HBO Max original series Eastbound & Down premiered February 15th, 2009.
#Eastbound&Down is a Gary Sanchez production.
rottentomatoes: 91%
metacritic: 70
imdb: 8.2
Kenny Powers
Kenny Powers is a washed-up pitcher in Wilmington, North Carolina.
“When my ass was 19 years old I changed the face of professional baseball.” — Kenny Powers
“You’re fucking out! Whoo! I was handed the keys to the kingdom, multi-million dollar deals, endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my shit.” — Kenny Powers
“Just a man with a mind for victory, and an arm like a fucking cannon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm. I’m sick and tired of carrying all the weight. Uh, the coaches and owners not giving me the shit I need to win. Atlanta, you’re fucking out. Kenny Powers is now a free agent.” — Kenny Powers
“Find a bar and get shitfaced, huh? Get me paid, bitch. Superstar! You mean Jew York? It’s fucking great. I gotta tell you, I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad. But turns out they’re nothing compared to these fags you got in San Francisco.” — Kenny Powers
“And a true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. I said I’m not on steroids! A man fights and fights and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies.” — Kenny Powers
“No, man. Come on, motherfucker. Come on, fucking fastball. And my ass ain’t no pussy. My ass is a– –fucking champion.” — Kenny Powers
“Oh, here you go. Uh, yeah, I think so. Yeah. I mean, I get a shit ton of fan mail. So that’s a lot of mail to go through. But, yeah, I mean, uh, yeah, I think I did. Y’all get that, uh, the tanning bed I sent y’all last year. Three years? Wow. Hm. Well, it is a tanning bed, you know? So… you boys ever tag team anybody, beat up any kids in your neighborhood?” — Kenny Powers
“When we were kids, me and your dad used to beat the shit out of these retard brothers that lived down the street. Hilarious. I mean, this guy was the most ruthless one. Now I’m sitting here, he’s got a family, he’s got a nice shirt on. Mongoloid Mike. Is that what you used to call him? You used to bust his head open with a stick. Remember that? I mean, my mind’s still blown you got three kids. I mean, I don’t remember you even having this one. Old blondie over here. Three handsome young men. The Powers’ way.” — Kenny Powers
“Y’all named your daughter after fuckin’ Titanic? Oh, wow. You gotta be shitting me. What’s his name, fuckin’ Shrek? No, huh? Okay. Ah. So, thanks for letting me crash here. Appreciate it. We? And how many times do I gotta tell you this? Gatorade is still trying to get a piece of my ass. I got the IRS up in my shit. I need to take a job just so the government can garnish my fuckin’ wages, man. I mean, just give me a little breathing room here. Just give me some walking around money, then I’ll be fine. Okay?” — Kenny Powers
“You wanna know how long I’m gonna stay here? Four fuckin’ years. How about that? Really. We’re brothers. You want me to really give you a date? Till I what? I’m kiddin’. Okay. Okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I’m the man who has the ball. I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck. so that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.” — Kenny Powers
“April. April! I’m just kiddin’, it’s me. Ah. I recognize your scent. Do you recognize my essence? Yeah? Yeah. That feels familiar, huh? I think I’m gonna need to change my pants. I’m just playin’. I didn’t come in my pants. Oh, you know. I’m just doing a little rehab on the shoulder, you know? Trying to get my fuck on, you know what I’m sayin’? Yeah. You have not changed at all. We still got that fun chemistry where we just play with each other– oh. Big boss man. Okay. Well, that’s good for you.” — Kenny Powers
“No, actually I don’t. I play real sports. Not trying to be the best at exercising. Fuck this guy. How about you get the paperwork started? I’m gonna stay here and kind of catch up with April. We used to date. Yeah. It’s a little too early to tell, but looks like the sparks are still flying. I’m gonna get up in it. Bullshit. You’re engaged? Yeah, right. Who are you engaged to?” — Kenny Powers
“What’s up? I’m Kenny Powers, I’ll be your new PE teacher till Coach Booth’s back is fixed. Yeah, I’m famous. La-di-da, big fuckin’ deal. Now, at this time I’d like to field any questions anybody has. This is the time to do it. You. Big kid. I’m talking about me. I want– these are questions about me personally as a superstar. You know, you got this moment in time here with an American icon, you’re gonna waste it asking a question about the fuckin’ mile? Who’s next? Who’s got something else for me here? You. Think that’s funny? How about I show you my balls right here and you can tell me if they shrunk, huh? No, for your information, I have full-sized balls.” — Kenny Powers
Dustin Powers / Cassie Powers / Family
“Hey, hit me up with that Texas toast there, bro. Thanks. So did you get the Christmas cards we got you this year? The one you sent three years ago?”
“We try and teach our children not to make fun of others who are challenged. Okay. I think we’re gonna tone down the language. Right? We got three. Uh, the littlest one’s a girl. You certainly are. Her name is Rose. Named after Miss Kate Winslet in the movie Titanic.”
“It’s Cassie’s favorite movie. Damn, it’s cold. Yeah. S-sure, man. Kenny, we was wondering, uh, speaking of which, how long you was planning on, you know, staying here? Well, it ain’t like that. How long do you think that’s gonna be? Yeah.”
“Well, oh, just wondering how long it’s gonna be till you… get your shit together, Kenny. I’m not.”
April Buchanon
“I mean, he drew a pentagram made of penises. You know, I think he’s a real sicko, Mrs. Brady. I got my major in art, not psychology. You know, I don’t know what to tell this kid. Oh. Okay. It’s nice to see you too. Um, did, uh– I was surprised when, um, I heard that you were coming back. Mm-hm. Kenny, if you think that I’m gonna hook up with you after all this time, well, then you’ve lost your goddamn mind. Mm. Hilarious. Ahem. We went to high school together. Well– oh, God. Oh, that’s not funny. That’s– I forgot to tell you, um, I’m– I’m engaged now. Yeah.”
Principal Cutler
“Kenny Powers in my school? Wow. It is a true pleasure to meet you. I’m just a huge fan. Uh, Terence Cutler, principal. Well. When I heard that you were gonna be subbing here, I-I almost lost my mind. Ha-ha. Well, there’s something you need to know about, Kenny. You’re not the only athlete here at Jeff Davis. I happen to be training for a triathlon right now, so doing a lot of running, and, uh, cycling, swimming. Well, you know all about that. Ha-ha! This guy, hilarious. Ha-ha! Yeah. Well, let’s get your paperwork started, huh? Show you where you’re gonna be working. You know April? You used to date? April, you never told me you dated Kenny Powers. That is so cool! You’re hilarious! To me. We’re engaged. Hey, May 11th, save the date, because Kenny Powers is definitely coming to my wedding. Heh. You can throw out the first pitch. Heh.”
Sportcasters / Media / Fans
“Well, any baseball fan has gotta love this. It’s bottom of the ninth inning, game 7, bases loaded, two out, and Atlanta’s gone to their bullpen and called on the rookie, Kenny Powers. Absolutely untested, and he’s run the count full to the all-star Eddie Friarson. The bases all loaded. He shakes off a sign.”
“Now he’s ready. Three. Two. Pitch. Struck him out! Kenny Powers has done it. Atlanta wins the series! Listen to this crowd!”
“You’re fucking out! You’re fucking out! Whoo!”
“So, Kenny, how do you feel about playing for New York? Any comments on the steroid allegations?”
“Kenny Powers, a career that once showed so much promise. You can feel the sun going down on it right here. Two balls, no strikes. A runner on third, one out in the eighth. MacWorthy awaits. And there’s a long fly ball. It is way back there. The nail in the coffin of a career. And Powers kicks his glove. You’re fucking out! You’re fucking out!”
Wilmington, North Carolina
“Write your name in the top right corner, followed by birth date and social security number. Fill out the form completely. When you finished, hand in your form to me. Welcome to the Shelby County school system and your new, exciting career as a, uh, substitute teacher.”
“Hey, you’re never gonna believe who’s sitting in front of me. Kenny Fucking Powers. Heh-heh-heh. No shit. Yeah, it’s him. No. Hell, no. He looks like shit. He looks like a big bag full of mashed-up asshole. Kenny Powers! Holy shit, I knew that was you. Slow the fuck down, dude. Marcus Shank. You banged my stepsister back in high school. What the fuck are you doing back here, man? Ow!”
“Do we have to run the mile? When you did steroids, did it make your balls shrink?”
