New Line Cinema original film Wedding Crashers was released July 15th, 2005.
#Weddingcrashers hauled in $288.4M at the international box office.
rottentomatoes: 75%
metacritic: 64
imdb: 7.0
John Beckwith
John Beckwith and his friend Jeremy crash weddings to try and meet women outside of Washington D.C.
“You wanna hear the crazy thing? I know it doesn’t feel like it, but we’re making progress. We settled the deal with the cars. Let’s see, that takes us to frequent flyer miles. We’re flying! You know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna split ’em right down the middle. How’d that be, Mr. Kroeger? Oh, Lord. Hold it. This is getting confusing. You didn’t always hate each other. There had to be some nice moments during the courtship, maybe? Or the wedding? You have your decorations. Families coming together. That’s a nice moment. What’d you have to eat? Crab cakes, I love crab cakes. And did you have a band? Good or bad? That’s true. You got them playing ‘shout’ and you hate it. ♪ A little bit softer now oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ Hey. ♪ Yeah. Say yes. God, wouldn’t that be sweet? All we’re trying to say is, put your swords away for a second. Let’s finish this and let’s move on. Wow, now that you mention it, it is half full. Great. Great! Let’s sign the paperwork and we are done!” — John Beckwith
“What’s going on? You sandbagging son of a bitch! Okay, now, how many of ’em are cash bars? Oh yeah, perfect. And who’s gonna be there to catch ’em? Mr. Grey? Bingo. I’m gonna go get my suit. Oh, now who are we this time?” — John Beckwith
“Hey, Lou Epstein, I want you to meet a real Mensch, Chuck Schwartz. Okay. Mazel Tov! You both look beautiful up there today, particularly Debbie in that white dress. Enjoy it. After tomorrow, I don’t think you’re gonna be able to get away with wearing a white dress. Come here! I want you to take this note, bring it to that blonde girl. Hurry, ’cause I’m gonna time you. Go! And? Oh, shit. You weren’t supposed to see that. Now you probably think I’m a big pussy. Sanjay Collins. Shamus O’Toole. And we’re gonna get drunk. Yeah. We lost a lot of good men out there. Lost so many good men out there. Yes, with the Yankees. You lose good men to trades and unruly fans. I-look, I don’t want to talk about it, I’m sorry. You know how they say we only use 10% of our brains? I think we only use 10% of our hearts. And some poetry, courtesy of Sarah McLachlan.” — John Beckwith
“What are you gonna do for an encore? Walk on water? Oh my God, in front of all of ’em! And then everyone said, ‘Jabroni!’ Bacio! Bacio! Hot. Oh, no no. Oh, I’m sorry. Sarah, I feel like I don’t even know you. I hope just 50, but who knows?” — John Beckwith
“Yeah, real shot. You don’t think we’re being– I don’t want to say sleazy, ’cause that’s not the right word, but a little irresponsible, maybe? Yeah. We’re not that young. Hell of a season.” — John Beckwith
“Oh! Baba Ganoush. What do we got? Secretary Cleary? I don’t know. I mean, I thought the season was over. I was looking forward to kinda taking a break for a little bit. I’m tired, okay? My feet hurt. My voice is hoarse. What are you talking about? Who’s getting negative? I wasn’t sulking. I twisted my ankle. Please don’t quote the rules to me, I know them. You make it sound like a cult, okay? And from everything you’ve told me about Chaz, he sounds like a kook! He lived with his mother till he was 40! She tried to poison his oatmeal! Oh, Lord. Here we go again. I love your enthusiasm. If I do this, I don’t wanna half-ass it. I want it well planned. Sounds good. Okay. Could be fun.” — John Beckwith
“What do you got? Sailing? Harvard, Kennedy School of Government, mom’s big with charities, blah blah blah. Three daughters, one son. I get it. Good work. Let me see that again, please. We’re brothers from New Hampshire, we’re venture capitalists. Wait, that’s stupid. We don’t know anything about maple syrup. It’s the first quarter of the big game and you want to toss up a hail mary! I’d like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona, but it’s not Halloween! Grow up, PeterPan! Count Chocula! Look, we been to a million weddings. And guess what? We’ve rocked ’em all!” — John Beckwith
“The eagle has landed. No, don’t waste your time on girls with hats, they tend to be very proper. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Why don’t you say it a little louder? I don’t think the priest heard you. Tourette’s. John Ryan. Say hello to my brother Jeremy. We are Uncle Ned’s kids. Uncle Ned, the brother of Aunt Liz. Well, Dad kinda putters around the house. Aunt Liz sends her best. She couldn’t make it. Rule 16: give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot. She’s all yours. I ain’t gonna fight you. I think we’ve got a crier. $20. Done. It’s beautiful. It’s moving. It’s a wedding. $20, 1 Corinthians.” — John Beckwith
“Yes, you did, class, first class all the way. You were not lying. Okay, go get us seats near, but not too near, the bridal party. I’m going to go drop this box of fresh Wyoming air. Consider it done.” — John Beckwith
“Fondue set. The present you’re holding is a sterling silver fondue set. John Ryan. Well… I’m a psychic. Yes. Knife set. German. Very nice. Cotton linen, Egyptian. Oh, I’ll go all day. Place settings, candlesticks, crystal stemware which they’ll probably never use ’cause it’s… crystal stemware. This… uh… massage oils and a book on tantra from the wacky aunt. Who’s it from? Yes! I know. Unfortunately my powers only apply to useless consumer products. Hello. What have we got? Okay, so what angle you gonna play here? Haunted past, that’s it. Haunted past. Excellent. I’m gonna dance with the little flower girl or I might be a charter member of Oprah’s book club. Yes.” — John Beckwith
“I think I’m up to the challenge. All right, will you save me a dance for later? Okay. So how long have you and secretary been married? Oh, that’s beautiful. Hmm? Secretary Clear, John Ryan. I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia. I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda. Oh, thanks. Are you kidding me? I thought it was great. Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius. Now, if we can just get congress not to be so shortsighted. Stogies? Why not?” — John Beckwith
“Well, that’s what I need. Fun’s over. What a great guy. Well, everyon’e so nice. It’s easy. What? No no. Come on, they’re here because they want to believe they’re in the presence of true love. That’s why people come to weddings, ’cause they wanna believe in true love. True love is your soul’s recognition of its counterpoint in another. Uh, I saw it on a bumper sticker. So, you gonna give a toast? Nervous? What are you gonna say? You keep it in your cleavage. ‘I never thought my sister would find someone who cared about what other people thought as much as she did… until I met Craig?’ I know. But the whole funny-because-it’s-true bit only works if the truth is a small thing like ‘everyone knows, Jennifer likes to shop,’ ha ha ha. I think you’re better off going with something from the heart, honestly. I think you’re gonna hear crickets. Sounds of silence. Okay, go walk the plank. Go ahead. Hey, meet me at the back of the room. I’ll be the guy waiting to say ‘I told you so.’ Good luck.” — John Beckwith
“No. How you doing? No no, I need more time. Yeah. Really? Sounds sort of wonderful. Why? It’s gonna be so much fun! Problem solved. Deal us in. The train’s going. We gotta get on. What? What? Oh, no overtime? What about the Chang wedding three years ago? Yeah, thought I forgot about that. 2:00 A.M., you dragged me 50 miles to watch you and some chick play mah-jongg with her grandmother at a retirement home. How? Give me a break! You better lock it up. No, you lock it up. Lock it up.” — John Beckwith
“Oh, come on, you’re being paranoid. You’re not that good a dancer. Oh, get off your high horse. Stop judging people. I need some alone time with her. Let me lay it out for you in simple chapter and verse: you’re going. Yes, you are. You’re gonna be a team player for once in your life. Yes! Yes! Baba Ganoush! Baba Ganou!” — John Beckwith
“Come here, come here. Are you okay? Because I’m gonna need 100% of Jeremy this weekend and you’re looking a little weird. Great! Yep. A little pigskin, why not? I know you are. I think you look good. Yeah. I think he’s on steroids. It was like trying to cover a fucking racehorse. No no. No, I got a better idea. Look, I want you to fake the post, throw an interception to Claire, get her to feel good, you know? Gets them foamy. You think you can do that?” — John Beckwith
“Oh, you’re gonna cover me? All right, I like my odds here. I’m gonna give you a little warning, I’m going downtown. Look for me in the endzone after this play, I’ll be the guy holding the ball. What? I don’t know what ‘red seven’ means? I don’t– w-what is ‘hot route?’ No! I’m just getting over here. Hey, yo! Hit me! Hit me! What? Aw, he’s fine. Well, serves him right after that throw. Hey! Baba Ganoush! You okay? Great! You threw it perfectly! Come on, get up! Don’t oversell it. Come on, stop milking it. You make us look like a bunch of pussies.” — John Beckwith
“Hey, Jeremy, red moon dog 7-11! 42, 30-teen! Hut one! Hut two! Jeremy! No, you didn’t! You’re cheating! The only– what is his deal? What are you doing? It’s a game of touch. Every time I look over, you’re on your ass again. Oh, now you’re gonna blame me? ‘Cause you’re not athletic enough to stay on your two feet? Oh, don’t baby him, it just makes it worse. Oh, great. Game’s over. Satisfied? You got everyone on you now? Get all the attention. Yeah, it is.” — John Beckwith
“No, I don’t want ’em. It’s too hardcore. Yes. I don’t want to do it. I can beat this guy. Let’s be honorable for once. Give me the eyedrops. Say that five times, fast. You can’t do it. Self-sustaining– hey, Sack, how long have and Claire been seeing each other? Sure. And then of course, you can challenge the Klingons for interstellar domination, right? Uncle Ned’s kids. No no, it’s about, investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible. Like what? Well, there’s the company that we have where we’re taking the– the fur or the wool from the sheep and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew. And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew… …then, um… make some shirts and pants for other homeless people to sell. It’s a pretty good deal. Yeah. Thank you. Although, don’t make me out to be a saint just yet. We do turn a small profit. After all, someone has to pay for the, uh, lap dances for the big guy here. Shirts & Pants. Holy Shirts & Pants. It’s a little corny and obvious, what do you get out of being subtle, right? That would be terrific. That would be great, huh? That must have been so thrilling– FDR. My gosh, FDR was a wonderful president.” — John Beckwith
“What an athlete. A tremendous competitor. Oh, that’s a great school. Congratulations, Todd. That’s really impressive, ‘Rizdee.’ Oh, I’ll get some air if you want some company. Let me just change my shoes. Excuse me.” — John Beckwith
“Those… seem like lovely tits. Well, darn him. But Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden. Mrs. Cleary, I don’t– okay, cat– okay, kitty cat, this feels borderline inappropriate, and– what? Mrs. Cleary– I’m sorry, kitty cat. Are you out of your fucking mind? Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb-like. It’s amazing what they can do to–” — John Beckwith
“No, not right now. Claire’s Mom just made me grab her hooters. I wasn’t crying like a little girl. What is wrong with you? No, what’s wrong with you? Drop it. Drop it!” — John Beckwith
“Yeah, I’m sorry, I just, uh… sorry I’m late, I just– no no, I’m fine, I just– I just got, uh, held up. A little strange? Come on. Claire. Your family… are totally nuts. And guess what? I love it. Yeah, it seems great. Yes! It’s a family! You’re mixing it up. You got the sweet little grandma who’s really sweet with her, like, little, like, white hair, but then she’s kinda mean. But you’re like, ‘well, fuck it, she’s so old, and she’s not gonna change now.’ Shit, it was great! I just hope I didn’t embarrass myself with that stupid joke I told. No, really? Really? Doesn’t sound that great. That sounds horrible. The crazy guest who thinks he’s like a part of the family who’s gonna say inappropriate stuff? What is that? Yeah. Yeah, sure, okay. Yeah, we’ll take a walk some other time. Claire. I’ll– I’ll talk to you later.” — John Beckwith
Jeremy Grey
“Yeah. You know what, Ken? A bad idea would be to let tour client walk outta here today and drag this thing out for another year, wasting more time and wasting more money. The only good idea is to let me and John do our job and mediate this thing right here. Mm-hmm. The wedding had to be fun! You have your families together. Are you kidding me? Crab c– how could you not have a good time eating crab cakes? I love ’em. They’re phenomenal. Who gives a shit? It’s a great band, it’s a bad band, it’s like pizza, baby. It’s good no matter what. There’s music in the air! Yeah. ♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-hey ♪ Shout now, jump up and shout now ♪. It’s a good time, do you know what I mean? Rubbin’ up against each other, just a couple of kids who like to fuck, trying to make it honest. I get it. Guys, the real enemy here is the institution of marriage. It’s not realistic, it’s crazy! Hey, don’t do this for the other person. It’s about saying yes to yourself and saying yes to your future. And have some opportunities for yourself. I’m sure you’d love to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance, grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe. And how about you? Don’t you want to get inside Chastity without having to wonder if everyone’s gonna find out? Wouldn’t that be nice? And have some Latin guy sweating all over you, talking to you in languages you don’t understand, needing you, wanting you, taking you? Get out there and get some strange ass. Hey, John, that’s weird. That glass looks half full to me. This is just semantics. If you guys want to throw a couple miles at us, we’ll take a couple. The big thing is, is that we’re all movin’ on.”
“Oh, good, you got it. Is it 100% goose down? Are you sure? I sleep over at John’s house every year for his birthday. I guess it is a little creepy when a young man who happens to be an only child loses both his parents in a tragic accident one month before his birthday… …and then has a best friend make a vow that he will never spend his birthday alone again. Maybe that would fall under the category of creepy. That’s okay. Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering, ‘do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking to too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I’m not really interested. Should I play like I’m interested? But I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested. But do I wanna be interested? But now she’s not interested. So now, all of a sudden I’m– I’m starting to get interested.’ And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door? ‘Cause then it’s awkward, it’s like, ‘well, good night.’ Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where you like– you hug each other like this, and the ass sticks out because you’re trying not to get too close. Or do you just go right in and just kiss ’em on the lips or don’t kiss ’em at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation and all the while you’re just really wondering, ‘are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions?’ And perhaps play a little game called ‘just the tip.’ Just for a second, just to see how it feels, or ‘ouch ouch, you’re on my hair.'”
“Okay, can– can you– can you put that so he– he can’t see it? And thank you. Hey, Janice. Great talk. John? I gotta see you right away, it’s important. We’ve got three really big weeks ahead of us. It’s wedding season, kid! I got us down for 17 of them already. Great question, love where your head’s at, and two of ’em actually are. But… I got us covered. Purple hearts. We won’t have to pay for a drink all night. We are gonna have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that are so aroused by the thought of marriage, that they’ll throw their inhibitions to the wind. Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal! What do you like better? Christmas or wedding season? Yes, um, the answer would be, um… wedding season?”
“Oh, stop. Hi. Mazel Tov! Mazel Tov, baby! From my family to yours, Mazel Tov. Beautiful. You sly son of a bitch. Does anyone know what these are used for? No, not– not for– where’d you learn that? You want to get a whole combination. You gotta get the frostings in the middle and on the other end. That’s it, that’s it, that’s it, that’s it! Come on! Here, I’ll just pick this off, I’ll go grab another piece. That’s it. Whoa. In the words of the old country… L’Chaim! Look, I knew I was never gonna be a professional bullfighter, but that’s not why I did it. Can I say yes? Chuck Vindaloo, excited to be here. Bobby O’Shea. Ha-ha! I just don’t like to talk about it because we lost so many good men out there. Tattoo on the lower back. Might as well be a bull’s-eye. I feel to tiny in your arms. I’m 6’5″, but… I feel like I’m four feet.”
“All right let’s go, let’s go, let’s make a memory! Great guy. He brung me along too. Jesus. Come on! Get in there. You want that cake! You don’t treat cake like that. You gotta treat cake like a lady. Give her a kiss. Look at that. Ba ba ba. Ah-ha-ha! Oh-ho! Jabroni! This fucking guy, unbelievable! Hop in! Now spread it around on each other. We need a picture of this. They’re crazy! Time to party! Time to party! Come on, we need a picture. Get a picture. Ooh.”
“Ah. Bet that blonde was a real shot of life. No! One day, you’ll look back on all this and laugh, say we were young and stupid. A couple of dumb kids running around. Hell of a season, pal.”
“Christmas come early. The Secretary of the Treasury. The guy you loved since business school. Don’t thank me. John, what are you talking about? This is the Kentucky Derby of weddings. It’s the Clearys. They’re an American institution. Pal, there’s gonna be over 200 single women at this wedding. Not to mention, if you look here, they’ve got three live bands, they got oysters, snacks, phenomenal finger food. Oh, please don’t take a turn to negative town. Well, at the Buckner nuptials you were sitting and sulking in the corner. Rule #6: do not sit in the corner and sulk; it draws attention to you in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms. When Chaz Reinhold passed the savred rules of wedding crashing onto us 12 years ago, he gave us a legacy. You bite your tongue. Chaz Reinhold is not a kook! He is a brave and decent man. He is a pioneer! Erroneous! Erroneous. Erroneous on both counts! What you should be worried about is not Chaz Reinhold, who is in the hall of fame. What you’ should be worried about is you’re getting sloppy. Now, if you sit there and expect me to go out on a limb and try to pull off the greatest crash of all time, I gotta know that your head’s right. There is not room for error. Secret Service. Consequences. He’s back! All right, partner. We’ll start scheming tonight, okay? If you need me, I’ll be on line six.”
“Wow. Okay. Let’s do our pregame. A few articles on Secretary Cleary’s economic policies. There’s also a roster of key family members, a glossary, sailing terms. Sailing’s like sex to these people. They love it. Good. Okay, what’s our back story? I’m sick of that! Let’s be from Vermont and let’s have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate. I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup. I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. I like to take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I’ve had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?”
“Great day. The big show. Hey, hey. Fifth row back with the fancy hat. I like that. Yeah? The proper girl in the hate just eye-fucked the shit outta me. Look, John, I’m sorry I’m not sorry, okay? I’m not gonna apologize. I’m a cocksman. Hi, how are you? From the grave. She sends her best from the grave. We’ve become extremely spiritual ever since she passed. But thank you so much for your kindness, brother. Lord knows we need family now more than ever. Thank you. How many times are you gonna do this shit? Rule #32: you don’t commit to a relative unless you’re absolutely positive that they have a pulse. Rule #76: no excuses, play like a champion. Hello, red. Dibs. No shot. Make it 40. Oh, are you kidding me? Double or nothing, Colossians 3:12. Well, this is a first.”
“Sorry, just– just a sampler. Told you this would be classy, right? Class class class. They’ve got some kind of seasoning on here. It must be sprinkled. If you see any crab cakes, get your hands on some ’cause I love the crab cakes. Could I just have one more of the samplers here? Good. Come back with some more stuff. That’s good, though. These bacon-wrapped scallops, phenomenal. I’m gonna go with the balloon-animal display for the kids, and when she comes close to check it out, guess who’s a broken man? Haunted past. That’s it. How about you? It’s all deadly. I’ll see you in a little. Final touch. There it is. One happy elephant. All right. Who else wants something?”
“A bicycle? Well, a bicycle, that would take a lot of balloons and honestly Uncle Jeremy’s a little tired right now so why don’t we do something like, uh… let’s say a giraffe? Why-why are you yelling at me? I’m gonna make you a bicycle. But I don’t want to make you a bicycle. Go on, take it, you hyena. Don’t say thank you.”
“That thing? I’m just warming up. Last week I did a, uh, exact replica of– to scale– of Wrigley Field. Honest to God. I don’t have anywhere to put it. How about a dance? It’s just that we lost a lot of really good men out there. I’m sorry. Gloria, I think I gotta go get some fresh air. Thank you so much for the dance and it was wonderful to meet you. I wish I were stronger.”
“It was really great. We should probably head back so they’re not looking for us. First time? You were a virgin? Wow. I’m sorry?”
“I’ve been looking all over for you . I gotta get outta here pronto, I’ve got a stage five clinger. Did you hear what I just said to you? Stage 5? Virgin? Clinger? Let’s go, I’m gonna star the car. I’m serious, let’s go. I don’t think you’re appreciating the urgency here. Not only is she a virgin, she’s totally off the reservation. I’m terrified of this broad. Hey! Gloria, wow! What a coincidence, I was just singing your praises. This is John Ryan. I am– well it does, it sounds– it sounds very nice. But-but and I’m flattered that you would even think of me to include me in something like that, Gloria. Thank you. It kills me, however, to have to tell you I’m sorry, I just– timing’s no good. I won’t be able to make it. I’m sure it will be fun for the– for the people that are going. I-I unfortunately can’t go. I-I don’t have, um– I only have this monkey suit. I don’t have any clothes. The problem’s solved. The problem’s not solved. Hey, don’t ask your Dad! Don’t ask your Dad! Don’t– that’s true. Why don’t– why don’t you just feed me to the lions? Step on my head when I’m drowning. What a great friend. What do you mean, what? John, this is completely against the rules. You have a wedding a reception to seal the deal. Period. There’s no overtime. No! Oh, that’s bullshit. Yeah, completely different situation. What do you mean how? She was a very very family-oriented girl. And she was very into her grandmother. They’re very family-oriented. That was my first asian! You better lock it up. You lock it up. Lock it up.”
“Look at the way he’s looking at me. I can tell he doesn’t like me, John. He’s the secretary of the treasury. And to be honest with you, my taxes aren’t exactly in line. He’s threatened by the way I dance. Damn it! Why’d I have to go showin’ of like that? Now I’m all over his radar. Stupid! Oh, please! You and I both know I’m a phenomenal dancer. Now I know you’re lying through your teeth! You’ll do anything to ge tme to go on this thing, even if I have to walk right into the lion’s den. She’s like a kid at Toys R Us. I can’t be around it. You take off the white wig, and you stop judging me. I don’t want to be around someone who’s a nut job. If you want to go hang out with Claire, the boyfriend and Cybill, by all means. I’m not going. Let me break it down for you so you understand: I’ll hold your hand like a small child. I’m not going. You can go if you want. I’m– no, I’m not. What do I do?”
“Yeah. She took me below deck for 45 minutes. I don’t have any bodily fluids left in me. Yeah? I’m not even gonna say it, but you– you-you know I’m upset. You know I don’t look good. The what? Just hike the ball, nut job. What happened, toast? Well, don’t worry about it. We’ll burn ’em with the post. John, I was first team all-state. I can put the ball wherever I want to. I’ll make it rain out here. All right, guys, bring it in. Blue 17! Blue 17! Red 17!”
“Hot route! Red seven, red seven, red seven! John! Red seven! Hot route! Will you just go stand on the other side, please? Down! Ready, down, set! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike! I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I’m not selling anything.”
“If I had any air in my lungs, I’d scream at you! I hate you. Oh! My back hurts. Oh, Jesus Christ. It burns. It stings. Oh, Jesus. No. No no no. No no no. No, I don’t need any blowing. I’m good, I’m good. I’m– thank you. Oh. Yeah. Um, uh, okay. That’s fun. That’s nice. Okay, I’m a little confused, just like eight hours ago you were a shy little virgin, and now you’re not wearing any panties. I’m just trying to-to catch up with you here. I do what– no no no. He’s tired. He’s tired. He’s in time-out, he’s in time-out. Gloria, please! I’m exhausted, I’m exhausted. I’ve had a very long day. I’m just a– I had your sister’s boyfriend dry hump me up and down the field all afternoon. My leg’s cut and bleeding. I’m just– I’m not really in the mood for this. Ow! Jesus Christ! Wha– this is not like that. What are you talk– it’s not like that! Ow! Ow! No! Wait! Wait! It’s just that I’m feeling very strongly that we’re only starting to express ourselves in a physical, sexual-specifically way. That’s it! Wait! And I’d like to play some catch-up on finding out who’s inside here. Okay? Ever. Yeah.”
“Okay. I don’t even wear a belt. Beltless. Yes, you are. All right, you gotta step this up already. I’m gonna give you the damn eyedrops. Well, do you want to be alone with her or not? Put a few of these in his drink and he’ll be going down on toilet seat for the next 24 hours. Thank you. They actually look terrific. Maybe I’ll actually try some when I get the sensation back in my face. From the, uh… football game. Stop traffic. Because when I go back to town, I’m actually gonna see an orthopedist about what you did to my back. And not just any orthopedist, I’m gonna see a Dr. Epstein, who specializes in– oh. Thanks a lot. I– really just got lucky. I was more in the zone than anything else. It was the booze dancing. You know… Uncle Ned? Aunt Liz’s brother. Ned and Liz. That’s right. People– people helping people. Oh! He’s joking around. It feels so good when he jokes. Holy sh– terrific, it was terrific.”
“Todd, I noticed that you haven’t even touched your food yet. Wow. All right. I’m gonna– can’t walk away from the delicious food that we got here.”
“John, I need to talk to you. What’s wrong with you? Why you got the weird look all over your face? Well, snap out of it! What? A hot, older woman made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl. Why don’t you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems? Jackass. What were they like, anyway? They look pretty good. Are they real? Are they built for speed or for comfort? What you do with ’em? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? Ppppt! You motorboating son of a bitch. You old sailor, you! Where is she? She still in the house? What do you mean what’s wrong with– what’s wrong with you? No, what’s wrong with you? You’re projecting. You drop it! You stop projecting on me. Why don’t you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood? ‘Team player.'”
Claire Cleary
“Handsome. I’m sorry, I have a tickle in my throat.”
“Excuse me? Claire Cleary. Uh, so how do you know that? You’re psychic? Really? What’s that one? Hmm. And that? Ooh. What about that? Okay, how about that? Let’s check. Aunt Millie. Well, you– you have a gift. Well, you know, if the police are missing a Belgian waffle maker you could, um, give ’em a hand. Oh, okay. This is John Ryan.”
“Oh, so you’re hiding, I see. Sorry to interrupt. Um, Christina wants to talk to you. Yeah. You are a big hit at this wedding. They’re all full of shit. Half of these people are here because of my Dad. They’re all just, you know, suckling at the power teat. What’s true love? Well, it’s a little cheesy, but… I like it. Yes. Mm… little bit. Um… would you? Nowhere else to put it. Normally, I’m not very good at these things, but I-I think this one’s pretty good. Yes! That’s funny! That’s funny because it’s true. You know, people like funny. I think that people are gonna like this. I think you’re wrong. Nope. Mm-hmm. I’m sticking to it.”
“I never thought that my sister would find someone who cared about what other people thought as much as she did until I met Craig. Uh… um… as you all know, my sister and Craig are both lawyers at big law firms in New York. But that’s not the only thing they have in common. Um, but they both like the color green like Craig’s eyes and money. Um, uh… you know, someone once told me that true love is the soul’s recognition of its counterpoint in another. And I think that that’s a very rare thing in this world. And I think it’s something to be valued. And I’m just really happy that my big sister’s found it. Uh, congratulations, Chris.”
“You totally saved me. Yes. No. Okay. Uh, John, this is– this is my boyfriend, Sack. Okay, was great to meet you. Thank you!”
“Like white on rice. Are you running away from me? Hey, is your brother okay? No no no, I think he’s really hurt.”
“Blitz! I got you! You’re cheating! Oh my God, your brother, he’s down again. Three and a half. Yeah, um, actually, we started dating while we were doing habitat for humanity. Well, not too soon, um… we still have a lot of things that we want to accomplish. So is it just about the money? That’s– that’s very admirable. Oh Lord. Grandma, you can’t talk like that, okay? It’s not right. Honey, are you okay? Okay.”
“I know. Actually, um, Todd is an amazing painter. He’s going to the Rhode Island school of design. You know, um… I think I’m gonna get some air. Sure.”
“Hey! Good thing I didn’t hold my breath. You okay? Hmm. My family’s a little strange? What? You do? Really? I get a little self-conscious. Oh. Are you kidding? That was so funny! Yeah! You’re like that crazy guest who thinks he’s part of the family already, it’s– no, it’s cute. Yeah. You know, you break the ice. It can be so stuffy sometimes in there. Yeah? Oh, really? Okay. Yeah. No, I’ll be right in. Um, I should– I should go check on him. Mm-hmm? Okay.”
“Oh no. Are you okay? Honey, it’s okay to vulnerable sometimes. It’s just me. Right.”
Sack Lodge
“Claire, come on. Come here. Mm! Oh, baby, you were awesome. Listen to me, awesome. Hey, fella. Listen, we’ve gotta go meet the Schreibers. Boom, I gotcha! Oh, great! Good to see you.”
“Okay okay. Home sweet home. You okay? Gentlemen, everything okay? Great? Don’t forget to stretch, guys. We’re gonna be on the field in 10. A little out of shape? Way to anticipate that rush, man. Hey, shut up! You gotta anticipate that rush. You did a great job. Get it up! Boo-ya! Big tree fall hard, right? How many fingers I got up? Come on, Pepe, how many fingers I got up? Oh, come on, I got four. Okay, here’s five. Man down! We got a man down! You okay? What’s that? I don’t know– I don’t know what got into me, Secretary, I just– is that right?”
“Hoo-ah! I– I don’t know what’s getting into me today, guys. It’s just–“
“So, I am president of the environment defense league. And I pick up this little sea otter, and– and– and– wipe off the oil from the tanker spill. And the whiskers. And the oil’s– the oil’s flapping, he goes– amen. I, uh, I bought them from an organic scallop farm right off the coast of, uh, Nattachoke. And now it’s the state’s only self-sustaining scallop farm. Again, Jeremy, I’m sorry. I just, you know, I have this damn competitive streak. Um… I’m seeing a Buddhist about it. Claire and I? Um, what’s it been, sweetheart? A couple years? Pretty soon… we’ll be getting married. Yep. Hear, hear. Sorry guys, I forgot. How are you connected to the family again? Hmm. No, I don’t know. Well, like what? Give me an example. What’s this, uh, company called? I think I’m gonna go to bed. Oh, yeah, I’m fine. You know, I’m just a little tired. Thanks. Oh, yeah. Yeah.”
“Well, Claire, um… my head’s buried in a toilet. What do you think? Why don’t you do the math, okay? Yeah, you can just cut that psychobabble bullshit that your mom tells you, okay? Hey, you wanna help me out? Do ya? Do ya, kid? Why don’t you go get me a 7-up, okay? All right, ’cause I think I’m– I think I might get vulnerable again.”
Secretary Cleary
“That’s the truth. Thanks. Hi, John. You’ve read my position paper? A sailor? Good man, take a seat. You didn’t happen to catch my speech on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue, did you? Yes! Well put. ‘Shortsighted.’ John, what do you say you and I head out to the deck and light up a couple of cigars? Yeah.”
“Well, the guy wants to run for President. He thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease. Claire… funny. Franklin!”
“Gloria, come on! You know I’m not gonna give in to this kind of behavior.”
“You know, we were thinking about a little game of touch football, you know. Cleary family tradition. Great. Ready! Set! Hut! Hut! Hike! I do. Five generations of Lodge family breeding. Your father used to pull the same stunt… …when we were your age. Jeremy! Sit this play out. Todd, come on in. It wouldn’t kill you to play some competitive sports once in a while, would it? Pfft. Jesus.”
“Nature versus nurture, Lodge. Nature always wins. Let’s take a daiquiri time-out.”
“Get him all patched up? Gloria bug. You go change for dinner. You know, she’s not just another notch on the old belt. I’m a very powerful man. See you for dinner.”
“Perfect. Mmm. Oh, these scallops look fantastic. Actually, Sack got the governor to subsidize part of the project. Not just any Buddhist. His holiness, the Dalai Lama. He’s a good friend. Anyway, once Claire and Sack tie the knot, two of the great American families, the Clearys and the Lodges will finally unite. Jeremy… I saw you on the dance floor. You move pretty good. So, Jeremy, you and your brother are venture capitalists. That’s great. Venture capitalist. The backbone of the system. It’s the new pioneer. Well, that’s a hell of a good project. I’m gonna mention something to the commerce secretary. Mommy. You all right?
“Mommy, let’s not go there again. Now, Todd! Actually, truth be told, polling shows a majority of the American people would ultimately empathize with out situation. Okay. Mommy, we’ve had a long day.”
“Claire? There you are. Have you checked on Sack? I think he’s pretty sick. Yeah.”
Kathleen Cleary
“Mr. Senator. Thank you. Claire, we need you for pictures. Who’s your friend? Excuse us.”
“Let’s see how you do with somebody your own age. 30 years next April. Yeah, and we were faithful for two of them. Enjoy the party.”
“Ooh. Ooh! Oh! Oh. Sweetheart, why don’t you take him into the house and fix him up? It’s hot out here. You should have played in your underwear. I’ll get you a drink. Somebody– somebody get me another scotch for Christ Sakes!”
“Oh, for God sakes, William, put Mommy to bed already. You just go right ahead, Toddy.”
“I just had my tits done. You like ’em? William doesn’t give a shit about my tits. You’ve been playing cat and mouse with me ever since you came here. Call me cat. Call me kitty cat. Feel them. I said feel them. Kitty cat. I’m not letting you out of this room until you feel them. Pervert.”
Gloria Cleary
“And now a reading from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians. ‘Love is patient, love is kind.'”
“Hi. You’re good. Ha! Okay, then I’ll take a sportscar. That’s what I really wanted. Jeremy! Jeremy, wait up!”
“Ah! That was amazing! I always knew my first time would be on a beach. Mm-hmm. Jeremy, we’re gonna be so happy together. I love you. I love you!”
“Here you are! Oh, hi. So my family and a few friends, we’re all going back to our little place on the shore and it would be so great if you guys came. It’s gonna be so much fun! No, we have everything you need. Problem solved! Oh, cool cool cool! I’m gonna run and find my Dad! Ah!”
“Please! It would mean so much to me, please! He’d love you to come.”
“Hey honey! I’m over here! Whoo! Go, Jeremy! Oh! Sure, Mom. Oh! Poor baby. You want me to blow on it? Jeremy, I’m not wearing any panties. That’s right. Ooh, ah, oh! You do that to me. ooh. Where’s my little friend? Where’s my little friend? Where’s my little friend? My father warned me about people like you, Jeremy. I’m just another notch on your belt! Really?! Then what’s it like, Jeremy, huh? Huh?! Jeremy. Jeremy, you’re amazing! Oh God, I think you’re amazing. Oh my God, don’t ever leave me. Good! ‘Cause I’d find you.”
“Of course like all kids, I had imaginary friends, but not just one. I had hundreds and hundreds of them from different background who spoke different languages. And one of them, whose name was Caleb, he spoke a magical language that only I could understand. I sure did, Daddy.”
Todd Cleary
“You must be joking. Well, would that make you love me?”
“I don’t eat meat or fish. Yeah, Dad– Dad used to think I’d be a political liability, you know, in case he ever ran for president. What is our situation, Dad?! I’ll be in my room painting. Homo things.”
Janice
“Yes. Why do you need this? Okay, that’s not creepy. Oh my God. I’m so sorry. No, you’re really sweet. I’ve got the perfect girl for you. Okay.”
Mr. Kroeger
“I don’t have custody of the kids. I don’t get custody. Right now, right now she doesn’t know where the kids are, do you? Are they at home? Probably at a firehouse somewhere. Are they at home? Are they at home? A perfect mother? I can’t have custody. Right now. Where is Tim right fucking now? Hey, I got an idea. Why don’t you just kiss my left nut? Those are mine. It would be no- not good at all! I earned those miles! Well, she’s not afraid to express herself sexually if that’s what you mean. She is not! That’s it, go comatose for me, baby. Could you give her a glass of water so she can take that? Nah, sweetie, you take the miles. Could you two just not talk anymore?”
Mrs. Kroeger
“You know what? You know what? It is an insane pathetic joke, what I’ve had to go through. Do not talk about me as a mother. I’m so sick to death of you talking bout me as a mother and what I’ve done wrong! Do not talk about that! I am sick of you accusing me of not being a good mother! Seven years I’ve been a good mother! Just remember when we went out. Just remember how you– Don’t you talk about me being a mother. I hate you! I want them. Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to mee t your whore. She’s a stripper, for God’s sake! Her name is Chastity! She is white trash! Same as you. Hillbilly! You shut your mouth when you’re talkin’ to me! Crab cakes. Yeah. He can have the miles.”
Divorce Lawyers
“I told you this was a bad idea.”
Weddings
“And as we carry on the tradition of thousands of years, we honor the eternal bond that stretches through the ages. I have known this couple for many years. Deborah I’ve actually known for her entire life. I was at her house when her parents bought her from the hospital, and I was there the day she graduated from medical school. Josh I have known since his Bar Mitzvah, which those of you who were there know it as not a very pretty sight. But he has pulled himself together nicely, and he’s grown into a remarkable young man himself. He never got the courage to ask her out, until 10 years later. Josh was in the emergency room, and he saw Debra again and he said to himself… ‘wait! That’s the girl I’m going to marry!’ I now pronounce you man and wife.”
“♪ Hava Nagila ♪ Hava Nagila ♪ Hava Nagila, ba ba ba! ♪. Oh my. ♪ Nagila, Hava Nagila Ve’nismecha ♪ Hava Nagila, Hava… ♪. Rolling a fatty. ♪ Ba-ba ba ba ♪. Ooh! L’Chaim! Hi. Who gave this to you? ♪ Oh, love ♪. You know I saw you at the wedding. You were crying. No, you were so sweet. Come here. Weren’t you scared?”
“Who is that? Uh, him. Uh, I think that’s his kid Leonard. The diabetic. Who is that? That’s Luigi and Gina’s son Christopher. You know, the banker. Oh, that’s Mae Lin’s adopted son Benny, the veterinarian. The French Foreign Legion? Wow, really? Mount Everest? Oh! Playing with the Yankees? Mmm. Really? How tall are you?”
“It’s Vivian. Would you say you’re completely full of shit or just 50%?”
“Congratulations, Kathleen. Bill, congratulations. Secretary, they just grow up so damn fast.”
“Frank Myers. So, um how do you know the groom? Mm-hmm. Uncle Ned. Is he Liz’s brother? How is everybody? Uh, yeah, I know. Uh, ah… she’s dead. I see. You’re welcome.”
“And now for our next reading, I’d like to ask the bride’s sister Gloria up to the lectern. As you all know, Craig and Christina are quite the sailing enthusiasts. In that light, they have elected to exchange vows which they themselves have written. The ring. I, Craig, take you, Christina, to be my wife, my best friend and my first mate… through sickness and health, clear skies and squalls. I, Christina, take you, Craig, to be my best friend, and my captain…to be your anchor and your sail……your starboard and your port. And now I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the first mate.”
“I want a bicycle. I just want a bicycle! Whatever, make me a bicycle, clown! Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it! Maybe.”
“And so, after my ninth stint in rehab, um, Craig– oh, Craig. Craig was the only one who still believed in me. Been sober now for eight months. And uh… I thank God every day, for sending me a friend like Craig. I love you, man.”
“Clothes fit. Are you ready? Are you ready for some football? You want the noise brought on you? ‘Cause here it comes. The noise brought on you, ’cause here it comes. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. Yes! Yes! Crab cakes and football! That’s what Maryland does! Nice one! Way to bring it! No, I just saw you had it. Cool, no, of course I do. That’s what we call a sack lunch! Num-num-num-num-num-num! Ow! Bird.”
“That looked like it hurt. Daiquiris.”
“Let us bow our heads in prayer. Heavenly father, we thank you for thy bounty at this table… …and ask that you bless the entire Cleary family and all the friends here assembled. Amen. It’s the new pioneer.”
“Isn’t my Willy doing a wonderful job there in Washington? You know, Willy’s father, my husband… …was the secretary of state for president Franklin Roosevelt. He was a doll. The wife, though, Eleanor– big dyke! Huge dyke! A real rug muncher! Looked like a big lesbian mule. He’s a homo. You’re a homo. I can do it myself, asshole. Mmm, wonderful scallops. Absolutely. Wonderful.”