Paramount+ original film Team America: World Police was released October 15th, 2004.
#TeamAmerica made $50.8M at the international box office.
rottentomatoes: 77%
metacritic: 64
imdb: 7.2
Gary Johnston
Gary Johnston is hired to infiltrate a terrorist cell in Cairo, Egypt.
“♪ Everyone has AIDS ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ Everyone has AIDS ♪ And so this is the end Of our story ♪ And everyone is dead from AIDS ♪ It took from me My best friend ♪ My only true pal ♪ My only bright star ♪ Well, I’m gonna march On Washington ♪ Lead the fight And charge the brigades ♪ There’s a hero inside all of us ♪ I’ll make them see Everyone has AIDS ♪ My father ♪ MY sister ♪ My uncle and my cousin ♪ And her best friend ♪ The gays and the straights And the whites and the spades ♪ Everyone has AIDS ♪ My grandma and my dog Ole Blue ♪ The pope has got it And so do you ♪ Come on, everybody We got quilting to do ♪ We’re gonna break down These barricades ♪ Everyone has ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪” — Gary Johnston
“Thanks. You too, Steve. It’s not that hard, really. I just think about the saddest moment in my life. Oh, thank you. I don’t believe we’ve met, Mr… well, nice to meet you. Hey, hold on a second, are you from Hollywood? Oh, I get it. I’m supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me. Then if I go down on you, I get a movie part. Yeah, I’ll bet you do. Jesus, this is a nice limo. All right, just what the hell is this about? Dead? Why? What did I do to them? I’m just a Broadway actor. You? Okay, a limousine that can fly. Now, I have seen everything. No. And just what does this have to do with me? This is crazy. I’m an actor, not a spy. Look out! I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.? 9/11 times 100? Jesus, that’s… all right. Thanks. How is it my responsibility to do something? I can’t fight terrorists. I don’t know anything about guns or jets.” — Gary Johnston
“Hey, Baxter. I wanna take a detour. I had to come back. There’s just one problem. I don’t look Middle Eastern. I was just thinking. On-stage, if I mess up a line, it could mean a bad review. If I mess up here… we’re all dead. Why? What reason do you have to believe? What’s your problem with me? Fuck. Derk derk allah. Derka derka muhammad jihad. Hake sherpa sherpa bakala.” — Gary Johnston
“My name is Hakmed. I’m a terrorist. Anybody know of any terrorist attacks coming up soon? I heard there might be a large terrorist attack. If you tell me what it is, maybe I could help out. I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village in their Black Hawk helicopters. The infidels fired at the oil fields, and they lit up like the eyes of Allah. Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched. I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed by the fiery, black liquid death. In the midst of the chaos, I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help. As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone. It was on that day I put a jihad on them. And if you don’t believe it, then you better kill me now… because I’ll put a jihad on you too. It’s me. It’s me.” — Gary Johnston
“Hey, guys, I think we should pull over. Uh, what are we doing? We’re… we’re gonna what? I was just… wondering if I can let go of an old, painful memory. When I was a kid, I always looked up to my older brother, Tommy. He was the jock, and I was the little performer. We were all out at the zoo one day. I was doing some acting, walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit. I fell in. Everyone screamed, and Tommy jumped in after me, forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket. The gorillas just went wild. They jumped all over his body and threw him around like a rag doll go get to those blueberries. One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla, who tossed him to another. Everyone panicked and cried out or somebody to help, but it was too late. The gorillas beat him to death before the zookeepers could gas them all. My acting… got my brother killed. I’ve had to live with that every single day. I think I can finally let it go. Because my acting saved the entire world. And something even better happened. I met somebody who took my breath away. I’m sorry. I know about Carson. I know how it feels. Maybe feelings are feelings because we can’t control them. So… so, what? You’re just gonna shut down? I really like you. There’s no chance we can ever be together? You know I can’t promise that. I promise. I will never die.” — Gary Johnston
“Lisa, you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. It’s only been a short time, but I think that I’m completely in love… I can’t help it. This just feels so right, and I don’t want anything to mess it up. Alec Baldwin? He’s… he’s my hero. The single greatest actor of all time. My acting? My acting? My acting just got a thousand people killed! Jesus, I’ve done it again. I’m through with this. Why me? Why am I the only one? Well, I don’t want the fucking power! I don’t want the guilt, I don’t want the same, and I don’t want the responsibility! I said I’d never die. But now I’m dead inside. You see? All I do is hurt people. I’m sorry I’m not the man you think I am. I’m just bad news. I’ll never act again.” — Gary Johnston
Spottswoode
“Hello, young man. Congratulations on a terrific performance. The name is Spottswoode. And you are Gary Johnston, All-American actor who graduated Iowa University summa cum laude with a double major in theater and world languages. You’ve been at the top of every acting class since you were a child. Top-gun actor. I have an incredible offer for you, Gary. If you’re interested, follow me this way. Please, Gary, step into my car. No, I just want to show you something. Please, Gary, I’m not from Hollywood. I’m not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is extremely valuable. Yes, it is. Now, suck my cock. Just kidding. I hate to break this to you, Gary… but some people out there want you dead. They’re called terrorists, Gary. And they hate everything about you. It’s not who you are, Gary, it’s what you stand for. And every single minute of every single day, the terrorists are planning new ways to kill you and everyone else who lives in a free country. The only thing standing in their way… is us. Baxter, I think we can valmorphanize safely now. Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head? So, then you haven’t seen everything. And neither have we. Last week in Paris, we caught four terrorists with a weapon of mass destruction. The terrorists are planning something very big. Our only hope is to have somebody act like a terrorist who wants to help them carry out the attack. An actor convincing enough to make the terrorists think he’s one of them. That’s all spying is, acting. And they say you’re the best. An actor with a double major in theater and world languages? Hell, you’re the perfect weapon, Gary.”
“Right this way, you maverick renegade. Welcome to Team Base. Gary, this is Joe, all-star quarterback from the University of Nebraska. He’s a natural-born leader. And this is Sarah, the top empath from Berkely’s School for the Clairvoyant in San Francisco. Don’t mind Chris. He may be lacking courtesy, but he’s the best martial arts expert Detroit has to offer. And finally, we have our psychology expert. Eh, where’s Lisa? Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes in how the terrorists think. We’ve been doing our best to keep the world safe, Gary. But now somebody has supplied the terrorists with WMDs. And intelligence tells us they plan to use them. Isn’t that right, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.? From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100. Yes, 91,100. So, now you see why we need you. We will disguise you as a terrorist and take you deep into the Middle East. If you’re acting is successful, you’ll be able to get us all the information we need to stop this whole thing from happening. Of course, if you’re not interested… there’s the door. Huh.”
“I know you did, son. Gary, I’m afraid there’s no time. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. tells us the attack is imminent. We need you to act like a Middle Eastern terrorist right away. Leave that to us. Amazing. Sit up and take a look, Gary. You’re going to fool everyone, Gary. Or should I say Hakmed. All right, team, we’ve only got one shot at this, sop listen up. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has intercepted communications that terrorists from different countries are gathering at a tavern here, in Cairo. Exactly right, Joe. Now, team, your mission will be to get Gary into that tavern. And once he’s on the inside, cover his back. Gary, you must use your acting to find out any information you can from the terrorists. Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown and the terrorists take you prisoner… well, you’ll probably want to take your own life. Here, you’d better have this. All right, team, that’s it. We’ve got a job to do. Let’s go police the world.”
“All right, team, let’s move to the inner city. Keep it quiet. Go get ’em, cowboy. Come on, Gary, act. You have the power. Told you he was top-gun. Don’t let them get away. Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails. Congratulations, Gary. You’ve done an amazing thing. It will be years before the terrorists have the resources to attack again.”
“Team, I’m afraid I have bad news. At 7:15 this morning, the terrorists carried out their attack. It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong about the Chechnyans being in charge. That was bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Very bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. We have to find out who did this and take them down. Fast. On screen. Of course, Derka Derkastan. Team, if the Derka Derkastanis have weapons of mass destruction, I’m afraid it could be 9/11 times a thousand. Yes. Nine hundred and eleven thousand. Yes, let’s get Gary valmorphanized so he can use his acting. Pull yourself together, Gary. We need you now more than ever. Gary, you can’t go. Without you, the team is doomed. Remember, there is no ‘I’ in Team America. No. It would be a suicide mission. Goddamn it, Gary.”
Joe
“You in the robes, put down the weapon of mass destruction and get on the ground. You’re under arrest. Put down your weapons now! I got him. Damn, I missed him. Yeah, all right, team! Bonjour, everyone. Don’t worry. Everything is bon. We stopped the terrorists. Joe to Sarah, looks like we may need to order up a wedding cake.”
“I’ve heard a lot about your acting, Mr. Johnston. Hope it’s as good as they say it is. Basically, all the worst parts of the Bible. What do you think Spottswoode sees in him? It’s uncanny. Cairo. That’s in Egypt.”
“Why don’t you trust actors, Chris? All right, good job, Sarah. Now, everyone make for the tavern. Guys, guys, guys! Don’t you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do? The war is out there, man! Out there! Now, pull it together.”
“Clear. All right, Gary, you follow me. The rest of the team, take super-secret hiding positions Alpha One. All right, that’s the tavern with the blue door. Act your way past those guards and see what you can find out. Remember, if you think they’re onto you, give us the signal. You remember the signal? That’s right. All right, good luck. I’ve never seen acting that good.”
“Ah, what would a girl like Sarah want with a simple Nebraska boy like me? I don’t know nothing about fancy cars and fancy restaurants. Still, I’d love to show her a full-moon night on the cornfields. Shit. I’ve got give terrorists going southeast on Baka laka daka Street. Copy, Sarah. You get Gary, we’ll go after the terrorists. They’re not stopping. One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something. Looks like he’s saying, ‘kiss me. Kiss me.’ Say again, Sarah. You’re breaking up. I lost her. Right. We’re gonna be unstoppable with you on the team, Gary. Terrorists, your game is through. So, this terrorist is shooting at us from the back of his jeep, and he goes… hey, Sarah, do you mind if I dance with you? Uh… Sarah, really? I think it’s better than all right. It’s great! Yes, there is. You like Gary? Oh, I… I see. That’s all right. I feel a little bit like dying.”
Chris
“Why can’t they ever do this the easy way? All right, let’s make this interesting. Ki-yah! Ki-yah ka! You lose. All right.”
“That’s supposed to be Carson’s replacement, a fucking actor? That’s right, actor. Just stay the fuck away from me. I still say this is a fucking mistake.”
“What if the old man is wrong about him, huh? What if he’s not the great actor Spottswoode says he is? I got my reasons. Let’s get one thing straight, actor. I don’t trust you. And if you betray us, I’ll rip your fuckin’ balls off and stuff ’em up your ass, so that the next time you shit, you’ll shit all over your balls, got it? Yeah, you wanna go?”
“Clear. Oh, shit. Hey, have you ever thought of telling Sarah how you feel? They had their chance. Missed. Wide right. Smartass motherfucker. What you got, Sarah? It’s all right. We’ll kill these guys, then we’ll find out what she wants. Shit, they got by me. Hang on, Joe. Surprise, cockfags! All right! We fucking did it. You might have all the others fooled, but not me. Your acting was reckless, and it put us all in danger. The next time you pull a stunt like that, I’ll drill two holes through your dick so that when you pee, it shoots out in all different directions. You got it?”
“Then forget all these assholes. We got work to do. Fuck him! We don’t need an actor. We can take out the Derka Derkastanis the old-fashioned way.”
Lisa
“Hey, terrorist. Terrorize this. Whoo! Oh, yeah? About what? Don’t joke about that. Oh, Carson. Carson… Carson! No! Carson! You have to hang on, Carson. No. No! No! No!”
“Right here. Usually a case of malignant narcissism brought on during childhood. Gary. Hey, hold on a second. Don’t you understand? Every country in the world is in danger. Because like it or not, you’re the one with the power to do something. That doesn’t matter. If you wanna help people, all that matters, Gary, is what you have here. Just think about it, okay? Here, take this. Baxter will take you wherever you wanna go. Just remember, your freedom is at stake too. I don’t know. But I think, I see it too.”
“Sarah is a professional at skin-grafting and laser valmorphication. The valmoriphication completely worked. You all right, Gary? I believe you can do this, Gary. Sometimes, believing is all we have.”
“Clear. He’s amazing. My advice is not to get involved with a team member, Sarah. It’s too painful to see them die. It’s okay, Sarah. I treasure your friendship. I’ll get him. Spottswoode, it’s Lisa. Gary found the WMDs and the terrorists are down. Gary? You okay? Is it anything that you wanna talk about? Gary, you can’t blame yourself for what gorillas did. What? Gary, no. It’s just… things are really complicated, Gary. God, I’m so confused. It’s too soon to be having feelings for you. But I have to control them, because I can’t go through losing somebody again. It’s too painful. Only if you could promise me you’ll never die. If you did that, I would make love to you right now.”
“Let’s not talk. There’s not a thing in the world that can mess this up. What? Gary? I know it’s hard, Gary. But you’re still the only hope to stop these newer terrorists. Because you’re the only one with the power to… then what about all the things you promised last night? You said you’d never leave. Sarah. I didn’t plan on it happening, Sarah. Gary, you didn’t kill your brother. Those gorillas did.”
Sarah
“I got him, Carson. He’s heading for the Louvre. Your plans are over. Nothing to it. He finally popped the question?”
“I sense that you’re slightly confused right now. The most sophisticated computer in the world. Stop it, Chris. I sense that you’re making him feel intimidated.”
“Just try to be still. Fear not, Muslim friends. We’re here to find terrorists. I’m clearing your minds of all anxiety.”
“Clear. All right, Gary! I sense that I’m becoming attracted to Gary. I’m sorry, Lisa. I didn’t mean to bring up… I treasure yours, Lisa. I sense Gary’s trapped inside the tavern. Gary? Gary? Sarah to Team America Four. Gary isn’t in the tavern. I think he may be with… Joe, do you copy? Lisa? You’re the best, Gary. No, of course not, Joe. Joe, do you think it’s okay for team members to date? Yeah. Do you think it’s all right? Oh, good. I’m so glad you think so.”
“But how can that be? Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo. Hey, that’s here. Jesus, you mean… you slept with Gary? But you knew I liked Gary. I told you. Save it, Lisa.”
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
“That is affirmative. I’ve intercepted communications that several terrorist groups are being organized for one massive worldwide attack. I’m sorry. Sir, I am intercepting communications about the terrorists’ identities.”
Broadcaster / Film Actors Guild
“This is breaking news with Peter Jennings. Team America has once again pissed off the entire world after blowing up half of Cairo. And now some Hollywood celebrities are lashing out. Alec Baldwin is head of the Film Actors Guild. The Film Actors Guild believes that what the world needs is compassion, not violence. All that Team America does is create new enemies. Let me explain to you how this works. You see, the corporations finance Team America. And then Team America goes out, and the corporations sit there in their… in their corporation buildings, and… and… and see, they’re all corporation-y, and they make money. Mm? Last year, I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was happy place. They had flowery meadows, and rainbow skies, and… and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced, and laughed, and played with gumdrop smiles. The actors are calling for an emergency meeting. Already expected to attend are Helen Hunt, George Clooney, Liv Tyler, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Janeane Garofalo, and Matt Damon. Matt Damon. In the meantime, the world wants to deal with dangerous individuals their own way.”
“This is breaking news with Peter Jennings. An attack on Panama today has left thousands dead. Taking credit were terrorists from Derka Derkastan. The terrorists claim that the attack was a retaliation for Team America’s actions in Cairo. Alec Baldwin is rallying all the members of the Film Actors Guild. Who is to blame for the attacks in Panama? The terrorists? The person who supplied them with WMDs? No. Blame Team America. Their reckless disregard in Cairo brought on this violence today. Team America, the blood of the victims of Panama is on your hands. Moved by Baldwin’s impassioned speech, hundreds of people turned out at Mount Rushmore today to protest. Tom, it looks like filmmaker Michael Moore is also jumping on the ‘Fuck Team America’ bandwagon. Protesting is not enough. We must take radical action against the fascists in our own country. Bring it down! Bring it all down!”
North Korea
“Our dear leader, Kim Jong Il, says the weapons of mass destruction you requested are ready for you to take. I am still in the process of recruiting and training new terrorists for the attack. Ve take veapons later. He asks what part of the deal you did not understand. He says perhaps his translator did not make it clear to you. He says he should fire his translator? Perhaps, ve cam be ready sooner.”
“Sir, Hans Blix is here from the United Nations.”
“Mr. Il, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today, and your guards won’t let me into certain areas. Then let me look around so I can ease the U.N.’s collective mind. I’m sorry, but the U.N. must be firm with you. Let me see your whole palace or else. Or else, I will be very, very, very angry with you. And we will write you a letter telling you how angry we are.”
King Jong Il
“Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am? I cannot berieve that I actuarry have a Checknyan standing here terring me when he’s gonna take a derivery. Herro? Yes, perhaps you can. Now, take your weapons of mass destwuction and get the fuck out of here.”
“Hans Brix? Oh, no! Oh, herro, great to see you again, Hans. Hans, Hans, Hans. We’ve been frough this a dozen times. I don’t have any weapons of mass destruction, okay, Hans? Hans, you’re breaking my barrs here. Hans, you’re breaking my barrs. Or else what? Okay, I’ll show you, Hans. You ready? Stand a rittle to your reft. Rittle more. Good. Dere you go, Hans Brix. How you rike that, you fucking cocksucker? Do you have any idea how fuckin’ busy I am, Hans Brix? Well, fuck you. You want inspection? Well, inspect that, you buttfucking piece of shit! What, you think I’m just a petty arms dearer? I’m pranning the attack. Congraturations, Team America, you have stopped nothing.”
Cairo, Egypt
“Derka Allah Muhammad jihad. Bakala Muhammad Jihad! Bakala muhammad jihad! Allah derka derka muhammad jihad! Muhammad jihad! Muhammad jihad! Oh. Derka, derka, derka.”
“Yeah, no, I know. It’s terrible, terrible. We are Bashir rebels from the country of Somalia. Who are you?”
“What do you know? Get out of here. Ve have put out a jihad on the infidels because they destroyed our lives. Vhat do you know about pain and sadness? I like you. You have balls. I like balls. All right, listen carefully. The WMDs are located in a secret bunker twenty yards east of this building. You can help us by guarding it… Vlad Shtood! Come. They’re onto us! Hurry, friend. We must make our escape.”
“Go faster, you idiot. Die! Infidels! An infidel. Kill her. Pull over? Yes, of course. Pull over, let them pass us, and when they turn around, we charge them. I love your balls. This jeep is filled with explosives. We’re going to take their lives and our own. Die, infidels!”
The Panama Canal
“No! No me gusta!”
Broadway
“♪ He died of AIDS ♪ AIDS ♪ AIDS ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ AIDS AIDS AIDS ♪ AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪”
“Great job, Gary. That was the greatest acting I have ever seen. I just don’t know how you do it, Gary. How do you make yourself so somber and emotional to make everybody cry like that? Man, wow. Gary is such a great guy.”
Paris, France
“Sacrebleu. Oh, hello. Hey! Jean Francois? Jean Francois? Baka derk jihad sherpaha. Ilaka derka derka. Jean Francois. Bakala! Bakala! Bakalaka! Aladaka! World Police! Get down on the ground! Bakala! Bakalaka! Aladaka! He’s getting away with the WMD! Sarah, he’s got the bomb. You got a fix? All right, Sarah!”
“I was doing a lot of thinking on the ride over here. I was thinking that I want you to marry me. Who’s joking? Lisa, you’re an amazing woman. And a damn fine cop. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Feel so c… cold. Sorry, babe. Looks like this was a one-way ticket. Lisa, you have to live on. Find someone else who will love you. Find someone else and be happy. You deserve…”
