The Good Place, NBC Network, NBCUniversal TV, Fremulon, 3 Arts Entertainment, Kristen Bell, Ted Danson

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The Good Place, NBC Network, NBCUniversal TV, Fremulon, 3 Arts Entertainment, Kristen Bell, Ted Danson

NBC original comedy The Good Place returns for its 22nd episode Janurary 4, 2018.

#TheGoodPlace has been renewed for a 3rd season.

rottentomatoes: 95%

metacritic: 78

imdb: 7.9

***SPOILERS AHEAD***




The Good Place, NBC Network, NBCUniversal TV, Fremulon, 3 Arts Entertainment, Kristen Bell, Ted DansonThe Good Place, NBC Network, NBCUniversal TV, Fremulon, 3 Arts Entertainment, Kristen Bell, Ted DansonThe Good Place, NBC Network, NBCUniversal TV, Fremulon, 3 Arts Entertainment, Kristen Bell, Ted DansonEleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, NBC Network, NBCUniversal TV, Fremulon, 3 Arts Entertainment, Kristen Bell Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, NBC Network, NBCUniversal TV, Fremulon, 3 Arts Entertainment, Kristen BellEleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, NBC Network, NBCUniversal TV, Fremulon, 3 Arts Entertainment, Kristen BellEleanor Shellstrop

Upon entering the eternal afterlife Eleanor Shellstrop initially believes that she has been ushered into Heaven, but soon finds out it is actually just a new and experimental rendition of Hell.


Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place, NBC Network, NBCUniversal TV, Fremulon, 3 Arts Entertainment, Kristen Bell“I’m great.  Thanks for asking.  Oh, one question.  Where am I?  Who are you, and what’s going on?  Cool.  Cool.  I have some questions.  How did I die?  I don’t remember.  Oof.  That’s how I died?  Okay, that’s… I get it, thank you.  Um, so who was right?  I mean about all of this?  Who’s Doug Forcett?  So… maybe my biggest question.  Am I… I mean, is this… or… well, that’s good.  Oh, did I have a purse?  No, I’m dead, right.  Okay.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“Do all the neighborhoods look like this?  There’s a lot of frozen yogurt places.  So who is in The Bad Place that would shock me?  That sounds about right.  What about Florence Nightingale?  Wow, all those amazing people down there, it just seems so hard to believe.  Cool.  So I guess that’s why my house, for example, is this adorable little cottage, whereas other people might have homes that are bigger, like that one.  I do love clowns.  Cool!  Bring it in, man.  So where are you from, Chidi?  Uh, well, I… I was born in Phoenix.  Arizona.  And then I went to school in Tempe, Arizona.  And then I moved back to Phoenix, Arizona.  Your English is amazing.  Whoa.  Mmm-kay.  Chidi.  You’ll stand by my side no matter what, right?  Promise me.  Say, ‘I promise I will never betray you for any reason.’  Good.  Because those aren’t my memories.  I wasn’t a lawyer.  I never went to the Ukraine.  I hate clowns.  There’s been a big mistake.  I’m not supposed to be here.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“Yeah, man, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t a death-row lawyer who collected clown paintings and rescued orphans.  They got my name right, but nothing else.  I mean, somebody royally forked up.  Somebody forked up.  Why can’t I say ‘fork?’  That’s bull-shirt.  I was… in… sales.  But I was very good at it.  I was the top salesperson five years running.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“You need me to lie to old people and scare them into buying fake medicine.  I get it, man.  Which one’s my desk?” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“No way.  I can’t risk going to The Bad Place.  What the fork?  Who are you?  Oh, there was a guy who lived in Avondale, Arizona, around 2002.  His name was Kevin Paltonic.  Is he gay?  Really?  Huh.  I guess he just didn’t want to have sex with me.  Well, that’s fine, I wasn’t that into him anyway.  Well, it doesn’t sound awesome.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“Does everyone have a huge house except me?  All right, we need a plan.  I say we just lie low and hope that they don’t notice me.  Come on, I’m just asking you to fudge a little bit.  You must’ve told a few white lies in your life.  I mean, what was your job?  Mother-forker!  Michael?  Hi.  What have you been up to?  Oh!  You booped me.  That’s fun.  Great.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“No way.  My entire house could fit in this room.  Uh… I don’t remember anything specific.  Look.  I might not have been a saint, but it’s not like I killed anybody.  I wasn’t an arsonist.  I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but sw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“Do you have a second to eat my farts?  Pick it up if you’re so horny for the environment.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“All I’m saying is these people might be ‘good,’ but are they really that much better than me?  Oh, forget it.  Heading to the bar! Ah, ah, ah.  Hold on there, ace.  Let me get more of them shrampies.  What?  They’re for everybody, right?  Tahani, what a condescending bench.  Am I right?  Why does she still have that British accent, right?  No one else here has an accent.  She’s choosing to have that accent.  ‘Oh, hello.  I am just a big, beautiful, utterly perfect cartoon giraffe.’  Wait, wait, wait.  I just have to go upstairs real quick and steal a bunch of gold stuff.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“Hello, creepy house that I hate.  Hello, one million clowns.  Why aren’t there stairs here?  What kind of weirdo house is this?  Ooh.  No.  Yes.  Whatever, it’s freakin’ heaven.  I’m sure they have plenty of shellfish.  That Tahani is a real butthead, huh?  Hey.  At least I can still say ‘butthead.’  Oh, she is a butthead.  Chidi… Chidi, Chidi?  I’m sorry that you had to deal with this… it’s not, though.  Do you think anybody cared that I died?  Maybe someone did, I don’t know.  I was an only child.  My parents were divorced when I was a kid.  They were both crummy people, so they’re probably… in The Bad Place.  Maybe they’re being used to torture each other.  It would work.  I bet way more people cared that you died.  ‘Cause you’re a nice person.  You’re a nice person, Chidi… Anaconda.  Aganocomonga.  Ags… say it again.  No, say what you said before.  You just changed it.  Argrugande.  Ariana Grande.  That’s a person.  I did it.  Good night.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“That can’t be good.  Of, fork.  Chidi, Chidi!  What’s going on?  Why are there giant animals everywhere?  Do you hear Ariana Grande playing?  Why is everyone wearing blue and yellow?  Oh, fork me.  Okay, okay.  We don’t know this is because of me.  Oh, hang on.  Not everybody here is perfect, okay?  Tahani is totally condescending.  And there are a couple of, you know, chunksters.  No judgment.  I’m just saying I’m not the only one with flaws.  So how can we be sure this is my fault?  Okay, fine, turns out there are many ways to know that it was me. Well, then this system sucks.  What, one in a million gets to live in paradise and everyone else is torture for eternity?  Come on. I mean, I wasn’t freaking Gandhi, but I was okay.  I was a medium person.  I should get to spend eternity in a medium place!  Like Cincinnati.  Everyone who wasn’t perfect but wasn’t terrible should get to spend eternity in Cincinnati.  Unless… there is something we can do.  Unless you could teach me.  How to be good.  That was your job, right?  A professor of ethics?  No one knew I was a problem when I arrived.  Things only started getting crazy after I was an ash-hole to everyone at the party.  Ugh.  You know I’m trying to say ‘ash-hole’ and not ‘ash-hole,’ right?  Okay, give me a chance.  Let me earn my place here.  Let me be your ethical guinea pig.  We’ll be right there, Michael!  If I walk out of here in these clothes, I’m toast.  My soul is in your hand, soulmate.  What’s it gonna be?” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“Okay, well, how about we just chill and go to the town meeting and talk it out after?  Great.  Hey, how do I make that helper woman show up?  Hello?  Front desk lady?  Magical slave robot?  Still not used to it.  Um, Janet, I need… quick question, can anyone access our search history, or is this an incognito browsing situation like when you’re stocking a hot mailman from your work computer?  No.  No, no, no, no, not porn.  I, um… I need clothes, like yours and Chidi’s with the stripes.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“Okay, things are settling down outside.  I think it’s time to… make me good, partner.  How do we do it?  Is there a pill I can take or something I could vape?  Where did you get a chalkboard?  And you chose a chalkboard?  What are you reading?  Oh, great!  So you’ve decided to help me?  Hmm.  Ooh!  On that question, I honestly think I was just put here by mistake.  Because Michael called me Eleanor Shellstrop, so he knows I’m me.  He’s just wrong about my overall ‘quality’ level.  Please, help me, man.  I swear I am worth it.  Is it racist if I say Africa?  Trick question.  You didn’t.  Dude, things have been nuts around here.  I bet you don’t know anything about me.  How did you know all that?  You should see Kendall Jenner’s Instagram feed.  Well, I think you’re wrong.  Sen…sodyne.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“Okay, names in the hate.  Time to pick a designated driver.  And the loser is… Betsy.  There’s no need.  Everyone here believes in my integrity 100%, right, guys?  For the record… I did that out of principle, because it absolutely had your name on it.  Again, out of principle.  Let it was over you, Betsy.  This is what integrity looks like.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“I can’t believe all these people are passing on flying to pick up garbage all day.  Have fun, nerds.  I’ll be soaring through the air like  a forkin’ bird.  Dude.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“Having fun, or does it maybe suck, probably?  About the same.  Hey, Gunnar!  Hey, Antonio!  Uh, yeah.  When I thought of the afterlife, I totally pictured being an unpaid, non-flying janitor.  You guys are so fun.  Just relentlessly fun.  I keep thinking, ‘when are they gonna stop being fun?’  And the answer is never.  You’re never gonna stop.  Well, I have had a pretty full day of being unselfish.  I’ve made some new friends.  My area’s almost garbage-free.  So you’re gonna help me figure out how to stay, right?  Yeah, but what do most great philosophers know?  Aristotle!  That’s my boy, right there.  He was the best.  I mean, most people agree that he was the best one.  So it sounds to me like you are onboard the ‘help Eleanor’ train.  Well, no worries.  Just hit me up when you’re done weighing my life in your hands.  I’ll just keep doing what I do best: being super considerate and selfless.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“Hey, guys.  Got it.  Full disclosure, I forgot we were doing this new system.  I got off work early.  I’ve been here for about an hour, and I’m already pretty drunk.  Good call.  Guess the only place I’ll be driving is through the giant loophole in the system I accidentally discovered.  Whoo!” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“Shouldn’t these be magical trash bags?  Oh, man, really?  Janet, I’m finished with cleanup, and I’m ready to fly.  How do I start?  People puking on roller coasters.  People puking on roller coasters.  It’s working!  Ow! What the fork?  Janet. any chance this is a scheduled trash storm?  Chidi!  Hey.  Before you say anything… that’s it, I just don’t want you to say anything.  Nothing!  It just started raining trash out of nowhere for no reason at all.  Okay, fine, fine.  My bag broke, and I ditched the trash instead of taking it all the way to the dumpster.  But in my defense, there were only five minutes left in flying and I wanted to go flying.  I made a bad choice?  We could have literally been flying, and all you wanted to do was talk about morals.  I mean, you’re like the worst part of Superman.  Come on, I mean, even you have to admit, those guys are psycho.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“Yeah, it sucks.  Yeah.  No, I meant… I meant it sucks that I can”t do it more often, you know  I actually prefer it to drinking.  Staying sober and knowing my friends will get home safe, that’s my buzz. Hey, guys, good news and bad news.  See that hot bartender over there?  He’s into me, and we’re gonna bang it out.  The bad news is, it means I can’t drive you guys home.  But I did call a cab for you guys.  But they recognized my number, and they didn’t want to come.  I’ve thrown up in a lot of cabs.  So are we good here?  Yeah, I’m good with that.  I’ll see you guys at work.  Peace!  You, let’s go.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“Hey.  How did you know I was here?  I went to all the places where I dumped trash earlier and cleaned it up so it couldn’t be traced back to me.  Okay, yeah, fine, I felt bad for stupid Gunnar and stupider Antonio and the whole neighborhood.  I felt bad about what I did.  It was a weird feeling.  Not used to it.  Didn’t love it.  Oh, wow, man, I swear I won’t let you down.  What?  No.  I did not tell you to do that.  You are loco, girlfriend.  Okay, I won’t let you down starting now.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“Michael, do you know what the best part about this place is?  You figured out how to make a to-go cup that doesn’t leak right where the seam meets the lid.  Well, I was just doing my part.  You know, and, um… since I’m special, your words, I didn’t get to fly.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“Cool.  Uh, just FYI, I’m a very loud snorer.  And I like to drip dry in the nude, so eyes to yourself, perv.  Remind me what I’m getting out of this again.  Oh, yeah.  Right.  Hey, I got you a present.  Senegal.  Yeah, but I forkin’ nailed it.  Aw. shirt.” — Eleanor Shellstrop

“What the fork, man?  Some Buddhist monk you are.  Okay, you’re right.  I don’t belong here.  Michael made a mistake.  But I’m trying, dude.  I’m really trying to be a good person.  And I think I’m chaning for the better, so just please, please don’t rat me out.”” — Eleanor Shellstrop


Michael, The Good Place, NBC Network, NBCUniversal TV, Fremulon, 3 Arts Entertainment, Ted DansonMichael


“Eleanor?  Come on in.  Hi, Eleanor.  I’m Michael.  How are you today?  Right, so, you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.  Your life on Earth has ended, and you are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe.  Thought you might.  Yes, um, in cases of traumatic or embarrassing deaths, we erase the memory to allow for a peaceful transition.  Are you sure you want to hear?  All right, so you were in a grocery store parking lot.  You dropped a bottle of something called, ‘Lonely Gal Margarita Mix for One.’  And when you bent down to pick it up, a long column of shopping carts that were being returned to the shopping cart collection area rolled out of control and plowed right into you.  No, sorry, there’s more.  You were able to grab on to the front column of shopping carts, but it’d swept you  right out into the street where you were struck and killed by a mobile billboard truck advertising an erectile dysfunction pill called ‘Engorge-ulate.’  Funnily enough, the first EMT to arrive was an ex-boyfriend of yours– oh, okay, sorry.  Well, let’s see.  Hindus are a little bit right, Muslims a little bit.  Jews, Christians, Buddhists, every religion guessed about 5%, except for Doug Forcett.  Well, Doug was a stoner kid who lived in Calgary during the 1970s.  One night, he got really high on mushrooms, and his best friend, Randy, said, ‘Hey, what do you think happens after we die?’  And Doug just launched into this long monologue where he got like 92% correct.  I mean, we couldn’t believe what we were hearing.  That’s him, actually, right up there.  He’s pretty famous around here.  I’m very lucky to have that.  Well, it’s not the heaven-or-hell idea that you were raised on.  But generally speaking, in the afterlife, there’s a Good Place and there’s a Bad Place.  You’re in The Good Place.  You’re okay, Eleanor.  You’re in The Good Place.  Sure is.  Okay, let’s take a walk, shall we?” — Michael

“So, this is how it works.  The Good Place is divided into distinct neighborhoods.  Each one contains exactly 322 people who have been perfectly selected to blend together into a blissful harmonic balance.  No, every neighborhood is unique.  Some have warm weather, some cold.  Some are cities, some farmland.  But in each one, every blade of glass, every ladybug, every detail has been precisely designed and calibrated for its residents.  Yeah.  That’s the one thing we put in all the neighborhoods.  People love frozen yogurt.  I don’t know what to tell you.  You’re gonna have a million more questions, I know.  For right now, better grab a seat.  Movie’s about to begin.” — Michael

“What happens to everyone else, you ask?  Don’t worry about it.  The point is, you are here because you lived one of the very best lives that could be lived.  And you won’t be alone.  Your true soulmate is here too.  That’s right.  Soulmates are real.  One of the other people in your neighborhood is your actual soulmate, and you will spend eternity together.  So welcome to eternal happiness.  Welcome to the Good Place.  Sponsored by… otters holding hands while they sleep.  You know the way you feel when you see a picture of two otters holding hands?  That’s how you’re gonna feel every day.” — Michael

“Uh… well, Mozart, Picasso, Elvis, basically every artist ever, uh every US president except Lincoln.  It was close, but, no, she didn’t make it.  Again, it’s an incredibly selective system.  Most people don’t make it here.  But you, a lawyer who got innocent people off death row, you’re special, Eleanor.  And by the way, welcome to your new home.  Oh, it’s perfect, isn’t it?  You see, in The Good Place, every person gets to live in a home that perfectly matches his or her true essence.  Exactly.  Oh, I’m so happy you get it.  As you can see, the interior has been decorated just as you like it, in the Icelandic primitive style.  Oh, oh, and uh, of course, you love clowns, so… now, let me show you the, uh, the video system here.  You can review everything that happened in your life from your point of view.  There we go.  This is your human rights mission to the Ukraine.  I mean, you got a ton of points for that one.  It really put you over the top.  Oh.  Chidi, come on in.  Now, excuse me.  I have other people to attend to.” — Michael

“Tell Michael about what?  Eleanor, Chidi, I would like you to meet Tahani and Jianyu.  They are soulmates and your next-door neighbors.  Oh!  Tahani and Jianyu are having a little welcome party tonight, and they’ve invited the entire neighborhood.” — Michael

“Thank you, thank you.  You all know that I am the architect of this neighborhood.  But what you don’t know is… golly, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but, um… oh, what the heck?  This is actually the very first neighborhood that I have ever designed.  I had been an apprentice for over 200 years, and my boss has finally given me my first solo project.  Yes!  And you deserve a perfect world because every single one of you is a good person.  That’s it for me.  Back to you, Tahani.  Thank you.” — Michael

“Hmm?  Ah.  Well, great question, Tahani.  No.  No, it’s not.  I have no idea why any of this is happening or how to control it.  Yes.” — Michael

“Hey, guys!  Uh… emergency neighborhood meeting, now!  Everybody, everybody!  Gather round, please, thank you, thank you.  Obviously, there’s something very wrong with this neighborhood.  We don’t know what it is, how long it will last, or what caused it.  What do we know, Janet?  Yes, thank you, Janet.  The chaos happened here.  See, there’s the trouble with these perfect systems.  One little flaw can lead to… well, it can lead to… Gary over there.  Hey, Gary.  Hang in there, buddy.  Boy, my armpits are leaking.  What is that called again?  Right, right.  Still not used to being in a human body.  And what do you do with sweat?  Do you lick it away, is that right?  Oh, right.  And then you lick the cloth?  That seems weirder.  Okay.  That’s a good sign.  It could mean that this is almost over.  Oh, such a relief.” — Michael

“All right, everyone, let’s get started.  Things have settled down.  Phew!  So hopefully, we’re off and running.  Welcome to orientation, day two.  Now, today we’re gonna start with something that everyone has always wanted to do.  Flying.  Now that you’re dead. let’s live a little, right?  Well, Tahani, it’s not really your job to clean up, but I suppose there’s no harm if you really want to.  Oh!” — Michael

“Tahani!  How goes the cleaning?  Well, thank you.  That’s very kind of you to say.  But it’s also dead wrong.  This neighborhood is a disaster.  See, I must have made a mistake somewhere.  And it led to all this chaos, and now I’m just… I’m just terrified that it’s gonna happen again.  I’m trying to put a good face on… uh, well, this face that I’ve constructed for myself.  But the truth is, I… I’m just miserable.  I have to go.  Thank you so much for your service.” — Michael

“I got no-flavor.  It’s all I deserve, really.  Look, I… I appreciate you trying to cheer me up.  I really do, but you don’t understand.  This was the very first neighborhood that I got to design.  It was my chance to prove myself, and now I’ve blown it.  Oh, Tahani, if I made one tiny mistake in my design, if there’s a single glitch in the system, if even one blade of grass is angled a fraction of a degree off… the whole neighborhood is compromised.  Whose dog is that?  guys, whose dog is that?  Whose dog is that?  See, this is one of those glitches I was talking about.  Nice try, puppy!  Phew!  That was a close one.” — Michael

“So here’s the situation, Pevita.  I kind of kicked your dog into the sun.  But I got her back.  Everything… everything seems fine.  Everyone, it is merely a construct of a dog.  It feels no pain or joy or love.  Oh!  Oh, no, no, no, no, no, it definitely feels love.  Do you actually want a dog that loves you a little bit more?  Because I can kick her right back into the sun and get you another one just like that.  Oh, boy.  I’m making things worse.  No, no, no, I’m gonna run this way.” — Michael

“I don’t know what’s happening to me.  I mean, it’s my duty to be calm and in control and I’m falling apart.  I’m not a mountain of strength.  I’m a canyon… full of poo-poo.  Oh.  Yes, yes, I understand.  The strength is inside me.  It’s been there all along.  No, of course, I can overcome my obstacle.  Oh, thank you, Jianyu, thank you.  I’m back.” — Michael

“Ah, Eleanor.  Good morning.  Oh, I’m so glad you noticed.  I was very proud of that.  One of the hardest problems I had to solve.  Eleanor, I know what you did.  Cleaning up the entire neighborhood by yourself.  I knew you were special, but this is proof.  I’m sorry.  No, I’ve had to ban flying for 1,000 years.  Too many injuries.  One resident hit a rotting turkey carcass at a 1,000 miles an hour.  It just exploded into this fireball of turkey flesh and bones and sinew.  Anyway, enjoy your coffee.  And the cup.” — Michael


Chidi Anagonye, The Good Place, NBC Network, NBCUniversal TV, Fremulon, 3 Arts Entertainment, William Jackson HarperChidi Anagonye


“Eleanor?  I’m Chidi Anagonye, and you are my soulmate.  Well, I was born in Nigeria, raised in Senegal, but my work took me all over the place.  Australia, Hong Kong, Paris.  What about you?  Mmm-hmm.  Oh!  I’m actually speaking French.  This place just translates whatever you say into a language the other person can understand.  So it’s incredible.  And now I want to say this.  Eleanor.  I have spent my entire life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the universe.  And now we can actually learn about them together as soulmates.  It’s overwhelming.  Of course I will.  Eleanor, I swear that I will never say or do anything to cause you any harm.  Wait, what?” — Chidi Anagonye

“Are you sure this isn’t you?  If you’re trying to curse, you can’t here.  I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don’t like it, so it’s prohibited.  So if you’re not this person, then who are you?  What did you do for a living?  So you’re job was to defraud the elderly… sorry, the sick and elderly?  Okay, but that’s worse.  I mean, you, you do get how that’s worse, right?” — Chidi Anagonye

“You know maybe it’s a test.  Maybe if you go to Michael and you tell him the truth, you’ll pass the test and you’ll get to stay.  Okay, well, maybe it’s not actually, like, all that bad.  Let’s just get some information first.  We’ll ask Janet.  Hey, Janet?  She’s like this walking database.  You can ask her about the creation of the universe, or history– okay, Janet, I have a question.  What is The Bad Place like.  Okay.” — Chidi Anagonye

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I can help you.  I just don’t like being dishonest, and I can’t advise you to be dishonest either.  I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy.  I’m getting stomachache.  I’m in a perfect utopia, and I’m… I have a stomachache.  This is awful.  I, uh… I think I have to tell Michael about this.  Yes.” — Chidi Anagonye

“Okay, uh… help me out here.  Tell me one good thing that you did on Earth, just one truly kind and decent act so that I can feel better about helping you out.  Let’s forget about good.  Um, just tell me something neutral about yourself.  Like, tell me about the day before you died.  What do you remember?  Oh… okay, that’s really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.  Okay, easy. Yes, exactly.  Oh, okay.  Okay.  I think it’s time to go home.  Okay, don’t do that.  Don’t do… no, Eleanor, Eleanor, Eleanor.  Did you fill your bra with shrimp?  Found some pajamas.  It’s okay.  ‘Anagonye.’  ‘Anagonye.’  ‘Anagonye.’  I did.  It’s Anagonye.  I didn’t change it.  It’s my name.  Good night.  Well, that’s terrifying.” — Chidi Anagonye

“You’re not.  You’re the only one who’s not.  Eleanor, this is all happening because of you.  Eleanor, this place is a perfectly made Swiss watch, and you are a wrench in the gears.  Actually, you’re a hammer, just smashing the gears into dust.  Oh, come on!  You hogged all the shrimp, and now there are shrimp flying around.  You called Tahani a giraffe, and now there are giraffes everywhere.  Let’s just face it, Eleanor, you don’t belong here.  Look, apparently it doesn’t work that way.  I’m sorry, Eleanor, but there’s nothing anyone can do.  Teach you what?  I got that, yes.  Oh, stomachache.” — Chidi Anagonye

“I don’t know what to do here.  This is a mess.  Morally speaking, this is a putrid, disgusting bowl of ethical soup.  Excuse me, Janet?” — Chidi Anagonye

“It’s The Good Place, you can get anything you want at any time.  The Metaphysics of Morals by Immanuel Kant.  It’s a treatise on the aesthetic preconditions of the minds receptivity to duty.  It’s a book on how to act good.  I don’t know.  There’s a thousand questions.  Is there a moral imperative to help you?  Do I have a greater obligation to my community?  Are you taking someone else’s spot, someone who deserves to be here?  Tell me one fact that you know about me.  I mean, we spent the whole day together.  You must remember something.  What country am I from?  Yes, and Africa is not a country.  I am from Senegal.  Do I have any siblings?  Where did I go to college?  I was literally a college professor.  Do you not one single thing about me?  You were born in Phoenix.  You went to school in Tempe.  You’re an only child.  Your favorite show is something called The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and your favorite book is Kendall Jenner’s Instagram feed.  Because you are constantly talking about yourself.  You are the most self-obsessed person I have ever met.  Okay, this is my fear about you, Eleanor.  You are too selfish to ever be a good person.  What country am I from, again?  That is a brand of toothpaste.  Look, the only thing that you are concerned with is your own happiness.  That’s your problem.” — Chidi Anagonye

“Eleanor and I would love to help.  You want to prove you’re not selfish?  Here’s the perfect test.  There’s something fun that you want to do, and then there’s something less fun that people are doing for the common good.  Which do you choose?” — Chidi Anagonye

“Well, that is a really tough question.  Most great philosophers would say helping you is pointless, that you can’t try to be good, especially when your motivations are so obviously corrupt.  On the other hand, Aristotle thought that moral virtue is something that you could get better at.  He… he compared it to playing the flute.  The more you practice, the more you improve.  Well, I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities, yes and no.” — Chidi Anagonye

“What did you do?  How is that a defense?  You made a bad choice.  This is a relief.  I can stop my deliberations.  You’re a selfish person, and it is pointless to help you.  You are on your own.” — Chidi Anagonye

“I saw you from my window.  That’s where I live, by the way.  Not that you ever asked.  What are you doing?  Well, it looks like you cleaned up everything.  You’re doing this because you feel bad.  And you’re not even doing it to get me to help you anymore, because I told you that’s not gonna happen.  Well, feeling remorse about being wrong isn’t as good as just doing something right, but it’s a start.  Look, I think you’re capable of change.  And I will help you try.” — Chidi Anagonye

“So I have moved out of my apartment officially and into your guest room.  Figured it would cause less suspicion and make things easier for our ‘good person’ lessons.  Okay.  Fine.  Now you got a long way to go to pull this off.  It will take hours and hours of studying ethics and moral philosophy.  We’re gonna have assignments and quizzes and papers.  It’s gonna be so much fun.  You get to avoid eternal damnation.  What?  That’s not a present.  That’s just common decency.  Good talk.” — Chidi Anagonye

“So, Aristotle was Plato’s student.  And Aristotle believes that your character is voluntary, because it’s just the result of your actions, which are under your control.  For example, right now, you have made the insane choice to ignore the person who is literally trying to save you from eternal damnation.” — Chidi Anagonye


Janet, The Good Place, NBC Network, NBCUniversal TV, Fremulon, 3 Arts Entertainment, D'Arcy CardenJanet


“Hi there.  How can I help you?  I’m Janet.  I’m the informational assistant here in The Good Place.  No.  That’s correct.  Yes, you were.  Okay.  Oh, sorry, that is one topic I’m not allowed to tell you about.  I can only play you a brief audio clip of what is happening there right now.” — Janet

“Hi, there.  It is 100% confidential.  No one can access what you ask me, including Michael.  Now, what kind of pornography would you like to see?  There you go.” — Janet

“We know where it happened.  Here.  Sweat.  No, you dab it with a cloth.” — Janet

“Have fun.” — Janet

“Five more minutes, flyers!  Five more minutes!  Hop on the launch pad and conjure an image that brings you pure joy.  Some people think of their wedding day or favorite vacation spot.” — Janet

“Hi there.  I’ve collected the worst-smelling garbage that I could find.  Do you still want me to dump it inside of Antonio’s house?” — Janet


Tahani Al-Jamil, The Good Place, NBC Network, NBCUniversal TV, Fremulon, 3 Arts Entertainment, Jameela JamilTahani Al-Jamil


“Hello.  Can I just say I love your house?  It’s just so tiny and cute.  It’s like a little child’s plaything, like or a family of mice or for a very fancy little dog.  I love it.  It’s just so sweet and teensy.  Just like you.  Boop.  I did.  Oh, I simply adore entertaining.  Don’t I just adore it, Jianyu?  Oh, yes, by the way, Jianyu here is a Buddhist monk, you see, and he obeys a strict code of silence.  So when you see him smiling and nodding, that’s actually his way of jumping up and down with glee.  Isn’t that right, darling?  So we’ll see you tonight?” — Tahani Al-Jamil

“Bravo, Michael, bravo!  And I would just like to quickly say if any of you would like to play tennis tonight, we have 36 regulation grass tennis courts.  Such fun.  Cheers.  Okay, okay, okay, okay.” — Tahani Al-Jamil

“Michael?  Is that giant, terrifying ladybug supposed to be there?  Should we run away then?  Righto.” — Tahani Al-Jamil

“Michael.  Look!  That was my first time as a fashion ‘don’t,’ and I did not care for it.” — Tahani Al-Jamil

“Uh, sorry.  Uh, Michael?  If… if I might?  I was just thinking, earlier today in all of the chaos, large swaths of this neighborhood were destroyed.  We thought perhaps some of us could volunteer to help clean up the debris.  You know, it’s quite a fun way to band together as a community, isn’t that right, Jianyu?  Oh, uh, yeah, sorry.  For those of you who don’t know, my soulmate, Jianyu here, is a Buddhist monk.  He took a vow of silence that he’s still observing, even here, in The Good Place.  It’s truly inspiring.  Oh, well, hurrah.  We need about, uh, 12 volunteers.  Ah.  Hurrah. hurrah.  Yay.” — Tahani Al-Jamil

“You know, this really reminds me of my time in Vietnam, picking up mortar shells with my godmother, Diana.  Doesn’t really matter of what she’s a princess of.  It’s not really important.  Oh, swimmingly, Michael.  And I have to say this neighborhood that you’ve built is truly a masterpiece, the likes of which I’ve never seen.  And I’ve been to Johnny Depp’s private bird sanctuary.  Oh, no.  Powerful people do not handle failure well.  Michael could be heading for a total meltdown.  Soulmate, are you thinking what I’m thinking?  Should we say it at the same time?  All right.  One, two, three.  We must help Michael.  Oh, you sly devil.  You’re going to keep me on my toes, aren’t you?  All right, come on.  Let’s go.” — Tahani Al-Jamil

“I can’t believe they’ve managed to mix one million flavors together, and yet, somehow, I can taste each individual one.  It’s remarkable.  No.  You know, sometimes a flaw can make something even more beautiful, like with Cindy Crawford and how short she is.  Okay, all right, that’s all right.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Do you breathe?  If you do, then just breathe ’cause everything’s fine, Michael, it’s fine.  It’s raining garbage.  Run!” — Tahani Al-Jamil

“No, Michael, you are a paragon of fortitude.  You’re a mountain of strength.  Jianyu, the architect of this neighborhood has just referred to himself as a canyon of poo-poo.  Surely now you will say something.  Grace us with your vocalized wisdom.  Please, I’m begging you.  You did it.  Oh, you have so much to teach me.  Maybe I should try to be silent, too.  No really, look.  Here I go.  Oh!  That was wonderful!  So cleansing.” — Tahani Al-Jamil

“It’s Jianyu.  I just can’t seem to connect with him.  I know that he took a vow of silence, but he won’t even talk to me, his soul mate!  And I adore talking.  Eleanor, you don’t know what it’s like to be in paradise and feel like there’s something just not quite right.” — Tahani Al-Jamil


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