Hulu original series The Kardashians premiered April 14, 2022.
#TheKardashians signed a $100m+ multi-year deal with Disney.
rottentomatoes: 33%
metacritic: 51
imdb: 5.4
Kim Kardashian
Kim Kardashian becomes a billionaire outside of Calabasas, California.
“Okay, I have to go meet my family now. Yeah, I like all of these. I love that slide… …and ball pit situation. I, like, wanna own that. If it was a different color. It’s fun to start with a clean slate. I feel like we’ve had so much time off filming that we’ve, kind of, gone into our own worlds and done our own thing. I hate talking about myself, but I’m two years into school. I am, literally, just studying for the bar. I’m really working on law school, SKIMS, and being a mom.” — Kim Kardashian
“Yeah. Okay, I got it. Okay. I’ve just been in, like, Mom mode, carpool mode. Do you wanna go with Dad to the Grammys and be his date? Just getting it all together at the house. Do you wanna swap? Okay, there might be one more. We’re working on whining, but let’s go inside ’cause you’re really hot. Yeah? Woo! Was it fun? No. M’kay. To me, that’s what’s so exciting is just that side of our lives, like, people don’t see. Like, I cleaned out the playroom today. Like, that kind of stuff gets me– makes me horny to, literally, clean out my playroom. I’m insane. Like, any Mom will get that. Like, if you have a clean playroom, oh my god. Like, you can sleep at night. Oh, here’s mom.” — Kim Kardashian
“You look nice. Hi. Look at you, cutie. Hm. You just made it really obvious. I know what you’re having. ‘Cause I c– I can now see her belly. I think it’s a boy. You’re skinnier this way. You’re prettier… …than you were last time. Like, the girls take the beauty to give it to themselves. The boys, like, know what’s up, and they just, like, let you be a little prettier.” — Kim Kardashian
“Khloe’s here. I’ll have regular fries, too. I’m a vegan most of the time. 98% of the time, but today I’m… going wild. Travis? Yeah. Travis and Auntie Kourtney are coming. For years, we have been telling Kourtney that her and Travis should hook up. What? Who made that? Who? Who made that? Let me see. Let me see. Click on it. Ah! Oh, hold on. Khloe, look at this. Khloe, come here. I feel like you’re the only one that would understand. I’m not sure what this means. This is a character on Roblox, but it says– H-H– I know that’s why I said. Oh, it’s a game? Oh, well, then we’re suing them if it’s a game with my name and picture. There was a picture of my cry face, and then, I looked at it and it said something super inappropriate, like, ‘Kim’s New Sex Tape.’ No, it was an inappropriate thing that popped up on his Roblox about me, that says they’re leaking something that some-someone said. This is supposed to be unreleased footage from my old sex tape. The last thing that I want as a mom is for my past to be brought up 20 years later. Especially, when it’s this big party and my whole family’s here. This is some real embarrassing shit and I need to deal with it, and I will deal with it. I just cannot believe this is happening right now.” — Kim Kardashian
“Guys, can you believe that this is day one? This is day one. You do? Yeah… same. So, guys, Mom and I had lunch the other day with Lorne Michaels from SNL– and they asked me to host it. And so– I said yes. Everyone around me is like, ‘you have to do this.’ And I get it. It’s so cool. But I always put myself in these situations that I think I’m fulfilling other people’s dreams, honestly, of, like, my mom’s. I… I… don’t know why I did Dancing with the Stars. I sucked. Absolutely sucked. That’s just so not me. If you know me, like, I– it’s not me. I’m just not funny like that. Oh good. Yeah, yeah. But also, I’m, like, kind of, like, going back and forth, like, since Kanye’s album is out, like, do I want him to be my– that would be epic if, like, he was my musical guest. But then, do I want my own moment? Kanye and I are still going through a divorce now. We’re just trying to figure it out, how to be good parents to our kids together, of how to be good friends to each other. Ultimate goal, no matter what, is just happiness, and following that, whatever that looks like. This is my first time, and I kinda want this to be about me, and not about, ‘how are they gonna act to each other?’ I mean, I just can’t embarrass us, you guys. They haven’t announced it yet. I wonder if I could still pull out. I don’t know. I’m gonna get a burger. Kourtney has just been in this amazing relationship. It’s, like, the first time that I’ve seen her happy. I’m like, so happy for this win for her because she really deserves it. So, wait… no one invited Scott? You didn’t ask Kourt? And then, does that makes us awful human beings that we’re, like, going on with our lives? It’s everything that he– thank you. Everything that he was always, like, afraid of. ‘I have– don’t have any family and you’re my only family.’ And it came true.” — Kim Kardashian
“I don’t think so. Who would’ve told him? You know how– one way to find out? So, Reighny, come here. Is he like, ‘oh, Reign, what did you do tonight?’ I think your dad’s so tired, so no need to tell him what we did tonight, okay? Cool. We have an understanding. What are you doing? You are so cute. Can I eat you? Hey! You can’t, you can’t.” — Kim Kardashian
“Amazing. Is this all for SNL? Oh my god. So, I’m still really bothered about what I saw on my son’s iPad. I just wanna get to the bottom of where this is coming from and what’s happening. And I’ve been calling everyone from Roblox and my attorney’s been on it. So, I’m just gonna let them handle it, and go into this fitting and try to focus on SNL right now. I feel like they need to know who my musical guest is ASAP, and Kanye’s out of town. He obviously would be the best. But, maybe, this is my chance to do something on my own. You know? I don’t know. Like it could either be super calming. It would be so cool for the kids to see, like, Mom and Dad on SNL together. That’s, like, ugh, so cool. But then, like, I might be more stressed out. Like, you know the more people you know that are there, like, I might just be like, ‘Oh my god.’ Do you want me to try this on? I’ll make my mom be a part of it. Totally. I was like, how funny would it be if in all the skits, it was, like, Kourtney and Travis in the background making out the whole time ’cause that’s really all they do anyway. I wrote my whole family and I’m like, ‘you guys, no one is safe. I’m gonna throw you all under the bus.’ No. I wanna say, ‘hi. Everyone’s forced me to be here.’ Listen, I’m the underdog. Everyone just thinks I’m, like, a ditz. The girl from Will & Grace came out and said that she has no idea why I would be chosen as a host, but it’s like, ‘why do you care?’ I don’t comment to tear people down, especially another female. Like, if that’s what you think, dude, then like, ‘cool… L– tune in.’ Like, the long tassels might freak me out. You know, if I’m like, ‘hi.’ I use my hands a lot and I’ll feel like an octopus. I want this to be, like, a moment where people are like, ‘oh, wow.’ Like, ‘she was funny.’ I am nervous. Listen to his. I just got this voice note. Chrissy Teigen, but I’m just like, ‘yeah, I’m dying. I’m dying. Now, you’re freaking me out even more.’ Like, ‘thanks. You’re freaking me out, actually, even more.’ Everyone’s, like, blowing me up like, ‘oh my god!’ I’ve never gotten more texts, and I’m like, ‘okay, I’m glad that you’re like, happy.’ I really do wanna surprise people and I hope that I can bring it. I, literally, called, like, Amy Schumer and I was like, ‘oh my god, I’m hosting SNL.’ She’s like, ‘I’ll help you write some jokes for your monologue.’ And I was like– I love having really funny friends. This will be… live. Live.” — Kim Kardashian
“We’re not gonna have time, Chris, to do, like, that full ponytail for SNL. Right? Like, it’s gonna have to be– oh, right. There’s certain things and preparation that people are telling me to do that are making me way more nervous. I ran into Pete Davidson at the Met and I was like, ‘I am so scared. I don’t know what I signed up for.’ And he’s like, ‘can you red cue cards? You’re good, you’re good.’ Like– and I was like, ‘I can read,’ you know? Oh, Scott wants to come and Jonathan wants to come. and I think Scott’s fine ’cause Kourtney and Travis aren’t coming. So, that’ll be nice. So, Kourtney can’t come. As long as I have my mom and my besties and Khloe, like, I’m good. And of course, I wanted to invite Scott. I love Scott. He’s always welcome, he’s always family, and I’m happy that he’s coming to support, but I probably wouldn’t invite Scott if Kourtney was coming without Travis. I think that would just be weird so soon.” — Kim Kardashian
“Sarah Silverman was like, ‘what if you’re like’, ‘okay, I’m gonna ask some questions to the audience,’ and then, I go, ‘you,’ you know, and it’s really Kanye in disguise, but you know it’s him. He goes, ‘so, do you believe in second chances in marriages?’ And I go ‘no,’ and they go to the next one. Yeah, if, if Dave tells him to do it– if Dave Chappelle says it’s funny, it’s funny. Like, that’s, that’s all I need. I don’t need a whole audience. Like, what– but what– they were like, ‘can you sing?’ Nope. ‘Can you dance?’ Nope. ‘Can you act?’ No. ‘Can you do accents?’ Nope. Like, I don’t know what I’m gonna do.” — Kim Kardashian
“I was, like, screaming at Kanye and his stylist ’cause I said the clothes have to be at my house at 11:00, and by 12:30, I’m like, ‘I’m leaving. I’m going out the door.’ And now, I look like I’m in the [bleep] Matrix. I just want the outfits, like, lined up in my room. Monday, Tuesday– I’m a robot. I will, like, operate as such. Well, it’s Kanye. He says he wants to quit everything… …and just dedicate his life to being… my stylist. You know, Kanye and I remain friends. Kanye’s always dressed me, he’s always styled me. In the early 2000s, he would literally, just end me random emails with all these looks and what my style should be. ‘Only wear crop tops and pencil skirts right now.’ Or, ‘it’s all about a boot with, like, a skirt,’ and he’ll send me, like, so many reference pictures. So, that’s always really been our thing. But there’s also a side of me that wants total independence, too. Hi. Thank you. I’m gonna get a grilled artichoke. With a side of mayonnaise and the skinny onion rings. May I please get the iceberg lettuce wedge as well, but all chopped? Can I add tomato to it? And can I add egg and ranch dressing? Ooh, what’s a blueberry patch? Thought it was a blueberry pie. Is that from the fountain? Like, the Diet Coke? Oh. Then I’ll stick with my iced tea. I love a good fountain soda, so.” — Kim Kardashian
“I don’t think I’ve ever had better onion rings. Oh my god, what did he say? That was nice. You look so cute. Yes. Hold on. Marty calling. Hi, I saw it. Can I patch you in with Tracy and I’m here with my mom? And you’re on speaker, and we’re filming my show, and I’m with my sisters. I mean, I just have so much to do this week. SNL is coming up. Already stressed out about that, and then, my lawyer calls about the threats that there’s more footage from the sex tape that’s been out there. So, Ray J’s manager is claiming he has a sex tape… …of us in Santa Barbara. This all started earlier at the barbecue. It was clickbait insinuating that if you click on it, there was gonna be a new sex tape coming out. Had my son been a little bit older and been able to read, like, I would’ve been mortified, but I… died inside. Marty, I am… 99.9% sure that no other tape exists. This is supposed to be unreleased footage. I really don’t know what they have. For 20 years, this has been held over my head… of this mistake. Or is it a mistake? It was my boyfriend, you know, of years. We go on a trip; we film a video. It’s embarrassing for that to be out there, and I’m not gonna be made to feel that way. I’m just human. Oh my god, how amazing. Um, so, what do we do, Marty? I mean, I-I’m 99% sure, but the fact that these people keep saying they have a tape, what if I was [bleep] sleeping and he stuck a dildo up my ass? I don’t know.” — Kim Kardashian
“What’s a good omen? I don’t remember anything. It’s completely illegal, have Marty scare the shit out of this guy. I’ll sue for nominal damages. The message is more important than the dollars at this point. The messaging. Yeah, and I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m protecting myself for my reputation and my children’s sake. They’re gonna post this. Like, soon. We gotta move fast and start calling people. Okay, let me call you back. Let me just call Kanye really quick. It’s not okay, though. It’s not, you know? On Roblox. You know, Saint was on Roblox yesterday, and a [bleep] thing popped up and he started laughing and was like, ‘Mommy, look,’ and it was a picture of my cry face. And it was a game that someone made of Roblox and it said ‘Kim’s New Sex Tape’ when you clicked on it. Thank god he can’t [bleep] read yet, and it’s, like, over my dead body is this shit gonna happen to me again. I just want it gone… you know? This is not gonna [bleep] with me… like, it’s not. So, I just want it gone. It’s just annoying, you know? Like, I almost died when, like, Saint thought it was funny. The one thing that got me kinda just, like, more calm about it was when I was crying, Kanye was like, ‘listen, you have the power. Nothing will cancel you. Stop worrying about the public perception,’ like, ‘you know who you are.’ Okay, wait, this is, this is them calling about this thing. Let me call you right back. Okay, bye. Okay, so here’s the thing, Marty. Get something drafted and so that it can be taken down immediately. I don’t want it to be copied. I have four [bleep] kids. I can’t go through this again. This was, like, 20 years ago. I’m not gonna go through this again. I know the right attorneys this time. I know exactly what to do this time. I’m not gonna let this happen to me again. So, we’re gonna get on top of this. I have all the time, all the money, and all of the resources to burn them all to the [bleep] ground.” — Kim Kardashian
Kris Jenner
“Oh no. I’m so sorry, honey. I have to go leave for the barbecue or I’ll be late. I have to go leave for the barbecue or I’ll be late. Kylie, we gotta go! Kylie, let’s go. We gotta get to Kim’s. I don’t wanna be late.”
“Hi. Thank you. Are you gonna do slime? You have a very busy schedule. Do you know that your schedule is busier than my schedule. I’ve been pretty busy since you last saw us. I get up at 4:00 every morning. How can people not answer their phone at 7 A.M.? It’s, like– it’s almost lunchtime. I’m a mom, I’m a grandmother, I’m running businesses. There’s Kylie Cosmetics, and there’s Kylie Skin, Kylie Baby, SKIMS, Good American, 818, KKW Fragrance, Arthur George, The Hot Sauce Company, Halfway Dead, Safely. Can just one person be lazy… in this family? What did I leave out? Probably something. Cheers, babe. Here’s to season– a new chapter.”
“Hi. Oh, look at her. You look so cute. No. Why did she make it obvious? Oh. Uh, how could she get any prettier? Everyone in this family takes a secret so seriously. They’re so committed.”
“Hi. You look fab. I’m so happy Tristan’s here. Why did I think you were at basketball… already? Aww. I’m glad you’re here. Guys! There they are. There they are.”
“This is a relationship that I don’t think anybody saw coming because they’ve known each other for so long and they were such good friends. They are so happy, seem so in love, and never stop making out, by the way. Like ever.”
“Okay, let’s go outside. Come on, little lovebirds. You can make out out there by the table. Kendall’s not here because she’s just got the flu or something. You’re gonna be good. Just suck it up, honey. That is huge. Wait, are you listening to this? Your sister’s gonna host SNL. Saturday Night Live. From New York. You just don’t know you’re funny. Yeah, you really are. And you’re more funny than you can dance, so just look at it on the bright side. Yeah. I’m not sure Kourtney really has a type. But if she does, it’s definitely Travis. Like, I’ve watched them come to a decision over something as simple as a dessert. Like, ‘okay, babe, what kind of dessert do you want?’ ‘Well, I don’t know, babe. What kind of dessert do you want?’ ‘Well, babe, I don’t know. Do you want the apple tart?’ ‘Well, I don’t know. Do you want the choc– what do you think we should do?’ Like 15 minutes! I’m like, ‘For God’s sakes, just pick a dessert. Get both.’ You probably won’t find me straddling Corey every five minutes. Or maybe after a drink, but. I didn’t, either. Okay, so I say we try this, this, and this. Well, here’s the thing– no.”
“Kim? It always smells so good in here, doesn’t it? Why am I always talking to myself? Awesome. Look how cute I look. Good one. I have his number. I am a mama bear. These are my children. This is my whole life. And it’s really hard to see my kids go through stuff like this when people are always trying to attack.”
Kourtney Kardashian
“Guys, come on. We have to go to Kim’s. Let’s go. I know. Hi. Living my life without cameras was an absolute dream. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my kids, and I just, like, let life unfold. So… Travis is my boyfriend, um. Our homes are a block away from each other. He was one of my closest friends for, probably, eight years. We used to work out together all the time, and just us doing stuff on a friend level, we could just be ourselves. We fell in love, and now, he’s my boyfriend.”
“Okay, we’re sitting here. No, sorry. Super. Khloe and I are known to be the funny ones, but, you know, Kim’s related to us, so I think she can be funny. I think she has it in her. I think have your own moment ’cause I think you’d rely on him for, like, the comfort, right? You’re not gonna embarrass us. You’re gonna be amazing. I’m so sweating. Yeah.”
“Scott and I have been broken up for seven years and I gave him 10 years before that. So, like, why is everyone making such a big deal about this? Let’s just not hate on a girl who, finally, knows what she deserves.”
“Hi. I love going to Travis’s studio. It is, like, a happy place for him. We ride bikes and we play ping-pong. It feels like home. I don’t think you’re gonna like it. I was definitely always attracted to Travis. I just think it was the right time in my life. I had taken, like, a year to myself, but my closest friends have always said, ‘you have to hook up with Travis.’ Okay. We would almost, like, play house because we would do things together with out kids. We would go to museums and go to church. And last year, during the pandemic, we were texting. And so, I just put it out there, like, flirtatious conversation. No. Finally, I think once I made it known, he asked me to watch a movie, and the whole movie, he didn’t make a move. Me. I did. He was taking a long time. The movie was over, and then, I was like– we started another movie and I was like, ‘I don’t have time for this, like, movie marathon.’ So, I made the first move. Watching him play the drums, watching him on stage, watching him, though, even with my daughter, and how amazing he is with her. The way he speaks to her is so special. Travis and I talk about a future all the time. The second we fell in love, I think we knew how different it was from anything either of us have ever had before. And so, I think that, you know, we absolutely see a future together. ‘Cause he’s a drummer. Yeah, he’s gonna record it.”
“Hi. The widthwise is what she’s talking about. Like, you don’t want it– your vagina hanging out of the sides of the SKIMS. Um… yeah. I’m gonna get an impossible burger and sweet potato fries. I’ll just get that, too, since every–“
“Mm-hm. So, he asked me about it and said, ‘do you not want me at this barbecue?’ And I was like, you know, ‘your actions need to, like, match up with, like, you wanting to be a part of this, then act like it.’ I was in Italy, and he was DMing Younes. And then, I was like, ‘that’s not really the vibe.’ ‘Don’t go DMing my ex-boyfriend.’ When I was in Italy with Travis on our summer vacation, I woke up to a text from Scott saying, ‘I’m so sorry. I DM’d your ex-boyfriend who I can’t stand.’ He sent me a screenshot of it and said he posted it on his story. He was asking if he could, like, apologize– yeah. And then, I wrote him, ‘this is despicable.’ I said, ‘this is despicable.’ I was like– yeah. For so many years, Scott’s always gotten away with bad behavior and still been invited, and I don’t think that’s gonna continue. Yeah, but wh– no. Why do we have to call? So, every time we’re doing anything, having a seven-person barbecue, we have to say– me kissing… the love of my life is not… anything bad. I’m not. I’m just saying, is not anything– like, I don’t want it to be taken negatively, and so, like, he’ll– yeah, but I’m just– no, I don’t, and I will continue to– live my life and pretend no one’s watching.”
“I did it 15-minute glam today. Thank you. What tape? Oh. Oh, oh, oh.”
Khloe Kardashian
“Hi. Oh my gosh. I’m so excited. I’m at the new house and the construction is almost finished.”
“Thank you. Right now, Tristan and I are just friends and I love our relationship that him and I have, but my biggest focus is being a mom to my beautiful angel, True. Okay, I’ll get it for you. Tristan? Hi! Let’s rub our bellies. I don’t have one anymore. The food looks amazing, if I do say so. Yeah, no, this is a pregnant woman’s dream. I, definitely, saw this coming. What? Let me see. I’m coming. Okay, I’m coming. What?! Yeah.”
“Yeah, I can. Look at all the cameras. I know. I have a little anxiety about it. Just, like, what the [bleep] are we doing again? Oh, I’m always good. Yeah? But did you say yeah? What, what day is it on? You are funny. It’s just timing is everything. But you are funny. We’ve always told you you’re not, but you really are. You’ve embarrassed us before. It’s fine. It doesn’t matter. No, I just honestly forgot. I didn’t even think about it. I don’t think so– and now, it’s like, coming true. Hold on, guys.”
“So, he doesn’t know about this at all? When you go home, does your dad ask you what you did? Steps? Oh my Gosh. Scott and I are incredibly close, but I guess I just don’t know what Scott I’m gonna receive today. I think I’m just prepared for anything. Lord? Oh my gosh, I miss this place and I miss you! We did not always have a great relationship. I have gone to anger management over Scott, but somehow Scott and I became, like, besties, and he really is like a brother to me. That being said, he does speak to me, maybe a little more flirty than my real brother does. The whole thing’s [bleep] weird. Salud. So, where’s your head at with Kourt? Do you genuinely think that you would be open to, like, a real, loving relationship? Ser– yeah. More age-appropriate. Twenty-one. Yeah. They, they challenge you. Yeah. Did you know about the barbecue at Kim’s house? Sucks. But I have a question: Do you think you can handle being around Kourt and her new boyfriend? I will say at the barbecue when… you weren’t there, I was almost, like, ‘it’s probably best,’ ’cause it was so small and intimate, and they’re very lovey-dovey. That I don’t know if that’s so comfortable for you. I thought it almost did you a favor by not having to see that so face-to-face. Oh, everyone knows he’s still in love with Kourtney. It’s not a secret, but this is 100% the happiest I’ve seen Kourtney. And that has to be hard for anyone to process, especially, when everything’s so public. I think, maybe, she’s uncomfortable and doesn’t know what to say ’cause I know she does love you and want to not have this uncomfortableness. Yeah. You felt guilty. Do you mind if I talk about this with Kourtney. Or would you rather me stay out of it? Right.”
“Well, hello there. Thank you. So do you. Tristan and I currently are not exactly together. He is one of my best friends. What’s goin’ on? I see Tristan a couple times a week. I see Tristan a couple times a week. He’s a really hands-on dad, and me and Tristan don’t have tension. We get along really, really well. And so, it’s just easy to co-parent with him. It was nice, right? I know if Tristan had his way, I guess, then we would completely be together. I just need a little breathing room and time to think. Um. I know you’re going to be heading to Sac soon, and, you know, something that I know means a lot, I think, to the both of us is the therapy aspect. I notice such a big difference in you when you are on top of your game and you, no pun intended, and you, um, just say on, I think, your personal health, like, well-being, whether that be mind, body, soul. Tristan is very determined on us getting back together. He goes to therapy quite often, a couple of times a week, and now we even do couples therapy together. I say couples, but it’s really his therapy that I’m asked to join. I think I just call it couples therapy ’cause I don’t know what else you would call it. You know, it’s always such a weird [bleep] gray area ’cause we are such great friends. And I think that’s so confusing to outside people ’cause I know how to be a monster to you if I want to. Okay. No, I have thrown water on all your clothes. If I wasn’t– when I was nine months pregnant. When you cheated on me– and if you– if I wasn’t pregnant, I would’ve [bleep] you up so– I just didn’t wanna break my nails before delivery. Yeah, for sure. Eighteen. Every day he tries to show me and prove to me that he is a different person, and that I should have faith and trust him. But him and I have been through so much together, that I have a lot of reservations. I have– my guards are up. I’m always kinda like this and Tristan just wants to bear hug me, and it’s just, I don’t know, I’m still kinda like this. I think it is an avenue where you or we get to hear each other differently. Because we’ve definitely had these conversations. There’s definitely been mistakes you’ve made… …that weren’t taken seriously or they weren’t really listened to. I don’t think someone was there to kinda hold you accountable. It’s a lot of strain on a relationship. Trust takes time.”
“Hey, Joge. I do have a bone to pick with you. Just about SKIMS. One thing. So, you know I– you guys make fun of me for having a bigger… vagina than most. I’m wearing– I’m telling her about a bone I have to pick with her. You know the bodysuit one? It’s, like, the one it– there’s ruching here. So, I’m wearing it right now and it’s amazing, but it’s a sliver. Is it supposed to just cover my clit? The vagina needs a little more fabric, just a little wider. And for all you little bitches, why does it matter? Big Puss Club. You look fab. Is someone gonna do that for you? Oh. Your stylist. Well, I think he should still, maybe, do a little music, a little Adidas designing, and then, he can do that on the side. Hi, how are you? Oh, she scared me. May I get that please? Chopped as well. She just knows what she’s doing. Shut up, are you? We are foodies. That’s why we work out the way we do because we’ll order everything and we scarf it down, and we pray for forgiveness later. It’s… horrible. Fatass. I’m just kidding. I’m not talkin’ ’bout me, I’m talkin’ ’bout Kim. No, just kidding. Thank you.”
“So, you know, Scott and I spoke about how he wasn’t invited to the barbecue. He was, actually, so incredibly receptive and he was so calm ’cause I said, ‘Scott, honestly, we did you a favor by not inviting you because it was so intimate.’ ‘Like, you don’t wanna sit there and be exposed to, like, you and Travis making out.’ Ooh, you brought that up to him? The vibe. To Travis? That is nice. You didn’t tell any of us that. You pulled out the big word. It could be me or Kim if Kourt’s too uncomfortable to say something. I don’t mind doing it, but I– why do you have to laugh every time you say it? You can own it. But it’s gonna be taken negatively to someone that’s not getting their way, so you can’t let that affect you. Ignore. Ha!”
“Wow, what an ambience in here. What? ‘Cause you’re old. You look so beautiful. You do look cute, Mom. You are the cutest. So, what’s goin’ on here? Is this a little SNL packing? Ooh! Didn’t we deal with this the first season of Keeping Up? This is a good omen, guys. Talking about s– your sex tape in the first season. I feel like we’re back to day one. It’s a good omen. Oh my gosh. I would hope you would wake up from that. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re protecting yourself and your reputation for your children’s sake. It’s 5 P.M. We gotta move fast. It’s okay. It’s okay.”
Kendall Jenner
“Hey, Mom. I’m not feeling too great, so I don’t think I’m gonna make it today.”
“I, actually, didn’t have the flu. I had COVID and it sucked. But… you know what? You’re gonna get me the rest of the season anyways and I will be here, so don’t you worry.”
Kylie Jenner
“Okay. Hey, guys. You left without me. What? What? That what? Everyone just knows what I’m having. It’s so crazy. I didn’t do shit! My belly looks the same! I am very excited to have another baby. Almost six months now. For right now we are keeping the gender just between Travis and I. We’re just waiting for the right moment to tell everyone in a special way.”
“My whole life is so public. My pregnancy is really public this time. To have something between just Travis and I feels really special. It’s just fun keeping that to ourselves. Hi! I think I want regular fries and chicken nuggets. Just a little more fries, yeah. Thank you. I’m just, like, living the dream over here. Dream. Talk about short shorts. Hi.”
Corey Gamble
“Babe, we gonna be late. Ninety-two. She’s always pretty. These kids. What’s up?”
Travis Barker
“Okay, let’s go, guys. Do you guys wanna go to the barbecue?”
“You can sit here if they need an extra seat, babe.”
“This is you, babe. Are you sticking to the table?”
“Hi, you guys. We should ride your mom’s new bike. I’m stealin’ some of your juice, baby. I like that you think you know if I’m gonna like it or not. Have you been practicing, baby? You just do whatever you want and then, I’ll do whatever I want. No. A drum battle? I would never wanna drum battle you. That was good. She’s a drummer, baby. I’m always drumming. I said I’m gonna use your mom as a drum one day, and I’m gonna, I’m gonna record it. Actually, that’s what I thought would make the loudest noise.”
Tristan Thompson
“Hello? Hey. Oh wow. Amazing. I’m so happy. Can’t wait to see it. No, um, Sunday. Sunday, Sunday I leave.”
“Hey, you look good. Not much. Yeah, no, it was so good seein’ everyone at the barbecue, you know? Yeah, and Kylie looks so good. I didn’t know she was, like, poppin’-poppin’. The baby’s cookin’ in there. Like, I see it. I didn’t know she was that far along. I think, uh, it’s great for both of us especially, ’cause, uh, we got a lot of room to grow. Regardless of us being friends or wherever we stand, I think we both grow together. It just makes our family and our bond just better. Mm-hm… yeah. Which– but you never have been, which I respect. And I appreciate that. I mean, it’s not like you’ve ever burned my clothes or, like… slashed my cars. You have?! Eh, water? I mean it’s water. Shout out to the nails. Yeah, but let’s, let’s– listen, listen. It’s, it’s 2021, okay? We can’t be talkin’ about 20– eighteen. You know how I feel about you, and, you know, you know I wanna, you know, get us back together, and build our family, and hopefully, be able to expand our family one day, God willing. But that– of course, of course. Yeah. Understand what I’m saying. I, I didn’t say trust comes after a session. Trust takes time.”
Scott Dissick
“Yo, what up, Mas? My main man. So, this is probably the first time in, like, 15 years that we’ve had a really, really long break from having cameras follow our every move, and I think I got a little lonely.”
“Khloverton! Oh, Khlo. God must’ve broke the mold when he made you. Just hopin’. Get these cameras out of here and go upstairs then. L’Chaim. Honestly, I think for, like, the first time, probably in my life, it’s, finally starting to change. Now that Kourtney’s got her life with Travis, like, as hard as it is, it does give me a place to, like, finally be able to move on. So, like, if I wanna find somebody real… …and serious, and someone I’m gonna, actually, spend my life with, it would have to be somebody– yeah, like, you know… upper 20s– when you’re with an equal, you have to go back and forth. I think that’s a big step for me, but not over thi– oh, f– whatev– eh, 30. Over th– I don’t c– whatever it is. IF I love somebody, doesn’t matter their age. I’m not sure about that. Nah, a little bit ’cause I think one of the kids said something, which the kids always, kind of, tell me everything. Feeling left out and not being told anything is super hurtful… …especially, when I don’t have another family to go to. I’d rather be around them and be around my family than not at all. Right. Right. I know how much Travis and Kourtney love each other. You know, I always had her friends, or our family, or, you know, in my ear, kinda, like, ‘don’t worry, honey.’ Like, ‘eventually, you guys will figure it out and you’ll get back together one day.’ So my foot was always halfway in the door. It was a huge adjustment losing Kourtney romantically, but now, it’s becoming a huge adjustment losing her as, kind of, a best friend. Now, we’re really just more of co-parenters. I would say it’s probably one of the more difficult things in my life. Listen, I– at the end of the day, I understand what the bigger picture is. What would be best for Kourtney and she’s happy. She’s… in a real thing, and I believe that’s true ’cause I also felt like I did so much wrong to her over so many years that– I felt super guilty, and I always felt like if she ever needed me for any reason whatsoever, I’d be there to make it up to her because of how bad I was for so long. Kourtney has all right to despise me and the way I treated her ’cause it was horrible. Like that wouldn’t go on today for a day, but it went on for years. Not at all. No, stay in it. All I need is to be acknowledged. Oh, do I even mean anything to anyone?”
Reign
“No, he doesn’t say anything. Okay. You’re already eating.”
Kourtney’s Kids
“No kissing. This bike is, kind of, hard to ride. Travis, why are you always like this to my mom? You’re gonna u-use her butt?”
Kim’s Kids
“Mommy? Here, Mommy. No. I might not have time because…. I don’t know. I’m gonna punch the camera.”
Kylie Cosmetics
“Kylie Cosmetics. How can I help you?”
Kim’s House Staff
“Yeah. Do you want it?”
Kourtney’s kids
“Yeah!”
DWTS Judges
“You just have to come out and sell it and sizzle– and, and you didn’t.”
Waiter
“Hello there, ladies. How’re you doing today? Very well. Thank you. Sure. Oh, cocktails.”
Producer
“So how does it feel to be back?”
“How far along are you?”
“Talk about what it’s been like not filming.”
“So who made the first move?”
“No, we–“
Kim’s Lawyer
“Sure. Okay, let me call you back.”
Kim’s Hairstylist
“Yeah. Oh no, they made the wigs. So, they’ll make a– we’ll– I’ll go over and they’ll do a head measurement. No, it would literally be like wig on, wig off. But I could make one and then, just put it on. Like there’ll be that much time. The first look should obviously be the most ’cause the rest of the time it’s like wig on, wig off. It’s just kinda rough. I just have to be there. Like quickly whiffle her up. And then, someone just literally grabs her and pushes her out. No, like, seconds. Like, they, literally, are pushing out. They just push her out. Like, it’s crazy. Your head’s gonna be spinnin’. And then, the wig’s ripped off and they’re changin’. And you have to act– you just have to be really calm and go out and be like, ‘okay, guys, next up.’ Oh my god. I love that. That’s amazing. That’s literally all you need. But would he do that? He’ll do it.”
Kim’s Assistant
“Yeah, no. Well, you’ve done SNL before. You did it with J.Lo, too. Did you do all of Jennifer’s wigs when you guys did it? Or did the show do it? Is there time for, like, looks and– yeah… ‘kay. Well, like, what’re you guys thinking for hair for when she walks out to do her monologue? But are you, literally, gonna have, like– 10 minutes? Not even 10 minutes. It’s like you’re in a wheelchair. But that’s funny! You know? But we’re laughing just thinking about that. I feel like you’re gonna be great. You’re gonna kill it.”
“Marty, let’s say it’s a brand-new tape that Kim doesn’t even know exists. Whatever he has, isn’t that considered stolen property?”
Chrissy Teigen
“Oh my god, you’re hosting SNL. Oh my god. Are you dying, are you dying, are you dying? Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god, okay.”
Danielle Levi
“Yeah. How would you feel if he was your musical guest? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Who’s coming from your family? Oh, you will? She’ll be in a skit? Do you know what you wanna say in the monologue? Are you nervous? Who is that? Uh-huh. Mm-hm. Kim Kardashian on SNL. It’s, like, crazy. It’s gonna be so epic and fun and historical. You’ll never forget this. It’ll be the coolest moment of your life. Yeah.”
