MGM Studios original movie Spaceballs was released June 24th, 1987.
#Spaceballs made $38.1M at the international box office.
rottentomatoes: 52%
metacritic: 46
imdb: 7.1
Lord Helmet
Lord Helmet is a high-ranking Spaceballs military commander.
“I can’t breathe in this thing. Good. I’ll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately. What? You went over my helmet? Yes, that. Sandurz! I don’t see Planet Druidia. Where is it? Never mind. I’ll do it myself. What’s the matter with this thing? What’s that churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen?” — Lord Helmet
“Yes. I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that. Everybody knows that! Now that I have my coffee, I’m ready to watch radar. Where is it? Switch to teleview. There it is. Planet Druidia. And underneath the air shield, 10,000 years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield. Everybody got that? Good. When will the Princess be married?” — Lord Helmet
“Well, I hope it’s a long ceremony, ’cause it’s gonna be a short honeymoon. Hot! Too hot. Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose. Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it! Who made that man a gunner? Who is he? I know that. What’s his name? And his cousin? How many Assholes we got on this ship anyhow? I knew it. I’m surrounded by assholes. Keep firing, assholes!” — Lord Helmet
“Well? Now what is it? What’s wrong with it? The what? And the what? That’s not all he’s lost. Jammed. Raspberry. Well, there’s only one man who would dare give me the raspberry. Lone Starr! Now we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy. Hold it. I’ll handle this personally.” — Lord Helmet
“So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner. And you will be held hostage until such time as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours. She’s not in there. Winnebago? Lone Starr. Lone Starr! Good. Prepare to attack. On the count of three. One, two… what happened? Where are they? And what have we got on this thing, a Cuisinart? Well, find them, catch them. No, no, no. Light speed is too slow. Yes. We’re gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.” — Lord Helmet
“What’s the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken? Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer. Now hear this. Ludicrous speed! Buckle this. Ludicrous speed! Go! What have I done? My brains are going into my feet. We passed them. Stop this thing. Bullshit! Just stop this thing! I order you. Stop! Fine. How have you been? Good. Yeah.” — Lord Helmet
Spaceballs
“Colonel Sandurz? What is it, Sergeant Ricco? You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir. So? Planet Druidia is in sight, sir. You’re really a spaceball. You know that, don’t you? Thanks, sir. Have you notified Lord Helmet? Yes, sir. I took the liberty. He’s on his way. Make way for Dark Helmet! All rise in presence of Dark Helmet.”
“We’re approaching Planet Druidia, sir. I already called him, sir. He knows everything. Well, not exactly over, sir. More to the side. I’ll always call you first. It’ll never happen again. Never ever! Oh, shit! No, no, no. No, no, no! No! Please! Please, no, no, no, not that! Sir. We don’t have visual contact yet, but we have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you? Very good, sir.”
“No, sir, we call it Mr. Coffee. Care for some? Of course I do. Of course we do, sir. Right here, sir. We will, sir. Once we kidnap the Princess, we can force fer father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball. Within the hour, sir. Princess Vespa’s spaceship within range, sir. Sorry, sir. I’m doing my best. I did, sir. He’s my cousin. He’s an asshole, sir. That is his name, sir. Asshole. Major Asshole. He’s an Asshole, too, sir. Gunner’s mate, first class, Philip Asshole. Yo!”
“Shit. Sir. What is it? Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir? I’m having trouble with the radar, sir. You don’t need that, private. We’re right here. What is it? I’m having trouble with the radar, sir. I’m having trouble with the radar, sir. I’ve lost the bleeps, the sweep, and the creeps. The what? You know. The bleeps. The sweeps. And the creeps. Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be jammed.”
“Jawohl, Lord Helmet! Radar repaired, sir. We’re picking up the outline of a Winnebago. We’re closing in on them, sir. In less than a minute, Lone Starr will be ours. Prepare to attack. Late! I don’t know, sir. They must have hyper-jets on that thing. No, sir. Yes, sir. Prepare ship for light speed. Light speed too slow? Ludicrous speed? Sir, we’ve never gone that fast before. I don’t know if this ship can take it. Prepare ship. Prepare ship for ludicrous speed. Fasten all seat belts. Seal all entrances and exits. Close all shops in the mall. Cancel the three-ring circus. Secure all animals in the zoo… sir, hadn’t you better buckle up? We can’t stop. It’s too dangerous. We’ve got to slow down first. Here, sir. Here. Let me help you, sir. Are you all right, sir? Fine, sir. Good thing you were wearing that helmet. What shall we do now, sir?”
Pizza the Hut
“Hello, Lone Starr. No, no, no, no. It’s not what I want. It’s what he wants. Well, if it isn’t Lone Starr and his sidekick, Puke. Barf, Puke, whatever. Where’s my money? No. I gotta have it by tomorrow. 100,000? No way! You forgot late charges which brings it up to one million space bucks! Unfair to the payor, but not the payee. But you’re gonna pay it or else… tell him Vinnie. Or else Pizza is gonna send out for you. You’re delicious. Ciao, boys.”
Princess Vespa / Dot
“No! Where’s my droid of honor? Here I am. I’m sorry. I had to make a pit stop. I’m so excited, I couldn’t hold my oil. Daddy, that’s your right foot. Daddy. Must I go through with this?”
“But, Daddy, I don’t love him. Hey, wait! You forgot to get married! Will you stop? What are you doing? No questions, Dot. Get in. Can we talk?”
“Okay, we all know Prince Valium is a pill, but you could’ve married him for your father’s sake and then had a headache for the next 25 years. Will you turn that thing off? What? What is it? I was saying, do you realize what you’ve done? Yes! And I’m glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad. I wonder if she’s glad.”
“What’s going on? It’s either the Fourth of July, or someone’s trying to kill us! Hey! I don’t have to put up with this. I’m rich. What are you doing? I’m calling my father. 1-800-Druidia. Hurry, Daddy. Hurry! There are laser blasts all around us! I’m scared.”
“What’s happening? What’s that glow? We’re not moving. We’re moving, all right. Backwards. What was that? Never mind that. What was that? Who are you? Barf? What are you? Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes. What do you want? Good. Quick. Hurry, darling. Follow the dog. Wait. What about my matched luggage? Hey, stop looking up my can.”
“Who is that? Now you hear this, whoever you are. You will not touch that luggage. And furthermore, I want this pigsty cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth. Sweetheart? Uh-oh. How dare you speak to me that way? You will address me in the proper manner as Your Royal Highness. I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.”
Captain Lone Starr / Barf
“Barf. Barf. Barf. Huh? Barf? Always when I’m eating. Barf! What can I do you for, boss? Where you been? Grabbing myself a snack. You want some? No! A little hair of the dog? No! Listen, answer that thing for me. Will you watch that? Sorry. I’ll just throw on our audio here. That they won’t see you. Yello!”
“Sorry, wrong switch. Hello, Vinnie. What do you want? Pizza the Hutt. That’s Barf. Don’t worry, Pizza. You’ll have it by next week. 100,000 space bucks? By tomorrow? A million? That’s unfair! Or else what?”
“Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous. Besides, I’m already numero uno on Dark Helmet’s hit list. Look, Your Highness, it’s not that we’re afraid. Far from it. It’s just that we got this thing about death. It’s not us. Anything? Okay. We’ll do it for a million. Whoa, you’re starting to fade here. We’re losing picture, Your Highness. All right, King. You just made a deal. One princess for one million space bucks.”
“What’s she driving? We get the idea. Where was she last seen? We’ll find her. One million space bucks! We’ll be able to pay off Pizza the Hutt! Give me paw! Look, there’s our princess. She’s got company. Oh, no. Spaceballs! And they’ve already got her in their magnetic beam. Oh, well, we’re too late. What a shame. I’ll throw her in reverse. We’ll get out of here. Barf! No! Bad. What are we doing risking our lives for a runaway princess? I know we need the money, but… listen, we’re not just doing this for money. We’re doing it for a shitload of money.”
“Oh, you’re right. And when you’re right, you’re right. And you, you’re always right. Okay, we save her. But how? The minute we move in there, they’re gonna spot us on their radar. Uh-uh. Uh-huh. Uh-uh. Not if we jam it. Uh-huh! You’re right. Down scope. Down scope. Radar about to be jammed. Hi. Barf. No, that’s my name. Barf. I’m a Mawg: half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend. Your father hired Captain Lone Starr and me to save you. We got to hop up this ladder and get out. Mawg. I’m a Mawg. Sorry.”
“Checking in? What the hell is all that? It’s her Royal Highness’s matched luggage! What? Her Royal Highness’s matched luggage. Matched luggage, huh? What’s she think this is, a Princess Cruise? Ouch! Well, she wouldn’t go without it. Oh, yeah? Now hear this. The minute we get out of here, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage. Listen. On this ship, I don’t take orders, I give them. This is my dreamboat, sweetheart. Oh. That’s all we needed. A Druish princess. Funny. She doesn’t look Druish.”
“Uh-oh. Here’s comes the Badyear blimp. We’d better get out of here in a hurry. Switch to secret hyper-jets. Switching to secret hyper-jets. Buckle up back there, we’re going into hyperactive. What the hell was that? Spaceball One. They’ve gone to plaid.”
President Skroob / Spaceball City
“Don’t be ridiculous. As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure you both you and your viewers that there’s absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course. I’ve heard the same rumor myself. Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges. Yes, bye. Shithead.”
“President Sbrook. Yes? This is Central Control. Spaceball Commanderette Zircon Speaking, sir. Yes, what is it, Commanderette? Lord Helmet has just notified us that Princess Vespa is in sight and Spaceball One is closing in on her. Good. Good. We have both ships coming on the teledar, sir, if you wish to observe. I’ll be down immediately. Should I have Snotty beam you down, sir? I don’t know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe? Oh, yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful. All right. I’ll take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on Star Trek. Snotty, beam him down.”
“Yes, sir. Immediately, sir. Great beasties! What’s happened to his head? It’s on backwards! This is terrible! Do something! I’m sorry, sir. There must have been a micro-converter malfunction. Why didn’t somebody tell me my ass was so big? Hold on, sir. We’ll try to reverse the beam. It could be the interlocking system. Lock one. Lock two. Lock three. Loch Lomond! Are you all right, Mr. President? Fine. Fine. No thanks to you! We’ll beam you back, sir. Forget it. Forget it. No more beaming. This time I’m gonna walk.”
“President Skroob! Salute! Hail, Skroob! Hello, President Skroob. Oh… hello, Charlene. I’m Marlene. Hello, Marlene. I’m Charlene. Chew your gum. Where’s the princess? Right there, sir, on the left side of the screen approaching Spaceball One at 1,500 light leagues per minute. Good. Good. She’s almost in our grasp. Tell Dark Helmet he must take the Princess alive.”
King Roland / Planet Druidia
“If only your mother were alive to see this day. Is everyone ready? Yes, Your Majesty. Oh, dear, yes. Where’s Dot? Dot? Dot Matrix! Oh, thank God, dear! Where’ve you been? All right, people. It’s magic time! All right, everyone, starting on the left foot. It’s too late. Keep going. I’m sorry, my dear. You have to.”
“I’m sorry, Vespa. He’s the last prince left in the galaxy. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland, going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door! Stop her! Someone stop her! Stop her! What is she doing? Where is she going? Come back!”
“King Roland to Lone Starr. King Roland to Lone Starr. Are you there? Lone Starr, you’ve got to help me. Please save my daughter. She’s being attacked by Spaceballs! Please, you must! You’re the only ones that can save her! I’ll give you anything! Did you hear me? Anything. Yes, anything. A million? All right, all right, I’ll pay it. Only find her, save her.”
“A brand-new white Mercedes 2001 SEL limited edition. Moon roof, all-leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me. She was just passing Jupiter Two. Please bring her back safely. And if it’s at all possible, try to save the car.”
