American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS TV Studios

Yankee Hoodlum

Netflix original mockumentary American Vandal dropped September 15, 2017.

#AmericanVandal has been renewed for a second season.

rottentomatoes: 97%

metacritic: 75

imdb: 8.2


American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS Television Studios

Dylan Maxwell, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS Television Studios, Jimmy TatroDylan Maxwell

Dylan Maxwell is expelled from Hanover High School in Oceanside, California after twenty-seven faculty vehicles are defaced causing an estimated $100,000+ in damages.

Dylan Maxwell, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS Television Studios, Jimmy Tatro“My name is Dylan Maxwell, and I’m… I don’t know dude, I’m just Dylan.  Because everyone thinks I did it.  The dicks.  No.  But, like… ‘fuck you’ to whoever did.  I mean, seriously.  Like, it’s super fucking funny, so, that’s all chill, but… like, letting me get expelled for something I didn’t even do is just… it’s just such a bitch move.” — Dylan Maxwell

“Everyone thinks I did it.  Like, everyone.  Except for my boys and my girl.  Who I was with at the time.  But no one believes us.” — Dylan Maxwell

“I didn’t do it, mom.” — Dylan Maxwell

“Yeah, probably ’cause of the dicks.  I was at Lucas Wiley’s house.  We were prank calling his neighbor.  Pretty much.  I left for a bit to go to my girlfriend Mackenzie’s house, but other than that, yeah.  What did they say?” — Dylan Maxwell

“Dude, don’t say that.  That doesn’t help.  Say no.  Say no.” — Dylan Maxwell

“Oh, no, my pencil broke.  What?  Like, I like it really, really, really sharp.  It’s still not sharp.” — Dylan Maxwell

“I dabble.  I mean, yeah, I draw… a penis from time to time.  On a whiteboard.  Four times a week.” — Dylan Maxwell

“I do a lot of pranks in her class.  Like sometimes I’ll just get up and… just, like, draw a big dick on the whiteboard.  And then she’ll, like, turn around, and be like… like, ‘who drew this dick?  Dylan, did you draw this dick?’  And I’d be like, ‘no.’  But I did, and she knows.  Like, she knows I did it.” — Dylan Maxwell

“Yeah.  Of course.  Oh, shit, these are totally different.  Wow.  Yeah, I never forget the ball hairs.  It’s just– it’s such an important part of the dick.  And, like, the mushrooms head’s all off.  Mine’s way different.  I usually just do, like, a… you know?  They really… that’s like a heart, almost.  This is dope.  This is really dope, right?” — Dylan Maxwell

“Greg made me get a job working for fucking Postmates.  Postmates is kind of like pizza delivery, but it’s not pizza.  Well, I mean, sometimes it’s pizza, you can order pizza.  But usually people order, like, I don’t know, random shit.  And a lot of the time, I want that shit, too.  You know, I gotta buy someone a smoothie, you know, I’m like– obviously I’m gonna get a smoothie.  So, sometimes I lose money on this job.  But whatever.  There’s some perks.  You get free fries and shit.  No, if you take too much, they notice.  Yeah, so… fuck, I’m  gonna be here all year.” — Dylan Maxwell

“Dude.  She has it out for me.  It’s so wack.  Everyone knows.  Like, a lot, dude.  Dude, the license plate thing wasn’t me.  I swear to God.  If it was, I would admit it,  because it’s fucking funny.  But it… but it wasn’t.  Here’s the thing.  How could I have vandalized her car if I don’t even know what it looks like?  It’s physically impossible, dude.  Never seen her car.  Never, dude.  For all I know, she could have a beige fucking motorcycle.” — Dylan Maxwell

“Yeah, true.  I’d never think to do that.  You don’t.  No.  Uh-huh.” — Dylan Maxwell

“Our shit’s dope, man.  We call ourselves the Wayback Boys ’cause we go way back.  But we actually go way-er back than most people even realize.  We’ve been doing these videos… well, me and Spencer have, since we were, like, nine or even younger.  And it’s cool to actually look at the video, like, the old videos, compare them to the new videos, ’cause you just watch– you look at the difference, you’re just like: ‘damn, they got good.’  We keep getting better, man.  Like, you compare Baby Farting 2 to Baby Farting 1… huge difference in quality.” — Dylan Maxwell

“What up?  I’m Dylan.  And this is Baby Farting.” — Dylan Maxwell

“What up?  I’m Dylan.  And this is Dad Pantsing.  Pedophile!  Pedophile!” — Dylan Maxwell

“Yeah.  Right.  Right.  Yeah, yeah.  Well… yeah, no, I told them I was going to Priceless Moments, but I went to Mackenzie’s house.  No.  Right.  Well, they think I was at Priceless Moments.  ‘Cause I lied to them.  I wanted to hang out with Mackenzie, but I didn’t want them to be like, ‘you’re whipped.’  You know?” — Dylan Maxwell

“Go poop, Ruff.  I mean, look.  Here’s the thing.  I don’t talk about Mac in front of my boys.  And I don’t talk about my boys in front of Mac.  That’s why I told them I was shitting at Priceless Moments.  If I told them I was with Mac, they’d be like… just give me a bunch of shit.  You know?  And they believe I’m at Priceless Moments, because they know that’s where I go to take a shit when I’m at Lucas’ house, you know?  They know I hate Lucas’ bathroom.  He’s got one of those squishy toilets.  I don’t… she could pretty much have any gy she wants, but she picked me.  And she’s, like, hot.  Like, everyone on Twitch is always like: ‘that’s hot.  Like, that girl’s hot.’  You know?  I don’t really know what it is, to be honest, but she just makes me feel… different.  It’s kind of weird to say, I guess, but… I think I love her.  It’s just like a crazy thing to say.  But, I mean, obviously, there’s other girls… that are really hot, and have nice bodies or whatever.  But… I don’t know, man.  The way Mackenzie makes me feel is just… it just– no other girl can… make me feel like that.  And she also has, like, a way better ass.” — Dylan Maxwell

“Mac, look, look.  I’m sorry.  Ruff.  Yeah, but, like, how do we prove that, you know?  I already told them to go through my phone, and… I was like, ‘yo, do some CSI-type stuff, you know?  Track me, you’ll be able to see that I was here, and I wasn’t, you know, in the parking lot.’  But they said… I don;’t know, they said they don’t have the technology.  Ruff was here.  Yo, Ruff, tell them.  He knows I’m innocent.  Listen to him.  He knows.  Yeah.  That’s him saying, ‘don’t do this to Dylan.’  ‘Don’t do this to Dylan.  He’s innocent.'” — Dylan Maxwell

“Like, at first, I didn’t… I mean, I didn’t even think being expelled was gonna be that bad.  Like, I was almost– I was kind of excited.  I thought I was gonna be able to, like… just kick it, and go get smoothies, and skate.  You know, honestly, it’s just… now that everyone’s at school, and I’m just here… it’s actually kind of lonely.  I gotta work this shit job for half the day.  The only thing on TV is, like…  Ellen… Wendy, Tyra… all those fucking first-name shows.  Maury.  It’s just not the way I thought things were gonna go.  You know, I was gonna graduate high school… go to Boulder with Mackenzie in the fall, get my degree in, like… engineering or some shit, and then move up north, work at a snowboard shop.  I mean, at this point, best-case scenario is me and Mackenzie do long-distance.  But, I mean, that basically just means I have to jerk myself off… every night.  I mean, honestly, she’d probably just break up with me.  So, I would still have to jerk myself off every night.  Either way, I’m gonna have to jerk off myself.  I mean, I guess the worst part of this whole thing is just the fact that, like… I know I didn’t do it.  You know?  Like, I didn’t fucking do it.  But everyone is talking about me like I did.  Like, everyone.  And I’m not even there, you know?  I can’t even, like, defend myself.” — Dylan Maxwell

“Trimboli didn’t see shit, because I wasn’t fucking there.  I don’t know, dude.  Maybe ’cause he’s a little bitch.  A little bitch.  No.  No, that’s more like a fucking snitch… or whatever.  Yeah.  No, a little bitch is more like… uh, more like someone who makes shit up.  Yeah, that’s a little bitch move, for sure.  Yeah.” — Dylan Maxwell

Erin Shapiro, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS TV Studios, Karly Rothenberg

Erin Shapiro

“This is not an isolated incident.  Dylan has a history of this kind of behavior.  This administration… has exhausted all other disciplinary options with Dylan.  For the sake of the other students and their learning environment, I strongly recommend that you vote to expel Dylan Maxwell for vandalizing the 27 vehicles.” — Erin Shapiro

“Dylan.  Dylan, please.  Not today.  Dylan.” — Erin Shapiro

“Yes.  I had just given him another week of detention.  So, he must’ve wanted to get back at me.  He not only spray-painted my car, he slashed my tire.  No.  Yes, mine was the only one.  This isn’t the first time he’s vandalized my vehicle.  Yes.  There was an incident with a changed license plate.  He replaced my license plate frame with another frame that said, ‘I heart boobs.'” — Erin Shapiro

“He drew these same drawings on my whiteboard in my classroom almost every day.  This is just the last three months.  I have two years’ worth of photographs.  I can certainly present more to the board.  So, as you can see, he clearly is the young man who’s been drawing penises all over campus.” — Erin Shapiro

Peter Maldonado, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS TV Studios, Tyler AlvarezPeter Maldonado

“Uh, please state your name, and who you are.  That’s okay.  Um… uh, now, just look at me, and not the camera, please.  Dylan, why am I interviewing you?  Did what?  Do you know who did it?” — Peter Maldonado

“Consider for a moment the type of person who would spray-paint dicks on cars in the staff parking lot.  What do they like?  Who do they hang out with?  Where do they sit in the cafeteria?  What kind of grades do they get?  Is this what your imagining?  Probably not.  How about her?  Or him?  Or her?  It doesn’t seem right.  Or are you picturing someone more like this?  Yeah.  You’re not alone.  The school board thought so, too.” — Peter Maldonado

“So, here’s what we know.  Tuesday, March 15th, 2016.  It was an admin day, so, no classes were held.  Twenty-seven dicks were spray-painted onto 27 cars in the staff parking lot of Habover High School in Oceanside, California.  The vandalism occurred between two and 2:30.  We know this because the security footage in the parking lot from that time frame is missing.  Oceanside Police took statements and collected spray paint left at the northeast corner of the parking lot.  A criminal hearing for Dylan will likely take place this summer.  It will take the district court months to process charges for felony vandalism, but the school board only needed two weeks to process their decision.” — Peter Maldonado

“I’ve personally known Dylan for two years.  We’re part of Hanover High School’s Morning Show.  I’m a reporter on the show.  He’s a cameraman.  If I’m being honest, I can’t say I really like Dylan.  Mostly because he’s always doing stuff like this.  Disruptive, disrespectful, a history of poor decisions.  You can see why the school board was convinced that Dylan was the type of person to do the dicks.  The label fit.  So, all the school board had to do was make their case.  And it’s a compelling one.  It’s damning.  The school structured their case against Dylan using four major points.” — Peter Maldonado

“Hi.  Welcome to the Morning Show.  Today is Wednesday, January 20th, and it is a C day.  My name is Peter Maldanodo.  Madison with today’s menu.” — Peter Maldonado

“So, tell me exactly what you saw.  So, would you say he was frantic about it, or going kind of slow, at his own pace?  There’s now way you could’ve mistaken Dylan for someone else?  You’re positive it was Dylan?” — Peter Maldonado

“From the day he came forward, Alex Trimboli had one story, a consistent story.  And it made the school board’s case against Dylan clean and simple.  All Dylan had to do was provide a reliable alibi to contradict Alex Tromboli.  Dylan’s friends were his best bet.  They call themselves the Wayback Boys.  But when it comes to reliability they don’t exactly fit the bill.  The day after the vandalism, Vice Principal Keene called in Dylan and his friends for separate interviews to see if they could keep their story straight.  They couldn’t.” — Peter Maldonado

“But if Dylan’s friends all agree on Priceless Moments, why doesn’t his girlfriend?  This is my good friend and co-producer, Sam Ecklund.  He’s really into string.  What bothers me are these conflicting testimonies.  Dylan and Mackenzie both say that Dylan was at Mackenzie’s house.  The Wayback Boys said he went to Priceless Moments to take a dump.  If Dylan, his girlfriend, and the Wayback Boys are all lying, as Sam believes, then we have a narrative that’s easy to digest.  He wasn’t at Mackenzie’s house or taking a dump at Priceless Moments.  Instead, he was at Hanover High School, and more specifically, the parking lot of Hanover High School, to draw the dicks, as Alex Trimboli claims.  Even if they had gotten their story straight, it’s not easy to trust Dylan and his friends.  The key to this whole thing is in these conflicting testimonies.  You either trust Alex Trimboli from the National Honor Society, or you trust Dylan and his friends, creators of the Youtube video, Porta Potty Shit Prank.” — Peter Maldonado

“So what’s your opinion on Alex Trimboli?  Okay, if Dylan cheated on a test in school… …and, um, this teacher was suspicious of– that somebody had cheated, would you lie and say that Dylan did not cheat?” — Peter Maldonado

“Remember I said parking lot security footage at the time of the vandalism was missing?  This was the school board’s second key point against Dylan.  Because he was one of nine students who had access to the footage.  Dylan often tells me, the vandal could be anyone.  But that’s not entirely true.  Sure, anyone could spray-paint dicks, but deleting security footage from the school’s private server?  There’s only a short list of people capable of that.  Nine people who could’ve done it, or at the very least, helped the person who did it.  Since the vandalism, I’ve started referring to them as the Morning Show Nine.” — Peter Maldonado

“Dylan’s weak alibi and media server access gave him opportunity to draw the dicks.  But his Spanish teacher, Ms. Shapiro, gave him motive.  she claimed the dicks weren’t directed at a bunch of random teachers.  She was a target.” — Peter Maldonado

“Twenty-seven dicks on 27 cars.  But only one slashed tire, on the car of Ms. Shapiro, the teacher Dylan hated the most.  I gotta say, this target theory makes sense.  The fact that he’d pranked her car in the past with the ‘I heart boobs’ license plate frame, the fact that Shapiro’s was the only car with a slashed tire, it adds up.  It doesn’t look good for Dylan.  But the school board saved their most damning point for last: Dylan was a known dick drawer.” — Peter Maldonado

“At the hearing, Shapiro talked at length about these drawings.  Dylan’s whiteboard dicks were a major part of the school board’s narrative.  Conflicting eyewitness testimonies, access to security footage, a teacher vendetta, and a history of dick drawing?  Everything pointed to Dylan, open-and-shut.  But I discovered one glaring discrepancy no one was even looking at.  Something so huge, it could blow the case wide open.” — Peter Maldonado

“Right.  Does that change things for you?  No, there’s not a single hairless nutsack on those whiteboards.  I went through every photo, dating back to the sixth grade.  Yeah.  Yeah.  No, no, no.  I was thinking about that, too, but take a look at the tips.  Exactly.  If you’re concerned about time, why would you spend time drawing mushrooms?  Those are difficult and take time.  Oh, yeah.  This looks really good for Dylan.  The hairs, the tip, the ball size?  They’re different.  None of this was mentioned at Dylan’s hearing.  What else did the school board miss?” — Peter Maldonado

“All right, take a look at this.  These are the dicks that you drew in Shapiro’s class.  Right?  And then this is the dicks that were drawn on the car.  Yeah, they’re completely different.  Yeah.  And we checked every single whiteboard dick that you drew in Shapiro’s class, all had hairs.  The mushroom tip.  They didn’t even bring it up in your case.  Yeah.  I think so.” — Peter Maldonado

“Greg is Dylan’s stepdad.  So, your history with Ms. Shapiro was a huge part of the school board’s case, right?  Shapiro did give Dylan 19 detentions this year.  But you guys have to admit that the fact that her tires were slashed, she was the first car hit, that you vandalized her car in the past, you see how, like, that looks bad for you.  Dylan made this point at the school board hearing, but ultimately it came down to his word against hers, and everyone knew he hated Shapiro.  You’re saying you’ve never seen Ms. Shapiro’s car?  In your life?” — Peter Maldonado

“Yeah.  Yeah.  You just go into the FTP.  I mean, yeah, but it’s very difficult.  So, you are believing it?  While it’s true Dylan was a part of the Morning Show, that doesn’t mean he’s smart enough to delete the footage from the school’s media server.  He would’ve had to have known how to long into the FTP and navigate to the right directory that stores the right security camera at the right time, pretty complicated for someone who never pays attention in class.  In fact, the only reason he joined the Morning Show in the first place was to was so he could borrow camera equipment for his YouTube channel, Wayback Boys TV.” — Peter Maldonado

“So tell me a little bit about the Wayback Boys.  With 29 videos, 5,173 views, and 358 subscribers, Dylan’s convinced that they’re the next big thing.  Dylan claims he’s not smart enough to delete the security footage.  But he is technologically savvy enough to edit an upload his own videos to YouTube.  So, is he really as dumb as he lets on?  Personally, I think he is.” — Peter Maldonado

“Dylan, what’s the deal with the conflicting testimonies?  You were there.  You know the truth.  If we could prove that you were here instead of the school parking lot, we prove Alex Trimboli is lying.” — Peter Maldonado

“Which is actually accurate.  Even when the police got involved, cell phone records can only put Dylan in a particular location if he made or received a phone call.  But he didn’t.” — Peter Maldonado

“Why not?  Wait, what?  As you can tell from my reaction, this news is a little bit shocking.  Alex Trimboli claims he got a hand job from Sara Pearson?  Sara Pearson has hooked up with Michael Polowski, Brad Cormack, Scott Winter.  And then she hooks up with Alex Trimboli?  With only circumstantial evidence tying him to the vandalism, the school board built its entire case against Dylan on the back of Alex Trimboli’s eyewitness testimony.  Yes, they had his whiteboard dicks, Shapiro’s tire, and the media server, but Trimboli was their star.  While Dylan spends his days delivering diapers and french fries, robbed of his senior year, and potentially college, Trimboli walks the halls like a hero.  But what if we can’t trust him?  What if he’s not as reliable as the school board would have you to believe?  What if he’s a liar?” — Peter Maldonado

“So, Alex, tell me.  Did you get a hand job from Sara Pearson?  Did you get a hand job from Sara Pearson?” — Peter Maldonado

“You’re talking about Alex Trimboli.  Have you ever hooked up with Alex Trimboli?” — Peter Maldonado

“Alex Trimboli, the school board’s only witness to the vandalism on March 15th.  Here’s what I’ve been able to dig up about Alex.  He moved to Oceanside in ninth grade.  He’s an Eagle Scout.  He ran for class treasurer and lost.  Alex’s testimony single-handedly sealed Dylan Maxwell’s fate.  In a case with so little tangible evidence, everything comes down to who you can trust.  Do we believe Alex, or do we believe Dylan?  That’s what we’ll be looking into today.” — Peter Maldonado

“Why would he say that he saw you?  I’m sorry, what?  ‘Little bitch,’ a phrase I didn’t quite understand.  But it wasn’t the first time I’d heard it.  I don’t think ‘little bitch’ has anything to do with Alex’s masculinity.  They were challenging something else: his integrity.” — Peter Maldonado

“Why do you think Alex Trimboli would lie?  So, a little bitch is someone who informs a teacher when a rule has been broken or something?  Oh, so, a little bitch is like, um, someone who… bends the truth to make themselves look better?” — Peter Maldonado

“Alex Trimboli, the school board’s only witness.  But can we trust him?  Or is Alex Trimboli exactly what Dylan claims him to be?  This was gonna take a little research.  We brought Gabi along, because she’s a senior and knows more about Alex than we do.  Also, she has a driver’s license.  So, Alex Trimboli claims to have had 11 beers at Nana’s party.” — Peter Maldonado

“Was that the most drunk you’ve ever been in your life?  Here’s another thing.  He claims to have been really close friends with Joey Themelis.  Were you guys friends?  Joey may not have been bros for life with Trimboli, or bros at all, according to some of Joey’s friends.  And the claim that he drank 11 beers at Nana’s party also met with skepticism from seniors.  So, is Alex the type of person to lie for attention?”

“So, you lied to me.  Dylan, no you didn’t.  You lied to me.  Guys.  Guys.  Why did you guys lie about the license plate prank?  I’m not trying to liberate anyone.  I’m trying to find the truth.  And I can’t do that unless you’re honest with me.  And this news is really disappointing.  Help me help you, Dylan.  I need the truth from now on.” — Peter Maldonado

Denise Kavanagh, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS TV Studios, Dendrie TaylorDenise Kavanagh

“I’m so sorry.  I know.” — Denise Kavanagh

“When Dylan does, like, something stupid, and he does stupid things all the time, I mean, he usually will– had admits it to me.  I mean… I could– well, okay, so, he doesn’t admit it.  He lies to me a lot.  But I can tell when he’s lying, and he knows that I can tell when he’s lying, so, he knows he can’t really lie to me, because when he looks at me, and he lies, and I ask him a question, it’s like his ears get red on the top, so, I know.  So, I don’t think that he did it.  Because… I just don’t.” — Denise Kavanagh

Vice Principal Keene, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS TV Studios, Matt MillerVice Principal Keene

“Okay, great.  Have a seat.  So, you know why you’re here, right?  So, where were you yesterday afternoon?  And you were there the whole day?  Well, that’s not what your friends said.” — Vice Principal Keene

“So, where were you yesterday afternoon?  And where was Dylan Maxwell?  The whole day?  Okay, okay.” — Vice Principal Keene

“So, Dylan left?” — Vice Principal Keene

Spencer Diaz, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS TV Studios, Eduardo FrancoSpencer Diaz

“I was at Lucas Wiley’s house.  We were making prank calls.  He was there with us.  Yeah.  I mean, he left for a little bit to go to Priceless Moments to take a dump.  Dylan says the squishy toilet seats are like pressing your butt against someone else’s butt, and then pooping into their butthole.” — Spencer Diaz

“Yeah.  What?  Well, I mean, I ain’t know that, what?  I also feel– yeah.” — Spencer Diaz

“And I’m Spencer.  And this is Baby Farting.  Oh, my God, I almost shit myself.” — Spencer Diaz

Lucas Wiley, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS TV Studios, Lou WilsonLucas Wiley

“Yeah.  He shits at Priceless Moments.  It’s this antique store down the street from my house.  He doesn’t like my bathroom.  My mom has one of those squishy seats.” — Lucas Wiley

“Come on, dude.  There was one of him saying he was there, and four of us saying he wasn’t.  I would also say, yeah.  But that’s different.  School is different than– like, I was with this dude.  this is 100-percent.  He was here.” — Lucas Wiley

“And I’m Lucas.  And this is Dad Pantsing.” — Lucas Wiley

“Dylan is whipped as fuck, dude.  It’s like, problematic.” — Lucas Wiley

“Alex Trimboli?  Little bitch.” — Lucas Wiley

Brianna Gagne, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS TV Studios, Jessica JuarezBrianna Gagne

“Fuck Alex Trimboli.” — Brianna Gagne

“Mackenzie fucking sucks.” — Brianna Gagne

“Huge little bitch.” — Brianna Gagne

Jared Hixenbaugh, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS TV Studios, Joe FarrellJared Hixenbaugh

“Can you tell us where you were on the afternoon of March 15th?  You are certain that it’s Dylan?” — Jared Hixenbaugh

“Mackenzie, on the afternoon of March 15th, do you remember where Dylan was?  Great.  Do you remember about what time he came to drop off the dog food?  Okay.  Well, sometime– would you say sometime between two and 2:30.  Okay, great.  Um, do you have any proof that he was there?  Okay.  Um… you saw him.  You say he’s at your house.  His friends say he’s at an antique store.  And then we have vandalism at the high school.  All in the same 30-minute period.  So, let’s see if we can try and sort, uh, some of this out.” — Jared Hixenbaugh

“Okay.  Awesome.  And… you know, which students of yours had access to the media server room where that’s held?  Nine hundred and fifty-eight students enrolled in Hanover High, correct?  Yes, 958.  Nine have a key and a login which gives them access to the security footage, and Dylan Maxwell is one of those nine, correct?  Thank you.” — Jared Hixenbaugh

“Did anything happen between you and Dylan in the days leading up that could’ve contributed to this?  Were any other teacher’s tires slashed?  Yours was the only one?  Oh, really?  So, he’s vandalized your car prior?” — Jared Hixenbaugh

“Have you ever drawn obscene images like the ones that were on the parking lot cars before?  Time to time.  Once a week?  Four times a week.” — Jared Hixenbaugh

“The day after the vandalism, Vice Principal Keene, he interviewed, uh, Lucas Wiley and the other two of your friends who are in the Wayback Boys.  And they said that on March 15th at two o’clock, you did leave the premises.  But they say you went to the Priceless Moments antique store, and then came back.  You can see why this is tricky for us.  So, you were at Priceless Moments?  You were at Mackenzie’s.  The Wayback Boys are lying to Vice Principal Keene.  Because you lied to them.  Okay.  We’re clear on all of this.” — Jared Hixenbaugh

“Please, um, state your name for the record.  Now, are you certain of what you saw?” — Jared Hixenbaugh

Sam Ecklund, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS TV Studios, Griffin GluckSam Ecklund

“All right.  What I have right now is purple for theories and yellow for facts.  He wasn’t– look.  He was lying about both.  He wasn’t at either.  He was drawing the dicks.” — Sam Ecklund

“Ball hairs.  I can’t believe I never noticed that.  There’s gotta be at least one.  You’re right.  All of the whiteboard dicks look the same.  Maybe, you know, he didn’t have enough time to draw ball hairs, you know?  He was in a rush, just went around the parking lot, and drew dick.  Yeah, way better mushroom heads.  I see what you mean, yeah.  I gotta admit, this looks good for Dylan.” — Sam Ecklund

“Oh, can I get one?  That’s hilarious.  He’s saying he’s too dumb to have deleted the footage?  That’s actually a really good point, the smartest thing he’s ever said.  Yeah.” — Sam Ecklund

“I don’t know.  I don’t believe 11 beers.  Wouldn’t you be unconscious after that?  Yeah?  Wasn’t he?  Was he lying?  Yeah, he always posted about them.” — Sam Ecklund

Mackenzie Wagner, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS TV Studios, Camille RamseyMackenzie Wagner

“Yea, he was, uh, hanging over at Lucas Wiley’s, and then he came and dropped off dog food at my place.  Um, like two-ish, 2:10, 2:15.  Yeah.  Um… I saw him.  I saw him.  Yes.” — Mackenzie Wagner

“You know what sucks, is that if you get charged, your parents are gonna have to pay like $100,000.  And, like, what?  You only make like $10 an hour at Postmates, so, you do the math.  Mm-hm.  No, it’s true.  I mean, most teachers hate Dylan, like… but Shapiro, she fucking hates him.  Like, a lot more than that.  Like in a really kind of fucked-up way– how much time do you have on your hands to focus your energy on one kid?  For sure.” — Mackenzie Wagner

“School’s talking about Dylan like he’s some criminal mastermind.  Okay.  They say he deleted the security footage.  Dude, Dylan’s too dumb to delete footage.  And it’s not just thinking about it.  It’s, like, how does one go–?  Like, do you know how to delete footage?  Do you know what an FTP is?  Exactly.” — Mackenzie Wagner

“Oh, my God, you’re gonna break his neck.  Ruff was here.  ‘Don’t do this to Dylan.'” — Mackenzie Wagner

Duncan Fairchild, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS TV Studios, Myles BrewerDuncan Fairchild

“They call themselves the Wayback Boys.  So fucking dumb.  I don’t know what they said, but Dylan did it.” — Duncan Fairchild

“Parking lot dicks could have two nutsacks and warts, and… it doesn’t even matter.” — Duncan Fairchild

“Have you seen Alex?  And have you seen Sara?” — Duncan Fairchild

Gabi Granger, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS TV Studios, Camille HydeGabi Granger

“Those guys are idiots.” — Gabi Granger

“Yeah, I wouldn’t trust anything Dylan says.  But then again, I wouldn’t trust anything that Alex Trimboli says, either.  For starters, he said he got to third base with Sara Pearson at summer camp.  She’s… kind of top-notch.” — Gabi Granger

“No.  That’s so– no.  I never saw them hanging out, but he always made these posts.  Like’R.I.P., Joey.’  ‘Bros for life.’  I don’t know.  I mean, maybe he could have been friends with Joey and I just never saw.  Maybe he could have had… not 11 beers.  Eight, nine.  It could be possible.  But the Sara part just seemed no.” — Gabi Granger

Sarah Pearson, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS TV Studios, Saxon ShorbinoSarah Pearson

“Dylan did it.  Is that your first question?  Who I think did it?  ‘Cause it was totally Dylan.  I mean, someone saw him do it.  Like, seriously.  Yeah.  Alex saw it happen, so, like,  case closed, right?  Ew.” — Sara Pearson

Alex Trimboli, American Vandal, Netflix, Woodhead Entertainment, 3 Arts Entertainment, Funny or Die, CBS TV Studios, Calum WorthyAlex Trimboli

“Sure.  Uh, I’d just come back to pick up some books.  Um, we had a science test next day, I went to grab them from my locker.  I came into the parking lot, and… …I saw Dylan Maxwell spray-painting the cars.  Oh, hundred percent.” — Alex Trimboli

“Oh, well, I was coming out of the school over there.  And I kind of noticed something, out of the corner of my eye, so, I turned.  That’s where I saw him.  And he just went… every single car along this row.  Dick.  Dick.  Dick.  Dick.  No.  He was methodical about it.  That’s what was so messed up.  Like he had the whole thing planned out.  No, it was… it was definitely Dylan Maxwell.” — Alex Trimboli

“I did not see him slashing the tires.  But it would make sense that if he slashed the tires and drew the first dick on her car, that he would just keep going until someone like me came out to stop him.  That’s what I think.” — Alex Trimboli

“Hundred percent.  Uh, Alex Trimboli, senior.  I walked out to the parking lot, and that’s where I saw it.  I saw… Dylan Maxwell… spray-painting… the graphic, uh… dicks.  Yeah.  Hundred percent.” — Alex Trimboli

“They say, like, high school is the best years of your life.  Um, I know it isn’t for me, but I do think that I’ll look back and I’ll think I killed it.” — Alex Trimboli

“Dude, I was wasted.  It was crazy, man.  I had 11 beers.  It’s the most drunk anyone at our high school’s even been in their life.  Yeah, Joey was a… a bright light in this world.  Best friends.” — Alex Trimboli

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