Amazon Prime Video original movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail was released April 27th, 1975.
#MPATHG made $2,934,737 at the international box office.
rottentomatoes: 92%
metacritic: 91
imdb: 8.2
King Arthur
King Arthur is on a quest for the Holy Grail somewhere on the outskirts of England.
“Whoa, there! It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the Castle of Camelot, king of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England. I am, and this is my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. Yes. What?” — King Arthur
“So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land. Through the kingdom of Mercia. We found them. What do you mean? The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land. Not at all. They could be carried. It could grip it by the husk.” — King Arthur
“It doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the court of Camelot is here? Please! I’m not interested. Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?” — King Arthur
“Old woman! Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? What? I can’t just call you ‘man.’ I didn’t know you were called Dennis. I did say sorry about the ‘old woman,’ but from behind– well, I am king. How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that?” — King Arthur
“The Britons. We all are. We’re all Britons. You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class– that’s what it’s all about. If only people– please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? Then who is your lord? What? Yes.” — King Arthur
“Yes, I see. Be quiet! Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! I am your king! You don’t vote for kings. The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying, by divine providence, that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I’m your king! Be quiet! Shut up! Shut up! Will you shut up? Shut up!” — King Arthur
“Bloody peasant! You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot. You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy. What? I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge. I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside. So be it!” — King Arthur
“Now, stand aside, worthy adversary. ‘A scratch?’ Your arm’s off. Well, what’s that, then? You liar. Victory is mine. We thank thee, Lord, that in thy– what? You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine. Look, you stupid bastard! You’ve got no arms left. Look! Look, stop that. I’ll have your leg. Right! You’ll what? What are you going to do? Bleed on me? You’re a loony. Come, Patsy.” — King Arthur
“A duck! I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table? What is your name? This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. Camelot. Shh. Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Camelot!” — King Arthur
“No, on second thoughts, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place. Sorry. I’m averting my eyes, Oh Lord. Yes, Lord. Good idea, Oh Lord! Halt! Hello! Hello! It is King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?” — King Arthur
“Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. What? Are you sure he’s got one? Well… can we come up and have a look? Well, what are you then? If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take the castle by force. Now look here, my good man– now, this is your last chance. I’ve been more than reasonable… if you do not agree to my commands, then I shall– Jesus Christ! Crikey! Right! Charge! Run away! Run away!” — King Arthur
“No, no. What happens now? Who leaps out? Run away! Run away!” — King Arthur
Sir Bedevere
“How do you know she is a witch? Bring her forward. But you are dressed as one. Well? The nose? Did you dress her up like this? What makes you think she is a witch? A newt? Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. Tell me, what do you do with witches? And what do you burn apart from witches? So, why do witches burn? Good. So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?”
“Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone? Does wood sink in water? What also floats in water? Exactly. So, logically… we shall use my largest scales. Right. Remove the supports! Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?”
“My liege. My liege, I would be honored. Bedevere, my liege. Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, knight of the round table.”
“That, my liege, is how we know the Earth is banana-shaped. Certainly, sir. Charge!”
“Sir, I have a plan, sir. Well, now, Lancelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed! Lancelot, Galahad, and I… leap out of the rabbit… and… um… look. If we built this large, wooden badger… “
Sir Lancelot
“Look, my liege! Camelot. Right.”
“A blessing from the Lord. Charge!”
“Fiends! I’ll tear them apart.”
Sir Gallahad
“Camelot.”
“God be praised! He says they’ve already got one. What are you doing in England?”
“What a strange person. Is there someone else up there we could talk to? Charge!”
Narrator
“The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur’s knights. But other illustrious names were soon to follow. Sir Lancelot the Brave. Sir Galahad the Pure. And Sir Robin, the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the battle of Badon Hill.”
“And the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries. The Knights of the Round Table.”
“Arthur. Arthur. King of the Britons. Oh, don’t grovel. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people groveling. And don’t apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone it’s ‘sorry this,’ and, ‘forgive me that,’ and, ‘I’m not worthy.’ What are you doing now? Don’t. It’s like those miserable psalms. They’re so depressing. Now, knock it off! Right. Arthur, King of the Britons. Your knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.”
“Course it’s a good idea! Behold, Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur. The quest for the Holy Grail.”
London, England
“Halt! Who goes there? Pull the other one. What? Ridden on a horse? You’re using coconuts! You’ve got two empty halves of coconut, and you’re banging them together.”
“Where did you get the coconuts? Found them? In Mercia? The coconut is tropical. Well, this is a temperate zone. Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? What? A swallow carrying a coconut? It’s not a question of where he grips it. It’s a simple question of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut.”
“Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beats its wings 43 times every second, right? Am I right? It could be carried by an African swallow. Oh, yes! An African swallow, maybe. Not a European swallow. That’s my point. Oh, yeah. I agree with that. But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory. Oh, yes. So, they couldn’t bring a coconut back, anyway. Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together? No, they’d have to have it on a line. Simple. They’d just use a strand of creeper. What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? Well, why not?”
“Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Nine pence. Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Here’s one. Nine pence. I’m not dead! What? Nothing. Here’s your nine pence. I’m not dead! Here. He says he’s not dead. Yes, he is. I’m not! He isn’t?”
“He will be soon. He’s very ill. I’m getting better! No, you’re not. You’ll be stone dead in a moment. I can’t take him like that. It’s against regulations. I don’t want to go on the cart. Don’t be such a baby. I can’t take him. I feel fine. Well, do us a favor. I can’t. Can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won’t be long. Got to go to the Robinsons’. They’ve lost nine today. When’s your next round? Thursday. I think I’ll go for a walk. You’re not fooling anyone, you know. Look, isn’t there something you can do? I feel happy! I feel happy! Thanks very much. Not at all. See you on Thursday. Right.”
“Who’s that, then? I don’t know. Must be a king. Why? He hasn’t got shit all over him. Man! I’m 37. I’m 37. I’m not old. You could say ‘Dennis.’ Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you? What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior. King? Very nice. How did you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there’s ever going to be any progress–“
“Dennis, there’s some lovely filth down here. Ooh. How do you do? King of the who? Who are the Britons? Didn’t know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. There you go! Bringing class into it again. No one lives there. We don’t have a lord. I told you. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.”
“But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting. By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs. By a two-thirds majority in the case of– ‘order?’ Who does he think he is? Well, I didn’t vote for you. How did you become king then? Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords, is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses. Not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you. I mean, if I went around saying I was an emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!”
“Now we see the violence inherent in the system. Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, I’m being repressed! What a giveaway. Did you hear that? That’s what I’m on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it didn’t you?”
“None shall pass. None shall pass. Then you shall die. I move for no man. ‘Tis but a scratch. No, it isn’t. I’ve had worse. Come on, you pansy! Come on, then. Have at you. Oh, had enough, eh? Yes, I have. Just a flesh wound. Chicken! Chicken! Right! I’ll do you for that. Come here. I am invincible. The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you! Come on, then. All right, we’ll call it a draw. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!”
“♪ Pie Jesu Domine ♪ Dona eis requiem ♪ Pie Jesu Domine ♪ Dona eis requiem ♪ A witch! We found a witch! We got a witch! We found a witch! We’ve got a witch! Burn her! Burn her! We have found a witch. May we burn her? Burn her! Burn her! She looks like one. I am not a witch. I am not a witch. They dressed me up like this. We didn’t! And this isn’t my nose. It’s a false one.”
“Well, we did do the nose. And the hat. But she is a witch. Burn her! Burn her! No! No! No! Yes. Yes. Yes. A bit. She has got a wart. A bit. Well, she turned me into a newt. I got better. Burn her anyway. Burn her! Are there? What are they? Tell us. Do they hurt? Burn them! Burn them! More witches! Wood. ‘Cause they’re made of wood? Build a bridge out of her. Oh, yeah.”
“No! It floats! It floats! Throw her into the pond! Bread. Apples. Very small rocks. Cider. Cherries. Gravy. Mud. Churches. Lead. If she…weighs the same as a duck… she’s made of wood. And, therefore… a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! It’s a fair cop. Burn her! It’s only a model.”
“♪ We’re knights of the Round Table ♪ We dance whene’er we’re able ♪ We do routines and chorus scenes ♪ With footwork impeccable ♪ We dine well here in Camelot ♪ We eat ham and jam and spam a lot ♪ We’re knights of the round table ♪ Our shows are formidable ♪ But many times We’re given rhymes ♪ That are quite unsingable We’re opera mad in Camelot ♪ We sing from a diaphragm a lot ♪ In war we’re tough and able ♪ Quite indefatigable ♪ Between our quests We sequin vests ♪ And impersonate Clark Gable It’s a busy life in Camelot ♪ I have to push the pram a lot ♪”
“Hello. Who is it? This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard. Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen. He’s already got one, you see. Oh, yes. It’s very nice. I told him we’ve already got one. Of course not! You are English-types. I’m French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king? Mind your own business. You don’t frighten us, English pig-dogs!”
“Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King. You and all your silly English k… nights. I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed, animal food-trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries. No. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time. Fetchez la vache! Quoi? Fetchez la vache! Ow!”
“Un cadeau. What? A present. Un cadeau. Oui, oui, allons-y. What? Let’s go. Oh.”
