Russian Doll, Netflix, Universal Television, Paper Kite Productions, Jax Media, 3 Arts Entertainment

Groundhog’s Day

dating nights near me original comedy telegram dating dropped Friday February 1, 2019.

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rottentomatoes: 98%

metacritic: 89

imdb: 8.2

Nadia Vulvokov, Russian Doll, Netflix, Universal Television, Paper Kite Productions, Jax Media, 3 Arts Entertainment, Natasha LyonneNadia Vulvokov

Nadia Vulvokov gets stuck inside a perpetual birthday party scenario outside of East Village Manhattan, New York.

Nadia Vulvokov, Russian Doll, Netflix, Universal Television, Paper Kite Productions, Jax Media, 3 Arts Entertainment, Natasha Lyonne“Hey, hey.  Cool jacket.  Hi.  How are you?  Oh.  Fun is for suckers, Max.  Two minutes ago, I turned 36.  Staring down at the barrel of my own mortality always beats fun.  Thank you.  Lizzy, you made that door?  Congrats.  It’s terrifying.  Fun straddling.  Hey, you’re a good person to ask this.  Do, uh– do ladies have midlife crises?  Younger?  Does she know what 9/11 is?  I mean, I smoke what?  Two packs a day.  I have the internal organs of a man twice my age.  If I make it to my low 70s, I’ll be shocked.  My cat’s gone.  Well, you know, not gone gone, but he hasn’t been back in three days.  Usually if he wanders off, he’s back at my place or the deli within 48 hours max.  No.  No, he’s not dead.  Fundamentally, he’s a deli cat.  He has survived more than the three of us can imagine.  Man, okay.  You know what?  I don’t believe in dictating the boundaries of a sentient being’s existence.  For you, it’s safety.  For me and Oatmeal, it’s a prison.  Thank you.  It’s my bad attitude that keeps me young.  All right.  Let’s make some choices.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“You got kids?  Well… hasn’t failed me yet.  I don’t want to see a picture.  Oh, from your wife?  Huh.  I have a cat.  Oh, it’s not my place.  It’s just my party.  You know, this whole building used to be a school for Jews.  Seriously.  Yeshiva students used to study the Talmud right where you’re standing.  I’m a software engineer.  You know, I freelance.  Uh, I used to work for Rock n’ Roll games.  I don’t play.  Uh-uh.  I know, right?  It’s like, don’t go chasing waterfalls.  That guy’s house.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“I think I know that guy.  Let’s get some provisions.  Okay, big boy.  All right.  All right.  Yes.  Yes.  See… now, that’s a good call.  ‘Cause my little pussy lips are allergic to latex.  Hey, Farran, how’s it going?  You seen Oatmeal?  What’s up with your friend?  You want to take a left at Disneyland, dipshit.  Avenue D and 8th Street.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Fucking seriously, bro?  Jesus.  A hardware store that closed in 1996.  Hey, I don’t want to hear about fucking your students.  I don’t like that.  That’s bold, assuming that my cat is male.  I mean, I get it, right?  I’m single and I choose to foster a pet, so it must be a pathetic attempt to fill the hole in my soul that would otherwise be filled by what?  A penis?  No, thanks.  I’m full up.  Oh, come on.  I mean, being a feline lover is not and has never been sad.  I mean, the one, in practical application, just means the one I’m gonna die with.  You know, to take care of me when I’m infirm as shit.  So, my move is gonna be to wait till I’m in like my late 60s and then seal the deal.  That is, of course, assuming I don’t die between then and now.  I didn’t know you liked this type of shit.  I thought you were a real sick fuck, but I see you’re pretty deep, actually.  I would… but… I just called you an Uber.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Hey, little one.  Come here.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Max.  What was I just doing?  Do you ever think it’s weird?  You know, just, like, partying in an old Yeshiva school?  Because this was once, you know, a… sacred place.  Oatmeal… is gone.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“You got kids?  A son.  You have a son.  I think I have amnesia.  You know, it’s a myth that fish have no memory.  Some fish… they can remember months.  And a channel catfish can remember hearing a human announcing food up to five years after last hearing it.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Didn’t you used to have more fish?  No, they’re alive.  Hi, Ruth.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  I was gonna go home and fuck this guy, but now I just feel so profoundly empty.  Do you know when menopause starts?  I don’t know.  I was having the most intense déjà vu, like I’ve done this already, you know?  This night, this party.  No, this– this feels… new.  I think this is new.  So that makes me think that, uh, you know, maybe I’m okay.  Ruth, you know, you’re a great shrink and everything, but you’re not my shrink.  And not everything is about mom.  Mmm.  I don’t know.  I mean, she was pretty competitive.  Eh, ipso facto, maybe she would’ve been pretty excited that I was actually finally older than she ever was.  There you have it.  Top ten idea.  Top ten chicken.  I think I’m gonna throw up.  Lizzy, does this bathroom seem weird to you?  No.  No, no, no, no, no.  Not more than usual.  Uh, I can’t remember the last time I ate, but then other things are so clear.  Like they already happened and I’m doing them again.  I think I’m dead.  No, no, no.  I’m okay, I’m okay.  It’s okay.  It’s okay.  I’m okay.  Okay, thanks, Lucy.  Hi.  Honestly, I think I’d feel better if you just told me, ‘you sound like a crazy bitch.’  No, I don’t think.  I’m telling you it actually happened.  Again, not hypothetical.  Just a fact is what I’m trying to tell you.  Thank you, but I feel like we’re talking about something else.  I’m grateful that you’re complimenting me.  You’re not hearing me.  Oh, I see.  So now it’s just a metaphor for our relationship.  Ah, yeah, I did smoke one of Maxine’s joints, and I think that, uh, maybe it’s just, yeah– me and cocaine are like oil and vinegar.  I just think I’m not good at mixing substances.  Did I not say like oil and vinegar?  Is that not a fucking simile?  Okay, how are you?  I do.  In a fun way?  Sorry.  How is Lucy?  Don’t use your kid to try to guilt me to get back together.  I lost my cat.  It’s been… three days.  Really?” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Remember littering?  Eh.  I think I know this guy.  Hey!  Do I know you?  Do we know each other?  Oatmeal.  That was Oatmeal.  Let’s go.  You’re not gonna help me look for Oatmeal?  Oh, you think I need a line.  Do you know who gets mad about not being invited to birthday parties?  Little girls.  Grow up.  Jesus.  Uh-uh, cars.  Fucking Christ.  Oatmeal.  Fuck.  Oatmeal.  Oatmeal.  Come here, my little fucking baby.  My little maniac.  Who’s a little lost boy?  Yeah, you’re the fucking one.  You’re the one, baby.  I love you.  Did we do it?  Yeah, we fucking did it.  Oatmeal?  The fuck?  Fuck, fuck, fuck!” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Oatmeal.  Fuck.  Fuck.  Excuse me.  The universe is trying to fuck with me, and I refuse to engage.  Do you hear me?  I won’t do it!  And I don’t give a fuck if you disappear my cat.  What is in this?  No, man, no.  I’ve tried cocaine many times, and nothing has ever fucked me up like this did.  All right, Maxine.  If there is a chance, I mean any chance, that there is something in here other than cocaine, I really need you to just tell me.  I am not a cockroach.  Why would you call me a cockroach?  What does that even fucking mean, a cockroach?  I am dying constantly!  Ouch!  Ow!  Thanks.  Fuck you.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Fuck.  Be careful.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“That’s my drug dealer.  I gotta take this.  I’ll be back.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Hey.  Hey, man.  Well, uh… yeah, I’ve been better.  It’s smells like George Plimpton after a week-long bender in here.  That’s great.  Listen, Wardog.  Nerd.  So, listen, uh, these, uh, joints you sold Maxine… yeah.  Is there anything else in them?  I mean, something that could produce a psychedelic effect.  From your regular supplier?  Who?  All right.  Who loves drugs more than me?  Who loves orgies more than you?  You.  Uh… and yet, here I am.  I’ve tried almost every drug ever, and I can’t think of anything that would cause the kind of meltdown I’m currently having.  But if it’s not the drugs, uh, it’s me, so… yeah.  I’m a little distracted.  What’s up?  Right.  Uh… did anything weird happen to you last night?  Uh… so look, I think Maxine slipped me some weird shit last night, and I don’t know how to convey to you, to her, to anyone who really cares about me that I’m experiencing something truly terrifying, that I am fucking scared, that I’m questioning my own sanity, uh… and that I may be dead.  Hello?  Are you still there?  Uh, I don’t know.  Maybe… help me.  All right.  You know what?  Do me a favor, John.  All right?  Just start fucking other people, okay?  It’s been six months.  Oh, yeah?  I’ll believe it when I see it.  Ah!  Fuck.  Shit.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Uh… what is in this?  Okay.  Where is this cocaine from?  Ketamine?  Wow.  That– that’s great.  You know, I am happy for those cancer people, but this wasn’t a fucking cancer party.  And now I keep dying and… reliving the same night.  Yes.  I’m not fine, okay?  Uh… so check this out about my finger.  Right?  I left a mark.  Then I died.  I came back.  It’s not there.  That’s not it.  No, no, no, it’s not me.  All right, understand, all right, it cannot be me.  So, ipso facto, it has to be your shitty fucking ketamine.  Understand?  Thank you.  I am sorry for yelling.  I’m having a very hard, never-ending night.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Do not offer me that.  There is crazy-person cancer ketamine in there.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Fuck.  Fuck.  Why are you doing this to me?” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Fuck!  This some kind of sick fucking fantasy?  This is like The Game.  I’m Michael Douglas!” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Fuck!  Look, I got bigger fish to fry, okay?  I got to figure out how to get down the stairs.  Stay the fuck away from me!  I’m coming down the stairs!” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Why?  Why would you give me a joint that you don’t know what’s in it?  It is not cocaine, Maxine.  It is ketamine, and I’ve never done ketamine before.  And it turns out that it fucks me up.  Ah-ha!  I forgot.  Fuck.  Because you think I’m a cockroach.  I’m not a cockroach.  You’re the cockroach.  Because you called me a cockroach.  Maxine… I need you to help me.  You’re not helping me.  You’re not helping me at all.  You’re sabotaging me.  Oh, my God!  I am not crazy!  Okay?  I am not crazy!  You know I hate it when people call me crazy.  Look, I get it, all right?  I realize that sounded a little fucking crazy.  All right?  I’m just defending myself here.  Okay?  This is on her.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Uh, it’s a long story involving multiple deaths.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Hey, hey, hey.  All right, so, uh, yes, this building is a yeshiva, but have you ever noticed that there is an inscription over the door that is incredibly, highly creepy?  What does it mean?  No, not by choice.  Hey, come on.  Religion is dumb as fuck, all right?  It’s racist.  It’s sexist.  There’s no money in it… anymore.  Who needs it?  Maxine, come on.  Help me out.  What does this say?  This fucking guy.  You know, he put his coat over me while I was sleeping, and I’m like, ‘don’t do shit like that, man.’  You know, it’s been six months.  You don’t do that.  I could have bed bugs.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“My new theory is that it’s an incredibly dense gravitational field that’s gaining consciousness and is now deliberately fucking with us.  Kind of the black hole meets They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?  This isn’t gonna be very fun if you keep rejecting my theories.  Yeah, because it was morally simplistic and narcissistic.  I mean, the universe is moral, but it shares your views on morality.  We’ll try it your way.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Hey, Ruth, if you were gonna die today, would you be ready for it?  Like would you feel at peace with your life?  So, how do you get to just yes?  Wax on, wax off.  Tomato, tomato.  Potato, two potatoes.  All night, all day.  Right?  Come on.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Looking at these older pictures of me and mom… it just fucked me up, Ruth.  Remember when she was trying to get the Betty Boop trademark, she had the licensing company.  There was all these Betty Boop towels, Betty Boop clocks, Betty Boop watches.  What the fuck was that?  You know what, Ruth?  Seriously… humanity… a little bit overrated, no?  Other people are garbage.  Oh, God.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Chag sameach.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“Fuck, how’d you move that quick?  What are you, a White Walker?  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  Listen, listen, listen.  Between you and me, I have recently encountered death numerous times, and I come bearing some good news.  Life is like a box of timelines.  You feel me?  Suffice to say that while yes, on this plane, your wife is dead and smoking kills, somewhere she is alive and well sipping a mai tai on  a beach, uh… on horseback, smoking a cigarette, maybe with Fabio.  He’s a very attractive man, Fabio.  You’re not gonna let me in, are you?  Thank you.  Not so bad yourself, Joe.  All right.  Thanks for watching out for the neighborhood.  Yeah, sure.  Sorry for your loss.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“What is anyone’s deal?  Life is a fucking nightmare, right?  Being a person is a fucking nightmare.  And this is why I love this little fucking guy.  Come here.  Yeah, he does.  That’s right.  Hi, sweet one.  My little baby boy, you’re back.  I owe you one.  Well, I gotta go meet up with my friend, but… some other time.  We got time.  We finally got time.” — Nadia Vulvokov

“I am so fucking happy that you did not jump.  I don’t know, man.  Absolutely not.  But I can promise you that you will not be alone.  Now we get the fuck off this roof before you change your mind.” — Nadia Vulvokov

Maxine, Russian Doll, Netflix, Universal Television, Paper Kite Productions, Jax Media, 3 Arts Entertainment, Greta LeeMaxine

“Hey, birthday babby!  It’s laced with cocaine like the Israelis do it.  Are you having fun?  Don’t be morbid.  This is your party, and I’m making you a fucking birthday chicken.  You’re welcome.  Oh, yeah.  I’m the artist and you’re the factory.  She built it.  Dating?  Oatmeal, no.  Oh, he’s dead.” — Maxine

“Sweet birthday baby!  Having fun?  It’s laced with cocaine like the Israelis do it.  You’re not having fun?  You hate your party?  What?  What do you mean?  You were in the bathroom.  You mean before that?  Why would it be weird?  It’s New York.  Real estate is sacred.  What’s up with you?  Gone?  No.  He always comes back.  I don’t know.  But if nobody eats my chicken, I’m gonna fucking kill myself.  Oh, thank you.  Okay, let it go.  Let– let that go.  It’s a party.  Come on.  We’re dancing.” — Maxine

“Hey.  What?  No.  I have two, Ketchup and Mustard.  Are they right-side up?  Okay, I’m gonna make another chicken.  Will you guys eat another chicken?  Oh.  I got this at a Circuit City liquidation sale, but I put my own projections onto it.  It’s a little geeky, but… I think you guys are gonna like it.  Yeah?  Fine.  Okay.  Let’s– let’s get into it.  Okay.  This is a safe space.  I’m looking for a communal experience and not a solo performance.  Lights, please.” — Maxine

“Sweet birthday baby, having fun?  Nadia, you’re acting a little… it’s laced with cocaine, just like the Israelis.  Yeah, you haven’t even smoked it yet.  Come on, Nads.  Stop acting like such a victim.  You’re  a cockroach.  You can eat anything, take anything, do anything.  It’s impossible to destroy you.  You’ll never die.  Nads, if you’re gonna act like this, then maybe you should just leave, okay?  Don’t bail on my party for you!” — Maxine

Lizzy, Russian Doll, Netflix, Universal Television, Paper Kite Productions, Jax Media, 3 Arts Entertainment, Rebecca HendersonLizzy

“Oh, my God, that bathroom, so killer.  That door… straight fire.  No, she made it.  Thank you.  You having fun, birthday buddy?  Why?  ‘Cause I’m dating a younger woman?  Fine, fucking a 22 year old.  Does anyone?  Aren’t you a little young for a mid-life crisis?  What do you mean gone?  It’s New York City.  You can’t let a cat outside.  You can’t.  Okay, maybe you should consider making Oatmeal a strictly indoor cat… to be safe.  However old you feel, Nad, you definitely sound 22.” — Lizzy

“What’s up with the baby?  Max, the bathroom looks straight killer.  Is it vaginal enough?” — Lizzy

“What the fuck?  Oh, hey, Nad.  Are you okay?  You drink too much?  You smoke too much?  Sees a Fellini film once.  John, yeah, we’re all good.  Nad’s just a little under the weather.  Oh, well, she’s the birthday girl and he’s her ex, so if I were you, I’d get a backup plan.  You guys aren’t out in 20 minutes, I’ll tell the line to wait longer.” — Lizzy

John Reyes, Russian Doll, Netflix, Universal Television, Paper Kite Productions, Jax Media, 3 Arts Entertainment, Yul VazquezJohn Reyes

“Hey, are you okay?  Hi.  No, I just want to understand.  So… you think you were hit by a car while you were chasing your cat, and now you’re reliving your birthday?  Okay, well, let’s say that you were actually hit by a car.  So somebody who was actually struck by a vehicle maybe would have marks or something.  But you, right now, look fantastic.  In fact, you look beautiful.  I’m not– I’m just saying it didn’t seem like it affected you, whatever this thing that happened– my point is, is that you’re okay.  Or metaphors.  You really want to know?  Well, my divorce is straight up harrowing at this point, and… the last six months of my life have been an onslaught of personal failure and, uh… other people’s misery.  She’s gonna be fine.  But… I miss you very much.  Don’t use my kid to ease your guilt.  What do you mean?  What happened to Oatmeal?  Doesn’t he go out down to the park and to the deli, like stuff like that?  You want to go find him?  Yeah.” — John Reyes

“Remember Dinkins?  Sounds like you guys have a lot in common.  Hey!  What are you doing?  Did you not see that car?  No, we’re not going anywhere, okay?  I’m taking you home.  You need sleep.  I thought Oatmeal was a line you were using to get me to go home with you.  This is you we’re talking about.  I wouldn’t have known it was your birthday party if Maxine hadn’t texted me.” — John Reyes

Mike Kershaw, Russian Doll, Netflix, Universal Television, Paper Kite Productions, Jax Media, 3 Arts Entertainment, Jeremy BobbMike Kershaw

“So when people say working class, what they really mean is people who can’t afford to go to college.  So these people, they feel sidelined by the American dream, right?  So they resort to xenophobia and the bigotry, which the right stokes with pundit bullying, which is why we’re in the situation we’re in now.  It’s people voting against their own interests.  They don’t know– what is that?  Your pick-up line?  Yeah, I’ve got a son.  It’s not a picture, it’s a text.  His mother and I split up last year.  Your place is great.  Right.  What do you do?  No shit.  I play Dark Justice all the time.  Battleground Blackout too.  What’s your handle.  You don’t play.  Jesus, you’re wet.  Lisa Left Eye Lopes was always my favorite because she burned down… that’s lambskin.  Well, good, then.  Where’s the guy.” — Mike Kershaw

“You all right?  Worries me a bit.  Where did you send them?  I don’t know why anal play is still so taboo for straight males.  It’s almost parodic at this point, but… it’s like I tell my students… this whole thing’s for your cat?  A tree at the top, cat’s at the bottom.  He’s a climber, I guess.  So what do you want me to do?  Call you a sad cat lady so you could say you aren’t one?  Why didn’t you talk like this before we fucked?  Why don’t you come over here and sit on my face right now.” — Mike Kershaw

“It’s like John Updike said, ‘Every marriage tends to consists of an aristocrat and a peasant… of a teacher and a learner.’  Since my ex has tenure at– what is that, your pick-up line?  Have we met before?  But you just remembered something.  Amnesia means you forget stuff.” — Mike Kershaw

“Look, I’m at a work thing, so just call me when you get back into town.  I miss you, too.  Okay, bye.  Oh, whoa, whoa!  Whoa, whoa, whoa.  You almost took us both down.  Be careful.” — Mike Kershaw

Ruth Brenner, Russian Doll, Netflix, Universal Television, Paper Kite Productions, Jax Media, 3 Arts Entertainment, Elizabeth AshleyRuth Brenner

“The fucking stairs almost killed me.  Nothing in this world is easy… except pissing in a shower.  Happy birthday, muffin.  And, no, no, I am not late.  No, it’s only 11… ish.  Uh, why don’t we… sit crooked and talk straight.  This conversation?  This was always gonna be  tough birthday.  But I think she would’ve been proud you made it to 36.” — Ruth Brenner

Farran, Russian Doll, Netflix, Universal Television, Paper Kite Productions, Jax Media, 3 Arts Entertainment, Ritesh RajanFarran

“Wait for me in the back.  It’s okay.  Hey.  Ah, it’s been better.  Came to get smokes?  Uh, not for a while.  Um, I leave the Meow Mix back there, but, uh, nothing.  He’s having a rough night.” — Farran

Alan Zaveri, Russian Doll, Netflix, Universal Television, Paper Kite Productions, Jax Media, 3 Arts Entertainment, Charlie BarnettAlan Zaveri

“I’m– I’m pretty sure that it’s purgatorial punishment for being a bad person.” — Alan Zaveri

Horse, Russian Doll, Netflix, Universal Television, Paper Kite Productions, Jax Media, 3 Arts Entertainment, Brendan Sexton IIITransient Hobo (Horse)

“Hi, do you have a quarter?  Hi, do you have a quarter?” — Horse

“What?  Fuck off!” — Horse

Beatrice, Russian Doll, Netflix, Universal Television, Paper Kite Productions, Jax Media, 3 Arts Entertainment, Dascha PolancoBeatrice

Lucy, Russian Doll, Netflix, Universal Television, Paper Kite Productions, Jax Media, 3 Arts Entertainment, Tatiana E. RiveraLucy

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