m not gonna say it.  Mm-mm.  Okay.  Oh.  I’m happy for you.  I’m happy you’ve found a way to deflect from your pitiful, self-sabotaging, ego-driven, masturbatory– I cannot believe how well this is coming out– pawing, insidious– insidious– overwhelming mediocrity, only to finally figure out that, at your very core, you are a… w-weaky.  Damn!  Damn.  Damn.  Creepy Jake.  Mainly says things like… and… oh, you were excellent.  Oh.  Hi, Jake.  Oh.  What?  He’s gonna kill someone one day.” — Fleabag

“Yes, Father.  Yes, Father?  Oh, God.  Oh.  Knuckle brush.  Oh, I… okay, it’s just I-I think I know what happens.” — Fleabag

“Quaker meeting.  You’re not allowed to speak.  If the Spirit moves you to speak, you have to stand up and share it with everyone.  It’s very intense.  It’s very quiet.  It’s very, very… erotic.  Oop.  What’s he thinking?  What’s he thinking?  I don’t really think it’s– I’m not really feeling the– it’s not anything that’s really affecting me– oh, my… oh, my God, oh, my God, oh my God.  What am I gonna say.  What am I gonna say?  What am I… I sometimes worry that I wouldn’t be such a feminist if I had bigger tits.” — Fleabag

“I just think I want someone to tell me… …how to live my life, Father, because so far I think I’ve been getting it wrong.  But I know that’s why people want people like you in their lives, because you just tell them how to do it.  You just tell them what to do, and what they’ll get out of the end of it, even though I don’t believe your bullshit.  And I know that scientifically nothing that I do makes any difference in the end.  Anyway, I’m still scared.  Why am I still scared?” — Fleabag



Claire, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Sian CliffordClaire

“Thank you.  To love.  Congratulations, dad.  Not for us, thanks.  Six months and counting.  We just… enjoy each other more this way.  Nice jumpsuit.  You look well.  Where have you been?  Oh, well, you both look gorgeous.  Is that fur?  Oh, lovely.  OH, yes.  I’ll have the same.  Oh, it’s not as exhausting as I thought it would be, actually.  It’s fine.  Rolling it up.  Rather than… yeah.  No, thank you.  Oh, so much more energy.  You know, in Finland… he’s an alcoholic.  Oh, great.  We thought it’d be easier if we did it together, and I don’t really like the taste, anyway.  What?  Why?  Oh, thanks, dad.  Oh, well, it’s, um… cold and beautiful and dark.  I have this amazing new partner out there.  He’s really pushed the company forward… well, fair enough.  We should wait.  Oh.  Is anyone in your family in the church?  Martin.  This sauce is disgusting.  Oh, it’s delicious, thank you! Yeah, it was lovely.  Thank you.  Through Jake.  The bassoon.  Oh, God.  Um… together or, um…?  Right.  Can’t you use photos?  Oh, well, we, um… we-we don’t get to see each other much.  Yes, yes, I completely agree.  Positive energy works.  In the last six months, I’ve excelled.  I take all the negative emotions and just bottle them and bury them, and they never come out.  I’ve basically never been better!  I feel fantastic.  Oh, I think it’s all about positivity.  It takes real commitment to be this happy.  It’s not just about eating and drinking well, either.  Putting pine nuts on your salad doesn’t make you a grownup.  It’s about… well, in-in Finland we, um… oh, they have this saying which I-I can’t quite remember now.  It’s, um… it’s about opening yourself up to the people who want to love you.  Oh, I work in finance.  Across two firms.  One in Finland and one here.  No.  I work with lawyers.  I’m not a lawyer.  I went to business school.  You’re being so quiet.  Why aren’t you saying anything?  Anything.  What’s that in your hand?  What is it?  I don’t believe you can pay your problems away.  I think you have to face who you are and suffer the consequences.  It’s the only road to happiness.  Fuck.  Excuse me.  Fuck.  Fuck it.  Have you got a… …sanitary towel?  No.  Fuck.  Yes, fine.  Just, fuck, just… fuck!  Give it to me!  Don’t come in!  Don’t look at it.  It’s not period, it’s a fucking miscarriage, okay?  It’s-it’s okay.  It’s fine.  I just need the… no!  Just get your hands off my miscarriage!  It’s mine.  It’s mine.  Okay.  It’s okay.  It’s okay.  Okay.  Okay.  It’s… it’s all good. Don’t tell anyone.  I’ll tell them I don’t feel right.  Thank you.  Fuck it, I’m having some.  Sorry, darling.  Oh, nothing.  I just, uh… just sit down.  Come on, it’s a party.  Sit down!  No, we just suddenly realized what a monumental fucking day this is!  Drink.  Yes!  Yeah, I’ve always wanted to go there.  Top of my list.  Nothing’s happened.  What the fuck?  She doesn’t want to go.  Oh, it was very early stages.  She is fine.  She’s absolutely fine.  Drink.  If it’s gone, it’s gone.  It’s gone.  What?  Oh, my God!  Hey!  Hey!  Just tell me where you live, and we’ll talk about this tomorrow.  The priest is quite hot.” — Claire

“Are you having an event?  What?  Why are there so many people here?  Why is everyone talking to each other?  What?  Listen, can we…?  I know you and I haven’t… yes.  It’s-it’s fine.  It’s really not a big deal.  It happens all the time.  No!  I’m-I’m not– this isn’t– I’m-I’m not part of this.  I shouldn’t have to– I don’t want to tell you that.  No.  Sorry.  No.  Tooting.  You’re not supposed to tell anyone for the first 12 weeks.  I just haven’t told him, okay?  I don’t want to talk about it.  Okay?  And I never want anyone to know about it.  You have it.  You’re better at dealing with awful things, anyway.  Well, you took it, and now everyone thinks you have it, so you have it.  What?  I said I’m fine.  I just really, really don’t want anyone to make a big deal out of this, okay?” — Claire

“Did you ever want them?  Um, I have a pretty full afternoon, so… no, Finland are coming here.  Mm.  Oh, yes, of course.  Yes.  Yes.  Oh, yes, he’s practicing.  Oh, God, and now I just have to… …organize canapés for an awards ceremony.  Great.  That was fun.  I’m gonna say this quickly.  Okay.  Martin wants to press charges against you for assault.  I’ve tried to talk him down, but to be fair, you did hit him fucking hard.  I will provide you with exceptional legal advice as long as you don’t tell anyone I’m providing you with exceptional legal advice.  This is happening.  I am mortified, but it is happening, okay?  I will hire this lawyer to scare him off, and I will hire you to do the canapés.  Oh, he’s a friend.  He mainly defends rapists.  Oh, undefeated.  Come on.” — Claire

“I’ve filled him in with the basics.  Be serious.  Just do whatever he says.  And don’t flirt with him.  David, thank you so much.  Oh.  Sorry.  No, that’s not what we discussed.  No.  And let’s not call him ‘the victim’ yet, shall we?  Yes.  Right.  We just want a letter to scare him off if he ends up seeking proper action.  I think it makes perfect sense.  I just want to be ahead of the game.  Is it?  You’re gonna have to tell me who said that.  David.  You all right?  Sorry.  He says he’ll only talk you through potential proceedings if you go for a drink with him.  I know.  Stop smiling.  Oh, so did I, but my hair isn’t great at the moment.  Don’t sleep with him.  Don’t.  What?  Why?  Are you ill?  Then what?  Oh, my God.  Have you met someone?  Back with Harry?  Someone new?  Is he single?  Take this.  I’ll try to talk Martin down, but call him if you need him.  He’s a very good lawyer.  Surprisingly… tender underneath it all.  What you did in the restaurant was unforgivable.  Thank you.  Okay.  Well, I’ll, um… come on.  I said I’m fine.  I’m weirdly fine.  I’d rather have the money.” — Claire


Godmother, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Olivia ColmanGodmother

“Here’s to love.  To love.  Oh, darling.  Oh, you’ll adore it.  I chose it.  Oh, thank you.  Yes, but it’s okay because it had a stroke.  I can’t go to hell for that can I, Father?  Love the Catholics.  You can get away with anything.  I didn’t realize that you were allowed out without your little doggy thing.  Course not.  Ah, no.  Sorry, we’ve already ordered wine.  You know, the most fascinating thing about Father here is that his mother was originally a lesbi… you do look tired.  Fabulous!  Really is delicious.  I admire you both so much.  Oh, Claire.  We thought you couldn’t have them.  Well, you just seem a little… and now you have the money to pay for proper help.  ghastly, without help, I imagine.  Tell us about Finland.  It’s a lot of pressure, but I love it.  I can’t remember the last time we went away.  Oh, yes, but that was just a little fortnight.  I was… oh, sorry, darling.  Thank you.  Um, they flew us over with the Sexhibition.  Sorry, darling, do you… no?  Okay.  You see, you think of the Japanese as a very prudish people.  But actually, they have a very deep interest in sex in their culture.  It’s just hidden in the underbelly.  It’s not allowed to come to the surface.  The honesty of the Sexhibition whereas the… the Americans, well, they just took me in their stride.  But the Japanese were deeply moved by my work, I think, weren’t they, darling?  It caused quite a cultural wave.  Mm.  Such a lovely man.  Did you have a cigarette?  I wish you could have seen him in his little… ah.  We were just saying, it’s fascinating, the notion of a calling.  Yeah.  Mm-hmm.  How unusual.  Are your parents successful?  Oh, darling.  Thank you.  Um… oh, I don’t… I don’t think that’s how we… oh!  do you know, I’ve always been so suspicious of religion, but I must say, I think there’s something rather chic about having a real priest at a wedding.  It’s so nice spending time getting to know the man who’s going to marry us.  What did he die of?  Do you know how we met?  He plays the flute.  In the church band.  Just adorable.  And Claire introduced us, and, we just hit it off, didn’t we?  Mm.  Oh, it’s just an old one, but… now, listen.  Um, we don’t want gifts at the wedding.  I mean, it’s enough that people slug it over without then expecting a gift, so we have decided to ask people to make a small donation to a charity of their choosing in our name.  Do you want to know what gift I’m giving your father?  It’s a portrait.  Of you girls.  I’d only need a couple of sittings.  No, because the lighting’s never good enough, and if you’re not very photogenic, then it does you no favors.  And besides, the only photos there are of you two together are of when you were children, and you looked like a boy, so… oh, God, how desperately sad.  Why is that?  Does he not approve of what you do, of your choices?  Is he… is he not in the church?  Oh, it must be so hard.  Is it ’cause he’s mummy’s favorite?  Oh.  A lot of people would say praying is just talking to yourself in the dark.  Us neither. I thought you were a lawyer.  It’s a good thing, Claire.  So thoughtful.  All my presents are bedroom presents, aren’t they?  No.  Oh, really?  Yeah, I can understand.  Wonderful place to buy thinks like that.  ‘Cause he insists on dressing like a gondolier.  Oh, good girl!  One night off.  We were just talking about Venice and this wonderful trip we had.  What’s happened?  Well, spit it out.  Now’s a good time to say it.  This is a safe space.  Come on.  Oh, my God.  How far gone were you?  Whose was it?  Was it the tooth man?  What about the bill?  Sit down.  How far gone were you?  Oh, it’s probably ectopic.  Awful.  Oh, for God’s sake!” — Godmother

“Brutal.  Just brutal.  You must feel rotten.  Do you feel rotten?  Of course, darling.  Come on up.  Claire, get the door, for God’s sake.  Did-did you know who the father was?  No, of course, darling.  Here.  Here.  I’ve got a setup I’m very excited about.  It’s going to be very striking.  So, Claire, if you just sit here.  That’s lovely, and, darling.  Just beside her.  Like that.  Lovely.  And actually, if you could just… that’s it.  That’s it.  Just a bit.  A bit more.  Bit more.  There.  Perfect.  Gorgeous.  Yes.  Sorry, no.  If you could just… that’s it.  Thank you, darling.  So, um… you know, I have six friends… …who’ve had miscarriages.  Five of them never managed to produce a child afterwards.  But the sixth one did, and rather regretted it.  So, I think you’ve probably done the right thing.” — Godmother

“Oh, I’m still thinking about it.  Oh, I saw that.  Sorry, no.  I’ve got his phone today.  Which one?  Oh, that’s three colors.  I’m getting rid of it.  But it was quite an adventure painting.  I had an orgasm as I finished it.  No, no.  Could you… oh, have you got to go back to Finland again?  Oh, that’s easier for you.  Are you still okay to pick up the invitations?  And did you find that ribbon thing for the flowers?  Great.  And is Martin’s nose on the mend?  And how’s the, uh, bassoon solo coming on?  Sorry, Claire, could you look up, please?  Thank you.  Oh, gosh, you must be excited.  Does the little cafe do canapés?  Well, there you are.  That’s one off the list.  Gosh, haven’t you got a lovely, thick neck.” — Godmother


The Priest, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Andrew ScottThe Priest

“Can I do anything?  They’ve gone.  So… may these be the worst of our days.  I’d love some wine.  Why would you do that?  No, not as long as you confess.  Then you have nothing to fucking worry about.  It’s an honor to be marrying you two.  Thank you.  Oh, sorry.  Have I disappointed you?  I’ll have a tequila.  Is there a reason that you’re not drinking?  Oh, fun!  My parents were alcoholics.  Yeah.  That’s wonderful.  Japan?  Wow.  Why were you in Japan?  So, what do you do?  Oh!  Oh.  Cool.  Fellow smoker.  Do you have a spare one?  So, so your family get together much or…?  Well, fuck you, then.  Oh, sorry.  Yeah, well, marriage is a calling, too, of course.  Oh, fuck, no.  Sorry.  Uh, no, no, no.  I came quite late to it, actually, but it’s been a really good life to me.  I’ve really found peace in it.  Actually, both my parents are lawyers, and my brother is a long-distance lorry driver.  They were very successful alcoholics, yeah.  Better than you, anyway.  No, but beyond them, um, my family literally crawling with nuns, so, it wasn’t too much of a… a leap.  Not as hard on them as trying to make a baby for five months, I imagine.  You can pour me some.  No.  This is my first ever wedding, actually!  Yeah.  No!  But I’m new to the… the parish, and, uh, I guess I’m just, um… I’m really… I’m really fucking lonely.  So… so I appreciate this.  Thank you very much.  Father Patrick sadly… died, so I got the gig.  Just… um… time.  But he was a dedicated man.  He was a brilliant priest.  He was… actually.  We did!  Yeah.  She’s donating a painting for the fete.  It’s gonna cause quite the stir.  You never told me you had a sister, Claire.  Oh, I don’t really speak to my brother.  Oh.  Um… well… no, no.  That’s okay.  No, no, no.  It’s not that.  It’s not that.  No, he’s not in the church.  Well, it’s mainly hard because… because he’s a pedophile.  I’m aware of the irony of that.  I guess it could look like that.  No, it’s just more just about connecting with yourself at the end of each day.  It takes a bit of effort, but it’s a positive way… yes.  Yeah, I’m not sure… you’re a very positive family, I must say.  What do you do?  I love presents.  I never get presents.  I’d kill for one of those.  A what?  You want some more wine?  Oh-ho!  What did you take in there?  Shall I get another bottle?  Are you okay?  What’s happened?  What?  No, I’ll cover her.  I’ll cover you.  I really think she should see a doctor.  Claire… do you need someone to go with you?  What’d you say?  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!  Can I do anything?  They’ve gone.  So… oh, hey, uh, I got… I got your stuff.  Are you okay?  Yeah, yeah.  If you ever need someone to talk to or, uh… I’ll be there.  I’m always there.” — The Priest

“Let us pray.  Our Father, Who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name.  thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.  Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.  Amen.  Please be seated.  Um… sorry, uh… uh, yes, today’s, um… uh, uh, today’s notices.  There’s a raffle, um, at tomorrow’s fete to raise funds for the, uh… uh, t… uh, excuse… I’m sorry.  The diocesan pilgrimage to Lourdes.  Uh, congratulations to St. Ethelred’s football club.  3-1 victory.  Uh, next Friday is a First Friday, and I’m going to be making my usual sick calls to the housebound with the Eucharist.  And finally, on Thursday, I’m going to begin H-Holy Communion preparation classes.  And there are more details of that in the parish newsletter along with my latest review.  That’s all, folks.  Uh, please stand for God’s blessing.  Thanks so much.  All the best.  Sure.  See you next week.  All the best.  Nice to see you, Gina.  Oh, yes.  Stop, stop.  Off you go.  Give my regards to those budgies.  Hi.  Oh, thank you.  Thank you.  I thought you’d be in prison by now.  Oh, that’s okay.  Gives me some edge.  I’ve told them some heroic bullshit.  Ah, bless you, Sandy.  Bless you.  Thank you.  Bye, now.  Have a nice day.  Bye.  See you next week.  Oh, no.  No, no, really.  I insist.  I don’t want it.  I don’t want it.  I’ve got no pockets.  Honestly, thank you.  Ah, ah, ah!  Okay, Pam.  Well, the-the hair dryer is in the, in the wonky drawer.  Under the wonky drawer.  That’s Pam.  Do you like tea?” — The Priest

“Tea.  I don’t want to boast, but I make a cracking… oh!  Bastard!  Sorry!  Bastard!  Let me just, let me just get this.  A bit less than it was before.  Oh, well.  He’ll understand.  He’s an understanding sort. There you go.  Sorry about all the tat.  It’s for a fund-raiser garden party thing tomorrow.  So much stuff.  Absolutely no staff.  You can volunteer if you want.  I’m only joking.  Probably got a life.  Oh.  What’s the time?  Do you want a proper drink?  I’ve got cans of G&T from M&S.  I will if you will.  Okay.  A cool priest?  No, I’m a big reader with no friends.  Are you a cool person?  A normal person.  What makes you a normal person?  I love it when He does that.  So, you were in my prayers last night.  I’m sorry for your loss.  Your baby.  Is the father all right?  I understand.  The funeral liturgy says that life is changed, not ended.  I’ve always loved that, if that’s of any help.  Yeah, I gathered that by the smelling of the Bible.  Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that’s, uh… I-I write, uh restaurant reviews for the parish magazine.  I was just finishing up the last one.  I actually came up with a really good title.  No.  No, it’s not cool.  ‘I’d spend 40 days and 40 nights in that dessert.'” — The Priest

“Just to let you know, the band is gonna start in a couple of minutes.  Oh, I don’t know how to talk to babies.  Sorry.  Do you guys know each other?  Oh, cool.  Good for you.  Okay.  You having fun?  Selling well?  Good?  Oh, a puzzle!  Love a puzzle.  Yes, I-I heard you, Pam.  Oh, there’s the main event.  Very talented.  Ah.  Well, whatever gets you there.  Okay, Pam!  I will be there to cupcake!  Thank you so much for helping.  Thanks.” — The Priest

“Hey.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… …can I get that coconut back?  They’re actually on hire.  Uh, I’m not sure if a lot of them are even real actually, which is morally a bit dubious.  But we got to make money somehow.  Sorry.  Thank you.  Thanks.  Uh, also, I hope you don’t mind, but, um… I’ve marked a few pages in here that I thought might be… no, no, no, no, no, no, no.  I’m not trying to…  they’re just words.  Classic.  Oh, have a read.  I’d like to know what you think.  And if you ever want to… uh, talk about stuff, I’m here.  With a G&T, of course.  You can come whenever you want.  I’d like you to come.  If it helps.” — The Priest

“But it’s not fact.  It’s poetry, it’s moral code.  It’s for interpretation to help us work out God’s plan for us.  I believe God meant for me to love people in a… different way.  I believe I’m supposed to love people as a father.” — The Priest

“What do you believe?  Worm food?  Why?!  Why would you believe in something awful when you can believe in something wonderful?!” — The Priest

“I think what you guys are doing is amazing.  So… whew!  Fuck me.  Sorry.  Didn’t get much sleep last night.  So it turns out it’s quite hard to come up with something original to say about love, but I’ve had a go.  Love is awful.  It’s awful.  It’s painful.  It’s frightening.  Makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself.  Distance yourself from the other people in your life.  Makes you selfish.  Makes you creepy!  Makes you obsessed with your hair.  Makes you cruel!  Makes you say and do things you never thought you would do!  It’s all any of us want, and it’s hell when we get there!  So no wonder it’s something we don’t want to do on our own.  I was taught, if we’re born with love, then life is about choosing the right place to put it.  People talk about that a lot, it feeling right.  ‘When it feels right, it’s easy.’  But I’m not sure that’s true.  It takes strength to know what’s right.  And love isn’t something that weak people do.  Being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope.  I think what they mean is… when you find somebody that you love… …it feels like hope.  So thank you for bringing us all together here today.  To take words from this book of love: be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.  Um, let’s get on with the big bit.” — The Priest


Dad, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Bill PatersonDad

“To love.  Oh.  So, uh, it-it means a-a great deal to-to both of us that, uh, you, that-that we, the family are-are all together here for, uh… for a very special family, uh… gang bang, um… just, you know, b-being here, uh, you know, I-I know we’ve had our, you know… ’cause I-I have the feeling, um, in here.  So I just want to say… very much.  And that’s it.  Mm-hmm, indeed.  All right.  Wine, everyone?  Well, you look fantastic.  Oh, well, no.  No, no.  I’ve read about that.  Now, are you sure you don’t want any wine?  That is so exciting, darling.  Good luck.  Well, the… oh, no, no.  Go on.  It really made an imp… no, no, no.  No, I… well, not to generalize.  They really appreciated.  The Americans.  Yeah, yeah.  Ripple.  Ripple.  W-wave.  Wave.  It’s going well, is it?  Did you always want to join the priesthood?  Food good?  Lovely.  Lovely, lovely.  Right.  Um, no, no.  We’ll-we’ll just pour our own wine, please.  No, really.  New to the parish?  They did!  You-you don’t have to.  Even as a priest.  Ah.  Just a… just a breath of air, eh?  In-interesting man, eh?  Uh, no thanks.  My darling, I, uh… I’m sorry I missed your birthday, so I just got… no, no.  I just… uh, in case you’re struggling.  Oh, no, no.  No, no.  This is not for work.  It’s just for you.  You look, uh… strong.  Are you?  No!  No.  I’m sorry.  No.  I just want to check that you’re… that you and I are… well, you’re being very… you’re not being naughty.  Why?  Yeah?  Oh.  Okay.  Is that right?  Thank you.  Oh, absolutely.  What?  Darling, you are a solicitor.  She doesn’t need to tell you.  No.  It’s uh, it’s a… you don’t need to open it.  It’s… well, it’s because you might… no!  That was meant to be a bedroom present.  A present that you open in your bedroom, alone.  Oh, yes.  I don’t like all the water.  Oh, is someone suddenly getting into the party spirit?  Honestly, just leave them in there two minutes  and they’re suddenly being teenagers again.  Is, um… is it…  What?  What, darling?  You should go to the hospital.  No, maybe leave that for later.  Hospital now.  Darling… now, Martin, just…” — Dad

“I think you know how to love better than any of us.  That’s why you find it all so painful.” — Dad


Marty, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Brett GelmanMarty

“Hey!  Congratulations, you assholes.  Aw.  Congratulations.  Hey.  Happy for you, old boy.  Best decision a man can make.  Hmm?  You look well.  Off the sauce.  Don’t want to miss a thing.  Oh.  A lot of them did.  Uh, can I get a glass of sparkling water with a dash of lime, please?  Dream team.  She has narrowed down her packing to a ten-minute turnaround.  It’s, uh… it’s all about… folding it.  Oh.  No, thank you.  Oh, well, it’s really turned us around, hasn’t it, honey?  And we are trying for a baby.  Well, they say a lifestyle change can help, so here we go.  Well, weren’t you both in Japan recently?  Okay. Yeah, well, we’re so lucky to have him.  You know they can’t even masturbate.  Shit life, man.  Must be hard on the balls.  Yeah.  So, do you do a lot of older weddings?  Is that usual?  Oh.  The bassoon.  Do you… do you see your brother?  Ah!  Thank you.  You’re an exceptional waitress.  Yeah.  I… I just wanted to say, I am so intrigued to see how you are going to make this whole evening about yourself.  Oh, no, no.  We probably shouldn’t arrive at the table together.  And she is wide open lately. What?  Chunk of change?  I’ve never been there.  I get antiques from there all the time.  I still haven’t gone there.  Oh-ho.  Wow, what did you say to her?  Can I have some?  Your sister is finally a good influence on you.  Okay!  I mean, how many times have we said we have to go to Venice?  And here we go.  Come on.  Come on.  No secrets here.  Why?  You knew?  I thought you hadn’t spoken.  That’s probably for the best.  Just, you know, it’s like a ‘goldfish out the bowl’ sort of thing.  If I didn’t wanna be in there, it didn’t wanna be in there.  Something wasn’t right.  What?  It’s the kid’s choice if it wants to jump ship, right?  Uh, either way… she got her spotlight.  Ow!  What the fuck?!  Fuck!  Fuck!  Jeez… Jesus!  Oh, fuck!” — Marty

“At least my son is in the youthy band.  What’s your excuse?  Wow, you do love a challenge, don’t you?  Hey, I just want to say something.  No, I want to say that I’m sorry for saying what I said.  I’m sorry for what you went through.  I’m sorry.  I’m just saying sorry.  I’m sorry.  And thank you.  She and I have never been better.  You had a big part in that.  A weaky?  Wow.  A weaky.  In that case, I just wanted you to know that I’m impressed with how you just keep bouncing back.  I really am.  You’re a… strongy.  That was awesome, man!  Well, she couldn’t make it, man.  Lucky for us, your aunt is an avid churchgoer.  Ooh.  Careful there, buddy.  You could go down for that sort of behavior these days.  ‘It was just a hug.’  You got to do better than that these days, boy, especially around this firecracker.  Come on.  I don’t want to be an asshole.  I just want her to be happy.  And she has been really happy.  Until she saw you.  Just saying.  Ow.” — Marty


Needy Waitress, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Maddie RiceNeedy Waitress

“Thank you.  Can I get you another bottle?  Oh, no.  Really?  Great!  Thank you so much.  Can I get anyone any ice?  Is everything okay?  Oh.  I actually love doing… oh, thank you.  Ooh.  Do you think she needs anything?  Is there anything I can do for you?  Aah…!  Thank you.” — Needy Waitress

Fitness Instructor

“Squat!  Squat!” — Fitness Instructor

Arsehole Guy, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Ben AldridgeArsehole Guy

“Do you want to have sex?  Can I at least go down on you?” — Arsehole Guy

Driver

“Yep.” — Driver

Pam, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Jo MartinPam

“I’m going to knife the candles, father.  They’re a bit clogged up.  Yeah.  Yes, I know.  Hello, love.  Oh, is that for the collection?  How sweet.  How kind.  Thank you.” — Pam

“Excuse me, everyone!  The youthy band is about to play the ode to something!  Father, the-the youthy band are about to… thank you.  Thank you so much.  Thank you.  Father!  Father, we have a cupcake situation over here!” — Pam

Chatty Joe, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, David HargreavesChatty Joe

“Hello.  Where are you from?  Oh, shit!  I’m so sorry.  I’m sorry.” — Chatty Joe

Hot Mysogynist, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Ray FearonLawyer (David) (Hot misogynist)

“Claire.  Wow.  I can take you to court for that.  This the little troublemaker, then?  Hi.  Now, listen, I just want to be clear that whatever happens, I don’t sleep with people I work with, okay?  Ah!  I’m joking.  Slip on in, ladies.  Well, if you spit guilty, you’ll have to swallow a short jail term, or community service if you’re lucky.  You definitely started it?  Any witnesses?  The most important thing, honey, is that you do not under any circumstances, apologize.  Or that can be taken as an admission of guilt.  I assume you know the victim personally.  Well, that’s what he is.  Really doesn’t make sense, Claire.  That’s a habit of yours, I’ve heard.  Never.  Claire.  Where you off to, little lady?” — Lawyer

Counsellor, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Fiona ShawCounsellor

“Excuse me.  I’ve got dry forearms.  So why have you come to this session?  Is that a joke?  It would be good not to make jokes in here, just in case anything gets lost in humorous translation.  Is that a joke?  Well, just try not to, or make it very obvious.  So why do you think your father suggested you come for counseling?  You close with your family?  Do you talk?  Any friends?  Any friends?  Tell me about the sex.  You said you don’t do that now.  And what have you found in your abstinence?  So the impulse is still there.  Mm-hmm.  So there is a particular person you’re not having sex with.  In a relationship?  Oh, really?  How so?  Are you in love with him?  Why do you find that funny?  Just not a romantic?  Just… a girl with no friends and an empty heart?  By your own description.  Oh.  So you do have someone to talk to.  Do you see them a lot?  Why do you find that funny?  It’s a bit late for that now.  Catholic?  A good one?  Looks good in the, um… I understand.  Do you really want to fuck the priest or do you want to fuck God?  Oh, yes.  Well, I don’t think fucking a priest will make you feel as powerful as you think it will.  You know.  You already know what you’re going to do.  Everybody does.  You’ve already decided what you’re going to do.  You know what you’re going to do.  Yes, you do.  You do.  You do.” — Counsellor

Old Lady

“Thank you.” — Old Lady

Harry, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Hugh SkinnerHarry

“Can I have two raffle tickets, please?  Oh, my God.  Hi.  Yeah.  Yes.  Yeah, you got a fringe.  She is amazing.  I mean, it’s been tough but amazing.  Yeah.  I mean, the birth really took its toll.  I can’t really remember it now.  But the whole thing has just… really changed me.  I just don’t feel– you know, my emotions are up and down.  My body just feels different.  I mean, Elaine is being amazing.  So supportive… I do.  Yeah, but we’re working through it.  Hey, Father.  This is Suzie.  Uh, yeah, I used …used to kind of… well, I’m gonna go and show her the coconuts.  She’s really good at counting.” — Harry


Creepy Jake, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Angus ImrieCreepy Jake

“Where’s Claire?  Where’s Claire?  Hi.  Thanks for watching.  It was just a hug.  But I didn’t do… psst.  Tell her to leave him.  Tell her… to leave him.” — Creepy Jake


Belinda, Fleabag, BBC, BBC One, Amazon Prime Video, Two Brothers Pictures Limited, Kristin Scott ThomasBelinda



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