Disney+ original film Office Space was released February 19th, 1999.
#OfficeSpace made $10.8M at the international box office.
rottentomatoes: 81%
metacritic: 68
imdb: 7.6
Peter Gibbons
Peter Gibbons is a software engineer in Austin, Texas.
“Oh, yeah. I’m sorry about that. I-I forgot. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I have the memo right here. I just, uh, forgot. But it’s not shipping out till tomorrow, so there’s no problem. Yeah, no, I have the memo. I’ve got it. It’s right– Milton? Hi. Uh, could you turn that down just a little bit? Yeah, no, no, I know you’re allowed to. I, uh– I was just thinking maybe like, you know, a personal favor, you– uh-huh. Yeah, all right. Okay. Thanks… Milton. Yeah, the cover sheet. I know. I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it. Yeah, I got the memo. And I understand the policy and the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I’ve already taken care of it, so it’s not even really a problem anymore.” — Peter Gibbons
“Peter Gibbons. Yes. I have the memo. Hey, guys. Wanna go to Chotchkie’s, get some coffee? I gotta get out of here. I think I’m going to lose it. Boy, I tell you. Some days. One of these days it’s just gonna be like– just coffee. What if we’re still doing this when we’re 50? Lumbergh’s gonna have me work on Saturday. I-I can tell already. I’m gonna end up doing it because, uh, because I’m a big pussy. Which is why I work at Initech to begin with. Yeah. There she is. No, I can’t do that. I’m just another asshole customer. You can’t just walk up to a waitress and ask her out. Besides, I’m still trying to work it out with Anne. Uh, that reminds me. I’m not going to be able to play poker with you guys on Friday. I’m gonna see this, uh, occupational hypnotherapist with Anne. Yeah, I know.” — Peter Gibbons
“Anne wants me to go. She thinks it might help. I’m– you know, sometimes I think I– I get thinking that she’s cheating on me. What is that supposed to mean? No, I can’t do that. She’ll get all pissed off. And, besides, I think that the guy might actually be able to help. I mean, he did help Anne lose weight. Yeah, I know. The guy’s really good. Tom, every week you say you’re going to lose your job, and you’re still here. Really, what was it Tom? Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you would do… if you had a million dollars, didn’t have to work. And, invariably, whatever you’d say, that was supposed to be your career. So if you wanted to fix old cars, then you’re supposed to be an auto mechanic. I never had an answer. I guess that’s why I’m working at Initech.” — Peter Gibbons
“Damn, it Lawrence. Can’t you just pretend like we can’t hear each other through the wall? No, but… if you wanna talk to me, just come over. Aw, geez, Lawrence. Yeah. A little bit. I– yeah. I guess. I-I don’t know. Sometimes I get the feeling like she’s cheating on me. What do you mean by that? Forget it. Don’t worry. It’s all right. Just– I had a rough day. Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you’re not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, ‘sounds like a case of the Mondays?’ Huh. Nah, Lumbergh’s gonna have me come in on Saturday. I just know it. Yeah? How? Yeah. That’s a really good idea. Lawrence, what would you do if you had a million dollars? That’s it? If you had a million dollars, y-you’d do two chicks at the same time? Well, not all chicks. Good point. Besides two chicks at the same time? Nothing. I would relax. I would sit on my ass all day. I would do nothing.” — Peter Gibbons
“Is that the guy? Okay, Milton. Okay, well, that sounds, uh, that sounds great. Uh, I’ll talk to you later, all right? Bye. Oh. Come on. Oh, for crying– so I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, um, every single day of my life has been worse than… the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life. Yeah. Is there any way that you could sort of… just zonk me out so that, like, I don’t know that I’m at work… in here? Could I come home and think that I’ve been fishing all day, or something?” — Peter Gibbons
“Hello? Huh? Because I– I– I didn’t feel like it. Hi. I’m Peter. What are you doing for lunch today? I was asking what you were doing for lunch. Would you like to have lunch with me? Yeah. Oh. Okay. Well, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’m gonna go next door and get a table. And if you’d like to join me, uh, no big deal, all right? And if not, that’s cool too. Okay? All right. Flinger’s.” — Peter Gibbons
“Hey. I think it’ll be okay. Would you like to sit down? Yeah. Is it? I like yours. ‘We’re not in Kansas anymore.’ It’s on your– what’s a piece of flair? Do you get to pick them yourself? Okay. Initech. I sit in a cubicle, and I update bank software for the 2000 switch. Well, see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits for the date instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998. Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh– it doesn’t really matter. I, uh, I don’t like my job, and, uh, I don’t think I’m gonna go anymore. Yeah. I don’t know. But I really don’t like it and, uh, I’m not gonna go.” — Peter Gibbons
“Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh– I’m just gonna stop going. About an hour ago. Yeah. I don’t think I’d like another job. You know, I’ve never really liked paying bills. I don’t think I’m gonna do that, either. I wanna take you out to dinner, and then I want to go back to my apartment and watch Kung Fu. Do you ever watch Kung Fu? Channel 39. You should come over and watch Kung Fu tonight. Great. Yeah. Michael. No. I just came to get my address book. I’m not gonna stay. I got a phone number, Mike, that I don’t wanna lose. Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could possibly be. The who? Oh, yeah. Right. Oh, no way. No, I feel great. It’s the best day of my life.” — Peter Gibbons
“Oh, hi, Bob. Bob. Yeah. Well, I generally come in at least 15 minutes late. Uh, I use the side door. That way Lumbergh can’t see me. And, uh, after that, I just sort of space out for about an hour. Yeah. I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I’m working. I do that for, uh, probably another hour after lunch too. I’d say in a given week, I probably only do about 15 minutes… of real, actual work. Oh, yeah. Let me tell you something about T.P.S. reports.” — Peter Gibbons
“The thing is, Bob, it’s not that I’m lazy. It’s that I just don’t care. It’s a problem of motivation, all right? Now, if I work my ass off, and Initech ships a few a extra units, I don’t see another dime, so where’s the motivation? And here’s something else, Bob. I have eight different bosses right now. Eight bosses. Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That’s my only real motivation, is not to be hassled. That and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that’ll only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired. Okay. I don’t know. I guess. Listen, I’m gonna go. Uh, it’s been really nice talking to both of you guys. Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really well. Hi, Dom.” — Peter Gibbons
“No. Not right now, Lumbergh. I’m– I’m kinda busy. In fact, I’m going to have to ask you to go ahead and just come back another time. I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes. Yeah, they called me at home. I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob. Well, Bob, I have heard that, and you gotta do what you gotta do. You’re gonna lay off Samir and Michael?” — Peter Gibbons
Joanna
“Hi. Can I help you? Uh, well, our specials today are blackened chicken. And– it’s actually right there on the board. Excuse me. Are you– are you serious? Yeah. Um, I don’t– I don’t think I’m supposed to do that. Okay. When you say, ‘next door,’ do you mean Chili’s or Flinger’s? Okay.”
“Hi. I wonder if I’m allowed to, uh, wear this in here. Okay. Wow! This place is really… nice. Yeah, my God, compared to Chotchkie’s! I like the uniforms better, anyway. Ugh! Yeah, really. Ohh! Yeah. That’s– that’s, uh– that’s one of my– my pieces of flair. Oh, it’s, uh, where, you know, like these suspenders… and, uh, the buttons are all sort of– we’re actually required to wear, um, 15 pieces of flair. It’s really stupid, actually. Yeah, yeah, we do. Although I didn’t actually choose these. I just sort of grabbed, you know, 15 buttons and just– I don’t even know what they say. You know, I don’t really care. I don’t really like talking about my flair. So… where do you, uh, work, Peter? In– yeah, what– what do you do there? What’s that? You’re just not going to go? Won’t you get fired?”
“What, so you’re gonna quit? Uh, when did you decide all of that? Oh, really. About an hour ago. So you’re gonna get another job? Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and– uh, well, so what do you wanna do? I love Kung Fu. Totally. Okay. Okay. Can we order lunch first? Okay.”
“Yeah. I’m sorry I was late, but I was having lunch and I, uh– really? I-I have 15 pieces on. I also– oh. Okay. Okay, so you want me to wear more? Yeah? Yeah. Okay, so more then, yeah? Y-Yeah. Okay.”
Michael Bolton
” ♪ I got my pistol pawn cocked ready to lay shots nonstop ♪ Until I see your monkey ass drop ♪ And let your homies know who done it ♪ You gotta realize something ♪ I got this killa up inside of me ♪ I can’t talk to my mother so I talk to my diary ♪♪”
“You and me both, man. The thing is lucky I’m not armed. That’s me. Yeah. No, it’s just a coincidence. Yeah, you fucking cow. Yeah, well, at least your name isn’t Michael Bolton. There was nothing wrong with it, until I was about 12 years old, and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys. No way. Why should I change? He’s the one who sucks. What’s up, G. Yeah, well, I work at Initech, and I don’t consider myself a pussy. Okay? In fact, they’re gonna find out the hard way that I’m not a pussy… if they don’t start treating their software people better. I don’t understand. I could program a virus that would rip that place off big time. Big time. Why not? Dude, an occupational hypnotherapist?”
“Yeah, I know what you mean. Nothing. Look. Why don’t you just tell Anne that you’re not into hypnosis and you wanna play poker with us. Yeah, well, I don’t think any occupational hypnotherapist… is gonna help you solve any of your problems. Okay? Hey, and speaking of problems, what’s this I hear about you having problems with your T.P.S. reports? Oh, probably working on another heart attack. What? It’s a staff meeting. So what? You think the pet rock was a really great idea? That is the worst idea I’ve ever heard in my life, Tom. No. You’re working at Initech ’cause that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there’d be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars. Samir. Samir, you’re missing the point. The point of the exercise… is that you’re supposed to figure out what you would want to do if– ‘P.C. load letter?’ What the fuck does that mean? What the–“
“Uh, I don’t know. Who the hell is that guy? Yeah. Yeah. No, it’s– it’s just a coincidence. Yeah, he’s– he’s– he’s pretty– he’s pretty good, I guess. Right. Mmm– I don’t– I don’t know. I mean, I guess I sort of like them all. You know, you can just call me Mike. Peter. What the hell’s going on, man? I thought you were gonna come in here and start shooting. What? Peter, you’re in deep shit. You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing? Well, I hope you have a better story than that for Lumbergh. You know, you’re supposed to be having your interview right now with the consultants. The consultants. What has gotten into you? Wait, Peter. Peter. You gotta postpone it, man. Tell them you’ve been sick. Make something up.”
Samir Nagheenanajar
“Mother shitter, son of an ass– you– I’ll just–“
“No, not again. Why does it say ‘paper jam’ when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window. Piece of shit. No. Please. No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. I-It’s not that hard– Nagheenanajar. Nagheenanajar. You know, there’s nothing wrong with that name. Hmm. Why don’t– why don’t you just, uh, go by Mike instead of Michael? Oh, it’s a little early. It would be nice to have that kind of job security. Yes, I am also not a pussy. That’s right. Peter, you know, you always talk about this girl. If you’re so obsessed with her, why don’t you just ask her out?”
“Yeah. Peter, she’s anorexic. Yeah. Didn’t you get that memo? Is that Smykowski? What’s he doing? What are you talking about, Tom? Now how do you know that? Shit. Yes. Yes, it’s horrible, this idea. So, what did you say? You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in low-risk mutual funds, and then take the other half over to my friend Asadulah, who works in securities– “
Milton Waddams
“I was told– have you– I was told that if I was late again, I would summarily dismissed. Well, I-I was told that I could listen to the radio… at a reasonable volume from 9 to 11. Well, I-I told Bill that if-if Sandra’s going to listen to hear headphones… while she’s– while she’s filing, then I should be able to listen… to the radio while I’m collating. So, I don’t see why I should have to turn down the radio. Because I enjoy listening… at a reasonable volume from 9 to 11.”
“And I said I don’t care if they lay me off, either. Because I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then I’m– I’m quitting– I’m going to quit. And I told Dom too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year. And I used to be over by the window… and I could see the squirrels, and they were married. But then they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler. But I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler. And, oh, no, it’s not okay, because if they make me– if they take my stapler, then I’ll– I’ll have to– I’ll set the building on fire.”
“I’m sorry. Eh– what? No. No, no, because I was– I was told I no longer–there’s no room. What? But– well, okay, but… I could set the building on fire.”
“I was– I-I– I didn’t receive my paycheck this week. I did and they said– no, I-I was told I could not– no. There’s– but there’s no space– I was told I could stay— excuse me. I believe you have my stapler, please. Mmm.”
Bill Lumbergh
“Hello, Peter. What’s happening? Uh, we have sort of a problem here. Yeah, you apparently didn’t put one of the new cover sheets on your T.P.S reports. Mm, yeah. You see, we’re putting the cover sheets on all T.P.S. reports now before they go out. Did you see the memo about this? Yeah. If you could just go ahead and make sure you do that from now on, that would be great. And, uh, I’ll go ahead and make sure you get another copy of that memo. Mm-kay? Bye-bye, Peter. Hello, Phil. What’s happening? Uh, I came by here yesterday–“
“So you should ask yourself: with every decision you make, is this good for the company? Am I helping with– okay, then, um– I’d lkike to go ahead and welcome, uh, a new member of our team here. This is, uh, Bob Slydell. Yeah. Uh– Bob is a consultant. Yeah. He’s gonna be sort of, uh, helping us out a little here, asking some questions, maybe seeing if there are some ways… we can make things run a little more smoothly around here. Yeah. Oh, and remember, next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and, uh, wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.”
“Goodbye. Hello, Peter. What’s happening? Um… I’m gonna need you… to go ahead and come in tomorrow. So if you could be here around… 9, that would be great. Mm-kay? Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Uh, I’m also gonna need you to go ahead and come in… on Sunday too, okay? We, um, lost some people this week, and, uh, we need to sort of play catch-up. Thanks.”
“Yeah, hi. It’s Bill Lumbergh. It’s about… 10:00. Yeah. Just, uh, wondering where you are. Yeah. Hi. It’s Bill Lumbergh again. Uh, I just wanted to make sure you knew… that we did start at the, uh, usual time this morning. Yeah. It isn’t a half day or anything like that. So if you could just ago ahead… and get here as soon as possible, that would be terrific.”
“So from now on, only use the new time sheets… if you’ve worked on two or more job codes in one day, and you need the extra columns to fit it all in. Otherwise, use the old time sheets– I think this new system will really, really help us out. So, uh, any questions?”
“Not working out. He took a stapler off my desk– anyway, sounds great, Bob. See you in a few. Hi, Milton. What’s happening? Ah, I’m going to have to ask you… to go ahead and move your desk again. So if you could go ahead… and get it as far back against that wall as possible, that would be great. That way, we’ll have some room… for some of these boxes and things we need to put in here. And, uh– oh. Oh, there it is. Here, let me just go ahead and get that from you. Great. So if you could just get to that… as soon as possible, that would be terrific. Mm-kay? Thanks a bunch, Milton. Goodbye.”
“So, Peter, what’s happening? Listen, uh– great. Ooh. Yeah. Um– I’m going to have to go ahead and sort of disagree with you there. Yeah, uh, he’s been real flakey lately, and I’m just not sure that he’s the caliber person… that we would want for upper management. He’s also been having some problems with his T.P.S. reports. Yeah, uh, well, I’m just not sure about that right now. Yeah.”
“So, Peter, what’s happening? Uh, now, are you going to go ahead… and have those T.P.S. reports for us this afternoon? Ah, yeah. So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk, hmm? Uh, I wasn’t aware of a meeting with them. That sounds good, Peter. And, uh, we’ll go ahead and get this all fixed up for you. Great. Hi, Milton. What’s happening? Uh, you’re going to have to talk to Payroll about that. Milton, we’re going to need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage ‘B.’ We have some new people coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could just go ahead… and pack up your stuff, and move it down there, that would be terrific– mm-kay?”
Tom Smykowski
“Hey! Hey, guys! Peter! Samir! I’ve been looking all over for you guys. Have you seen this? I knew it. I knew it. So what? We’re all screwed, that’s what. They’re gonna downsize Initech. How do I know? They’re bringing in a consultant, that’s how I know. That’s what this staff meeting is all about. It happened at Initrode last year. You have to interview with this consultant. They call them ‘efficiency experts.’ But what you’re really doing is interviewing for your own job. Not this time. I bet I’m the first one laid off. Just the thought of having to go to the state unemployment office, to stand in line with those scumbags!”
“You know, there are people in this world that don’t have to put up with all this shit. Like that guy that invented the Pet Rock? You see, that’s what you have to do. You have to use your mind… and come up with some really great idea like that. And you can make millions. Never have to work again. Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars. You know, I had an idea like that once, a long time ago. Well, all right. It was a ‘jump to conclusions’ mat. You see, it would be this mat… that you would put on the floor, and it would have different conclusion written on it… that you could jump to. Uh, look, I gotta get outta here. I’ll see you guys later, if I still have a job.”
“Yeah. We’re screwed. Where’s Peter? I heard he didn’t show up this weekend. Yes. Y–Yes. Thast’s– that’s right. Well, I’ll tell you why. Uh, because… engineers are not good at dealing with customers. Well– no. M– My secretary does that, or they’re faxed. Well… no. Yeah, I mean, sometimes. Well, look, I already told you. I deal with the goddamn customers so the engineers don’t have to. I have people skills. I am good at dealing with people! Can’t you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people? I– so tell me, what’s your favorite song of his?”
Initech
“Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking. Just a moment. Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking. Just a moment. Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking. Just a moment. Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking. Just a moment. Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking. Just a moment.”
“Hi, Peter. What’s happening? We need to talk about your T.P.S. reports. Yeah. Did you get the memo? Ah, yeah. It’s just we’re putting new cover sheets… on all the T.P.S. reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that’d be great. All right!”
“Sam Ire– Na– Na– Na– Naga– uh-huh. Michael… Bolton? Wow. Is that your real name? So are you related to that singer guy? Oh. Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.”
“Sounds good to me. Who’s he? Oh, yeah. So, uh, Milton has been let go. Hi, Peter.”
Lawrence
“Hey, Peter, man! Check out channel 9! Check out this chick! Oh, sorry, man! Anne over there or something? Hey, man, check this out, dude. I’m sorry, man. I thought you’d want to see this. Doesn’t that chick look like Anne? Hey, she hasn’t been over here in a while. You two still going out? Yeah. I get that feeling too, man. I don’t know, man. I just get that feeling look at her, like, she’s the type of chick that would just– oh, I’m sorry, man. Look, I-I– you know, I’m talking outta my ass. I don’t know nothing. Tele me about it, man. Ooh, I gotta wake my ass up at 6 a.m. every day this week, drag up to Las Colindas. Yeah. I’m doing the drywall up there at the new MacDonald’s. No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you’d get your ass kicked, saying something like that, man. We still going fishing this weekend? Well, you can get out of that easily. Well, when a boss wants you to work on a Saturday, he generally asks you at the end of the day, right? So all you gotta do is avoid him– that’s all right. I got it– on the last few hours on Friday, duck out early, turn off your answering machine, you should be home free, man. Fuckin’-A, man. I’ll what you what I’d do, man. Two chicks at the same time, man. Damn, straight. I’ve always wanted to do that, man. I think if I were a millionaire, I could hook that up too. ‘Cause chicks dick dudes with money. Well, the type of chicks that would double up on a dude like me do. Well, what about you now? What would you do? Well, yeah. Nothing, huh? Well, you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin. He’s broke, don’t do shit.”
“Hey, Peter, man! Check out channel 9. It’s the breast exams. Whoa!”
The Bobs
“What you do at Initech is, you take the specifications from the customers… and you bring them down to the software engineers. Well, then I just have to ask, why couldn’t the customers just take them directly to the software people, huh? Uh-huh. So you physically take the specs from the customer? Huh. So then you must physically bring them to the software people. What would you say you do here?”
“Let’s see. You are Michael… Bolton? Is that your real name? Are you any relation to the pop singer? I’ll be honest with you. I love his music. I do. I’m a Michael Bolton fan. Me too. For my money, I don’t know if it gets any better than when he signs ‘When a Man Loves a Woman.’ But you must really love his music, huh? You’re goddamn right, he is. That’s a riot. I’m the exact same way. But it must be twice as hard for you, being having the same name as him. I celebrate the guy’s entire catalog. Anyway, let’s get down to business, Michael.”
“Next better looks like a Peter Gibbons. Uh-huh. Ah, there you are. We were just talking about you. You must be Peter Gibbons. Uh-huh. Terrific. I’m Bob Slydell. This is my associate Bob Porter. Why don’t you go ahead and grab a seat and join us for a minute or two. You see, what we’re actually trying to do here is we’re just– we’re trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work. So if you would, would you walk us through a typical day for you? Great. Uh, ‘space out?’ Uh, Peter, would you be a good sport… and indulge us and just… tell us a little more?”
“Don’t– don’t care? I beg your pardon? Eight? Would you bear with me for just a second, please? What if– and believe me, this is so hypothetical– but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option, equity-sharing program? Would that do anything for you? Absolutely. The pleasure’s all on this side of the table, trust me. Okay. Great. Wow. Thanks a lot.”
“Right, so there’s three more people we can easily lose. And then there’s Tom Smykowski. He’s useless. Gone. Here’s a peculiar– uh, Milton Waddams. You know, squirrely, looking guy. Mumbles a lot. Yeah, we– we can’t actually find a record of him being a current employee here. I looked into it more deeply, and I found that apparently what happened… is that he was laid off five years ago, and no one ever told him about it. But through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck. So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch. Well, just a second there, professor. We, uh, fixed the glitch, so he won’t be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it’ll just work itself out naturally. We always like to avoid confrontation whenever possible. The problem is solved from your end.”
“Um, I’d like to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons. Now, we had a chance to meet this young man, and, boy, that’s just a straight shooter… with upper management written all over him. I’ll handle this. We feel… that the problem isn’t with Peter. Mm-mmm. It’s that you haven’t challenged him enough to get him really motivated. There it is. Yeah, Bill, let me ask you a real question here. How much time would you say you spend each week… dealing with these T.P.S. reports?”
“Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately. Good one. Oh, that’s terrific, Peter. I-I’m sure you’ve– you’ve heard some of the rumors… circulating around the hallways about how we’re going to be doing… a little ‘housecleaning’ with some of the software people. We’re gonna be getting rid of these people here. First, Mr. Samir Naga– He– He– Naga–Naga— not gonna work here anymore anyway. And Mr. Mike Bolton. Nobody’s gonna miss him. Ah, yeah, we’re gonna bring in some entry-level graduates. Farm some work out to Singapore. That’s the usual deal.”
Austin, Texas
“What about today? Is today the worst day of your life? Wow. That’s messed up. I’m sorry. Go on. That’s… really not what I do, Peter. However, the good news is, I think I can help you. I want you to do something for me, Peter. I want you to try and relax. I want you to relax every muscle in your body, beginning with your toes to your fingertips. Now, I want you to relax your legs. You’re beginning to feel your eyelids getting heavy… as you slip deeper and deeper… into a state of complete relaxation. All your cares and concerns are disappearing. Deeper and deeper. Way down. Your concern about your job… melts away, way, way down. Now, when I count backwards from three, you’ll be in a state of complete relaxation. Your worries, cares and inhibitions will be gone, and you will remain in that state… until I snap my fingers. Three. Deeper and deeper. Way, way down. Two. Deeper and deeper. W-W-Way down. Whu– Whu– One.”
“Oh, my God! Doctor Swanson! Ew! Ew! Is he breathing? Call 911! Oh! Where’s the phone? Where’s the goddamn phone? Hurry! Peter! Hurry!”
“Peter, what’s going on? It’s 3:30. Why aren’t you at work? Peter, what’s gotten into you? First you just sit there while Dr. Swanson dies. Then you just walk out of the car and embarrass me in front of my friends. And don’t blame this on hypnosis, either. That’s total bull– listen, asshole. Nobody hangs up on me. We’re through. Oh, and one more thing. I’ve been cheating on you!”
Chotchkie’s
“So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink, or maybe something to nibble on? Some pizza shooters, shrimp poppers or extreme fajitas? Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays.”
“Who. Hey, look who’s back! Table for three to–“
“Joanna, would you come here for a minute, please? We need to talk about your flair. Well, okay, 15 is the minimum, okay? Now, you know, it’s up to you whether or not… you wanna just do the bare minimum or, uh– well, like Brian, for example, has 37 pieces of flair on today. And a terrific smile. Look, Joanna– people can get a cheeseburger anywhere, okay? They come to Chotchkie’s for the atmosphere and the attitude. Okay? That’s what the flair’s about. It’s about fun. Look, we want you to express yourself. Okay? Now, if you feel that the bare minimum is enough, then okay. But some people choose to wear more, and we encourage that. Okay? You do wanna express yourself, don’t you? Okay, great, great. That’s all I ask.”
