Old School, Paramount+, Dreamworks Pictures, The Montecito Picture Company

Old School

Old School, Paramount+, Dreamworks Pictures, The Montecito Picture Company

Paramount+ original film Old School was released February 13, 2003.

#OldSchool cleared $87.1M at the international box office.

rottentomatoes: 60%

metacritic: 54

imdb: 7.0

Mitch Martin, Old School, Paramount+, Dreamworks Pictures, The Montecito Picture Company, Luke Wilson
Mitch Martin, Old School, Paramount+, Dreamworks Pictures, The Montecito Picture Company, Luke Wilson

Mitch Martin

Mitch Martin starts a fraternity with his friends in upstate New York.

Mitch Martin, Old School, Paramount+, Dreamworks Pictures, The Montecito Picture Company, Luke Wilson

“Listen, I’m going to take off, okay? I’m gonna try and catch the 2:00 back. No, it’s fine. Cover for me, okay? Get it all. Yeah.” — Mitch Martin

“Hello. I’m going to the airport. I’m kind of in a hurry, too. Sir, your seat belt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?” — Mitch Martin

“Hello? Hey, boy. Good boy, Orson. Where’s Mommy? Honey? Heidi? Heidi?” — Mitch Martin

“I scared you? Because for a second, I thought… I don’t even want to say it. Wow. That’s like… pretty hard-core. No, I’m not judging. Don’t be embarrassed. This is a major turn-on. Let’s go with this. Is this what you do when I’m gone? I do it myself every once in a while, but to magazines.” — Mitch Martin

“Be honest. Please tell me this is the first time this has happened. Jesus, what is wrong with you? What? When? Like when? In bed? I just thought you were talking dirty. You’ve said some really sick stuff.” — Mitch Martin

“Hello. Yeah?” — Mitch Martin

“I don’t want to breathe. I wasn’t looking for a girl like that.” — Mitch Martin

“She’s coming down the aisle, Beanie, let it go. Don’t listen to him.” — Mitch Martin

“♪ Look in your eye ♪ And then I fall apart and now I need you more… ♪. Yeah. Nicole! My God! This is crazy! I can’t believe it’s you! Oh! God. What are you doing here?” — Mitch Martin

“The last time that I had heard, you had moved to… what do you call it? The sunshine state. Denver! Gorgeous! Oh, boy. No, I’m… yeah, I just feel a little… fucked up.” — Mitch Martin

“The thing about that one is, is it’s not just that. It’s a combination of things. We had a dog, we had a great place, but all just… hmm? What’s in this one? Hmm. I am so sorry! Please, just… I can fix it. Just give me a second. Yeah?” — Mitch Martin

“No, wait a second. Put in a good word for me.” — Mitch Martin

“I’d like to say that I’m really glad… excuse me. I’d like to say I’m really glad and proud to be here tonight. I’m glad to see Frank’s Dad made it out. I haven’t seen him in eight years. That’s great. Congratulations.” — Mitch Martin

“True love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love, and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego, and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show, ready to double-team your girlfriend and…” — Mitch Martin

“I don’t know, it was pretty easy, actually. Professor lived here for like 40 years, and then he died. Thanks. Uh… actually, I gave this to you for your wedding. No, this exact one. It’s okay. I hope you like it.” — Mitch Martin

“You like it? Us? That sounds like a lot of fun, but… I need a little time to get my life back together.” — Mitch Martin

“I don’t know. Stop. The real estate guy was really adamant about not having… what situation? Please be careful.” — Mitch Martin

“Sand in here?” — Mitch Martin

“This is incredible. How did you do this? With all the people here, and the speakers. I thought we were having a small get-together. I’m having a great time. A great time. What else have you got planned? A student band or something?” — Mitch Martin

“Yeah, that’s me. Yeah, my friends put it on for me. They’re kind of rereleasing me out into the wild. Nothing. Sorry.” — Mitch Martin

“Oh, shit. No, I’ m not. I just… I don’t remember. I don’t think so. Um listen… about last night. I just got out of a very serious and traumatic relationship. I’m kind of in a weird place right now. What? Mitch, with an ‘m.’ No… yeah, you’re right. I’m okay with it. It’s casual. I just… so, how do we do this? Shall I… you want me to leave your number? Bye. I love you.” — Mitch Martin

“Really good. You look great. Yeah, I still haven’t heard from Frank. I’m a little worried. Yeah, come on in. Is this one of your guys here? Wow, Cheese… is that you? Remember Cheese, Rodney’s kid brother? Working what? Campus patrol? That’s great. What are you talking about? You can’t just do that. I’ve already paid the first and last month’s rent! Can I ask you a question?” — Mitch Martin

“Oh, yeah. I actually didn’t go to Hooters. Oh… no, thanks. What’s wrong with it? I’m familiar with that item… hi. Nice to meet you. I thought you said high school. Yes, it is.” — Mitch Martin

“Give me a break. Hey. Not too bad. What’s going on? Personal stuff like you running through the neighborhood drunk and naked? No problem. Make yourself at home.” — Mitch Martin

“Who are these people? What the hell is going on here? We need to talk. Come on. Kitchen.” — Mitch Martin

“How long have these people been in my house? What are you talking about? You’ve got to be kidding me. But this is my house. I live here, Beanie. I’m 30 years old. None of us are enrolled in the college. Makes no sense. Yeah, I had a good time.” — Mitch Martin

“Oh, God! Look, I appreciate your enthusiasm. I know you guys are trying to help, but the truth of the matter is, I’ve had a hell of a day, an even worse month. And the fact is, I’ve got 40 strangers out in my living room and all I want to do is get some fuckin’ sleep. So, I’m sorry… but we’re not starting a fraternity.” — Mitch Martin

“Wait, who’s this guy? He looks 100 years old. He wants to pledge? Let’s go! Come on, let’s go. Nice and easy.” — Mitch Martin

“At this point you may be asking yourself, ‘why am I holding this 30 pound cinderblock in my hands?’ You might also ask yourself, ‘why does this cinderblock have a long piece of string tied to it?’ And finally, ‘why’s the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?'” — Mitch Martin

“Nothing. Just making some copies. See you later. Who told you that? I don’t know what you’re talking about. Listen to me. There is no fraternity. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I am not blackballing you. We work together, Walsh. And I don’t want to mix work with whatever it is I do at home. Trust me, you’re not missing anything anyways. Sorry. Sorry. That is untrue!” — Mitch Martin

“I do. I mean, I have a career to worry about. For me? Yeah.” — Mitch Martin

“Nicole, how’s it going? Who’s this? Hi, Amanda. You remember Nicole, right? I actually wanted to apologize to you about the wedding. I hope I didn’t embarrass you. That is really nice. Please. Hey, Beanie. No, this is cool. Must be joking around or something. Where are you guys living now? That’s a great idea! You should definitely come. Anyways, we’ll see you Sunday then? Okay, bye.” — Mitch Martin

“You’ve outdone yourself once again. Take it easy. Hey. When’d you get here? No. Not really. I mean, no. It’s more kind of like a social club. We just kinda watch football and hang out. It’s not like that. We don’t take it too seriously. That’s Frank.” — Mitch Martin

“I don’t know who’s more excited, Frank or Max.” — Mitch Martin

“Right on there. I feel honored. So, Mark seems like an interesting guy. How long have you two been together? You had a crush on me? I was obsessed with you. You got to be kidding me. I was obsessed with you. Not in a dangerous way, you know. I just watched you a lot, from a distance. You were pretty intimidating back then. You were always with older guys. You had that whitesnake chitin jean jacket. You smoked Marlboro Reds. You were way out of my league. I’m still pretty intimidated by you.” — Mitch Martin

“Ah, geez! I’m sorry… excuse me. I’m just… …just returning these band-aids.” — Mitch Martin

Bernard Campbell, Old School, Paramount+, Dreamworks Pictures, The Montecito Picture Company, Vince Vaughn

Beanie Campbell

“You look a little pale, Mitch. You need to breathe. Let a little blood up in your face there, will ya? You should be proud of yourself. Do you have any idea how hard it is to land a girl as sexually enlightened as Heidi is? A girl like that comes around, what, once every hundred years?”

“Columbus wasn’t looking for America, but that seemed to work out for everybody. You’re here. You know what I mean? Don’t even start with me, Franklin. Okay? You need to walk away from this ASAP. You need to get out, Frankie.”

“This is it. Now or never. You need to get out of here while you’re still single. She’s 30 yards away, you’re still single right now. Give that six months. You don’t think that’s gonna change? I got a wife, kids.”

“Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frankie? There’s my wife. See that? Always smiling. Hi, honey. Judging, watching. Look at the baby. Look at the baby.”

“Let me be the first to say congratulations to you then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank. Way to work it through.”

“It takes a man to give away an angel. You’re a sweetheart.”

“Don’t do it! My throat’s dry. I’m sorry. I’m a smoker.”

“Hey, Marissa! You’re the lady.”

“It stops right there and it continues right here, because I think what Mitch is trying to say is that true love is blind. Let’s raise our glasses, whatever we got in front of us. Salute. Health and happiness. Cheers, everybody. I love you so much, Frankie. I love you. I’m not a talker. I love you. Congratulations.”

“I thought you said near campus. This is practically on-campus. It’s sick. This is great. How’d you land this place? That’s awesome! That’s awesome. Come on.”

“This place is unbelievable. How could you still be depressed? This is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to us. Yeah, us. Do not get selfish on me here, okay? Now stay with me. You put a bar in over there, right? Couple Lay-Z-Boys to fill it out, definitely a smarter couch. You could put a hot tub almost anywhere in this place.”

“Max, can you earmuff it for me? We’re gonna get so much ass here, it’s gonna be sick. I’m talking crazy, boy-band ass.”

“We need to throw a big kick-off like kick-ass party to start things off. I don’t think you realize what a huge opportunity this is for you. Girls love a guy who’s in your particular situation.”

“Mitch, you’re on the rebound. You’re like an injured young fawn that’s been nursed back to health, who’s finally gonna be rereleased into the wilderness. I’m sorry. You okay? Don’t say sorry to me, say it to the baby. You upset him. It’s okay. It happens.”

“We should go tropical with this thing. Like sand from wall to wall. I know a great sand guy we can get at a price. Or foam, whatever. Something in here. Frank, you understand what I’m talking about?”

“Not funny. Now the baby’s upset.”

“Nice, right? This is a small get-together. It’s one of many small get-togethers. That’s why you got the house, brother. You’re having fun, right? Honestly? Good.”

“Yeah, that’s it. I got a student alt rock band coming on stage next. I own six Speaker Cities. I’m worth $3.5 million, that the government knows about. I got more electronics up there than a damn Kiss concert. You think I’d roll out that kind of red carpet for a fuckin’ marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage.”

“Thank you very much, guys. This will be happening at this house all year. So get ready, don’t burn yourselves out tonight. I want to thank you very much for coming to the official Mitch Martin freedom festival. For those who don’t know who Mitch Martin is, he’s the very successful, very disease-free gentleman standing by the mini-bar.”

“Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm Harrison University welcome to my pal and your favorite, mister Snoop Dogg.”

“At Speaker City, we’re slashing prices on everything from DVD players to camcorders, and everything in between. Our courteous staff will educate you on a wide selection of state-of-the-art home theater equipment and accessories. Show us a competitor’s price. We’ll beat it. If we can’t beat it, I’ll give you the keys to the store. Literally.”

“Figuratively, I mean. The only thing that sounds better than our speakers are our prices. What do you think? Honestly. Shoot me straight. Really? God, I went a little bit… got crazy last night.”

“What are you doing, man? Who is this? Oh, yeah! Cheese! Didn’t we lock you in a dumpster one time? Cool, man. I’m glad you did. Yeah, I think there might be some whippits lying around if you want them. What are you, a Jehovah’s Witness?”

“Gentlemen, we’re discussing a brand-new way to look at a fraternity. In other words, forget all the normal rules that apply to both college and society, because this is a very big idea, my friends. We are talking about a non-exclusive, egalitarian brotherhood where community status and more importantly, age, have no bearing whatsoever. Yeah, from the guy who probably won’t get in.”

“Okay. Legally speaking, there will be a loose affiliation, but we will give nothing back to the academic community. As well as provide no public service of any kind. This much I promise. Guys, this is a very special occasion. The Godfather himself has been kind enough to grace us with his presence. The Godfather! This is his damn house. He lives here, he sleeps 20 feet away.”

“Sit good for me. I’m gonna talk to Uncle Mitch for a second. There you go, buddy. All day. That party we had gave us all kinds of street cred. This is called ‘rush.’ We’re officially starting a fraternity. You heard Pritchard. We’re obligated to do this. This house, he says is zoned specifically for social services and student housing. Fraternity solves both of those, right?”

“I understand that. You’re focused on all the wrong sort of details. Did you or did you not have a good time at the party? I know you had an awesome time. The entire town knows you had an awesome time. I’m trying to ask Mitch whether or not he had an awesome time.”

“Okay, that’s good. Wouldn’t you want those good times to keep going? More good… I mean… I don’t understand. I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to admit that you want this. We got 40 guys that want this. There must be a reason for it.”

“I don’t know why you got to do it in front of the kid. With the ‘f’ing.’ All you got to do is say ‘earmuffs’ to him. Then you can say ‘fuck, shit, bitch,’ whatever you want. I’m just proving a point. You don’t have to celebrate it, Frank. I’m sorry. Don’t say sorry to me. You let down Frank, you let down me, you let down Max, most importantly. Right about now, I’m having a real hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule just to try to help you get over… earmuffs. That whore that you dated. Wanna go out and see the other guys? Uncle Mitch is sorry.”

“That’s Blue. He’s an old Navy vet who hangs around my store a lot. But don’t worry about it, he’s legit. Are you kidding me? Old man river won’t shut up about it. Go time! There we go, Blue.”

“Congratulations, gentlemen. You should all be very proud of yourselves. Each and every one of you has been hand-picked to represent our inaugural pledge class. Over the next 21 days, you’re all going to experience intense mental and physical strain.”

“Just pace yourself. And the answer, ladies… is trust. This is your first test. Wasn’t meant to happen like that, Weensie! Walk it off, big guy. We’re coming down.”

“So what? Who cares if you work with the guy? You’re killing me. You really need to start embracing this whole thing here. The frustrating thing is I don’t think you appreciate I’ve done for you. Yeah, for you. You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hang out with 19-year-old girls all day? I don’t. I’m doing this whole thing for you.”

“Yeah, we did a little chicken dancing at the wedding. How you been? Good. That thing’s a piece of crap. Awful. I stopped selling it six months ago. A lot of complaints. But that’s a nice gesture. My son Max is turning six on Sunday. We’re having a birthday party for him. Just like, petting zoo and clowns, stuff like that. But you guys are welcome to come, if you like.”

“Bob’s not here. They’re on the rocks. It’s nice, right? Spanish, what the hell are you doing? Put your head back on. Are you nuts? That an be very traumatic for these kids. Don’t ‘sorry’ me. Shake the tail when you walk. You’re better than that. You don’t see me breaking the fourth wall. Thanks a lot. Pleasure yo meet you.”

“I’m gonna go ahead and give you these. That’s my work phone. Call me. Speaker City. I own all six locations. Alright. Come on in here, Maxy. Mind giving me a minute? We’ll talk surround sound and everything else later. I’ll cut you a deal. I’m not gonna hold you over the coals for it. How you doing, bud?”

“I guess we could open just Uncle Frank’s, but we got to wait for the others. Rip it up! Go at it. What is it? Could it be a space ship? Let’s see what we got!”

Frank Ricard, Old School, Paramount+, Dreamworks Pictures, The Montecito Picture Company, Will Ferrell

Frank Ricard

“I just want to thank you guys one last time for being here. It’s the best day ever. What?”

“I’m not single. Come on. Marissa’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“I need my inhaler. You look beautiful. Great. Okay.”

“I love you, Dad!”

“A little housewarming. To new beginnings. This model? I’m sorry. I’m embarrassed. I’m sorry. I love it. Thank you.”

“Absolutely. Break it in a little, meet the neighbors. Come on, Mitch. You know what I’m talking about. Break it in.

“Sorry. I’m sorry, baby. Absolutely. I’m good either way. Just need to run it by Marissa. I’m messing with you guys! It’s a joke!”

“Hey, honey. No, thanks. I got a fresh beer. Yeah, thanks. I took the restrictor plate off, give the red dragon a little more juice. But let’s keep that on the down low. She’s not exactly street legal. Hey, Mike! So, what’s up?”

“Oh, honey, um, I got Mitch’s thing tomorrow night. But I can skip it. Thanks. You’re the best. What do you mean?”

“Honey, Frank the tank is not coming back, okay? That part of me is over. It’s water under the bridge. I promise.”

“Excuse me. Pardon me. I just want to get through this door, if you don’t mind. Thank you. No, that’s my friend, Mitch. My friend Mitch, he owns the house. No, I appreciate it. But I told my wife I wouldn’t drink tonight.”

“Besides, I’ve got a big day tomorrow. But you guys have a great time. Well, actually… pretty nice little Saturday. We’re gonna go to Home Depot. Buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring. Stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath and Beyond. I don’t know. I don’t know if we’ll have enough time. You know what? Give me that thing. I’ll do one.”

“Fill it up again! God, that’s good. It’s so good! Once it hits your lips, it’s so good. Whoo! You know it! You know it!”

“♪ Take money take money ♪. We’re going streaking! I’m sorry. We’re going steaking through the quad and into the gymnasium. Come on, everybody! Come on, Snoop! Snoop-a-loop! Snoop! No, it’s cool. I’m cool. Bring your green hat. Let’s go. Come on, everybody. We’re going! Here we go!”

“Hey, honey. Hey. We’re streaking. We’re going up through the quad to the gymnasium. There’s more coming. Everybody’s doing it. Okay. Hey, ladies. Honey, do you think KFC is still open?”

“Anything? Well, I guess I… deep down I’m feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly… you get married and you’re supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don’t feel different. Take yesterday, for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And… I happened to look over during the meal, and see a waitress taking an order. And I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Odds are they’re probably basic white, cotton underpants. But I started thinking, ‘well, maybe they’re silk panties. Maybe it’s a thong. Maybe it’s something really cool that I don’t even know about.’ You know? And I started feeling… what? I thought we were in the trust tree. In the nest, are we not? I don’t know where I was going with that.”

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that now that I’m married, I’m definitely feeling a little freaked out about the fact that I’m gonna have sex with only one person… for the rest of my life.”

“Hey, Mitch. Hey, man. Did you have a good day? I thought maybe I could crash here tonight, if that’s all right. Marissa is going through some personal stuff. That… and some other stuff. Thanks.”

“I don’t know.”

“I like it. It’s genius! I had an awesome time. Cock, balls. Say ‘yes.’ Yes.”

“Alright here’s the deal. Listen up! All together we’ve picked 14 pledges. Don’t make this harder on yourself! You tell anyone about this, I’ll fuckin’ kill you! I’m kidding. We’ll have him back by tonight. Okay, sweetie?”

“Ahhh!! Copy that. Just got a little overexcited. Sorry.”

“Spanish! Do you trust that we’ve provided you with enough slack so your block will land safely on the lawn? And blue! Do you trust that I do not want to see you die here tonight? Blue, you’re my boy! About face. Step to the edge! Pledges, prepare to release! One… two… three! Release!”

“What do you guys like better? Nurse or cheerleader? Hi, Nicole. Yeah, thanks. She’s okay. Did you have fun at the wedding? I’m just staying here, for right now. Bye.”

“Hey, honey. It’s me. Listen, just was calling to check in. I been kind of busy lately. A lot of paperwork, stuff like that. Damn it. Hey, Marissa, it’s me. Uh, listen… gonna be in the neighborhood a little bit later. Didn’t know if you wanted to get together for frozen yogurt sometime, or maybe even a whole meal of food. If that’d be agreeable… stupid. Hey, Marissa, it’s Frank Ricard…”


“Hey, Blue! How come there’s no ice in my lemonade? You drop down and you give me ten! Now! Let’s go!”

“Hey, Beanie. Max wants to open up his gifts. I thought maybe one would be all right? What a day! Yay! What do you think, Max? It’s got three speeds. Damn it.”

“Hey there, buddy. Need a friend? Yeah, me too. Hey. Wow. Yeah. What kind of gun is this? Huh. Cool. Oww! What? Ha! Whoa. Oh, my God, I did. Is this bad? Is this bad? Wait… wait. Pull what out? You’re craz… you’re crazy, man. You’re crazy. I like you. But you’re crazy. I feel tired. No!”

Marissa Ricard, Old School, Paramount+, Dreamworks Pictures, The Montecito Picture Company, Perrey Reeves

Marissa Ricard

“Thank you, Daddy.”

“Hey! Hey! I brought you an iced tea! Can you turn that off for a second? Wow. That’s really loud. Right. Nothing much. I was hoping we might get to those thank you notes tomorrow night.”

“Oh, that’s right. I totally forgot. Oh, no! Don’t be silly. I mean, I wouldn’t want you changing your whole life just for me. I’ll give Lara a call and we’ll plan a girls’ night. It’ll be fun. Just as long as you promise to take it easy, you know.”

“You know exactly what I mean. You’ve come a long way since Frank the tank, and we don’t want him coming back now do we?”

“Come on, you guys. I told you, you don’t have to get me anything. A class? Wait a second, is that guy… oh, my God. Frank? Frank!”

“What the hell are you doing? Who’s streaking? Frank, get in the car. Now! Please, guys.”

“It’s okay, honey. That’s why we came.”

“Come on. Is this guy for real? Jesus Christ, Frank! What the hell are you doing here? I am so sorry. Are you hurt?”

Nicole, Old School, Paramount+, Dreamworks Pictures, The Montecito Picture Company, Ellen Pompeo


“Mitch Martin? I was invited. Denver. Are you okay? Yeah, Marissa told me about your girlfriend. I’m very sorry. Um hmm? You know what? I think you should have some of this. Coffee. Ow! Oww! Jesus! Do, don’t touch. Mitch, really. Thank you.”

“Hello. This is my daughter, Amanda. Say hi, sweetie. Fine, thanks. It’s okay. You just embarrassed yourself. I brought you a housewarming gift. It’s just a CD holder, for your desk or whatever. I thought it was… did that guy just call you the Godfather? We’re staying with my dad for awhile, until I find something better. The move’s been a little rough on Amanda. Okay, sounds like fun.”

“Hi, Frank. That’s a nice doll you have there. Yeah, it was fun. Sunday, right. Say bye. Bye.”

“Hi, guys. Nice costume. This is a great party. Just a few minutes ago. This is my boyfriend, Mark. He flew over from Colorado yesterday. This is Mitch and Beanie. A fraternity. Is that true?”

“There we go. Okay, you can go back out and play now. Come on. There. Take your doll. Okay. I think she likes you. She ignores most people. He’s harmless. Two years now. I told him I had a crush on you in high school and I think I got him jealous. How come you never asked me out then? Um hmm. I still have the whitesnake jean jacket.”

Lara Campbell, Old School, Paramount+, Dreamworks Pictures, The Montecito Picture Company, Leah Remini

Lara Campbell

“What are you doing to this poor girl? Mitch, stop it! I got it. No, inappropriate. Stop it right now. Sweetie, there’s a bathroom over here. Mitch, honey? Hon? Why don’t you go get some air, okay? Walk it off. Yeah? Yeah, okay.”

“Oh, my God. Why should I got to a class? Bernard should be the one going to a class. I swear the man is orally challenged. Why am I looking at that? Hey, Frank. Looks like it’s a little cold out there, huh?”

Dean Pritchard, Old School, Paramount+, Dreamworks Pictures, The Montecito Picture Company, Jeremy Piven

Dean Pritchard

“Hello? Jesus. About three fire hazards over here. Hello, Mitch… Bernard. I see you guys haven’t changed much. Actually, my name isn’t Cheese anymore. It’s Gordon Pritchard. I got out. You fellas have a good time last night? No, thanks. I’m working. Try again. I’m the dean. Dean Pritchard. Yeah. As of this morning, this house has been rezoned. It is now exclusively for campus use only. Take a look at that. You have a week to vacate, and I thank you for your cooperation. Great. Absolutely not. It’s been good seeing you guys. It looks like you’re doing great.”

“Jesus. Who are these people? Patricia, get security to the south lawn. We have an illegal off-road vehicle operating without a permit. Call them again.”

“It’s been two weeks. How are these guys still a fraternity? Half of these guys don’t even go to this school. You see the one guy, he’s like 90. A loophole? I’m sorry, is that funny? Are you a standup comic? Is that you do now? This is me leaving. This is me leaving.”

Snoop Dogg, Old School, Paramount+, Dreamworks Pictures, The Montecito Picture Company

Snoop Dogg

“♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ You know what? ♪ I’m thinking of a master plan ♪ Cuz ain’t nothing but sweat inside my hand ♪ So I dig into my pockets all my money is spent ♪ So I dig deeper but still coming up with lint ♪ So I start my mission leave my residence ♪ I’m thinkin’ how can I get some dead presidents ♪”

“♪ A pen and a paper a stereo, a tape ♪ Say what ♪ Say what, say what ♪ Did somebody say make money money ♪ Make money money money ♪ Say make money money make money money money ♪”

“Man, man. Put the music back on. Let’s get the party back cracking up in here.”


“♪ Time to have some play ♪ So what you need is some game ♪ Get your paper bag ♪ Oh, baby ♪ In a world of paper ♪ Paper ♪”

Darcie Goldberg

“You’re that guy. Mitch-a-palooza, from the poster. This party is great. Nice work. What are you talking about?”

“Good morning. Now, that was a party. Since when are you so shy? Did I snore last night? Sometimes I snore when I’m drunk. Relax, Rich. It’s not a big deal. Right. Look… whatever, we were just having a little fun. You have nothing to worry about. I got to go to class, so… you don’t even have to worry about it. See you around.”

“Hi, Dad. Am I interrupting? Nice to meet you, Mitch. Great. You know, movies and popcorn. Dad, stop.”


“Walsh tells me your San Diego trip was a blast! How as Hooters? Yeah, right. Skittles? Listen… I got a call from Manetti. He tells me that your sunshine square proposal is totally fucked. For one thing, it violates the zoning restrictions set forth in the National Historical Preservation Act of 1966. Most notably, clause four. Shall I continue? Honey!”

“No, come in. I don’t think you’ve met my daughter. Darcie, this is Mitch Martin. How was the slumber party? She’s an angel. I know it makes me sound like an old man, but I can’t believe how fast she’s growing up. I’m sorry, honey. But it’s true. To think that in just seven months, you’ll be graduating from high school! You okay? Yeah. Shocking, isn’t it?”


“Marissa, I totally forgot. I know it’s a little belated, but we got you the perfect wedding present! No, no. Our friend Ashley had this guy come over and teach a blow job class. It was incredible. Wait, why are you slowing down? Just drive, go.”


“Oh, tell her! He’s really good. So we had to book him way in advance. That’s disgusting! No way.”

“Whoa! Scooch over.”

“Yeah, he’s fine. He’s the best there is.”


“What’s up, man? Anyway, come hit this right here. You need to hit this. He gonna do one! He gonna do one! Do you, baby! That’s a talented man right there. That’s what I’m talking about.”

“Sir, yes, sir.”

“I’m just getting some water. This suit is crazy hot. You’re right. I’m sorry.”


“Yes, sir? Sir, yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”

“Sorry, sir! Yes, sir.”




“How’s it hanging, boys? Listen, somebody told me you guys are in a fraternity? Is that right? Hang out and spank each other, I bet.”

“Excuse me. I’ll have one of those. I’m Mark. What’s your name? Nice meeting you… Tracy.”

“You’re right. I am bad. I guess we’re not knocking? What are you gonna do? Tell on me? You know you can’t, buddy. It’s guy code, okay? Guys don’t tell on other guys. That’s, uh… something chicks do. You’re not a chick, are you? All right. Good talk. I’ll see you out there.”



“You’re bad. Excuse me, I’ve got to get back to work.”


“She’s a beauty, ain’t she? That’s a tranquilizer gun. If any of these little fuckers decide to freak out on the kids, I get to take them down. Ain’t that right, mother? That’s what I thought. Shut up. Hey, be careful with that. That’s the most powerful tranq gun on the market. Got her in Mexico. Yeah, it is cool. They say it can puncture the skin of a rhino from… yes! That’s awesome! You just took one in the jugular, man! Yes! You should pull that out. That shit is not cool. The dart, man. You got a fucking dart in your neck.”

Birthday Party

“♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ Happy birthday, dear Max ♪”

Blowjob Class

“Okay, ladies. The secret to a good B.J. is focus. I don’t care if it’s your husband of 10 years or some hot sailor you met at a TGI Friday’s a couple months ago. Who never did call me back. But that’s neither here nor there. Grab your vegetables. Who’s hungry? Who’s hungry? Ladies, our thumbs are down, our wrists are flexed, and we’re gonna position ourselves for insertion. Ready? Do it. And mind the stepchildren. Mind the stepchildren. Marissa, come on. That’s it. I like what I see. Don’t be afraid to arch it. Yeah, ooh. Marissa, come on. That’s it. Everybody can learn from Marissa. I’m gonna take a quick five. You guys continue. Nice work, Marissa. Way to give it a hundred and ten percent. When I get back there, I’m gonna show you something I call ‘crouching tiger hidden penis.’ Did you see that movie? I really like it ’cause of the flying and the magic. Someone just make a bad mistake! You know this person? Yes, I’m hurt.”

Harrison University Student

“I go to school here. I was curious, what association will you have the actual university?”


“Oh…! ♪ I’ve been laid more times than God ♪ Got six kids in Laung-pau-lad ♪ One two three four One two three four ♪ I don’t know, but it’s been said ♪ One more lap and I’ll be dead ♪”

Harrison University

“They’ve already been called, sir.”

“They’re not a fraternity, sir. They’ve been approved for temporary status by the student council. Technically, that doesn’t matter. They found a loophole. Yes. It’s interesting, sir. As stupid as they appear, they’re actually very good at paperwork. It’s quite an anomaly.”

“Hey, Godfather! What’s up? Yo, you the man, dog! See you around, homey!”


“Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here. We are. It’s okay. Okay? It’s okay. Please continue.”


“What’s going on?”

Party Goer

“This is the guys I was telling you about. This is his house. Yeah, hit that. A big day? Doing what?”


“Frank the tank! Frank the tank! Frank the tank!”

“♪ Make money money make money, money, money ♪”


“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together to join Franklin and Marissa…”

Wedding Singer

“♪ Turn around ♪ Every now and then I get a little bit lonely ♪ And you’re never coming round ♪ Turn around ♪ Every now and then I get a little bit tired ♪ Of listening to the sound of my tears ♪ Turn around ♪ Every now and then I get a little bit nervous ♪ That the best of all the years have gone by ♪ Turn around ♪ Every now and then I get a little bit terrified ♪ I see the fuckin’ look in your eyes ♪ Turn around, bright eyes ♪”

“♪ Every now and then I fall apart ♪ Turn around, bright eyes ♪ Fuckin’ every now and then I fall apart ♪ And I need you now tonight ♪ I fucking need you more than ever ♪”

“♪ Lay, oh-de-lay, oh-de-lay, hee hoo! ♪ Sparkling, clear and lovely ♪ You’re my ♪ Lady ♪”


“Can’t hear you!”


“Mitch! What are you doing home? You totally scared me! Yeah, I know. Mitch, wait. Okay, Mitch. We need to talk.”

“Do you want me to be honest, or do you want me to tell you this is the first time? Nothing is wrong with me! I’ve tried to tell you about this. All the time! Like, when we’re in bed and stuff. I was, but I was being serious.”

“You have to admit it Mitch, we haven’t exactly been living the most exciting lives in the world. This is a totally different kind of satisfaction for me. It’s purely sexual. I’m really sorry.”


“You’re leaving now? It’s not even intermission. It’s worth two free drinks at the meet and greet.”

“There he is. What’s going on, brother? Um hmm. Hey, Mitch. Hang on a second. I heard you guys are starting up a fraternity. Nobody. Is it true? Right. It sounds cool, man. I want in.”

“You listen to me. I need this, okay? My wife, my job, my kids. Every day is exactly the same. I go golfing on Sundays. But I hate golf. Don’t blackball me, Mitch. Please. Really? Heard you hooked up with Goldberg’s daughter. Hey, Mitch. All I’m saying is think about it, okay? Think about it!”


“I don’t think you can do that. I guess. Could we have your badge?”


“I recommend you stop being such a ******. You’re in the back seat. Jesus. See?”

House Guest


Todd Phillips

“Hello. I’m here for the gang bang.”

Key Note Speaker

“Real estate query engine is a virtual rubicon of information, putting the lawyer himself at the controls.”


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *