Universal Pictures original film The 40-Year-Old Virgin was released August 19th, 2005.
#40yearoldvirgin made $177.3M internationally / is free on Amazon Prime Video.
rottentomatoes: 85%
metacritic: 73
imdb: 7.1
Andy Stitzer
Andy Stitzer works at Smart Tech in San Fernando Valley, California.
“Hey, Joe. Hey, Sara. How you doing? Hey, why don’t you get a car? So, Survivor tomorrow night. We on? Hey, enjoy your orange. See you. Bye-bye. Good morning. Excuse me. Pardon me. Sorry. Excuse me. Thank you. Good morning. Good morning, Paula.” — Andy Stitzer
“I’m not a salesman, so, I could probably– no problem. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, that’s something. You know, I just kind of hung out. I was…. God, Friday, when I went home… I really wanted an egg-salad sandwich. And I was just obsessing about it and I was like: ‘man, I’m gonna make one of those.’ So Saturday I went out and I got, like, a dozen eggs… and I boiled them all and then I just… I spent, I don’t know, probably three hours… like, three-and-a-half hours making… you know, the mayonnaise and the onions and the paprika… and, you know, all the accoutrement. And then, by the time I was done… I just really didn’t feel like eating it. And I didn’t have any bread. So, you know, it was pretty good. It was a good weekend. Yeah, it was fine. Cool.” — Andy Stitzer
“Why? Do we have to unload the Sony truck? With you guys? Yeah, sure. That would be cool. Yeah, I play online sometimes. Great. Are we allowed to do that? Oh. Well, so I’m gonna go tell Paula. I’m just kidding. I’m kidding. That sounds great. Cool, I’ll see you guys tonight. All right. Oops.” — Andy Stitzer
“And a full house. For like an hour or two a night, when I’m not playing Halo. Good night. Wow. Oh, man, I love titties.” — Andy Stitzer
“Yeah, man, come on, nobody wants to hear that shit. You need to get past that… because no ass is worth thinking that much about… I always say. I don’t… you know what, I’m a gentleman and I don’t… I don’t kill and tell. Wow. So many stories are running through my head right now. I dated this girl… for a while, and she was really a nasty freak. She just loved to get down with sex all the time. She was like, any time of day, she was like: ‘yeah, let’s go. I’m so nasty.’ And I’d be nailing her. She’d be like: ‘oh, you’re nailing me. Cool.’ She loved to dirty-talk. Totally into it. She’d be like: ‘yeah, let’s screw, let’s… I wanna fuck.’ God, it was so dirty. She’d be like, ‘me so horny, me love you long time.’ So… yeah, she had great tits. Yeah, they were nice. You know, when you, like, you grab a woman’s breast and it’s… and you feel it and… it feels like a bag of sand when you’re touching it. You know what I mean. Why don’t we just play? Why don’t you just deal the cards? Yes. No, I’m, not gay. I’ve been with tons of women. No, I’m not gay. No, I’ve borked a lot of women in my day. Yeah, not since I was 10. I am… shut up. You guys are hilarious. You guys are so up your asses.” — Andy Stitzer
“A bag of sand! Come on, man! You could do better than that. God, me so horny? Me so stupid! Oh, come on. It’s gonna be fine. They don’t even remember. Those guys are cool. This is gonna be bad. Come on. Hey, David. Cal, good morning. Hey. I’m 40. Yeah. Yeah, life’s about passion. It’s all about connections. It’s not about butthole pleasures at all. Please stop. Mooj, just please stop. Just relax– pointless. Get away from me, David. Stop following me! I’m gonna have to quite my job now. You know what, I don’t wanna go out with you guys. Okay? I don’t need your help. You know what, I respect women, I love women. I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them. I have a very fulfilling life. And now, I am making your silver pants blue. Get some roadburn, come on! Come on, sucker! ♪ Now, pretty ladies around the world ♪ Got a weird thing to show you ♪. Oh, my God!” — Andy Stitzer
“It just never happened. When I was young, I tried, and it didn’t happen. And then I got older and I got more and more nervous… because it hadn’t happened yet. And I got kind of… weirded out about it. Then it really didn’t happen… and then, I don’t know, I just kind of stopped trying. Maybe it’s too late. Sometimes I feel that it is just too late for me. I don’t know. I wouldn’t know what to do. Why don’t you get her back right now? It sounds horrible. Do you realize that this is the first time… we’ve spoken for more than, like, 30 seconds? It’s kind of nice. Okay, yeah, I will. I’ll give it a shot. But I’m not going to have sex with anybody.” — Andy Stitzer
“I’m okay. It’s all right. Oh, come on, bus! Oh, come on, dogs! Shit! You gotta be kidding me. I mean, I’m kind of nervous. I never had oral sex before. What? Yeah? That’s what you want to suck on? Okay. Yeah. That tickles. I’m sorry. Oh, no. Your nose is bleeding. I’m sorry.” — Andy Stitzer
“Cal, what do you think? Is this too yellow? Come on, man. Wow, this is pretty crowded. No, Dave already told me I didn’t have to have sex tonight. And now he’s gone, so… okay. No. You know what, I don’t feel comfortable… hitting on drunk ‘bitches,’ you know. I don’t think that’s right. It just does… this doesn’t feel right. Okay, how do I tell which ones are drunk? Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake? Hey, you guys, Betty Cocker.” — Andy Stitzer
“He sounds like a good guy. Your friend seems nice. Thanks. Your hat has sequins. Your hands are on my belt. Your hands are on my belt. It’s good. Okay, yeah. Yeah. Okay. I don’t have a car with me here, so… no, I didn’t have anything to drink. Okay. What is this? Whoa, okay. Wow. That’s fast. Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah. Andy. Look out! The car! Wow. No. That tasted like shellfish. Look out! Sorry. Watch it! Oh, yes. Oh, God, yes! Yes, you’re pretty. I’m looking! You’re pretty! God, I just wanna live! Okay. Hey, whoa! Oh, God! Turn away! Oh, God, we made it. Oh, mommy! Are you okay? Okay. We’re okay. Are you okay? Well, are you… what’s the matter? That’s okay. I think I kind of had that coming. You know what, I think I’m gonna pass on the sex, if you don’t mind. Did you have a daiquiri tonight? I thought you might.” — Andy Stitzer
“It was a very bad night. Yeah, laugh. You know what, you guys wouldn’t be laughing right now… if some girl had just vomited shellfish sandwich into your mouth. I drive a bike. You know what, I’m not the only person in the world… who rides a bike. Why don’t you kiss something? Because this is over, you guys, okay? What are you even talking about? ‘Building the pussy up,’ what does that mean? Yeah, I think you’re right. I’m putting the pussy up on a pedestal. That’s it. It’s ‘Pussalia,’ right? I don’t wanna say the word anymore. ‘Pussy.’ I don’t wanna say it. Fuck it.” — Andy Stitzer
“You know what, Dave? You know, you said there wasn’t gonna be any pressure at all. Hi, Andy is my name. You don’t wanna buy that VCR. No, actually to be totally honest with you… you don’t wanna buy any VCR. It’s a dead technology. It’s like getting an eight-track player. Or a Betamax. You know what, actually I’d recommend this one. This is a dual. You’ve got the VCR and DVD combo. So, you know, that technology would be probably getting pretty good for– yeah. At best. Sorry. As good as it gets. Okay, all right. Sorry. Okay. Really? Where at? Yes. And that’s the name? I don’t understand. So, what, you do what? But you don’t actually sell anything in the store? So why do you have a store? Sure. I didn’t mean anything by that. I’ll check out your empty store. All right. Why do I need your number if you’re across the street, though? Sorry. So I’ll write you up and meet you over at the register. And check you out… check out. Okay, see you over there. Okay. Hey… look, I think she gave me her number. She wrote down her number, but I think she gave me her number. No, I was never. This is pretty cool.” — Andy Stitzer
“It’s just… I was in… I can’t believe that happened. Man, she just have me her number. Okay, here’s a question. When should I call her? Yeah. I’m not a big ho runner. Thanks a lot. Yeah. I can’t. I can’t pee in public. I’ve got a mental block about it. I’m shy! I peed in public! Let me out. I don’t want to be in here. You guys, this is not funny!” — Andy Stitzer
“Hey, what you watching? Great. No. She’s not here. I know. Can I ask you something in confidence? I know this is gonna sound weird. Am I good-looking? Do you think a woman will find me attractive? Okay, never mind. Listen, this is embarrassing for me. This is hard to talk about. Yes. Well, that’s why I’m asking you. You seem really well-groomed and really put together. Absolutely. Does it hurt?” — Andy Stitzer
“Hi, how are you? Yes, it is. Okay. Here we go. That feels warm. Thanks, man. Yeah. You fucker! That’s just your job. No. It’s okay. Let’s do another one. Does it look good? Okay. Wow! I didn’t expect that at all. I really didn’t expect that. Yeah. Those hairs are pretty deep. Okay. Yup. Sucker motherfucker! You shithead! I hate you! I hate you so much! That one hurt. That one hurt just as much as the first one. Man! Fuck me! In the asshole! I really don’t swear this much. Jay. Where did Jay go? Yup. Cocksucker motherfucker! You pulled on two. Why didn’t you pull on three? Freddy pie hole! No! Kelly Clarkson! Oh, shit falls! I hate you. Stop smiling, you jerk! Oh, God. What’s next? You’re doing the nipple. Please, Cal, hold my hand. Hold my goddamn hand, man. Do it! Just hold. Okay, here we go. No. Yup. Nipple fuck! Mika, you should burn in hell! Okay, all right. No, seriously, I think I’m done. I think we’re done. I think that’s good. You know what, guys… this is not a good look for me! Thank you very much. Appreciate it.” — Andy Stitzer
“Thanks. You were nice to me. Something’s wrong with her underpants. You know, I kind of… like the woman from the eBay store. I think I have all the advice that I can handle right now. I’m not bitter. I almost lost a nipple, okay? Okay. I know exactly what you’re talking about.” — Andy Stitzer
Trish
“Excuse me. Can one of you guys help me, please? Okay, well– thank you. You, too. Great, okay. Hi, I’m Trish. This one looks pretty good. I don’t? Yeah. Six months or so? That’s good. No. Okay, that sounds good, then. It’s perfect. God, you know, it’s so funny, I work right across the street… and I’ve never been in this place. Yeah. The ‘We Sell Your Stuff On eBay’ store. Yeah, I was looking for something… you know, obvious. So I chose that. Well, I take the stuff that you don’t want… and then I ‘sell’ it on eBay. No. I don’t. I don’t know. No, I think it’s because, you know, I wanna maybe look professional… and not like a crazy person who’s just gonna steal all your shit. No, it’s okay. You know what, you should come by sometime if you want, you know… see it for yourself, check it out. Yeah, it’s the one across the street that’s not empty. Here’s my number. So… so, just anytime. I don’t really have a good answer for that, Andy. I just… just giving it to you. Okay. Okay.”
“Hello.”
Jay
“Welcome to Smart Tech. How can I be of service to you? Well, if I’m photographing someone as fine as yourself… I’d probably go Digital.”
“Come on, man. We need, what, five guys… to play a decent poker game, right? If we cancel this, I’m gonna have to go… to some stupid-ass birthday party with Jill… and that shit ain’t happening. I don’t really see any other options.”
“You know how to play, right? Yeah. I almost feel guilty.”
“Going down! Going down! How much fucking online poker do you play, dawg? I’m gonna see you tomorrow. All right, man. Dude, you totally… oh, shit, I gotta go. Damn. About to go see Ellen in a little bit. Dude, you know how it goes. It’s like an unspoken agreement. Yeah. If you knew her, if you knew who I was dealing with… you wouldn’t be saying this shit. There’s nothing you can’t do with this woman… straight up and down. I literally sit at home… trying to think of things to do to her. I’m dead serious. Sometimes I just sit for hours, just staring at the sky… trying to come up with something to do. I don’t even know if she can walk. I’ve never seen her standing up. I’ve only seen her on her back. Yeah. Oh, shit. I know your nasty ass. He finished.”
“Stop, man! Why do you always come and kill the vibe with those things? ‘Sharing the same heart,’ that’s like some… Britney Spears shit, man. This is three grown ass men, don’t nobody want to hear that shit. Thank you, Andy. Dude, you broke up two years ago. You get over it at some point. Andy, do me a favor. Would you please help him redeem himself by telling a real sex story? Fuck it, I raise you. Nastiest shit you’ve ever done. I’m talking about nasty. Oh, shit. She talk dirty to you? So what were the titties like? No, I mean, like, detailed. Did she have, like, you know… them little pink teeny nipples. Or like the long, National Geographic nipples. You have like the bumpy Braille nipples, the Stevie Wonders. Dude, are you gay? Dude, it’s not a big deal. You like to fuck guys. I’m cool with it. I got friends who fuck guys, in jail. Hold up. Yo, answer this question: are you a virgin? Are you a virgin? How does that happen? I’m not being mean. I’m trying to help the partner out. I’m trying to say I wanna get you laid, dude. I understand what’s going on. From now on, your dick is my dick. I’m getting you some pussy.”
“Andy, it’s going down, partner. We’re gonna be… this is for you, partner, this for you. Waves of them coming at you on Friday, Saturday. By Sunday, your nuts gonna be drained.”
“Okay, look now. So, this is what’s about to happen, all right? You about to go run down some drunk chicks, all right? And don’t confuse that with tipsy. We talking about drunk. I want vomit in the hair, bruised-up knees. A broken heel is a plus. That’s what you want to find, okay? Dude, just stop thinking for a minute, all right? You ain’t got to think on this one. All you got to do is use your instinct. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It’s written. It’s a code written in his DNA. It says, ‘tackle the gazelle.’ And believe it or not, in every man, there’s a code written that says: ‘tackle drunk bitches.’ Okay, hold up. First of all, you making it out to be some kind of bad thing. I didn’t use bitches in a derogatory sense. You did. Of course it don’t feel right. What has felt right for you didn’t work. You need to try some wrong, dawg. Wait a minute. Yes, Mr. President. Yes, the erection results are in.”
“You know what, you’re right, it’s my bad. Let me apologize to you first of all… for not mentioning in detail that when you pick up a drunk woman… who’s falling down on her way out of the bar… that you should probably drive. Okay, Mr. Schwinn-fucking-Armstrong, who asked you to drive a bike? Can I just interject for a second? Let me just say… you’re putting the pussy up on this pedestal. You’re just building the pussy up, man. You making the pussy up into this great big Greek goddess named Pussalia… and what you’re doing is… you’re psyching yourself into thinking it’s some impossible feat. Right. Look where you’re going. Say what word? ‘Pussy’ is a scientific word.”
“I’m on break. But our stock supervisor is very knowledgeable. He can answer all of your questions and he’d love to help you. Have a nice day. Awful chatty. No, she gave you. Dude, man. See, you still mad at me? Right, you see what I mean? Yeah, we gonna celebrate it, man. Yeah. Yeah.”
“Come on, give him some credit, man. The man pulled a number. What you did was you zoned in. So what you just got to do is… just get you a bunch of these hood rats… run through them, just knock them out. Boom, boom, boom. Once you’ve done slayed like 20, 30 of them hood rats… now you ready to go up to the upper echelon type ho. You know what I mean? Let’s put it up for my man for pulling that number. Politicked his ass off. Like a train, round the bend. You ready?”
“Just learn the techniques. Dawn of the Dead, man. The store is slow. Paula’s gone. Yo, is Paula back? She said we can’t watch this in here. You sure? Oh, my God! Oh, my God, the blood just– wait, Andy. Hold up. Are you ready for my honest answer? Yeah. I think you’re a good-looking cat. I don’t think anybody knows it… and I don’t think anybody can see it. I mean, look, dude. You think this was an accident? All of this right here? Premeditated, partner. You gotta highlight your attributes, like a diamond in the rough. You willing to make some sacrifices? You see that whole Teen Wolf thing you got going right there? You need to wax that right out. Boom. No. Waxing don’t hurt. I mean, not unless you’re a bitch. You know what I mean? It didn’t hurt me. I get it done all the time. What the fuck! Fuck that ****** up! Bitch, get out the room!”
“This is gonna be good. This the one right here, right? You gonna look good after this, man. That one little patch looks sexy though. Yeah, it looks really good. You got it. The first one is the only one that hurts. You know what, I got a weak stomach. That’s all I can really take. I’ll see y’all. Y’all done or y’all– that’s fucked up. That’s fucked up.”
Cal
“My God. Sorry I’m late, man. Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know… and we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to this show. Everyone’s, ‘you gotta check out one of these shows.’ And, you know, it’s a woman fucking a horse. We get there, and, you know, we think it’s gonna be awesome… and it is not as cool as it sounds like it would be, man. It’s kind of gross. You think, ‘a woman fucking a horse’ and you get there and it’s… a woman fucking a horse. It was really giving it to her. And you know what… to be honest, I felt bad for her. We all just felt bad for her. Kind of felt bad for the horse. So what did you get up to? I can imagine. Sounds pretty awesome. Sounds really fun. Cool. Cool, cool.”
“No. No. He’s a really nice guy and all but I’m pretty sure that… he is a serial murderer. That’s great. Look, I don’t wanna end up a lampshade… in some creepy apartment, that’s what I’m saying.”
“Dumbass. Peace. Going now? Late-night action, huh? It’s like a completely and utterly unspoken agreement. Wow! That is not sick. I will give you sick. I was sleeping with a woman recently, she had the… her tits were unbelievable. And so we’re doing it and I’m about to finish… and her dog starts licking my ass. I swear to God, I have to decide, do I finish or do I stop the dog? I finished. And then I stole the dog. No, I didn’t, but…”
“Two years, man. Yes. Yeah, describe her… oh, yeah. Have you ever felt a breast before, man? I touched a guy’s balls at Hebrew school once. It all makes sense. You’re a virgin. He’s a fucking virgin. I knew it. That makes so much sense, man. Look, he’s a virgin.”
“What’s up? No. What’s Curious George like in real life? Hey, guys, look, it’s Dr. Zeus’ penis. I really mean this. She does.”
“Yeah, everyone rides a bike, when they’re fucking six. No hablo English, lady. Excusa, por favor. Coming through. Muchos gracias.”
“Unbelievable. It is. When is the next Olympics? Screw these analogies. What he’s saying is… you are going to be so bad at sex the first time… you don’t want to have sex with someone you like… ’cause they’ll think you’re a weirdo for being so lame at it. You want to have sex with hood rats first… so that by the time you get to the girl you do like… you’re not terrible at sex, you’ll be mediocre at it. Probably still pretty bad, though. You did politic.”
“I can’t hear what you’re saying. It’s a soundproof room. I’m staying. This is gonna be good. She starts doing his pubes, I’m out of here. Not the nipple. Come on. You kidding me, man?”
“Thank you very much. Thank you. Andy, I owe you an apology, man. I wasn’t very nice to you for the past two-and-a-half years. No, I was… I thought you were really boring and… I kind of thought you were a serial killer. I’m not joking. Look, you shouldn’t listen to Dave and Jay, okay? Those guys are crazy. You should listen to me, okay? Look, there is a hot-ass girl who works right here. There she is, in the bookstore. You should ask her out, man. Yeah, they’re not in my mouth. That’s great, but… you’re not gonna get with anyone… unless you play the odds on this, man. You need to plant a lot of seeds. It’s like this. When I was growing pot, I realized… that the more seeds I planted… …the more pot I could ultimately smoke. Don’t get bitter. The problem most men have is… they just plain straight up have no clue how to talk to women. Just ask questions, okay? That’s it. Because women do not care about what you have to say at all anyway, you know. And all they want to do is talk about themselves. So you’re just gonna let them do that. Okay? So remember. Questions, be cool, and be kind of a dick. Here, be David Caruso in Jade. You do. That’s good. There she is. Go plant that seed, man. Plant it with your finger.”
David
“Hey, Paula. I gotta tell you something I’m really excited about. For the first time today, I woke up… I came to the store, and I feel confident to say to you… that if you don’t take this Michael McDonald DVD… that you’ve been playing for two years straight, off… I’m going to kill everyone in the store… and put a bullet in my brain. I don’t care. Anything. I would rather watch Beautician and the Beast. I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours… than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothing against him, but if I hear Yah Mo B There one more time… I’m gonna yah mo burn this place to the ground. Fuck you.”
“How about Andy? Yeah. Why not? Who cares, man? He’s a nice guy. I just wanna get drunk, fucked up, and play some cards. Andy. My man. You got any plans later on tonight? No, the guys are getting together, we’re playing some poker… thought, you know, you’d wanna play. We’re gonna play in the store. Absolutely not. Okay. No, you don’t. Does your girlfriend know about all these late-night visits? That’s sick, man.”
“You know, sometimes, Amy and I would make love… till it was almost like we weren’t two people… but we were two spirits or something. Our souls were connected in this way, I can’t describe it. Time stood still. It was like we were sharing the same heart. Bag of sand? What are you talking about? You’ve ‘borked?’ All right, come on, don’t be mean.”
“Hey, Andy. Andy! Andy, come on. We were just kidding. Andy, nobody cares you’re a virgin. Don’t be such a baby. They were just having fun. They didn’t mean anything. Wait a minute. Hold up. Hold on. You don’t have to quit your job. Fine. Okay, fine, you don’t have to go out with us if you don’t want. Okay.”
“So, how could this not have happened? Do you want to give it another shot? No, that’s crazy. You’re 40 years old. You know, 40 is the new 20. You wanna spend the next 60 years of your life… never experiencing sex? And not just sex, but love… and a relationship, and laughing and cuddling and all that shit. Look, you gotta take a risk. You gotta risk it. Look at me. I went out with this girl for four months… and it was the greatest… greatest thing in my life. Until she went down on this guy in an Escalade, I think. And, you know, instead of saying: ‘okay, what am I doing that caused this behavior?’ I dumped her. Stupid decision. I spent the last two years of my life regretting it. Because she’s dating this pot dealer. Stupid horrible decision. But, hey, that’s her journey, you know. I gotta respect that. I gotta give her the space. She wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody… that’s love, man. Of course it’s horrible. It’s suffering… and it’s pain and it’s… you know, you lose weight… and then you put back on weight… and then you call them a bunch of times… and you try and email and then they move or they change their email… but that’s just love. Uh-huh. Come out with us this weekend. No pressure. We’ll just have a good time. Great. Good, sex should be the last thing on your mind.”
“Yeah. Well, it’s $9 beer night. You guys are hilarious.”
“Dude! New pants, man. I’m not pressuring you. I actually am helping a customer right now.”
“That’s great, man. I’m telling you, love is a mysterious fig. You like her? You definitely don’t want to call her. My uncle used to drive a ho runner. Way to go, man. Do it. Gotta do it. Come on, do it.”
“Right on, man. I like your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck? It looks man-tastic. That’s great, man. Be tough, Andy, you got it. He went to throw up. Not the nipple. You look like a man-o’-lantern.”
Nicky
“I do. What a good guy. What a… Dan, the guy Robin’s marrying… is such a good guy. I hated him for like two years ’cause he cheated on me. But… he’s really changed now. He’s a really good guy now. You have really kind eyes, you know that? Mmm. Mmm. What? I’m sorry. You’re cute. This is kind of lame. You wanna get out of here? Fuck. Come on. You wanna drive? It’s cool. I’ll just suck it up. I’m driving. Are you drunk? Blow into this? The judge recommended I get one. Come on, you’re in the lasso. ♪ Missy be puttin’ it down ♪ I’m the hottest round ♪ I told y’all mother-uh ♪ Y’all can’t stop me now ♪ Listen to me now ♪ I’m lastin’ 20 rounds ♪ And if you want me, people ♪ Then come on get me now ♪. And Dan’s like, ‘you’re such a B-I-T-C-H, bitch!’ And I’m like, ‘you’re the bitch, bitch.’ You know? What was your name again? Andy. Let me tell you something, Andy. Don’t ever be named Dan. Dan rhymes with man, and men jerk off. And he was a jerk-off. Do you know what I mean? I like you. You’re not a… ugh. I think I ate some bad shellfish sandwich or something. You’re cute. That tasted good. Do you think I’m pretty? You’re not looking at me. Do you think I’m pretty? Look at me. Look at me! God, I hope I get my period soon. I am in a bad mood. I’m so tired. Hey, get off the wheel. You’re not gonna get in my pants acting like that. I’m starving. Let’s get some fucking french toast. Okay, here we are. Home sweet home. That fucker came out of nowhere. I’m sorry. I’ll still have sex with you if you want. At least I don’t have to work out tomorrow. Yeah.”
Paula
“Andy. Yeah. David, what do you suggest we play? You’re such a smart ass. Get back on the floor.”
“All right. That’s enough, party’s over. Let the virgin get back to work.”
Mooj
“Why did you invite this guy? He’s a fucking ringer, man. This is hog shit. You, you’re a fucking asshole to tell me to come here. You tell me he was a nice guy, didn’t you? Well, fuck you people, and fuck you, you and you… fuck and kiss my big brown fucking ass, okay? Fuck a goat.”
“Hey, Andy, don’t let him bother you. It’s okay not to have sex. Not everybody is a pussy magnet. What are you? 25? Holy shit, man. You’ve got to get on that. Life isn’t about sex. Life is abut children and passion. And spirit. It’s not about fucking and balls and pussy. It’s about love. It’s about people. It’s about connection. It’s not about cock and ass and tits and butthole pleasures. It’s not about this rusty trombone and dirty Sanchez. And Cincinnati bowtie. And your pussy juice cocktail and this shit-stained balls.”
Beth
Nail Salon
“So this is your first time getting body waxed? Take off your shirt. We’re gonna need more wax. And clear all my appointments in the afternoon. So, ready? I’m sorry. You want me to stop now? You ready? One, two, three. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Ready? One, two. You pussy. Ready? One, two, three. Thank you.”
Smart Tech
“Hey.”
“Oh, my dukes! What?”
“Hey, Andy. We’re gonna have to get you some punani.”
Bar Girls
“So we just decided because this is my last night as a free woman… before I marry Dan, that we would just wig out. We’re wigging out!”
Flashback
“Jennifer told me how to do it. It’s gonna kick ass.”
“You know what else is sexy? Me… …sucking… on your… toe. Yeah. It’s just so big and thick. You think? You are terrible at this. You should just give up forever!”
Customers
“Excuse me. I have a question. What is the difference between Hi8 and Digital video tapes? Well, I was just wondering… what is the difference between these?”
“You’re welcome. Thank you.”
Neighbors
“Hey, Andy! What’s up, dude? When you going to get a car? See you then. I’ll ring a soda. Okay, take care. That guy needs to get laid. Tell me something I don’t know.”