Universal Pictures original film Half Baked was released January 16th, 1998.
#HalfBaked made $17.4M at the international box office.
rottentomatoes: 28%
metacritic: 16
imdb: 6.6
Thurgood Jenkins
Thurgood Jenkins is a janitor in Manhattan, New York.
“Hey. What’s up, everybody? I’m Thurgood Jenkins. You know, it’s funny, but I can trace the entire path of my life… to one childhood memory. My last clear memory, really. You see, it was the summer before ninth grade. It was me, Brian, Kenny, Scarface… and of course the lovable Old James. Oh, hold on. Wait a minute. Old James– Old James wasn’t there. I don’t even know nobody named Old James. Shoot. Go on!” — Thurgood Jenkins
“All right. Here goes nothin’. I don’t remember graduatin’. And my first sexual experience– I don’t remember that either. But, man, I will never forget the first time I smoked… that sweet, sweet cheeba. Man! I’ve heard people say they don’t get high the first time they smoke. Not me. Oh, not us. We were really, really high. A little. We look at that day as the day we met the fifth member of our crew– marijuana! Oh, Lord, we was hooked!” — Thurgood Jenkins
“So, now we all live together in New York. I myself am a master of the custodial arts, or a janitor if you want to be a dick about it. Anyway, I work at this lab, Frankensense and Burr Pharmaceutical. They do pharmaceutical testing for the government… and big corporations and– and I am the happiest custodian alive. This job… sucks. Abba-Zaba, you my only friend. Ah, it could be worse. I could have Scarface’s job. Scarface is kind of a hyper guy for a pothead.” — Thurgood Jenkins
“Kenny is probably doin’ the best out of all of us. He’s a kindergarten teacher at some school downtown, which I know might scare a lot of parents, seeing as how he’s and weedhead and all. But let me tell you, man, that guy does wonders for those children’s self-esteem. Brian works at a new and used record store. He gets to talk about music all day.” — Thurgood Jenkins
“As far as herb goes, you can get it all over this town. I mean, they might call it the city that never sleeps, but I’ll tell you this. It takes a lot of fuckin’ weed naps. Free! You can get the stuff at little corner stores called bodegas. Say it with me: bo-de-gas. Yes, very good. These places always have incredibly old products. Come esta, fellas? But the weed ain’t bad. Let me get four dime bags. Jose, you crazy, man. He’s crazy. Come on, man. Let me get them dimes. See, the problem with bodegas is they never remember you. You always have tom do something extreme to let ’em know that it’s you and you’re cool. Hey, fellas. Y’all know me. Come on, now. Look at this. It’s a little degrading. If you desperate, you can get it from the Rastas at Washington Square Park, but their stuff ain’t even weed most of the time. I don’t fall for that shit anymore.” — Thurgood Jenkins
“Then there’s a delivery service run by a guy named Samson Simpson. Now, when you can afford it, this is the best way. I mean, you can get anything you want, from weed to heroin. Now, I don’t do drugs, though. Just weed. Coming. See, all you have to do is call them up, and a half hour later, you got a delivery guy at your house. What a country! Secret code. Come on in. How are the highs, man? Yeah. I see those. What, did you go to weed college? Damn, *****. All right. Give me a 50 bag of that. Pleasure’s all mine. Tell Samson I said hello, would ya?” — Thurgood Jenkins
“Now, everyone has their own little ritual when it comes to smokin’. Dope has arrived, fellas. And we were no different. Break out Billy Bong Thornton. Whoo! Shoes off. Oh, Brian, put yours back on, man. Yeah. Not me. That’s it? Oh, yeah. Get me a box of condoms, and, um, what’s that stuff? We used to eat it all the time back in the day. *****. That’s right. Thanks, man. If he ain’t back in 10 minutes, we callin’ Domino’s. That is so cool, man. He got the same dealer as us. Samson. That’s where I want to live. Right there.” — Thurgood Jenkins
“Hey, *****, what time is it? Where the hell is he? Did he just move? Hey, Kenny. How they treatin’ you in there? Hey, Kenny, we’re gonna get you out of there, man. Hey! Kenny, stop crying. Stop crying, Kenny. Look at me. Come on. Don’t let them see you cry in there. Come on, man. Show me your mean face. Yes, show me your mean face, Kenny. That’s good. I mean, work on it a little bit, but it’s good. Kenny, how long can you make it in there? Come on, man. It’s gotta be a little longer than that. But-but– but we’ll get you out, right, guys? Free as a bird.” — Thurgood Jenkins
“Hey, lady. Miss, is this your purse? I’m sexy. I’m a scholar. People like me. Hey, where you goin’? Well, uh, can I leave with ya? And your name is? Really? Nah, this is my costume. You know, uh, tomorrow I’ll be a cowboy, the day after that an Indian. Every day of the week, I dress up like a different Village Person. It’s a thing I’m into. Nah, I’m a custodian. So, what are you here for? Wow. Wow, that must’ve been the shit. That must’ve been shitty. I don’t do drugs. Drugs make me sick. They’re bad for your body. Up with hope, down with dope. Bouncy. Body. Is that Prell? Do you use Prell?” — Thurgood Jenkins
“Hey, guys. Meet Mary Jane. No, no. This is Mary Jane. Meet her. Say hello to her. Shake her hand even. I’m sorry to hear that. You know, I think what they’re tryin’ to say is we’d love a ride home. What the hell’s wrong with y’all? I hate y’all. Hey, thanks for this ride. We really appreciate it. Guys, shut up about the weed for two seconds. I don’t want this girl to know I smoke. Custodian, dick. Hey!” — Thurgood Jenkins
“Could you drop me in the lobby? It’s perfect. I could feel she wanted me to say something. I had to make my move while the guys were asleep. I’m real bad at this kind of thing, but you think sometime we could get together, maybe go out for some ice cream or something? Damn. Thanks a lot, fellas. Thanks for the ride. I knew it! I knew it! You know, I might’ve came on too strong with the whole ice cream thing. Let me just give you my number. Is that cool? All right. Now, don’t call too late, ’cause you know I be strippin’ in the evenings. Joking! Here you go. You call me anytime you want. ‘Maybe’ is an acceptable answer. It’s that ‘no’ thing that gets me. Maybe I’ll hear from you. Be thinkin’ about you.” — Thurgood Jenkins
“Aaah! Sorry about that. What is it, scientist? Just run this down? Got ya. I know this isn’t your responsibility, but mop the rest of this shit up. I’ll be right back. Don’t it smell like, uh– it smell like– no. No. I smell weed, man. Hey. Here you go. I guess. I don’t know. Okay. Damn. Either someone’s having a party, or somebody gotta do their shirt laundry. I– I sign for this, and it’s mine? And I take it? Oh, yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much. Some good shit. Thank you. Thank you. Sure. Hey, why didn’t you tell me you were into this shit? We could’ve been hangin’ out months ago. Mmm. Wow. If you ever need a guinea pig, let me know. My grandfather was in the Tuskegee experiments. Thank you, scientist. Got any papers?” — Thurgood Jenkins
“Hey, fellas. What’s goin’ on? Yeah. I got some weed at work today, if y’all wanna try it out. Me neither. Me neither. So, y’all want to smoke? That’s what I’m talkin’ about. Man, they got a whole bunch of this stuff at work. One of them scientists gave it to me. Ain’t tried the shit out yet, but it smells like the bomb. Yeah, man. I’ll do the honors. Excuse me. That shit made my head hot. Pass it this way. Don’t break the cipher. Oh– hold it. I gotta give The Guy some of this. The Guy gotta taste this. Hey, Guy. Hey, man. Sorry to wake you, but you gotta try this. Hey, who’s on munchies tonight? For real. I don’t know about y’all, but I can’t even move. Yeah. Yeah.” — Thurgood Jenkins
“I don’t need to tell you this, but this weed was… the shiz-nittle-bam-snip-snap-sack! Look! We’ve really gotta get this guy out of jail. Man, you can’t up and decide to sell weed. You gotta know people to plug you into that kind of thing. Who you know? Me? What, you think I can just walk in and take this shit? I gotta– I gotta get a form from a scientist. What the fuck are you talkin’ about, man? Look, I’m not stealing weed. We are not selling’ weed. We are three reasonably bright young men. There has got to be a legitimate way to come up with this money. We just gotta think. That’s all that is. Mm-hmm. You suggested that already. Marijuana effects the memory. Too risky, man. Okay, fine. Fine. We’ll do it. Gonna do it till Kenny’s out, and we’re done. We’re not drug dealers. We’re fund-raisers. Okay. Scarface, lay it on me, brother.” — Thurgood Jenkins
“Scareface’s plan wasn’t that bad. Hey, good night, Mike. Good night. See, all I had to do was get some forms… from that scientist that kept calling me janitor, forge one of the forms and put the order in like I did before. Thank you. Then we scraped together what little money we had… and bought bikes to help us move the product, then stapled samples of our weed on the back of our business cards. Then we called the company Mr. Nice Guy in honor of our friend Kenny.” — Thurgood Jenkins
“It’s not the most honest plan. You might not like it. We figured the best way to spread the word was to hit the streets. And hit the streets we did. Three for dinner. Smoke that and get back to us. Mr. Nice Guy has arrived, baby. It’s on. All right. Oh, yes. All right, guys. Be quick. Let’s just do this and get out of here. It’s money. All right, how’d you guys make out? That would make three of us. All right. We did our part, right? I just hope they smoke it. Damn, this weed is good.” — Thurgood Jenkins
“We are in business, man. Calm down. Calm down. Mr. Nice Guy. Speaking. Well, could you be a little more specific? I get so many rides home from prison. That was a joke. What happened? I didn’t think you were gonna call me. Oh. Not funny. So, uh, you wanna get together? How ’bout right now? Just meet me at the place where you dropped us off at. Yeah, half an hour’s cool. All right. Okay. Bye-bye. I’ve got a date with Mary Jane! Yes! Y’all got money?” — Thurgood Jenkins
“The date couldn’t have come at a worse time. I was flat broke. All my money was tied up in our drug-dealing venture. I only had eight bucks. This was gonna take some careful budgeting and maneuvering. Watch the master at work. You look great. You look wonderful.” — Thurgood Jenkins
Scarface
“This stuff didn’t even work. Come on. Let’s just go get some candy and get out of here, B.”
“You son of a bitch, I’m right behind you! Turn around and ask me for a Heifer with cheese, yo! Why you gotta make me feel inferior ’cause I’m on the grill, B? Damn!”
“Yeah. All right. Light it up. For real, B. Do your sock laundry, yo. Yo, who’s on munchies tonight, yo? Yeah, that’s what I’m sayin’, yo. All right, yo.”
“Yo. Psst. Thurgood. Word, yo. All we gotta do is raise 10 percent of one million, yo. Which, by our calculations– cuidate, yo. They gonna kill him in there, yo. Word, yo. Let’s go, B.”
“That’s what he’s sayin’. We wanna burn one. Oh, my fault. What’s up? She look good, yo. Shotgun! Yeah, it’s bad enough you’re a janitor, yo. Motherfucker said ‘ice cream!'”
“What’s up? Nah, yo. We don’t feel like smokin’ right now. I’ll get Billy Bong Thornton. Yeah. Yo, this shit must be good, B. My man ain’t coughed like that since back in the day, yo. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. We should make that lazy bitch The Guy, go, yo. For real, B, right? It’s like I feel stuck here, yo. Like I’m glued to the floor. Yeah.”
“I got it! I know how we could get Kenny out. Weed, man. We’ll sell weed. I do! You, yo. Word, yo. Wait. Wait. I think I got an idea. Why don’t we sell that shit we smoked the other night, yo? For real, B? It won’t take us hardly any time, B. Stop bein’ such a wussy, yo. What other choice do we have, right? Of course, B. Check it out, yo. It’s like this.”
“We’re gonna sell weed, yo. Let’s go. Good. I’m all out of cards, B. This is so– word, yo?”
Mary Jane Potman
“Yes. Give it to me. Bye. I’m leaving. Follow me. Mary Jane. Yes. So what’s up with this? Is that your work uniform? Possession of narcotics. My father’s a drug dealer. It ruined his life. Hi. Hey. Listen, do you guys need a ride? I have a car. You don’t have to take the subway. No. My grandmother died of lung cancer. Great. Sure. Hey.”
“This good for ya? Okay! All the boys in the car need to get out. Thurgood! You forgot your hat. Okay. Maybe. Bye.”
“Oh, I may have the wrong number. Um, is Thurgood around? Oh, hey, hey. It’s Mary Jane. Do you remember? I gave you a ride home from prison? Oh. Well, I wasn’t, but then I decided I don’t care what my friends think. See, that was a joke. Get it? A little joke. Okay. Sure. When? Okay. Can you give me half an hour? Great. I’ll see you there. Bye.”
“Hey. Thank you.”
Brian
“Yeah, I feel my chest cavin’ in. Do you guys feel different? How ’bout you, Scarface? How you doin’, Kenny? Kenny? Do you guys hear that? Feels like Jerry Garcia’s in my head. Am I goin’ crazy?”
“Hi. Lady, you want seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record? I’ll give you five. All right, I’ll give you four. Jan, stop it, man.”
“Yeah. Billy, good to see you, man. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm– get some… sour cream and onion chips… with some dip, man. Some beef jerky. Some peanut butter. Get some Haagen Dazs ice cream bars. A whole lot. Make sure chocolate. Gott have chocolate, man. Some popcorn. Bread. Popcorn. Graham crackers. Graham crackers with the marshmallows, the little marshmallows. And little chocolate bars. We’ll make some s’mores, man. Also celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch with the little crunch berries. Pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man. Everything on ’em. With water, whole lot of water. And… Funyuns. Yeah. Yeah. I’m hungry, man.”
“This guy is weed crazy. Look at that. What do you mean? Oh, right.”
“It’s 8:30. Kenny didn’t come home last night. We are worried, man. Come on, guys. We gotta get Kenny out of jail, man. Is fucking impossible, man! A million doll– sorry, man. I’m sorry. Yeah, you’re out. You’re out of here. Have fun, Ken. He looked all right, man. Thurgood. Come on, man. We gotta go. Get on the train. Toke up before we go to work. What are you doing, man? What are you doing, man? Yeah. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.”
“All right. Wow. You smoke? Well, that’s all the more reason to toke up, man. Ease the pain. Ah! That’s what I’m talkin’ about. Mary Jane! What is that about, man? Such a dork, man. I’m talkin’ to you.”
“Nothin’, man. Bummin’, thinkin’ about Kenny. No, Scarface. No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny. That would not be right, man. Use Wesley Pipes. Yeah. All right. Please do. You sure I should do this, man? Yeah. I’m takin’ it slow, man. Oh, yeah. You guys feel like you’re floating? Wanna go outside? Wow, look at that! Hey, guys. Let’s go check in on Kenny, huh?”
“How? Well, how hard can it be, man? There’s gotta be forms laying around. I mean, they are scientists. Fully, man. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fully, man.”
“Whoa. Ken, listen, man. We got a plan. All right, man. Look at all these people, man! Let’s go, man. Me too. All right, man.”
Kenny
“Why don’t you light it up there, brother? Feel anything? I haven’t been so thirsty in my entire life.”
“Oh, I love you so much, little one. All of you. All of you are so good.”
“Yeah. Gentlemen, assume your positions. Fire in the hole. I guess that’d be me. What do you guys want? Anyone want anything else? You got it. Hey, hey! If I’m not back in 10 minutes, call the police.”
“Hey, girl. You hungry? Hey, I’m sorry. I was talkin’ to the horse here. See the trouble you’re gettin’ me into? You’re hungry, aren’t ya? Here. You like popcorn. It makes your teeth go pop, pop, pop. I’m all out. I’m all out of food. You ate it all. Gee, you must’ve been so hungry. Uh-oh. I just gave him some candy and some chips… and some pink popcorn and some Funyuns– breathe. Why? What? No! I’m a– I’m a peaceful man. I’m a schoolteacher! Cop killer? I love horses. I love horses. I love buttered stuff. Butter nuts. Cup. Cup. Cup.”
“Why must you rage? Stop the hate, child. My weed’s wearing off. Let’s just say I’m not gettin’ the respect a cop killer deserves. I was up all night, getting harassed. See what I mean? I think they’re mistakin’ my kindness for weakness. I’m scared. All my life, I did everything right. I never screwed up. I fed the horse. I didn’t know it was a diabetic. I’m scared. No. I don’t know. Maybe 5:00… 6:30. That’s me. I love you guys.”
“You’re not a fish. You’re a man. You’re not a fish. You’re a man. Where did that come from? You walk around on both legs, homo erectus! Did I say ‘homo?’ I didn’t mean that! Thurgood! Thurgood!”
“hey, uh, you guys believe in angels or– well, I can’t. If I did that, then I’d have to give it to you every day, and I won’t get all my vitamins. Take it. I’m somebody’s bitch.”
“You guys gotta do something. There’s this guy Nasty Nate who’s after my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish. And then the Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I’m his bitch. Help! What is it? Yeah, great. Weed. Good. Go. Go! No more window love. Go and sell it.”
Prison
“Man, give me your fruit cocktail. Do you know who you’re dealing with? Chill, Nasty Nate. He’s my bitch. Anybody gonna stab him, it’s gonna be me. You got a problem with that? Better watch your back, Fish, ’cause Squirrel Master ain’t gonna be there for you all the time. ‘Cause next time I come for you, I’m gonna want some cocktail– fruit.”
Sir Smoke Alot
“What do you want, Master? Bitch, you know what I want. ♪ I wanna talk to Samson ♪ Fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Kramden ♪ ‘Cause it’s hard bein’ black and gifted ♪ Sometimes I just wanna throw it all down and get lifted ♪ Everybody knows in my neighborhood it’s the bestest around ♪ Samson’s shit is blessed Got the whole town on lockdown ♪ Legalize this shit, please ♪ “
Samson Delivery Service
“Hi. You called about your plumbing? Something about empty pipes? You want highs, mediums or lows? I say they got a piney taste, almost minty. Notice the little red hairs. And the rich greenery? It’s definitely the highest-grade hydroponics in the city. Been a pleasure. Sure thing.”
New York
“Heifer with cheese. Sorry.”
“Thank you.”
“Uh-uh. He autographed it himself.”
“Hey-hey. Uh, I don’t have no idea what you’re talking about. Hey, black ass. Why didn’t you moon us earlier, eh?”
“Fuck you, *****!”
“This is Buster Phillips, and coming in at number eight, like El Nino, ‘Samson gets me lifted,’ by my main man– who? Sir Smoka Lot. Ha!”
“Buttercup! Buttercup! I need an ambulance, now! Officer down. I repeat, officer down! What the hell did you give my Buttercup? This horse is a diabetic! Buttercup. Buttercup. Don’t you leave me. Breathe, Buttercup. Breathe. Breathe. Why? Why? You’re under arrest. You dumb son of a bitch! Shut up! You’re a cop killer. I love horses. Buttercup. Say it. Cup. Cup. Cup.”
“Bail is set at one million dollars for the crime of killing an officer of the law. And may God have mercy on your soul, young man. This court is adjourned. Back to your cells. Lockdown. Goodnight, Fish. Fish! Fish! Fish! Fish! Fish!”
“Kenny called. He’s in jail. He didn’t leave a number. Sincerely, the guy on the couch.”
“All right, time’s up. Hi there, Fish. Number nine, time’s up! Time’s up, number nine. Let’s go.”
“Dr. Kablecki, please report to Clinical Studies. Dr. Kablecki. Janitor? Janitor? Could you, uh– I know this isn’t your responsibility, but would you be a dear and run this down to the supply department? It’s on the second floor. Yes. But make sure you bring the order right back to me. I need it A.S.A.P.”
“This all you need? Just a sec. Here you go. One pound of marijuana, and you can sign for it right here. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank… you. Look, here’s– here’s a little something for your troubles. Shh! Let’s not tell anyone about it, okay? Shh. No, no, no. The Food and Drug Administration are having us do a study to determine what, if any, are the medicinal purposes of marijuana. Oh, really? Anyway, thank you, janitor. Enjoy.”
“See you tomorrow.”
