Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment

Married Couple

Netflix original film Murder Mystery dropped Friday June 14th, 2019.

#MurderMystery broke Netflix viewership records.

rottentomatoes: 45%

metacritic: 38

imdb: 6.0

Audrey Spitz, Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment, Jennifer AnistonAudrey Spitz

Hair Stylist Audrey Spitz and her husband Nick solve a murder case outside of Monaco City, France.

Audrey Spitz, Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment, Jennifer Aniston“Yeah.  I don’t even– I can’t even remember the last time that Nick did anything even remotely romantic.  I mean, he used to leave me, like, cute little mixtapes, little loves notes in the bathroom.  I mean, they couldn’t make it any easier.  No kidding.  I mean, tomorrow is our 15th wedding anniversary.  I’m still waiting on that trip to Europe he promised me on our wedding day.  Yeah.  I could’ve walked to Europe by now.  I just don’t want to have to tell him.  I just want him to know.  I know.  Ugh.” — Audrey Spitz

“It’s not good for that.  It depends on what time of year you go.  Hey, hey.  Nick.  Nick.  What– what’s wrong with you?  No.  Holly, order another drink.  That’s not funny.  Really?  Did you get another hot case?  Wait a second.  Oh, my God.  What is this?  Jimmy!  Oh, my gosh.  It’s gorgeous!  Wow, Jimmy.  Yes, I bet you did.  I can’t wait.  Fifteen.  Yeah.” — Audrey Spitz

“I’m flossing.  And I’m not sleeping with the fan on tonight.  I hate that sound.  How come we haven’t gone to Europe, Nick?  You have to explain this to me.  We never go anywhere.  What?  The Poco– that was– that was for a funeral, Nick.  Ugh, Nick.  Come on.  I’m talking about that postcard.  You don’t remember that?  It’s been 15 years, Nick.  I don’t know what we’re waitin’ for.  What?  What’d I do?  No.  Oh, my God.  I have chills.  Oh, my God!  Oh, my God!  Oh, my God!  I’m so– I ruined your surprise!  I love you!” — Audrey Spitz

“We can afford it, right?  This is all– okay.  Right.  Hello.  Hi.  Yeah.  thank you.  I’m so sorry.  Who’d you call?  Really?  Who did you try to call?” — Audrey Spitz

“It’s never the butler who did it.  Would you just please, please shh?  Leave my books alone, okay?  Just let me read.  I just like– makes me happy.  Are you okay?  You’re cranky.  Are you bored?  Take a nap.  Wait, don’t– but just, please, don’t– don’t lay all the way back.  No.  It’s not your chins, okay.  It’s just rude.  Yes.  Okay.  ‘Cause you splay out.  And then your seat is in, like, the lap of the guy behind you.  So just be considerate of everybody.” — Audrey Spitz

“Oh, excuse me.  Hello.  Hi.  Could I please have some earplugs?  Nine dollars?  For earplugs?  That’s okay.  I’ll just– I’ll just use my peanuts.  I’ll just– oh… mm.  Jesus.  Yes.  I– yep.  I know, right?  I just cannot sleep on these things.  Actually, it’s my–  it’s my honeymoon.  Thank you.  Dead.  Asleep.  He’s dead– dead asleep.  We’ve actually been married for 15 years, but we just have been very, very, very, very busy.  Yes.  Oh, yes!  Of course.  Of course it is.  I’m so sorry, yes.  I will head back to the lower class cabin and sit where I should and, uh… shovel some coal.  Whoa!  Charles Cavendish?  Is that your real name?  I mean, that sounds like it just fell right out of a… mystery novel.  Name like that, you’d have to be the bad guy.  Okay, so your fiancée… …leaves you… …for your elderly uncle– tawdry.  Malcolm.  Uncle Malcolm.  Uncle– Malcom Quince is your uncle?  That billionaire?  Oh, my gosh.  Seventy billion dollars.  Why?  Why would you do that?  Why would you go on their yacht after what they just did?  Oh.  Okay.  I support that.  Hm.  You made a joke.  That’s– it’s just, it’s all so tactical.  Hey!  Nick.  Hi, honey.  You’re awake.  Was your nappie good?  I know, I’m– well, I met this lovely gentleman.  I’d like you to meet Charles Cavendish.  A lord?  Oh, my gosh.  Great.  Hey, listen to me.  He is inviting us to spend the weekend with him on a yacht with his family.  On a bus.  Let me explain something.  Are you kidding me?  We would be sailing around European harbors.  Okay?  We’d be eating fresh fish.  And we’d be drinking wine.  We’d be together.  They have a chef.  His name is Maurice.  Maurice?  Maurice.  Can I talk to you for a second?” — Audrey Spitz

“So listen– what are you doing?  Honey, come on.  To have a private conversation.  Listen.  I’m just trying to understand why you are turning down the opportunity of a lifetime.  Why?  Your instincts?  the same one that told you you were about to get laid in here?  Come on!  When is the next time you and I are gonna be able to get on a yacht?  Never had that– that never happened.  Why?  I understand.  He’s a viscount, but– I know.  It’s okay.  I’m sorry.  I got lost.  I got swept up in it.  But it’s okay.  We’re gonna do the bus.  It’s gonna be great.” — Audrey Spitz

“Thank you.  Cavendish!  We’ve changed our minds.  We’re gonna come.  Hello.  Thank you.  Thank you.  This is amazing.  What?  Bigger than this?  I bet that’s Cavendish’s ex-fiancée who left him for his uncle.  Uh, I don’t think we’re supposed to talk to him directly.  Let’s wait for dinner.  I don’t– honey, it’s later.  I don’t know.  It’s Europe, okay?  Oh, baby, this is like a painting.  It just doesn’t look real.  Oh, my God!  Wow.  Look.  She’s so pretty.  She’s that kind of pretty that you don’t really know what country she’s from.  I mean, I can’t tell.  Can you tell?  Shh.  Nice to meet you.  Pleasure.  She deserved that.  She is not nice.  You’re hurt.  Thank you for having us aboard, sir.  Yeah.  Oh.  We go back to six hours ago?  We met on an airplane.  He was very nice to include us.  Up here?  This keeps going up?  Wow.” — Audrey Spitz

“‘Sex-crazed oldster Malcom Quince wed 23-year-old ski instructor Suzi Nakamura this week.’ ”Why would the Tokyo-born tart trade downhills for dentures?  Perhaps the $70 billion his son, Tobey, was set to inherit.’  Oh, my God, baby.  We are literally right in the middle of a TMZ story.  Sorry.  No.  Stop it!  I’m allergic to stuff.  Would you please grab me the Claritin?  Baby, that’s Allegra.  You said you packed Claritin.  No, honey.  Allegra doesn’t work for me.  It’s not– it’s gonna be called something else over there.  I’m telling you.  Just remember, we– the blue box.” — Audrey Spitz

“Smile.  Look at him.  Why is he torturing himself like that?  I mean, she’s already married to Malcolm.  I don’t know what else he’s expecting her to say to him.  I know.  It’s incredible.  Aud– Audrey.  I’m Audrey.  No, you didn’t.  And there’s the bra– there’s guns coming out of your bra.  Okay.  Hey, hey, hey.  Let’s go put on some sunscreen ’cause it’s– no, we’re gonna– we’re gonna reapply the sunscreen.  We’re gonna reapply.  So nice to meet you.  He’s so excited.” — Audrey Spitz

“Look at that.  It says that her last name isn’t even really Ballard.  How do you just come out looking that beautiful?  No!  People really get their chins done?  Huh!  I love you for who you are.  Although it’s an option.  Do you believe were on a boat where the guy said, ‘I’m gonna go have a conversation with the Maharajah?’  Is this real?  Oh, honey, honey, honey.  Okay, um, don’t look right now, but there’s a really scary man with an eye patch… …who’s just staring right at us.  I said don’t look and you can’t not do it.  All right.  Okay.  He’s walking at us.  Honey, honey.  Hey.  Hi.  Excuse me?  Okay.  Honey, why?  Whoa!  The hand!  There’s a hand.  It’s not on his body anymore.  No.  Oh, God.  Would you stop it?  Can I ask you a question?  What exactly… is a maharajah?  No.  Oh, my gosh.  It’s so– so nice to– we’re– I’m sorry.  That was a joke.  Oh.  We were actually wondering, what exactly is a maharajah?  How do you– do you have to go to a school for that?  Oh, you’re born into it.  Nick’s a detective.  No!  God!  Nick is– well, it’s just that you’re a terrible shot.  He’s a terrible shot.  He barely got out of the academy because he couldn’t even meet, like, his minimum marksmanship skills.  What?  I’m sorry I– listen, I didn’t think that was a sensitive subject– I’m sorry I brought it up.  Never mind.” — Audrey Spitz

“Oh, my gosh.  Look at this.  Wow.  Babe.  Thank you, honey.  That’s so sweet.  Everybody’s in tuxedos.  I wish you’d let me pack.  Hi.  Hi, there.  What are we wishing you good luck for?  What?  No, no.  Just met us once.  I’m Audrey.  So you’re a race car driver.  Wow.  How do you get into something like that?  You don’t speak English, do you?  Okay.” — Audrey Spitz

“What’s that?  God.  Nick’s grandmother gave us a toaster from Sears.  So the legend says.  What’s that?  We’re the– uh, I’m Audrey, and Nick Spitz.  We love the boat.  It’s beyond.  Never seen anything like this.  I’m so sorry.  Would you like us to leave?  Out– out of the room, Nick.  Okay.  So we’ll stick around.  Can’t get this on a bus, baby.  I know it.  You’re welcome.  Shh.  Oh, God!  Oh!  Will you listen to my husband?  He’s a detective.  Uh– mm-mm.  Okay.  What’s next?  So we should then start questioning the suspects.  Yeah?  Yep.” — Audrey Spitz

“Wait a second.  What on earth is on these?  I mean, they live so well.  God.  All right.  Where were we?  Okay, okay, okay.  You know what?  There had to be two people in on the killing.  Because how could they know when the lights were gonna go out?  Right?  Are you kidding me?  Nick.  Honey, come on, seriously.  Who do you think did it?  Who?  No.  No way.  Not a chance.  It’s too obvious.  The most obvious suspect is never, never the killer.  Why did you just use that as an example?  And I disagree.  I think people are more complicated than that.  Which is exactly why he’s not the killer.  That’s so convenient for you.  So convenient for you.  What about the lights?  Shh!  No.  Who turned out those lights?  What?!  Oh!” — Audrey Spitz

“Why did you lie to me?  With me?  Why?  I– I could’ve helped you figure that out.  That’s why we’re together.  Remember when I couldn’t pay my rent at the salon, and then you were like, ‘oh, okay.’  You got that boot off my landlord’s car.  That got me another week.  Remember when your cholesterol was through the roof?  And then I made you eat egg whites?  You hate egg whites.  And I made you do it, and I did it with you.  That’s right.  That’s what we do.  We do things together.  So can we please just figure this out, too.  But Nick, we know who didn’t do it.  All right?  So let’s just go downstairs and act like we figured it out.  All right.  If we’re gonna look confident, we’ve gotta dress it.  What?” — Audrey Spitz

Nick Spitz, Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment, Adam SandlerNick Spitz

“Wouldn’t a mirror tell you the same thing?  Okay.  Yeah.  I can’t.  I gotta run a few errands.  I… got the results back from the detective exam.  You know, you should go around and speak at schools.  that was very inspiring.  I don’t get it, man.  I know all the answers, I just freeze under pressure.  You know, I can’t take the exam for, like, three more months, so I gotta continue lying to Audrey.  So when we’re at dinner, tonight, please, tell your wi– you don’t have to lie, just tell her to ignore when I’m lying.  That’s it.  Thank you.  See you tonight.  I gotta get Claritin.  Claritin.” — Nick Spitz

“Let’s go with the $50.  Claritin… are you gonna tell ’em about the stuff in your backpack?  I like your sneakers.  They must be expensive.  Is that why you can’t afford the Monster Energy Drink or the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos?  Hang on.  Hang on.  I can’t believe I was right.  Old man.  Oh, my God.  First of all, I should throw you in jail just for calling me ‘old man,’ but you bring that stuff back, I’ll let you go ’cause I’m late for dinner and I’m hungry as shit.  Go ahead.” — Nick Spitz

“No.  We’re gonna have another one?  I’m just saying, we’re paying today.  Maybe you can take it easy a little bit.  Order as much as you want.  I was joking around.  The reason– I’m just in a great mood because I had a great day today.  Did we have a great day or what?  ‘What?’  That was good.  No, listen.  Going great, kid.  I promise you.  It’s like, uh, they’re trusting me more and more, and I, um, I wish I could tell you what it was, but it’s– it’s confidential.  What?  What is that?  I got you something special.  I promise, you’re gonna be very happy.  Absolutely.  Here’s to true love, guys.  True love.” — Nick Spitz

“Dinner was insane, but that’s expected.  But I’ll tell you what, I want to record Holly chewing her ice cubes, use it as my alarm in the morning.  That’s– guarantee me of wanting to wake up and leave.  What’s the matter?  You didn’t like that joke?  I can see that.  You’re doing it extra hard tonight.  No fan necessary.  We’ll crank the AC, babe.  Uh-oh.  What, what, what?  You’re gonna yell at me?  I can see this.  Hang on.  Why don’t you do some more angry flossing?  We travel.  I took you to the Poconos that time.  How about, uh, when we went to Virginia when my uncle was in a hospice and we got to see him die?  We did that.  I remember it.  Of course I remember it.  Now you’ve gone and done it, Audrey.  I told you I had something big for you at dinner, and you couldn’t wait till tomorrow morning?  We’re finally going to Europe.  Happy anniversary.  Shh.  You didn’t ruin anything.  You’re the greatest.  You deserve it.  I love you.  It’s still a surprise.  I swear.” — Nick Spitz

“We can afford it, of course.  I’m getting my raise this year.  We’re all set.  Come on.  So, uh, we are on our honeymoon, and I was wondering if we could possibly get an upgrade because I have miles.  Maybe– I don’t even know if it’s from this airline, but do they expire, or– we did try advance.  I tried calling.  And, um, nobody– crazy busy signals.  It’s the busy signals!” — Nick Spitz

“I don’t want to give it away.  It was the butler.  The butler did it.  I don’t even think there are butlers.  That’s just a word created for those goofy books you’re addicted to.  I’m gonna go to sleep.  Are you okay with that?  Don’t take it back.  Why?  You don’t want my double chin to show?  All right.  I’ll stay up.  Thank you.  Timber.” — Nick Spitz

“Holy shit!  This plane has a bar?  There’s bars on planes now?  This is– man, I wish my mother was still alive to see this.  She was an alcoholic, but a nice one.  The cops.  So that’s my wife talking to that handsome guy over there with the one chin.  So I’m gonna break that shit up, possibly grab myself a beer, maybe you a Xanax.  Yeah, that’s true.  How are you?  Been awake.  I was looking for you.  Oh, yeah?  He’s a lord.  Right?  Oh.  There you go.  She gets confused with me too.  Sometimes I’m the king.  Sometimes I’m daddy.  So… can I get a Labatts, brother?  I’m not just taking a beer from somebody I don’t know.  Hey, I’m not just gonna stand here while you offer to pay me to have sex with my wife.  But out of curiosity, how much are we talking?  I wouldn’t do it.  What?  Well, we have plans.  A bus that is bound for the idyllic village of San Grigio, where we can watch a demonstration on how they age ham.  Tell me what I’m missing.  Go.  Yeah.  Right.  Hmm.  That’s nice.  They have a chef.  ‘Some people call me Maurice.’  Remember that one?  Sure.” — Nick Spitz

“I gotcha.  Why would two adults come into a bathroom on an airplane?  Ah, that’s funny.  Because I don’t trust that guy.  ‘Cause instincts.  I’m not getting laid?  I’m just saying, all those times we’re eating ham sandwiches and you’re always asking, ‘how do they age the ham?’  We’ll never ask that question again because we’ll be in San Grigio.  They’ll give us the reason on how they do it so perfectly.  Okay.  You wanna know the truth?  You’re breaking my heart.  I feel like a schmuck because I’ve been working my ass off and saving money, and now you know why.  It was to take us on this trip.  And I know I’m not a duke.  I don’t even know what that is.  I love you.  I know.  We’ll do the bus.  You’re gonna love the bus!” — Nick Spitz

“Let’s do the– we’ll do the yacht, okay?  All right.  I thought it was gonna be bigger.  I did.  I really did.  Oh, okay.  I’m starving.  Where’s that Maurice dude.  Which is when?  The bus observes a standard American dinnertime, so… no, it’s nice– it’s– very pretty.  Ah, yes, yes.  You see?  See?  She can hear you.  She’s not a– not on television right now.  You’re watching a real person.  Great to meet you.  You’re terrific.  Actually, I started to like you.  Very good.  You came on strong.  Okay.  Yeah.  Hey, really nice.  Oh, well, her father, uh, let me use his lawnmower one time, so I know how that goes.  Thank you.  Thanks for the warm welcome.  Appreciate it.  After you.  Really nice of you.  So we go this way?  There’s another deck, hun.  Another deck!” — Nick Spitz

“Mm-hmm.  Wow.  You were right about this yacht.  Their shaving cream smells like coconuts.  It’s incredible.  You’re allergic to rich people now?  Yes.  Here.  That’s the same thing.  Oh.  Okay.  When we get to Monaco, I’ll get you your Claritin.  You know, ‘Allegra’ in, uh, French means the same shit as Claritin.” — Nick Spitz

“Yes.  How do I know you?  You’re– you’re an actress, right?  Oh!  My God!  That’s– this is incr– I’m a massive fan of yours!  Like, number one!  This isn’t– I am Nick Spitz.  This is my wife, Allison.  I can’t believe– I said Audrey!  Allison is the character she played in the– remember the one?  We watched it together.  Where it’s a beautiful lady, it turns out she’s a robot?  She’s the robot!  Yes!  So good.  Look at this, right in front of us!  I feel like I got kicked in the belly right now!  I lost my wind!  You already put the sunscreen on me earlier.  We’re putting more on?  All right.  We’ll put more on.  I can’t believe– this is great.  We’re on the same ship!” — Nick Spitz

“Well, so what?  What?  That was so directed at me, it was disgusting.  You want me to get my chin done.  And I’m not– absolutely.  Everyone’s saying it.  That was big.  Excuse me, ma’am?  Is there a Maurice here?  ‘Cause I’m hungry as hell.  He’s preparing.  Okay.  Is he ever gonna finish?  Please tell Maurice to step on the gas.  Mm-hmm?  Mm-hmm?  You say eye patch and scary, I’m gonna look.  You say eye patch and scary, I’m gonna look.  I’m sorry.  It’s physically impossible not to.  Play it cool.  Hey, fellas.  What’s up?  How are ya?  What is happening right now?  Yeah, you’re not family for sure.  Jesus.  So I see one of them was packing heat.  Was I supposed to bring a gun?  And his dick?  Did he lose his dick?  I thought maybe it was his dick.  Crazy eye patch guy needs a bodyguard?  Oh, look at this.  Now he’s smoking his dick!  He’s smoking his dick!  I’m just having fun.  It’s a boat.  Hey.  Nice– he’s giving you– respect!  That was very good.  Very funny.  Okay, born into it.  I am– what’s that?  He’s funny.  No, never shot anybody.  Which is a good thing.  Audrey is lactose intolerant.  She also burps in her sleep.  I just thought ’cause we are discussing each other’s flaws right now, you wanted to put it on the table.  It’s not a sensitive subject, I just don’t like you telling everybody we meet.” — Nick Spitz

“Whoa.  Look at this crazy.  Well, this room is as nice as the way you look.  You look stunning.  What?  I shoulda wore socks.  You’re right.  Wow.  That’s big.  No.  I mean, if you want.  Yeah, all right.  I’m gonna… …go again.  I’m Nick, and then we’re the Spitzes.  Hey, Juan Carlos.  Oh.  Hey.  We’re the Spitzes.  Great.  A boat?  I mean, this is a ship.  Eric Lamonsoff has a boat.  We go fishing.  He’s got a Boston Whaler.  This is gigantic.  We could– I don’t know how we’re getting out of here, though.  We’re– we’re out to sea.  Is there an Uber for boats?  Out of the room?  We can go out of the room, absolutely– so we stay.  Okay.  This is incredible.  Thank you.  That was funny.  Who?  He’s got a knife plunged in his heart.  I don’t think he’s revivable.  No.  It’s a foot-long knife.  It’s just like pulling– don’t put it back.  Well, for starters, let’s stop removing and reinserting the murder weapon into the victim’s chest.  In fact, let’s stop touching the body altogether.  Rifling through the pockets of the corpse counts as touching, yup.  Sorry to single you out like that, Ms. Ballard.  You’re wonderful.  You look extravagant tonight.  We have to preserve the crime scene.  Captain Wong, is there any way you can lock off this place?  We’re not questioning anybody.  Wong, when you finish locking up here, you bring me the key.  Then you radio Interpol, tell ’em we’ll meet ’em at the docks in Monaco.  In the meantime, I’m gonna check the shrimp out a little closer.  No, Wong, because I’m hungry as shit.  The rest of you, I’d lock yourselves in your chambers or your yacht rooms because one of us… is a murderer.  Audrey?  Get the cocktail sauce.” — Nick Spitz

“I don’t know.  This Maurice guy must breastfeed each shrimp individually.  Oh, God, yeah.  That’s smart, that’s smart.  I’m tired as hell right now.  I’m gonna go to sleep.  What?  You’re not jet-lagged?  Huh?  I don’t think.  I know.  It was the son.  Tobey.  The most obvious suspect is always the killer.  When a wife gets killed, 90% of the time it was the husband.  Judging off of what?  Those books that you read?  People are simple, okay?  It was Tobey.  He had the most to gain, and he also had the most to lose.  Did you ever fool around on a boat?  Do you know how much fun that could be?  I just lay here and the boat does all the work.  You know I have a bad back.  Yeah, leave ’em on.  I don’t care.  Either way.  Lady’s choice.” — Nick Spitz

“‘Cause I was… I was, uh… I was embarrassed.  I know.  Yeah, I remember.  You helped me not miss yolks anymore.  We just don’t know who did it.  Right.  If we’re gonna do that, we gotta– we just gotta look confident.  I already know what I wanna wear.” — Nick Spitz

Charles Cavendish, Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment, Luke EvansCharles Cavendish

“A fellow insomniac, I see.  So what brings you across the pond?  Oh.  Congratulations.  Where’s your husband?  Then a toast to the whirlwind that is your life.  She’s my guest.  Charles Cavendish.  I’m afraid so.  And which character would I be?  Well… here’s to the bad guys.  Hm.  Oh, be quiet.  Or we shall tell everyone about the ferret you’ve smuggled in here.  The whole thing is tawdry, I know.  He desired my betrothed, and Uncle Malcolm always gets what he wants.  Quince.  That’s the one.  He looks just like this… if this wrinkled olive had $70 billion.  I’m traveling to Monaco with the newlyweds on his yacht for the Grand Prix this weekend.  Because I’m English, Mrs. Spitz.  I’m a glutton for social masochism.  And I plan on getting blind drunk and ruining the festivities.  I say, Audrey… do you and your husband have plans this weekend? …the wine on board is worth a letter.  People don’t write letter anymore, do they?  Such a pity.  How do you do?  Well, actually, a viscount.  Although viscounts are addressed as Lord, which probably accounts for lovely Audrey’s confusion.  No, no, no.  Please.  The beer is on me.  And I do hope you take advantage of my other offer.  Maurice, yes.” — Charles Cavendish

“Splendid.  It’s only noon, Suzi, darling.  Of course I’m drunk.  so, where is your beloved, Sir Liver Spots?  You’d know more about Malcom’s entrances than anyone at this point.  I’m sorry you had to see that.  Allow me to introduce my cousin, Tobey.  Malcom’s only son and the man Suzi would have left me for, had he not been a screaming queen.  Yes.  We have a spare cabin for them, I assume.” — Charles Cavendish

“Oh, she’s had it all done.  Lips, nose, chin.  Mm-hmm.  Would you excuse me for a moment?  I should say hello to the Maharajah.  They’re my guests, Colonel.  Really?  The last time I checked, you’re not family.  Neither is Soviet Chewbacca over there.  Nick, Audrey.  Oh, I doubt it’s even loaded.  That’s Colonel Charles Ulenga of the Namibian Defense Force.  Malcom’s best friend.  He saved his life from a bombing attempt in ’94.  That’s where he lost his eye and his–and that’s Sergei Radjenko, former Spetsnaz, and his bodyguard.  Why don’t you ask him yourself?  Vik, I have some guests I’d like you to meet.  Nick and Audrey Spitz, I present the exalted Maharajah Vikram Shivan Govindan of Mumbai.  Audrey has a question she’d like to ask you.” — Charles Cavendish

“That is the Quince dagger.  Chinese steel, jewels from across the Orient.  A gift from Marco Polo, or so the legend says.  They’re my guests, uncle.  Well, you did take my plus-one.  You could’ve signed this at home.  Instead, you called us here to humiliate us?” — Charles Cavendish

Malcolm Quince, Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment, Terence StampMalcom Quince

“Captain Wong, I’d like to address my guests privately.  My friends, welcome to the Mediterranean Queen.  I can’t tell you how much it warms my heart that you have made this trip here to celebrate my nuptials.  You will find, as you get older, that you begin to take stock of life.  Not just where you’ve succeeded, but where you’ve failed.  Who… you’ve failed.  Suzi, my darling bride, who has so much of her life ahead of her.  Grace, who shines so brightly on the silver screen.  Juan Carlos, my godson, who strives to lead my race team to victory.  You– who are you?  The who?  You brought guests?  No– that won’t be necessary.  My nephew, Charles, who always find a way to keep me on my toes.  My friend, the Colonel, who’s kept me safe these many years.  Vikram, whose family fortunes have always been intertwined with my own.  And my Tobias.  All I ever wanted was a son, and here you are.  My boy.  I’ve spoken to all of you about your position in my will.  I have thought long and hard about what each of you is truly worth, and I’ve come to this conclusion.  You are all leeches.  Repugnant.  Blood fat.  Suckling on the teet of my good work for so many years.  You repulse me.  Which is why I have drafted a new will.  It states my entire fortune goes to Suzi.  from this moment forth, you are all cut off.  Abandoned.  And perhaps, after I’ve done you this kindness, you will finally be able to make something of yourselves… on your own.  Apparently, she’s had enough of my caviar.  Darling.  Yes, and you came running.  Or what?  Yes.  That’s what I thought.” — Malcom Quince

Maharjah Vikram Govindan, Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment, Adeel AkhtarMaharajah Vikram Shivan Govindan

“Yo-ho-ho!  That was very hilarious.  Ah!  With all the bowin’ and shit.  You know, when a brown person bows, white people bow back, innit?  Up high.  How about– let me hear it.  Yeah, I was born into the game.  What do you do, Nick?  Tight!  You ever wet up anyone?  Yeah, you know, like drill, bust a cap, waste.  You’re like…” — Vikram Govindan

“Yo!  Juan Carlos!  Oh, good luck, man.  Well, he is racing in the Monaco Grand Prix tomorrow.  Juan Carlos Rivera, let me introduce you to– Steve and Lady Steve.  Don’t shoot me!  Don’t shoot me, please!  Wow!  You should have left the knife in for the po-po, Colonel, man!  Yes, yes.  What should we do, Mr. Officer?  Yo.  Did he sign it?  Yes!” — Vikram Govindan

Juan Carlos Rivera, Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment, Luis Gerardo MendezJuan Carlos Rivera

“Hey!  Hey.  Juan Carlos, huh?  Good, yes.  Uh, number one, yes.  Uh, very fast.  Very fast.  Huh?  Welcome.” — Juan Carlos Rivera

Colonel Ulenga, Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment, John KaniColonel Charles Ulenga

“Who let you two on board?  This weekend is for family only.” — Colonel Ulenga

“No!  I saw someone stab him.  I don’t know.  Should we pull it out?  I’ll put it back.” — Colonel Ulenga

Grace Ballard, Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment, Gemma ArtertonGrace Ballard

“She’s saying he’s a cad… …and he’s saying she’s a tramp, and they’re both right.  All women are actresses, dear.  I’m just clever enough to get paid for it.  Grace Ballard.  Oh.  Sex Machina.  My breakout role.” — Grace Ballard

“What happened?  I heard a scr– Malcolm!  Oh, God!  Has anybody tried to revive him?  We should make sure he doesn’t have another copy on him.” — Grace Ballard

Suzi Nakamura, Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment, Shiori KutsunaSuzi Nakamura

“Japan.  Crashing the party with civilians.  Are you drunk?  Malcolm is not here yet.  You know he likes to make an entrance.” — Suzi Nakamura

“You need to stop drinking.  You’re a drunk.” — Suzi Nakamura

“You shot him!” — Suzi Nakamura

Toby Quince, Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment, David WilliamsToby Quince

“Charles.  So glad you could make it.  And you brought guests.  It’s my father’s boat.  How do you know Charles?  Well, seeing as you have so much history, I’m sure we can find some room.” — Toby Quince

“Oh, look.  Here comes daddy.  Father, don’t do this.  Daddy!  He was gonna take it all away.  For you.  No.  Suspects?” — Toby Quince

Captain Wong

“Certainly.  Yes, of course.  For the investigation?” — Captain Wong

Jimmy Stern, Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment, Erik GriffinJimmy Stern

“So I put my finger here, and check this… the watch tells me I have a heart problem.  Yeah, but this has weather, too.  We got an hour until we’re meeting the ladies for dinner.  You wanna catch a beer?  What?  You don’t want a beer?  What’s wrong?  You failed again?  This is why I never took that test.  All the anxiety and disappointment.  At some point, you have to realize you have hit your ceiling and just give up.  I should.  Kids need to hear this shit.  Ah!  No.  Come on, man.  You know I’ll lie for you anytime.  I will cover up dead bodies for you.  But if I ask Holly to lie to your wife, there’s no way we’re messing around.  It’s Freaky Friday!  Okay, fine.  You owe me.” — Jimmy Stern

“Tylenol PM?  Am I right?  It was a fabulous day.  Incredible day.  Of what?  What?  Very expensive.  Hey!  You know what, guys?  Let’s toast to my friends, Nick and Audrey.  Fifteen wonderful years.  Fifteen.” — Jimmy Stern

Holly, Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment, Sufe BradshawHolly

“That makes sense.  Can I get another?  Sorry.  Should I not order another drink, detective?  My baby Jimmy got it for me for my birthday.  Celebration diamonds.  Thank you, Audrey.  Really?  See, I would’ve pegged you, Nick, as an Amazon gift card kinda guy, but… I’m no detective.” — Holly

Hair Stylist #1

“Love notes are dead.  When my husband wants to have sex, he just texts me the eggplant and doughnut emoji.  More like a fingerling potato.  That’s been 15 years?  You know, you just have to tell him.  Yeah, that doesn’t happen.  Or maybe you could just text him, airplane, wine glass, Italian flag, eggplant, doughnut, doughnut, doughnut.” — Hair Stylist #1

Salon Client

“Oh, my God!  Look!  He took her in a helicopter?  My husband won’t even pay for Uber Black.  It doesn’t take that much.  There are guys at the intersection selling flowers.  You just roll down the window, grab a bunch, bring ’em home.  You have to tell men everything.  If you want the dishes to not go in the sink, you have to tell them.  If you want him to shower before he comes to bed, you have to ask him.  That’s why they have those signs in bathrooms at restaurants to tell employees to wash their hands.  Those aren’t for women, guys.  Those are for men.” — Salon Client

Salon Client #2

“Eggplant and donut– oh.  He’s the eggplant.  No, they never just know.” — Salon Client #2

Convenient store kid

“Mind your own business, man.  I’m paying for this.  Hey, let go of me, man.  Keep your mouth shut.  I’ll mess you up, old man.” — Convenient Store Kid

First Class Bartender

“That’ll be 17 euro.” — Bartender

First Class Passenger

“Will you two kindly shut up?” — Passenger

Flight Attendant, Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment, Jackie SandlerFlight Attendant

“Hello.  Sir, you would have needed to request that in advance.  Right this way, please.” — Flight Attendant

“Sorry, ma’am.  The bar is for first class passengers only.  Unfortunately, sir, she’d need her own first class ticket.  I’m so sorry, sir.” — Flight Attendant

“Sir, this is the first class lounge.  I’m gonna have to ask you to return to your seat.  Planes have bars now.  In first class.  Sir, if you don’t return to your seat, I’m gonna have to call–” — Flight Attendant

Flight Attendant #2

“Hi.  Yes.  For nine dollars.  Yes.” — Flight Attendant #2

Tour Bus Woman

“Hey!  Hey, Gonzales.  Where is our welcome glass of champagne?  We were promised… …a glass of champagne when we arrived…” — Tour Bus Woman

Tour Bus Man

“Zip it!  Both of you!  Will you stop that?  I know you hear me!  Shut up!” — Tour Bus Man

Tour Bus Child

“Summer hit me!” — Tour Bus Child

Belaga Attendant

“Bienvenidos.  De nada.  Señor.” — Attendant

Yacht Attendant

“Yes, sir.  He’s preparing.” — Yacht Attendant

Inspector Lecroix, Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment, Dany BoonInspector Laurent Delacroix

Murder Mystery, Netflix, Happy Madison Productions, Endgame Entertainment, Vinson Films, Denver & Delilah Films, Tower Hill Entertainment, Mythology Entertainment

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Halfway there… #girlsnight #?

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