Cordial Incarceration

Netflix, Orange is the New Black

Netflix prison comedy drama Orange is the New Black premiered its fourth season this Friday June 17th and all episodes are available for binge viewing here.

Rottentomatoes: 95%

Metacritic: 79

IMDb: 8.3

Emmys: 4 wins 16 nominations

The Emmy Awards should probably decide if this is a comedy or drama.  They ran it as a comedy series in 2014 and switched to drama in 2015.

Piper Chapman, Netflix, Orange is the New Black

Piper Chapman

Piper is proposed to by her boyfriend Larry Bloom before she serves a 15 month stint in prison for aiding and abetting her former girlfriend Alex Vause who was involved in an international drug cartel.

She turns herself in at Litchfield Penitentiary and is bunked with a ‘Miss Claudette’ Pelage.

Piper’s first meal in the joint results in her unwittingly but directly insulting the cook, Galina ‘Red’ Reznikov.  The next meal piper receives is made special just for her, a bloody tampon sandwich.

Piper fasts for a few days while she procures a soothing cream she makes from fresh jalapenos and cocoa butter.  This remedies Red’s back rash and rectifies things with her, allowing Piper to eat food.

Piper’s commissary account comes in and she buys some creature comforts and helps pay back some of the kindnesses that people showed to her.

Inmate Suzanne ‘Crazy Eyes’ Warren continues to pursue her and serenade her in love poems.

Chapman gets elected to the (WAC) Women’s Advisory Council despite not having run, this position turns out to be more or less meaningless.   Chapman gets put in (SHU) Segregated Housing Unit for dancing provocatively with her old fling Alex Vause which is perceived as ‘lesbian activity’.

Piper’s boyfriend Larry Bloom breaks up with her as a result of her and Alex’s re-kindled prison relationship.  Piper is transferred to Chicago where she is updated about her trial and Vause is released.

She is soon transferred back to Litchfield and bunks with Red who is no longer the cook.  Piper initiates a prison newsletter as a result of her fiance relaying suspicions about large amounts of money are being embezzled by the executive assistant to the warden, Natalie Figueroa.

She runs the newsletter with Flaca Gonzalez, Dayanara Diaz, and Lorna Morello who runs a beauty column on how to wear make-up in prison.

Piper is granted the extremely rare “furlough” to visit her sick and dying grandmother.  She gets a lot of shit for this.

Natalie Figueroa is axed for embezzlement, but not charged to avoid scandal.  Joe Caputo replaces her, soon after the prison itself is bought wholesale by MCC Management and Correction Corporation.  The inmates are taught to sew panties for a clothing company, and conditions are generally improved as a result of financial readjustments, and more efficient corporate practices.

The director of human activity Danny Pearson resigns and relinquishes his position to Caputo who is now basically Warden.

Piper’s boyfriend Larry starts a relationship with her best friend, Polly.  Piper rekindles her relationship with Alex Vause, again.

She launches a business venture entitled Felonious Spunk in which inmates wear panties and Piper sells them to ‘panty sniffers’.

Piper starts a relationship with an Aussie, Stella Carlin, which ends her relationship with Vause.  And then consequently also with Stella.  Her panty sniffer business enterprise falls through when the guard she was smuggling merchandise through pulls out due to risk factor.

She re-convinces the guard to run more panties with the assistance of Stella, and they enter a business partnership.

Piper allows Stella to tattoo the words “Trust No Bitch” on her inner forearm.

She discovers that Stella siphoned money out of their panty business to an outside account.

Soon after Piper plants a contraband gift package on Stella’s bunk and initiates a prompt search of it, sending her away to max. This is part of her newly reinvigorated but perpetual attempts to appear tough and strong, something she believes is a necessity in federal prison.

Piper Chapman, Netflix, Orange is the New Black

“You can’t show any weakness that’s what all of the books said.” — Piper Chapman

“No, I’m not still a lesbian.” — Piper Chapman

“It was my lost-soul post-college adventure phase.” — Piper Chapman

“I’ve ruined my life now, twice… over you.  So what’s the end game here?” — Piper Chapman

“Beauty comes from the inside.  However: smudging the corner of your eyeliner, not spiking your hair, and a lighter lip couldn’t hurt.” — Piper Chapman

“About what I said yesterday.  It was careless and it was rude.  And I am really sorry.  I appreciate everything that you do here.  I can’t imagine how much work it takes.” — Piper Chapman

“I can tell you take pride in what you do and I so respect that. ” — Piper Chapman

“I make artisanal bath products.  we got into Barneys.” — Piper Chapman

“You should break up with me.  You didn’t sign up for this.” — Piper Chapman

“Maybe.  But maybe a heartfelt and actually legible letter would help her case, you know?  There’s always a chance right?” — Piper Chapman

“Why are you using air quotes are you saying that I’m lying?” — Piper Chapman

“I’m not uptight.” — Piper Chapman

“She doesn’t know me.  That girl that you wrote about?  That’s not me.” — Piper Chapman

“You have to let me fix this..” — Piper Chapman

“It’s like coming home after a long trip.  That’s what love is.  It’s like coming home.” — Piper Chapman

“I cannot get behind some supreme being who weighs in on the tony awards while a million people get whacked with machetes.  I don’t believe a billion Indians are going to hell, I don’t think we get cancer to learn life lessons, and I don’t believe that people die young because God needs another angel.  I think it’s just bullshit… and on some level I think we all know that. I mean, don’t you?” — Piper Chapman

“Look I understand that religion makes it easier to deal with all of the random shitty things that happen to us.  And I wish I could get on that ride.  I’m sure I would be happier.  But I can’t.” — Piper Chapman

“Please don’t mention those things unless you have some up your butt for me.” — Piper Chapman

“You know that I have always been interested in the health and safety of others.” — Piper Chapman

Quote1Maybe.   Maybe this prison has a heart after all.Quote2 — Piper Chapman

“Other people aren’t the scariest part of prison Dina, it’s coming face to face with who you really are.  Because once you’re behind these walls, there’s nowhere to run, even if you could run.  The truth catches up with you in here, Dina.  And it’s the truth that’s gonna make you her bitch.” — Piper Chapman

Caring, nurturing, ethereal, with an affinity for romantic relationships Piper Chapman is an Idealist.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov, Netflix, Orange is the New Black

Galina ‘Red’ Reznikov

Red drops in on Piper during her first meal in prison and kindly gifts her a yogurt, to which Piper exclaims, “Thanks!  The food here is terrible”.  Not realizing she was talking to the cook.

Piper rectifies things.

Red sells contraband through a prison guard George ‘Pornstache’ Mendez, who then starts running drugs through the same channels without her permission.

Red resists pushing drugs at first, flushing the first stash Mendez sends her down the toilet, this results in him urinating in a fresh batch of butternut squash soup she had just prepared.

Red is stripped of her beloved kitchen as a result of a drug bust found in the food supply, essentially Mendez’s exploits.

Red sabotages the kitchen with a grease fire.  As a result Maria Mendoza the new head chef stops serving her food.

Red can eat again but the grease fire seriously injured her most trusted adviser Gina Murphy, which causes political dissent.  Piper moves into Reds bunk which causes more frustration because she always had a solo bunk.

Reznikov refurbishes the prison greenhouse and starts running contraband through it.  She commissions the elderly Caucasian women to grow and tend a functioning garden.

“I just wanna boss people around again.” — Galina Reznikov

Red attempts a hit on her old rival Yvonne ‘Vee’ Parker, but her assassin is senile and shanks the wrong person.  Vee witnesses the attempt, Red eats a face full of metal as a result and is hospitalized.

“You wanna assassinate someone? Vision is a basic requirement.” — Galina Reznikov

Red claims she saw nothing and was attacked from behind… standard prison code to never directly snitch on anybody.  She actually relishes the hospital bed, meds, and peace and quiet.

Red is upset when Vee is able to pin the assault on Suzanne Warren who has a history of violent outbursts.  Warren ascertains a verified alibi, Vee escapes the prison frantically but is soon slain via vehicular homicide by another escaping inmate with terminal cancer who stole a prison van Miss Rosa.

Mendoza out of frustration and of her own volition concedes reigns of the kitchen back over to Red.  This promotion turns out to be less fruitful then Red had hoped, as part of MCC corporate restructuring involves the kitchen being sent pre-prepared meal schlop that basically just needs to be warmed up and tastes horrendous.  All of the inmates are discontent with the new grub.

“That’s unfortunate.  I enjoyed eating.  It was a part of my daily routine.” — Lorna Morello

Red hosts a very nice private dinner for all of her close inmate friends essentially all the political nobility of Litchfield.  She serves a corn and leek quiche with fried sage garnish and some hooch.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov, Netflix, Orange is the New Black

“You’re new, you’re one of us.  Consider it a gift.” — Galina Reznikov

“No drama, just business.” — Galina Reznikov

“Young love, they have no idea what they’re in for.” — Galina Reznikov

“Sure it leaves me with blisters and burns and an aching back, but it’s work, real work, and I yearn for it.” — Galina Reznikov

“Without my produce order I have to re-plan the whole holiday menu.  I can’t sit on the bench all day while you play out this little power trip.  We’ll all be eating sardines for Christmas.” — Galina Reznikov

“You get too comfortable, people take advantage.” — Galina Reznikov

“Oh yeah?  In Russia we call it bullshit.” — Galina Reznikov

“Nice is for cowards and democrats.” — Galina Reznikov

“That kitchen is my baby.” — Galina Reznikov

Quote1My friendship used to come with perks.  Now I’m just an angry old Russian lady.Quote2 — Galina ‘Red’ Reznikov

“Because my life is sad and small, and a burden to those I love.” — Galina Reznikov

“This is bigger than you.  Every decision you make now affects your family.  Welcome to motherhood.” — Galina Reznikov

“You seem sweet, you really do.  But I can’t do shit with ‘I’m sorry’.  Not in here.” — Galina Reznikov

“Plenty of other pussy in here.  Let it go.” — Galina Reznikov

“People are fickle fucks.” — Galina Reznikov

“That’s how it happens.  It all goes at once.  Like internal organ dominoes.  I’m sorry.  That’s probably not what you want to hear.” — Galina Reznikov

“You have to be selfish in here.  That’s how you survive.” — Galina Reznikov

“This is bullshit and you know it, this whole place will fall apart when I’m gone.” — Galina Reznikov

“A sick babushka is nothing to be ashamed of.” — Galina Reznikov

“All problems are boring until they’re your own.” — Galina Reznikov

“Might not look like it, but there’s rules in this place.  The most important of which is: the second you are perceived as already are.” — Galina Reznikov

Quote1Because no matter how hard you try and how much we want it, there’s the people who serve the bread, and the people who eat the bread!Quote2 — Galina Reznikov

“This is nothing compared to what I’ll do to you if you use again.  It’ll hurt worse than this.” — Galina Reznikov

“You did good bringing this to me.  Maybe you’re not as useless as i thought.” — Galina Reznikov

“You bring it into my kitchen you make it my business.” — Galina Reznikov

“Don’t fuck where you eat, or shit where you fuck.  It’s bad business.” — Galina Reznikov

Quote1Two strikes and you’re out.  Russians don’t play baseball.Quote2 — Galina Reznikov

“Me? Oh, no.  My power is no illusion.  I can fucking demolish you.” — Galina Reznikov

Hardened, steady, logistical, and concerned Galina Reznikov is a Guardian.

Alex Vause, Netflix, Orange is the New Black

Alex Vause

Alex and Piper rekindle their relationship in prison but ultimately decide to split paths.  They both go to Chicago for their trial hearings.  Alex evidently rats more because she walks free and Piper is sent back to Litchfield.

Vause lives in an apartment, and is paranoid about hitmen killing her from her drug dealing history.  She buys a gun for protection.  She visits piper in prison and says shes taking off and wanted to say goodbye.  Piper rats her out to her probation officer who catches her with a firearm the possession of which violates probation.  She ends up back at Litchfield.

Vause is confronted by an old hitman friend of hers posing as a CO at the greenhouse.

Alex Vause, Netflix, Orange is the New Black

“You’ve never waited a table in your fucking life have you?” — Alex Vause

“I like that in a woman.” — Alex Vause

“I had grand plans.  Now I can’t even get past the swirling darkness in my brain long enough to… land on anything.” — Alex Vause

“What else do I need to know about you?” — Alex Vause

“I work for an international drug cartel.” — Alex Vause

“Oh no I did it, I fucked up your zen.” — Alex Vause

“Look, life gets messy sometimes.  You know, you gotta learn you can’t always fix it.” — Alex Vause

Quote1I don’t have a rock-bottom story because my rock-bottom is happening literally right now.Quote2 — Alex Vause

“I guess I just thought I’d never be here.  I guess I thought I was someone who was in control.  And I was in control for a while.. when I only dealt heroin.  Not even dealt I mean… I was an importer.  But, um…yeah I was going through a break-up and it was around.  Actually it was more like I was abandoned.” — Alex Vause

“Anyway.. I started using.  Heroin was the best girlfriend that I ever had.  You know she always made me feel better… and she was always available.  But even the best girls will fuck you over, you know?” — Alex Vause

“But the business…man, that I miss.  The adrenaline… the power.” — Alex Vause

“You wanna get to someone… you gotta have a long game.” — Alex Vause

“You knew exactly what you were getting into.” — Alex Vause

Daring, enticing, tactical, and persuasive Alex Vause is an Artisan.

Suzanne Warren, Netflix, Orange is the New Black

Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren

Suzanne begins running wildly popular sci-fi erotica literature in which she mimics many of the characters at Litchfield.

“It’s erotically…. inclined.” — Suzane Warren

She hits writers block and stops publishing, spurious sequels start making their way around bathrooms etc.

Suzanne loved Vee as she felt Vee actually treated her like a person.  She feels everyone else fundamentally misinterprets her eccentric nature and behaviors as stupidity or craziness.

Suzanne Warren, Netflix, Orange is the New Black

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series 2015 — Winner

Uzo Aduba as Suzanne ‘Crazy Eyes’ Warren

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series 2014 — Winner

“The trick is to imagine the salt is sugar.” — Suzanne Warren

“I like to let the words speak for themselves.” — Suzanne Warren

“It’s like I can see the words, I just can’t make them obey me.” — Suzanne Warren

“A writer does not search out a muse, a muse appears.  And when that muse wears uniform pants that fit in all the right places.  It writes itself.” — Suzanne Warren

Before I met you, the sun was like a yellow grape. But now, it looks like fire in the sky. Why? Because you light a fire inside me.“— Suzanne Warren

How come everyone calls me ‘Crazy Eyes’?“— Suzanne Warren

If you were my Prison Wife I’d tell you how much I like your titties, because girls love that shit!“— Suzanne Warren to Piper

What is love?–It’s like you become more you. Which normally is like… *funny faces*… But now it’s okay… because the person, like, whoever, they chose to take all that on. All that weird stuff. Whatever’s wrong or bad or hiding in you. Suddenly it’s alright. You don’t feel like such a freak anymore.“— Suzanne Warren

“I used to spend a lot of time thinking how I could make you love me. Like, if I had long pretty hair, or if I made chocolate cake with frosting, or if I had a green bicycle. Turns out the answer is you’re not a nice person. You’re a mean person. And I used to think you was a yellow dandelion, but you’re all dried up with the puff blown off.” — Suzanne Warren

“Other prisons get to do Shakespeare and shit. I wanna play a role. Like Desdemona, or Ophelia, or Clair Huxtable.” — Suzanne Warren

“I am not crazy. I am unique.” — Suzanne Warren

“If she likes dragons, wife her up!” — Suzanne Warren

“Don’t waste time with chicks who are weeds when you’re a garden rose.” — Suzanne Warren

“My therapist says : Yesterday’s history, tomorrow’s a mystery.” — Suzanne Warren

“If only we had an invisibility cloak.” — Suzanne Warren

“Don’t waste your time with silly bitches.” — Suzanne Warren

“My brain is always there for you…. thinking things… for you.” — Suzanne Warren

“The trick is to imagine the bugs being bugged by you.  You can’t give away your power.” — Suzanne Warren

Quote1Clarity is important.  You should be meticulous with your words.Quote2 — Suzanne Warren

“Don’t blame me.  I’m but a lowly instrument to the muses.” — Suzanne Warren

“The universality of my work unites all the races.” — Suzanne Warren

“Tell her she has nice titties.  Girls like that.” — Suzanne Warren

“I know something about loving people who aren’t smart enough to wanna be loved back.” — Suzanne Warren

Calm, logical, curious, and literary Suzanne Warren is a Rational.

Nicky Nichols, Netlfix, Orange is the New Black

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