Columbia Pictures original film Bad Santa was released November 26th, 2003.
#BadSanta made $76.4M at the international box office.
rottentomatoes: 78%
metacritic: 70
imdb: 7.0
Willie T. Soke
Will Soke and his associate Marcus knock over malls during the holiday season in Phoenix, Arizona.
“Hey, can I get another drink down here? I’ve been to prison once, I’ve been married twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason. I’ve had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out, and I got a bone chip in my ankle that’s never gonna heal. I’ve seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this. If I’d known I was gonna have to put up with a bunch of screaming brats pissing on my lap for 30 days out of the year, I would’ve killed myself a long time ago. Come to think of it, I still might. Where I come from, we didn’t celebrate Christmas. Not because we were Jewish, but because my dad was a worthless coward fucking asshole whose idea of a present was a daily punch to the back of the head. He did teach me how to crack a safe, though. My dad never did shit with his life, so he took it out on me. You could say I’m no different, and I’d have to say you were right. But at this point, it’s too late to start over. Funny how things work out. It’s fucking hilarious.” — Will Soke
“So, what do you want, little girl? Oh, your old man will love that. Okay, fine. See you later. Well, I’m very happy for you. You want to see some magic? Here, let’s watch you disappear. Watch the bladder, kid. Santa’s got to pee. What do you want? ‘A new bike.’ Wow, that’s a new one! Excellent. Is that it? Thank the fuck Christ. Oh, Jesus. What the fuck? What the hell is wrong with you? I’m trying to fucking leave here. Yeah, my dick. You wanna see it? Ready. I’m finished when I’m finished. Got it.” — Will Soke
“Hey, baby, two more of these, all right? You can’t drink worth a shit, you know that? Come on, one more. It’s a celebration. Here’s to you. Yep. At least, I got it open. Yeah, well… you don’t have to worry about me anymore. I’m out. Bullshit, my ass. Exactly. I figure I got enough to go to Miami. I don’t know. Shit, get a car, get a place maybe, you know? Maybe start a business. A bar out on the beach. Something like that. I could quit drinking and… run the place. Maybe marry a waitress. What? You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Well, it ain’t gonna happen. No, thanks, we’re all right. See? I’m already on the wagon.” — Will Soke
“Fuck you. Right. Fuck you! Asshole! Fucking shit! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Yeah, baby! Hey, Tiffany, you want to play ‘Hide the Nazi’ one day? Huh. Goddamn it. I got something for you, pretty ass. Yeah. I gotta listen to my messages, and you need to take a shower. No, you smell like a bum’s nut sack.” — Will Soke
“Performance? Performance, like sexual? Are you saying there’s something wrong with my gear? Is that what you’re saying to me? My fuckstick. God damn it! What do you want? What? Get out of here. Next! Next! Oh, good. What do you want? What do you want? What are you doing? God damn it! I don’t give a shit what you want. Blowing snot all over everybody and fucking whatever. Next. Come on. What do you want? Yeah, I’m Santa. Come on, what do you want? Okay, fine, Barbie. Oh, thank you. Ow! Watch the toenails, kid! Shit. Next. Next! What do you want? What the fuck is that? Well, I heard you. A Fraggle-Stick car, fine. Next. I said ‘next,’ God damn it. This is not the DMV, all right? Move it along. What do you want? Well, come on, what do you want? A snot rag? Great. Another fucking mongoloid. Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me, all right? Don’t fuck with my beard. No shit. Well, it was real, but you see, I got sick and all the hair fell out, so I had to wear this fucking thing. I loved a woman who wasn’t clean. No, it was her sister. Like the suburbs. Apache Junction. What the fuck do you care? Now get off my lap. You just sit there like a fucking retard. No, I’m an accountant. I wear this fucking thing as a fashion statement, all right? Marcus, get this kid out of here. He’s freaking me out.” — Will Soke
“I got to get a drink. I’ll see you tomorrow. Yeah, why don’t you get going? You’ll be late for your Wizard of Oz Candy Bar Guild. You saying something to me? What? Yeah. Yeah. Well, nothing till March, and then I’m the Easter Bunny. Yeah. Why not? No, not really. Why not? No, it’s not that big a fucking deal. It’s just a job, you know what I mean? I’m an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santa Claus. Well, can I, at least, take this hat off? Oh, okay. So is my thing for tits. What the fuck? What the hell, buddy? Are you off your fucking meds or something? Well, let me tell you something, motherfucker. My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam. So, I want you to look at me. IO want you to look at my face one last fucking time. This is the last thing you’re ever gonna see before I… good God! Hey, you’re that kid. What the fuck are you doing here?” — Will Soke
“This one fucking time I take you home, okay? I’m not your fucking dada. It’s not like you helped me back there with that nut job or anything, you know? You’re the right height, you’re right there to grab his balls. You could twist them… what the fuck are you talking about? Which turn is it? It’s in the shop, getting repaired. I stabled them. Is it left or right? Next to the shop. Who? The reindeer? Standing up. What noise? They only work during the day, all right? Well, not now. Right now it’s always day. Oh, shit, Sage Terrace. What is it with you, anyway? Somebody drop you on your fucking head? Well, yeah. What, are they gonna drop you on somebody else’s head? No, not onto your own… what… God damn it! Are you fucking with me? Okay, which house is it? With Jesus and his family there, or what? Right here? Nice digs. Is Daddy home? Exploring mountains, huh? How long is he gonna be gone? Yeah? What about Mommy? Well, who the fuck takes care of you then? Yeah? What’s her name?” — Will Soke
“Is Granny spry? Are you telling me that she’s the only one here? Nobody else? No aunts or cousins or uncles or anything like that? A butler or security guard or something? You’re shitting me. Does your dad have a safe? Exactly. No. Uh-huh. Does your daddy have a car? Oh, my! Oh, Mary! Jesus! Oh, Jesus. Oh, Marry! Jesus Christ! Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! You ain’t gonna shit right for a week! Yeah!” — Will Soke
“That’s right, I forgot to take my pill. Fornicate? Look, I’ve boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure, but, uh , as far as I can recall, I’ve never fornicated anybody. Before you do something stupid, you may want to think about this shit. I’m talking about firing a little black midget. A colored, African-American small person, that’s what I’m talking about. I’m talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, is what I’m talking about. I’m talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. That’s what I’m talking about. Little picket signs, chanting and raving, using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. ‘Unfair practices.’ You get me? ‘You people?’ Did you hear that, Marcus? He said ‘you people.’ ‘You people.’ Okay. Good thinking. And don’t worry about us, we’ll be fine. Let’s get the hell out of here, Marcus. You’re pathetic.” — Will Soke
“I dig that little thing in your bellybutton. What is that, like a diamond or something? Oh, yeah? Hang on a second. Check this out. You gotta… you gotta thrust. See what I’m saying? Like that. You got to move the ball around. You go up there, baby. See? Move the ball. There you go. She said she was 18. What, you shat me out of your womb? You’re my fucking mom now? I don’t need any goddamn lectures from you. I know how tom keep a low profile, thank you. Mind your own goddamn business.” — Will Soke
“Shit. Hey, Opal! Come here! No, it’s not that. Just come here, I need to talk to you. Who the fuck is in my room. Did you see somebody go in my room? Oh, shit. Marcus, it’s Willie. Listen, uh, I just got back to the motel and, uh, some guy’s in there nosing around in my room. No, but I think he’s a cop, though. Think somebody’s onto us? No, I just got clothes in there.” — Will Soke
“Yeah. No. I said I didn’t bring it, dipshit. Well, wish in one hand and shit in the other one. See which one fills up first. So, I’m gonna be staying here for a while. Uh, things are all fucked up at the North Pole. See, Mrs. Santa caught me fucking her sister and, uh, I’m out on my ass now. She got half of everything. Yeah, this is going to be cool. This will do fine. So, I’m gonna be crashing here. It’ll be just you and me, like roommates, you know? No, thank the fuck Christ. Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa. I get them on the weekends. Why don’t you go run me a bath? Would you please shut up about reindeer? Who? Oh, shit, I can’t remember. I… I think one of them is Sneezy, and there’s a Dopey and… are you shitting me? I was thinking it was, uh… uh. I don’t know. Fuck, kid, I just call them, you know, ‘bub,’ you know, I call… I say, ‘hey, bub’ or ‘chief,’ or whatever the fuck. You know, I tell them to make the goddamn toys. What the fuck is wrong with you? I can’t remember this shit! Does everything with you have to be a fucking test? No. No. I don’t want any fucking sandwiches. What is it with you and fixing fucking sandwiches? No.” — Will Soke
“What? What’s in it? What the hell is that? No, you go ahead. Jesus Christ, kid, watch the nuts! That it? That’s an awesome fucking story, kid. You go ahead. I’ll be down in a minute. I gotta go to work. Fuck me. Fuck you. You got some nerve, you little shit, you. What, you’re my mom now? What, you shat me out of your womb? Shit. Fuck you. Are you shitting me? The kid don’t have any friends, okay? He don’t even have an imaginary friend, unless he ditched him. He lives with his drooling ass old grandmother, sits in front of the TV all the time. You think she’s gonna rat me out? She don’t know her ass from last Tuesday. Jesus Christ, is everything fucking sex with you? What are you, Sigmund sawed-off fucking Freud? That’s fucking great. Fuck. I’m on my fucking lunch break, okay? You think that’s a threat? If you think you can make my fucking life any worse, you go right ahead. Be my fucking guest. Take a shot.” — Will Soke
Marcus Skidmore
“Oh, my, what a darling photo. Are you certain you only want the single? Additional photos come in handy as gifts for Grandma and Grandpa or as a wonderful remembrance for friends. Yeah, that’s the last one. Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph. You pissed yourself. Jesus. How’s it going? I’m going back upstairs. I need a melon baller and a loofah. Fuck the loofah. Let’s go. Drive! Oh! God damn it! Hell, yeah. Oh, I’m dizzy. Put me down. Put me d… come on. Put me down. Oh… come on. Oh, man. No, that’s it for me. I weigh 92 pounds, you dick.”
“You’re getting worse, you know that? It took you long enough. I remember the time when you could unlock a lock like it was nothing. Bullshit. We just made 111,000 dollars in one night. And do what? You ain’t gonna do shit except go down there and drink your fucking ass off. You’re gonna piss everything away, and end up counting the days till next Christmas. If I call you next December… if I call you next December, you’re gonna be so happy to hear from me, you’re gonna do a goddamn back flip. You’re gonna put that Santa hat on so fast that you’re gonna get fucking hatburn.”
“Willie, it’s Marcus. It’s that time of year again. Pack your shit. Phoenix. Jesus Christ! Can you maybe keep it together for just ten minutes? Thanks. You know, we’ve been at this a long time and all, so we’d like to think we do a good job. Yeah, thanks. We’ve been at this for years… you got nothing to worry about. Oh, no… Willie. Willie. Hey, Willie, take a seat. You know how you blood sugar is. No, no, no. It’s a joke. An adult joke. For us adults. It’s a joke, just a joke.”
“Merry Christmas! Santa’s coming. Merry Christmas! Santa’s coming. Yay! Merry Christmas! Have you seen that new Santa they just hired? He’s coming, guys. Santa will be here real soon. What the fuck you doing? You blow this and we’re broke for the whole year. So, stop acting like you know something, ’cause, pal of mine, you don’t now squat! Now put on your hate and get out there. And try to act professional, for Christ’s sake! You’re next. What’s your name? You can tell me. I know. How about Santa? If you don’t tell him, you won’t get a present. That’s right. Come on and tell Santa about it.”
“Just don’t come into work stinking of booze again. Lollipop Guild, you asshole. Jeez, a two-year-old could flip me shit better than you. Yeah. I’m gonna stick my whole fist up your ass.”
“It won’t happen again, I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar, that’s all. If we what? Who the hell is us people? Motherfucker! Oh, you lousy, fucking motherfucker. That’s just the kind of shit that’s gonna get us pinched! But you promised no arcades. You said you’d only hustle Big and Tall. What the fuck is this, Mr. Low Profile? Ever hear of the open bottle law?”
“What guy? You get a look at him? Is there anything in the room? Anything professional? Just ditch, you idiot. You got anywhere to sack out for a while? You can’t just take up with some kid. You don’t know who’s around or what they do. You said that yesterday, you stupid fuck. You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot-eating shit that has ever slid from a human being’s hairy ass. What if the kid has one of those fucking play dates they have now? You fuck her? With me? I fuck one person. I ain’t out there serial fornicating, trying to float my liver, drinking myself silly ’cause I can’t stand what a piece of shit I am! Yeah, that’s right, go ahead, talk about my height. Make it about something safe, ’cause you’re an emotional cripple. Your soul is dog shit. Every single fucking thing about you is ugly. Come on, Lois, let’s get out of here.”
Gin
“‘Fuckstick?’ Little friend? ‘Little people,’ that’s what they like. So, ‘fuckstick.’ That’s it?”
“Yeah, right. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Unfair practices. Special pleading. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Fucking broads. Well, sure. Santa fucking someone in the ass. Yeah, I get you. Shit, yeah. There’s always something.”
Thurman Merman
“It’s not real. How did you get sick? Mrs. Santa? What’s it like in the North Pole? Which one? You are really Santa, right? Okay. Leave Santa alone! Leave Santa alone! Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Why do you need a car? This car. Sage Terrace. Where’s your sleigh? Where are the reindeer? That way. Where’s the stable? How do they sleep? But the noise. How do they sleep? From the shop. I thought it was always night at the North Pole. Then how do they sleep? On my head? How can they drop me onto my own head? That one. No, the one beside that. Yeah, that one. He’s on an adventure, exploring mountains. He’s been gone a long time. Till next year. She lives in God’s house, with Jesus and Mary and the Ghost, the long-eared donkey and Joseph and the talking walnut. Grandma. Grandma.”
“Grandma? Grandma? Santa’s here. Are you spry? Nuh-unh. Do you need money to fix your sleigh? Do you want milk and cookies? Should I fix you some sandwiches? Bye, Santa!”
“Santa! You’re bringing my present early? But I never told you what I wanted. Okay, good. I want a stuffed elephant. A pink one. Okay. Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids? What about the elves? What about the reindeer? What are their names? The elves. That’s the Seven Dwarfs. How old are they? You want cookies? Warm milk? Should I fix you some sandwiches? Okay. Do you want anything else? Okay.”
“Santa? I brought you some orange juice. Oranges. Look what I have. An Advent calendar. It’s the story of Christmas, but in a calendar. Every day you peel open a new box, you get part of the story, and then there’s chocolate inside. Do you want to open up today’s box and read it? ‘So, Joseph went out from the town of Nazareth, in Galilee, to Judea, to Bethlehem, the town of David. In those days, Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. Everyone went to his hometown to register.’ Yup. There’s more to it, but we have to wait till tomorrow. Do you wanna eat the chocolate? Are you coming downstairs?”
Sue
“Mmm. Another, uh, grandad, Santa? Yeah? Got a name? So what do you do, um, you know… after the holidays, I mean? Oh. Another? Merry Christmas. Not a big talker. Buy you one? Happy New Year. You’re pretty regular for a Santa. Prove it. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. No! I love the hat! I love the hat! Yeah! I’ve always had a thing for, um, Santa Claus. In case you didn’t notice. It’s like some deep-seated childhood thing. Yeah. It is like that, though, you know. From when you’re a kid. ‘Cause my dad was Jewish and we didn’t have Christmas, so it was like this forbidden… …thing. So… I like you. Don’t mothball that suit.”
Lois
“Marcus, you get the loofah?”
“Just looking.”
Milwaukee
“There’s Santa Claus over there. Wow. I wanna hug Santa. Gee, you know what? This one, I think it’s more than enough. Thanks. Merry Christmas. A drum set. I saw you at another mall. You’re not really Santa. If you were Santa, you could do magic. A new bike. Attention, shoppers. The store will be closing in five minutes. We hope tomorrow’s a pleasant Christmas, and thank you for shopping with us. Yeah, all right. Yeah. Hey, happy holidays. All right. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Get home safe. Hey. Yeah, okay. No, I… I don’t care what he says, we’re going out for beer. I’ll get right back to you. Pants are awful baggy. You got anything in there? Keep pushing me. I got my eyes on you. All the time. Can I get you guys two more?”
Miami
“Hey, asshole, how many times I got to tell you? Get out from behind my bar! Put the drink down right now! Put this drink down right now! Fuck me, huh? Oh, hey. Get the fuck out of my bar! Wait… get the fuck out of here right now! Here you go, sweety. You do? Wow. Five dollars. Thanks. I’m a dancer. I sweat. Fuck you.”
Phoenix
“Harrison, just let me explain, please. Financially… well, you get what you pay for, Chipeska. Five Christmases I’ve been here, and now what? Now you flip me for some stranger who’ll do it for peanuts, and who happens to work with a real midget? Well, let me tell you something. Nobody cares. Nobody comes here for the elf. Santa’s the attraction! I do Burl Ives songs. Does this schmo even play guitar? Look, uh, Harrison, it’s not about the money or the midget. Believe me, if it was, I… I don’t think they like ‘midget.’ I think you’re supposed to call them, um… oh, just forget it! Hacks! Hi. Bob Chipeska. Welcome. Great photo and resume, by the way. I’m so glad you guys could come in on such short notice. I must say, your look is just sensational. You two are the best men for this job, truly. So, don’t let his unpleasantness affect your performance in any way. Yes, uh, your performance. You know, the, um… excuse me? I’m sorry. Your gear? He’s not going to say ‘fuckstick’ in front of the children, is he?”
“Yes, I… I thought it was very strange, too. Uh… but… so, as our security chief, I wanted you to, you know, be aware. But, uh, you know, his little friend promised he wouldn’t say it in front of the children. Which is fine, because, you know, uh… there is an adult world and a child’s world, and that’s okay. I’m no censor. Yes, he’s… he happens to be a dwarf, or midget. I don’t know what he’s called exactly, but, uh… he’s a little guy. Little Billy Barty, God rest. But thin fingers, not the fat sausage fingers. Yes, uh, right. Yeah. Yeah. He’s back there, drunk. Nintendo Deer Hunter III. Um, Santa? Um, Barbie. Say cheese. A Fraggle-Stick car. Fraggle-Stick car.”
“Hey, check out this loser. Hey, fat-ass, how you doing today? Hey, loser. Hey, dipshit. Moron. Hey, loser, how you doing today? Dumbass, why don’t you turn around? You know what? Fuck this. I’m not gay. Buddy? I said, ‘I am not gay.’ Yes, but that isn’t what this is about. You’re as queer as a ten dollar bill. Stop, elf-fucker! Turn around, elf-fucker! Who’s the bitch now, Santy Claus? Faggy Claus! Little boy, don’t interfere. I’m doing this for all of us. Ass clown!”
“Oh, Roger, you’re home. Let me fix you some sandwiches. Keep going. Whoa! Keep going. Oh! Yeah! It’s… it’s not just the swearing. Um… forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um… fornicate? Yes, with a heavyset woman in the Big and Tall dressing room? Yes. Well, even still, I think it’s best for all parties considered if we… well, I have someone else interested in the position. What are you talking about? No. No, no. This is not a handicapped thing. I… I have nothing against you people. Wait, no, no. I… you don’t under… what? He… no, no. Um… you know, I think it’s best if… if we just forget we had this conversation.”
“It’s a bellybutton ring. A couple of days ago, I was in, uh, women’s Big and Tall… and, uh, I heard these… um… you know, these noises… and I heard a woman screaming, ‘yeah! oh, yeah!’ And I heard his voice saying, ‘that’s right. You ain’t going to…’ ‘S-H-I-T right for a month.’ Now, don’t get me wrong. I… I’m… I was against the Clinton impeachment. What a man does with his own penis… Oval Office, Women’s Big and Tall is not for the American people to say. But when… you’re dealing with children… they have a tender sensibility, and you are in a position of trust, I think perhaps… someone who has screaming orgasms with large women shouldn’t… of course, I can’t fire him for that. But I just… I just can’t help it. There’s something about the guy that makes me uneasy. So… maybe’s there something I could fire him for. Do you? Do you think you could find something?”
“Uh-uh. Screw you, Willie, your kinky ass. Last time, I didn’t shit right for a week. I’m just tired of you, Willie. Ooh. Yeah. Some guy asking about you. Looked like a cop.”
“Look who’s here, Jimmy. It’s Santa. Let’s tell him what you want for Christmas. Are you insane? The management’s gonna hear about this.”
