Miriam Maisel, Amazon Video, Amazon Studios, Dorothy Parker Drank Here Productions, Picrow, Rachel Brosnahan

Perpendicular Humor

Miriam Maisel, Amazon Video, Amazon Studios, Dorothy Parker Drank Here Productions, Picrow, Rachel Brosnahan

Amazon original comedy The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel premiered its first season on November 29th, 2017.

#MrsMaisel has been renewed for a second season.

rottentomatoes: 96%

metacritic: 80

imdb: 9.0

golden globes : 2 wins

Miriam Maisel, Amazon Video, Amazon Studios, Dorothy Parker Drank Here Productions, Picrow, Rachel Brosnahan

Miriam Maisel, Amazon Video, Amazon Studios, Dorothy Parker Drank Here Productions, Picrow, Rachel BrosnahanMiriam “Midge” Maisel

Following her divorce Midge Maisel engages in an intoxicated impromptu stand-up comedy bit at a night club and develops a passion for the craft in 1950s New York City.

Miriam Maisel, Amazon Video, Amazon Studios, Dorothy Parker Drank Here Productions, Picrow, Rachel Brosnahan

Golden Globes

1 win: 2018

“Shh!  Who gives a toast at her own wedding?  I mean, who does that?  Who stands in the middle of a ballroom after three glasses of champagne on a completely empty stomach– and I mean completely empty because fitting into this dress required no solid food for three straight weeks.  Who does that?  I do.  This day is perfect.  It’s like a dream– or a nightmare if you’re my father.  ‘How much for the flowers?’  ‘Who eats mushroom caps?’  ‘Do the caterers have any idea what the Jews went through a few years ago?’  This day has been long in planning.  Anybody who knows me knows I plan.  At 6 I decided Russian literature would be my major.  At 12 I found my signature haircut.  At 13 I announced I was going to Bryn Mawr College.  From day 1 I knew that decision was a charmed one.  First of all my roommate Petra was friendly and fat, which was perfect.  I’ll have someone to eat with who won’t steal my boyfriend.  The campus was old and elegant, with ivy-covered buildings and stained glass windows and… This was a magical place where butter was beautiful and I would solve the mysteries of the universe and meet brilliant women, kindred spirits who would explore this brave new world with me.  But all these marvelous adventures were simply the preamble to my ultimate destiny.  I was going to meet a man– a perfect man.  He would be 6’4″ and blond and his name would be Dashiell or Stafford or– Joel Maisel was my knight in shining armor, a gift from God, and he thought I was brilliant.  He took me to galleries and poetry readings and Greek dramas.  Oh, the things Joel taught me.  I have been very lucky.  I have wonderful parents.  I’ve had a very comfortable life, and though I knew that love would be great, I had no idea it would mean anything that could justify what I paid for this dress.  And because it’s better than anything I could have imagined, I thought I should get up here today and tell all of you that I love this man.  And yes, there is shrimp in the egg rolls.” — Midge Maisel

“Monogrammed butter pats.  Ohh!  My God, it’s burning.  It’s awful.  I hate you for this.  Never listen to me.  I’m nuts.  Why aren’t you in pain?  I don’t know what that means.  How much longer?  Oh, Jiminy Crickets.  How much longer?  Holy fucking Christ balls!” — Midge Maisel

“Uh, excuse me.  Excuse me, Miss.  She’s going to need that.  No way he’s funnier than Misty.” — Midge Maisel

“You know what I want?  I want to make you laugh every day of your life.  No, no, not now.” — Midge Maisel

“Lefty, we got the rabbi.  We heard today.  My mother fainted, then called four people, then fainted again.  This year, on Yom Kippur, Rabbi Krinsky will be breaking fast at our house.  I’m so sorry.  What were you getting?  Put her pork chops on my tab.  Oh, I can’t believe it.  The rabbi’s been mad at us since the wedding.  It only took four years of apologies and a dreidel signed by Sammy Davis Jr., but we finally got the bastard.  You like your free pork chops?  Zip it, then.  Delivery Thursday?  I grabbed a couple of black and whites.  We got the rabbi!” — Midge Maisel

“Antonio, I bought you a black and white.  Jerry, nice tie.  Got you a black and white.  Thank you, Jerry.  Perfect.  You are perfect.  Hello.  What am I, a braggart?  Please.  How’s work?  Hmm.  I’m buying it a sash and a crown.  Yikes.  Baz.  You must learn his name.  Don’t worry.  We’ll fix it.  We will fix it.  They’re not?  Well, then we’ll fix it.  Go on at 1:45.” — Midge Maisel

“I have a cab waiting downstairs.  Hi, Archie.  I know, but the driver’s having trouble with his marriage, and I hated to send him off like that.  Bye, Archie.  Packed house.  Oi, my God, with the one-track mind.  Go.  Sit.  Let the master work.  I’m looking for Baz.  I’ll wait till he’s done.  It’s for Baz. I made my brisket.  No, he loves his time slot.  He loves any time slot.  There’s just a tiny problem.  Our daughter is sick.  Earache, and 1:45 is just so late.  I didn’t know what to do.  I thought– what?  Uh, yes.  Yes, he did.  Yes.  So painful.  I’ll take that into consideration.  I make great latkes, genius latkes.  You won’t be sorry.  10:30.  Mm-hmm.  Where’s my kiss?  I’ll take that token.  I almost left myself.  She works there.  You got three more laughs tonight than you did last time, and a couple of extra, like, laughlets.  But what you were shaking your head for?  Nothing.  You were great.  You know, you don’t really say hello to the audience.  Maybe you should write a beginning, something that says who you are or something.  What do you think?  Good evening.  What a nice… good evening, ladies and gentlemen.  Thank you for the nice– nice– ‘nice’ is a bad, bad word.  All that applause for me?  What am I, putting out after?  One standing ovation, everyone goes home pregnant.  Maybe you could do impressions to start.  You do a great one of my aunt Bertha ordering dinner.  ‘A garnish can be festive but deadly.'” — Midge Maisel

“Did the alarm go off?  Wow.  I didn’t hear it at all.  Good morning, Jerry.  Thanks, Jerry.  Hello.  It’s me.  Oh, yes, Zelda, please.  Good morning, papa.  Good morning, Ethan.  Ethan.  Ethan.  Ethan.  E– never mind.  Yes, and a great welcome from my son.  Thanks for taking the kids last night.  Were they okay?  Why?  What’s the matter with her?  What?  Are you sure?  Look at the nose.  It’s elongating now.  Ma, there’s always bangs.  Mama, she’s a baby.  Mm-hmm.  It went very well.  Anyone who shows up.  They pass around a basket at the end of your set, and whatever’s in it you get to take home.  No, we don’t need money. Joel is funny, and he likes to do his comedy.  As long as it’s fun.  Really?  I’ve been doing these exercises with the soup cans.  Yes, all done.  Ethan, put your coat on.  I’ll call you later.  Bye, papa.  Say goodbye, Ethan.  Ethan.  Ethan.  Ethan.  E– never mind.” — Midge Maisel

“Right ankle 8, left ankle 8.  Right calf 11, left calf 11.  Right thigh 18.  Right thigh 18 1/2.  Hips 34.  Waist 25.  Bust 32.  Mm.  Every day for ten years.  Mm.  There you are.  Are you hungry?  I made curry– and I ordered Chinese in case it’s awful.  They’re upstairs.  Bye.  Joel?  Joel.  You’re not gonna believe this.  Bob Newhart is doing your act.  Bob Newhart.  He’s on ‘Ed Sullivan.’  He’s doing your act.  He must have come to the club one night and seen you perform, and now he’s television doing it just like you do.  Well, different because he does it faster, which is better, actually, but that’s beside the point.  I’m mad.  Aren’t you mad?  You’re not mad.  Or stunned.  Not even mildly bemused?  What?  How is it his act?  How do you know his act?  So you stole Bob Newhart’s act.  Everybody steals his act?  It’s not?  When I found out June Freedman used my meatloaf recipe, I almost stabbed her in the eye with a fork.  Oh.  Well, if that’s how it’s done.  I thought you’d written it– that act.  I feel a little silly now.  Yes.  You slowed it down.  Right.  I’m new to this, so– I guess I will.  Sure.  Guess I’d better go apologize to June Freedman now.” — Midge Maisel

“Hello.  Do you know something I don’t?  Yes.  It’s fine.  What’s the matter?  Tonight.  Yes, I understand.  Of course I remember.  They’ve got a babysitter.  It’s all arranged.  Joel, come on.  I promise you’ll get on.  I’ll bring the brisket.  I’ll do my thing.  Everything will be fine, okay?  Hey.  Remember this whole comedy thing, it’s supposed to be fun.  That’s why we do it, right?  I can do that.  I will be on time.  Huh.  Your daddy is crazy.  Now let’s measure that forehead.” — Midge Maisel

“Pull over here.  I’ll be just a minute.  Oh, geez.  I know.  I’m sorry.  Yes.  You didn’t have to stand out there.  I would have come up.  What?  What?  I was in a hurry to meet you.  You can hardly see them.  It was probably a moth.  Yes.  Ted.  Ted the moth.  Dime-sized holes, that’s his signature.  I think it doesn’t matter.  It’s downtown.  If you have underwear on, you’re overdressed.” — Midge Maisel

“Hey, why don’t you talk about it?  About your sweater.  You know, joke about it in your act.  It’ll be fun, personal, yours.  Okay, why don’t you go join them, have a cup of coffee, calm down?  I’ll go deal with this, okay?  Mm-hmm.  Excuse me.  Is Baz around?  Excuse me.  Um, do you see my husband Joel Maisel over there?  Okay.  He couldn’t get away from work to come down here earlier for a time to perform.  He’s a comedian.  Anyhow, it was a crazy day at work, and, see, tonight our best friends are here– the Clearys, and– over there.  Anyhow, I was wondering if you could find a way to give my husband a better time– preferably before 11:30.  What?  Well, I have the brisket.  So… anything you can do would be great.  So thanks.” — Midge Maisel

“Hi.  You should see the bathroom.  Uh, he wasn’t there, but the lady said she’d work it out.  I don’t know.  Soon.  I’ll be right back.  Where is she?  The one who looks like she lives under a bridge.  Do you know where?  Any minute now.  Oh, no, wait– wait just a few minutes.  We can’t leave.  I think she said you’re up.  Whoo!” — Midge Maisel

“I know.  I just thought you’d put it into some sort of joke form or something.  Sorry.  Can I get you anything?  What are you doing?  That’s my suitcase.  You going to leave me with my suitcase?  Joel, tomorrow’s Yom Kippur.  Nobody’s happy.  It’s Yom Kippur.  Things like what?  Like leaving me?  So don’t.  Practice a little.  Try it again when you feel more confident about the moves.  Joel, the rabbi is coming.  Five years we’ve been trying to get the rabbi, and this year we got him.  We got the rabbi.  No.  P-please.  I don’t understand.  It was one stupid night.  So?  You’re jealous of the rabbi?  He was in Buchenwald.  Throw him a bone.  Yes.  Married.  Joel, please.  No, of course not.  What do you mean, what do I mean?  I thought they were fun.  I thought they were our fun couples thing, like how the Morgensterns play golf or how the Meyers ballroom dance or how the Levins pretend they’re from Warsaw once a week to get 10% off of that Polish restaurant that does Kielbasa Night.  I never knew you were serious about it.  Well, for starters, you were doing someone else’s act.  If you wanted to be a comedian, you should have at least written a joke.  I wrote the Ted thing.  Because you killed it.  Joel, come on.  You have a job.  Since when do you hate your job?  You’re the vice president of– no.  Maybe if you did, you’d like it more.  I’m sorry.  But, Joel, you can’t just leave.  I love you.  We have a home.  We have children.  They’re going to notice.  No, no, no.  Wait.  I will be better.  I will do better.  I– I’ll– I’ll pay more attention.  You can quit your job.  We can go to the club every single night, and I’ll buy more notebooks.  Who?  Your secretary.  You’re leaving me for a girl  who can’t figure out how to sharpen pencils?  It was electric.  All she had to do was push.  With her?  She wins?  Wife, two kids.  Oh, that might be the funniest thing you’ve ever said.  Tomorrow is Yom Kippur.  I have 30 people and a rabbi coming over for break fast, and this is the moment you decide to tell me you’re going to ride off into the sunset with your half-wit secretary.  Can I just say that you have the worst timing ever?  Go on.  Get out.  Grab some pens on your way out.  You’re going to need them.” — Midge Maisel

“Papa.  Papa.  Papa, wait.  I– I just– I have something to tell you.  You should both sit.  Joel left.  He packed up my suitcase, and he left.  He’s gone.  Yes.  Nothing.  I didn’t do anything.  He’s– he’s in love with his secretary.  Of course I didn’t know.  God.  Shit.  No, I didn’t use sailor talk.  What the hell is he doing in there?  At me?  Who’ll hear?  Who is them?  Oh, God, mama.  Papa.  Papa.  Why are you mad?  I didn’t do anything wrong.  They’ll have terrible deli?  That was about deli, too.  Don’t pick a weak man.  This isn’t my fault!  Mama, please stop crying.  He was a good husband.  He was a good provider.  Mama, for the love of God, please stop crying in that bedroom!  This isn’t fair.  Much better.  Thanks.  How can you say that about Joel?  You liked him.  Why didn’t you tell me, then?  When did you tell me?  That was telling me?  What am I supposed to do, go buy one at Zaybar’s?”

“Nope.  Gonna take the subway.  It’s miserable in there, too.  I left my Pyrex here.  Id’ like it back.  Pyrex.  My Pyrex.  It’s a Pyrex.  Pyrex.  It’s a glass baking dish, very durable.  It can go from hot to cold without cracking.  I know.  It’s not yours.  It’s mine.  I brought it here.  I made a brisket f– is that really important right now?  My dish is here.  I’d like it back.  Can you make that happen?  So this is it, huh?  This is the dream– standing up here on this filthy, sticky stage all alone.  Couldn’t have that, you didn’t want me.  Was that it, Joel?  What?  My husband.  Sorry.  Joel is my husband of four years, and tonight he left.  Thank you.  Thank you very much.  Yep,  He left– Joel.  Left.  He packed up my suitcase and left.  Oh, I’m going to have to lie to the rabbi about why Joel’s not there.  Lying to the rabbi on Yom Kippur.  I couldn’t get a clean slate for one fucking day.  Me, either, sister, me, either.  There are so many questions spinning around in my head.  Why did he leave?  Why wasn’t I enough?  And why didn’t they put the stage over there against that wall instead of over here by the bathroom so you wouldn’t have to listen to every giant bowel movement that takes place in there?  Oh, yeah.  Clear as a bell.  I’m sorry.  I’m a little drunk.  It’s all gone.  Everything I’ve counted on is gone.  You feeling better now?  So my life completely fell apart today.  Did I mention that my husband left me?  All right.  All right.  But did I mention that he left me for his secretary?  Mm-hmm.  She’s 21 and dumb as a Brillo pad.  And I’m not naive.  I know that men like stupid girls.  Right?  But I thought Joel wanted more than stupid.  I thought he wanted spontaneity and wit.  I thought he wanted to be challenged.  You know what I mean?  You two are going to be together forever.  I’ll tell you this much.  I was a great wife.  I was fun.  I planned themed nights.  I dressed in costumes.  I gave him kids– a boy and a girl.  And yes, our little girl is looking more and more like Winston Churchill every day, you know, with that big Yalta head.  But that’s not a reason to leave, right?  Really?  Really?  After what I just said about the bathroom?  Walk of shame.  Walk of shame!  I loved him.  And I showed him I loved him.  All that shit they say about Jewish girls in the bedroom?  Not true.  There are French whores standing around the Marais District saying ‘did you hear what Midge did to Joel’s balls the other night?’  I can’t believe this is happening.  I can’t believe I’m losing him to Penny Pan.  That’s her name.  Terrible, right?  Penny Pan.  Penny Pan.  Penny Pan.  And I’m officially losing my mind, which is perfect.  Now I will be alone and crazy, the famous mad divorcée of the upper West Side.  Upper West Side?  Really?  Where?  That place on the corner with the courtyard?  Oh, that’s nice.  We looked there.  But the closets were so small, and I wanted a powder room.  Do you know I’ve seen her twice with her shirt on inside out?  Penny.  Twice.  Once, fine.  You were rushed in the morning.  Trusted, you can only be trusted to butter people’s corn at the county fair.  And here’s the worst thing.  And I know this is shallow and petty and small, but she’s not even that pretty.  Her ankles and her calves are the same width.  And I’m sorry, but look at me.  I am the same size now that I was at my wedding.  And come on, who wouldn’t want to come home to this every night?  Okay.  All right.  Maybe today’s not the best day to judge.  I’ve been crying, and my face is all puffy, and just– just– ignore my head.  Now, from here down, who wouldn’t want to come home to this?  Actually, I’m a little bloated right now.  I drank a lot of wine, and my stomach is sort of– oh, can– can I borrow that?  Thank you.  Okay.  Ignore this, ignore this.  But imagine coming home to these every night.  Yeah.  Yeah, they’re pretty good, right?  Plus they’re standing up on their own.  Seriously, there’s no fucking way that Penny Pan can compete with these tits!  So what if you’re never going to be a stand up comedian.  Look at what greets you at the door.  You think Bob Newhart’s got a set of these at home?  Rickles, maybe.  Aah!  Hey!  Hey, fuck Penny Pan!  Station?  What station?  I don’t understand what’s going on.  What?  Why?  You need a license to do that?  Seriously? Hey!  Hey!  Hey!” — Midge Maisel

“You bailed me out?  I don’t think so. Yep.  I feel different.  20 minutes can change you.  I’m a con now.  I’ve got a rap sheet.  I’m hard.  I’m a hard, used woman.  Is my hair gray?  It feels gray.  I had it all.  I had everything I’d always wanted, and now it’s all falling apart.  Look at all these people.  They look so happy.  Are they high?  Must be nice.  I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired.  Do you notice I’m not wearing my own shoes?  I’m not.  Don’t know what happened, either.  Now I’m just a single, gray-haired ex-con drinking hooch and eating old nuts in someone else’s shoes.  You don’t know him.  Everybody steals, right?  I didn’t what?  What are you talking about?  I don’t have an act.  I don’t understand.  Oh, come on.  I am a mother.  Tonight was an isolated incident.  There are medications I can take to make sure that never happens again.  Who was he?  Oh, he’s good.  We say him at Grossinger’s last year.  Stop it.  That’s not true.  When did I become a member of the Communist party?  What?  Shit.  Oh, no.  No, no, no, no, no.  It’s Yom Kippur.  I’m supposed to be fasting, atoning for my sins in the eyes of God.  So I’m eating peanuts.  I have to go.  Thank you for my coat.  I paid full price at Saks.  385 Riverside Drive.  Wait.  Do I have money?  I do not have money.” — Midge Maisel

“I went by Gaslight, and they told me to come here.  Is this your apartment?  Uh, I’ll be by tomorrow at 10.  You don’t have a very long lease, do you?  Because you should move.” — Midge Maisel

“No.  No.  I did.  Can I ask you a question?  Do you love it?  Comedy.  Standup.  Do you love it?  But do you love it?  Yeah.  He loves it.” — Midge Maisel

“Meanwhile, I went to college to learn Russian.  And speaking of vodka, why don’t they serve booze here?  I need a drink.  I need a stiff drink.  I need a drink so stiff I could blow it.  Sorry, that’s un-ladylike.  You look offended.  I don’t mean to offend the delicate.  I-I used to be delicate.  I was delightful.  I was a goddamn flower.  I smelled like roses, and sunshine shone out of my ass.” — Midge Maisel

“Susie.  Tell me it’s gonna work.  This comedy thing, I’m-I’m staking a lot on it.  It’s gonna affect the whole family, it has to work.  no, I mean, it really has to work.” — Midge Maisel


Susie Myerson, Amazon Video, Amazon Studios, Dorothy Parker Drank Here Productions, Picrow, Alex BorsteinSusie Myerson

“Coming right up.  Fuck!  What?  Gaslight.  What?  Yes.  We’re open.  Don’t know.  When everyone’s gone.  Dr. Salk should find a vaccine for morons.  Yes?  Shitter, back on the right.  That the brisket?  Yes.  Jesus Christ, Baz.  Didn’t your son have the measles last week?  And the week before that, your mother had rickets?  And last month, your sister-in-law broke her toe.  Your brother threw out his back.  That’s a lot of health issues.  Your family might want to eat some fruit.  Pussy.  Hey.  Here.  Saw your act.  Don’t forget the latkes.” — Susie Myerson

“Nope.  Wait a minute.  The Clearys are here?  You’re kidding me.  Where?  Well, I will be damned.  Well, that is exciting.  The Clearys are here.  Wow.  Why isn’t he over here?  Mr. Saturday Night.  Why isn’t he asking for the time?  Why are you asking for the time?  You’re up.” — Susie Myerson

“Shit.  Shit.  This is not what you think.  She’s a housewife.  She doesn’t know the rules.  Come back next week!” — Susie Myerson

“My good deed for the year.  You get chick raped?  Here.  It’s still night out.  You were in there 20 minutes.  Not really.  Not quite.  No, you don’t.  No, you don’t.  Jesus Christ.  Okay, come on.  Yes, they are.  Have some nuts.  Listen, if you’re still upset about your husband, the guy was a fraud and a loser.  I know he was doing Bob Newhart’s act.  You didn’t.  Steal.  You didn’t steal.  Your shit was totally original.  Don’t get me wrong.  It was rough, but I’m telling you, there is definitely something there.  I’m thinking maybe we can meet somewhere, bigger club, if I could just get Baz to die.  About your act.  You will when we’re done.  You should do standup, and I can help you.  I’m serious.  Great.  We’ll use that.  One of your kids do something weird?  Look, 15 years I’ve been working in clubs, okay?  15 years watching every kind of loser get up there thinking he’s Jack Benny.  Twice have I seen someone deliver the goods.  First time, guy walks in– West coast, suntanned, arrogant pain in the ass.  Three words into his act, I fucking knew it.  I turned to Baz, and I said, ‘that guy’s gonna be famous.’  Mort Sahl.  Yeah, well, the second time was tonight.  I know I’m right about this, just like I know that unless I somehow get rich enough to hire some German broad to walk me around the park twice a day in my old age, I’m gonna spend my entire life alone.  It’s fine.  I don’t mind being alone.  I just do not want to be insignificant.  Do you?  Don’t you want to do something no one else can do?  Be remembered as something other than a mother or a housewife or member of the Communist party?  The minute you took that flyer.  So?  You showed your tits to half of Greenwich Village.  You think the fucking nuts are what’s going to piss Him off?  Hey, come on.  Hey.  Come back!  Miriam!” — Susie Myerson

“Yeah.  Hey, did you say 10?  In the morning?  Hey!” — Susie Myerson

“You ready?  One, two, three.  Rapist.  Confidence trickster?  Who are you, Charles Dickens?  He looks pretty rapey to me.  You can’t change your answer.  All right, orange tie, crappy suit.  Ready?  One, two, three.  Horse fucker.  No, I’m telling you, that guy has fucked a horse.  Oh, great.  Tits up.” — Susie Myerson

“Miriam, it’s okay.  I have been gearing up for this my entire life.  I have got a plan.  It is long term, and I swear to you, it is gonna work.” — Susie Myerson

“Well, I’m thinking about getting into management, like you.  I know.  I mean, you discovered a lot of people.  Good people, funny people.  I mean, you put Jerry and Dean together, for Christ’s sake.  You’re the only one I can stand in this stupid business.  I found somebody, and she is impulsive and intuitive and hysterical, and I think she’s gonna be big.  No, Harry, she’s a comic.  I’m not gonna tell you.  Then you’re gonna go after her, and I’ll be stuck with your brother’s nephew’s son’s camp counselor you sent to me last year.  She’s special.  I mean raw, unpredictable.  And we are going forward in a big, aggressive way.  It is.  I just, I got one question.  What the hell do I do?” — Susie Myerson

Abe Weissman, Amazon Video, Amazon Studios, Dorothy Parker Drank Here Productions, Picrow, Tony ShalhoubAbe Weissmam

“Two cakes, one for eating.  We’re very happy.  What I paid for that dress.  We’re very happy.  You show me in the Bible where God says you can’t eat shrimp.  But did He say shrimp?” — Abe Weissman

“Mm.  Zelda, don’t clean in here.  It’s fine just the way it is.  How did you get in here?  Just because there is a door does not mean you use it.  A door does not represent infinite possibilities.  Is everything ordered for next week?  You have a whole apartment to clean.  Just leave this room the way it is.  Our dining room is fine.  Clean the bathroom.  Clean the bathroom.  You love bathrooms.  Clean them again.” — Abe Weissman

“Rose.  Rose.  Rose!  When I agreed to send you to that fancy goyische college, what was the one thing I told you?  The important thing I told you.  The other important thing I told you!  Ah.  Of course it’s your fault.  Everything we bring on ourselves is our own fault.  What are you going to do now?  What are your children going to do?  Life isn’t fair.  It’s hard and cruel.  You have to pick your friends as if there’s a war going on.  You want a husband who’ll take a bullet for you, not one who points to the attic and says ‘they’re up there.’  I knew what he was.  I did tell you!  When you first came home with him.  That night.  I looked at you.  I asked, ‘is this the choice?’ And you said yes.  I have to spell it out for you?  You listen to me, Miriam.  You are a child.  You cannot survive this.  Now, I am no fan of Joel’s, but you need a husband.  And those children need a father.  You fix your face.  Put on his favorite dress.  Then you go out, find him, and make him come back home.” — Abe Weissman

“I’m sorry.  Do you have something to say?  Truman knows the answers.  Truman always knows the answers.  Really?  Did you?  Did you know the answer?  No?  Did you know the answer?  No.  so none of you knew the answer.  But Truman.  Could have?  Could have.  Charlie… could have doesn’t count.  Maybe doesn’t count.  ‘I took a shot’ doesn’t count.  Because this room is a sanctuary from the variables in the outside world.  In this room, we deal with absolutes.  Period.  In this room… this is what counts.  These two vectors are collinear.  They go… together.  And they will always go together.  This is the solemn vow made my mathematics.  In this room, v-two is never going to break that vow and decide that it doesn’t need the other vector anymore, that it’s going to run off and become linearly independent.  V-two is never going to come home from work one day and tell v-one, ‘you know what?  I think I need my own vector space.  See ya.’  And then v-one’s dad has to come in and tell her, ‘no, you can’t let v-two do that.  You-you got to go get v-two back,’ an impermanent solution, because v-one’s dad is not gonna be around forever to solve all of v-one’s problems.  Write that down.” — Abe Weissman

Rose Weissman, Amazon Video, Amazon Studios, Dorothy Parker Drank Here Productions, Picrow, Marin HinkleRose Weissman

“In Katheryn Hepburn’s old room.  Miriam.  Excuse me.  We have a problem.  Rabbi, she’s kidding.” — Rose Weissman

“Did you get coffee?  Men.  We need to talk about the baby.  That forehead is not improving.  It’s getting bigger.  The whole face will be out of proportion.  The nose is not the problem.  The nose you can fix.  But this gigantic forehead.  I’m just afraid she’s not a very pretty girl.  I just want her to be happy.  It’s easier to be happy when you’re pretty.  You’re right.  Bangs will help.  How did Joel’s little show go?  I still don’t understand this whole thing.  Whom is he performing for?  And they pay you?  If you need money, we can give you money.  How long are you going to be doing this, running around at night, taking money from strangers like a schnorrer?  Six to nine more months left on those arms.  Forget the cans.  Buy a bolero.  Is everything ordered for next week?  I thought we’d do dinner at your place.  Your dining room’s bigger than ours.  If you don’t entertain, it’s fine.” — Rose Weissman

“I’m here.  My God.  What are you wearing?  It’s not thinning.  Joel left you?  Why?  What did you do?  Did you know this?  Did you know he was having an affair?  The girl, is she– oh, my God.  Is she pregnant?  Did you talk like that around him?  Did you use sailor talk?  A man doesn’t leave unless the girlfriend is pregnant.  He’s mad.  Shh.  They’ll hear.  Them.  Them.  Oh, shit!  Oh, no!  Joel’s sick.  Everything’s fine.  Not a word of this to the rabbi.  I’m going to take a bath.” — Rose Weissman

“I failed her.  I failed her somehow.  My whole family, everyone’s married.  Abe’s family, everyone’s married.  I should’ve sent her to Paris.  My mother sent me to Paris.” — Rose Weissman

Joel Maisel, Amazon Video, Amazon Studios, Dorothy Parker Drank Here Productions, Picrow, Michael ZegenJoel Maisel

“Joel.  Joel Maisel.  This is the guy I wanted you to see.  Best buildup since Iceman Cometh.  Please don’t say a virgin.  Oh, great, but not now, though.  Mm-mm.” — Joel Maisel

“You tell everyone about the rabbi?  I believe something got sold today.  How’s the brisket?  Good.  We’ll need it.  I got a terrible stage time for tonight: 1:45.  I bowed out of my lunch meeting and got downtown as quickly as I could.  But that guy who runs the Gaslight– fine.  Baz still gave me the crappiest time.  He hates me.  He doesn’t see me as a real comedian.  I mean, I’m not a real comedian yet, but if he’d just give me a better time– 1:45.  No one is there at 1:45.  I don’t know what I’d do without you.  Bye.” — Joel Maisel

“So the waiter says, ‘Fine.  I’ll try it.’  He looks at the bowl and says ‘Where the hell is the spoon?’  And the customer says ‘aha.’  No spoon.  Uh-huh.  Penny, can you walk Mitchell down to Al’s office?  Al can take you through the specs.  Oi.  I sent him over to Al’s office.  He’s fine.  Midge will be here any minute.  All right, all right.  Very amusing.  Can I use that?  Why’d you have him wait?  We could have taken another cab.  Next week.  Why not?  Good night, Penny.  Yeah, it won’t be at 1:45.  You’re kidding.  I should be kissing the brisket.” — Joel Maisel

“Thanks a lot.  So many of you may have read the book The Hidden Persuaders.  It’s about Madison Avenue’s marketing men and how they create the public personas we all learn to know and trust and vote for.  Well, what if, during the Civil War, there was no Lincoln?  What if they had to create him?  This is a telephone conversation between Abe Lincoln and his press agent just before Gettysburg.  Hi, Abe, sweetheart.  How are you, kid?  How’s Gettysburg?  Sort of a drag, huh?  Well, Abe, you know them small Pennsylvania towns– you seen one, you seen them all.  What’s the problem?  You’re thinking of shaving it off?  Uh, Abe, don’t you see that’s part of the image?  Right, with the shawl and the stove pipe hat and the string tie.  You don’t have the shawl?  Where’s the shawl, Abe?  You left it in Washington?  What are you wearing, Abe?  A sort of cardigan?  Abe, don’t you see that doesn’t go with the string tie and beard?  Abe, would you leave the beard on and get the shawl, huh?  All right, now, Abe, you got your speech, right?  Abe, you haven’t changed the speech, have you?” — Joel Maisel

“$3.30 and one subway token.  Tonight was great.  I killed.  I had a good time, so I killed.  I need an audience.  I feed off an audience.  I finished, people started to leave.  Did you see that?  10:30.  Perfect slot.  Give me that slot again next time.  Who’s that guy?  Heh heh.  Only in the Village.  Taxi!  Hmm?  I was great.  Good night, Gracie.” — Joel Maisel

“Hey.  Good morning.  It sure did.  You never do.” — Joel Maisel

“I’m sure it’s fine.  Did we have children?  Hi, Imogene.  Don’t expect too much.  Bye.  Ah, the curry’s terrible.  We’ll have the takeout.  What?  Midge, relax.  No.  It’s his act.  Are you gonna put the rest of this on a platter?  I’ve got his record.  It’s fine.  Everybody does it.  Yes.  No.  Not steals.  Borrows.  It’s not big deal.  Everybody in comedy steals– borrows.  Borrows everybody else’s jokes, especially at the beginning.  Bob Newhart probably used Henny Youngman’s stuff when he started.  It’s how it’s done.  It is.  Well, I did put my spin on it.  And my inflection is different.  You’ll learn.  You want a drink?” — Joel Maisel

“How’s the brisket?  Is it okay?  Just answer the question, Midge.  I had to work straight through lunch, so I couldn’t go downtown to get a time for tonight.  Tonight, you understand?  Archie and Imogene are coming, remember?  They’re coming tonight, and  don’t have a time.  You know what?  Cancel them.  Tell them I’m sick.  I should have changed that lunch, damn it.  Okay.  Right.  Well, you’ll have to bring me my show sweater.  I left it at home.  And you have to be here right at 8.  Okay.  I should go.” — Joel Maisel

“Where the hell have you been?  It’s 8:30.  Go.  Go, go.  Do you have my sweater?  You get here at 8, you come up.  Are you kidding me?  holes.  Holes everywhere.  I can’t believe you didn’t look at it before you left the house.  Hardly see?  Look, look.  A hole here, a hole here, two holes here.  I mean, how does this happen?  A moth?  What moth?  You think this is funny?  Going on stage with holes in my shirt like a bum.” — Joel Maisel

“About what?  I don’t know.  Oh, great.  They’re here.  Yeah, fine.  Hurry.  Everyone here looks like Allen Ginsberg.  Don’t go in the bathroom.  Oh.  I’m not a starving artist.  So?  What did he say?  When the hell am I going on?  We got to head home, too.  I have an early morning meeting.  What?  What did he say?” — Joel Maisel

“Thank you.  Thanks a lot.  So… my sweater… it’s a new sweater, but I asked my wife to bring it to me because I work during the day, so she does, and I put it on.  Holes.  Holes in my sweater.  So I asked, ‘how did this happen?’  And she says ‘moths.’  And I’m like, ‘moths?  What moths?’  And she says ‘Ted.’  ‘Ted the moth.’  Th-that was just– that was just something that, uh… happened.  Okay.  So, uh, uh… anyhow, this is, uh, a press agent talking to Abe Lincoln.  Hi, Abe, sweetheart.  How’s Gettys– sorry.  Did– did any of you read the book The Hidden Persuaders?  It’s about marketing agents, and they had to create Abe Lincoln.  I mean, if they had to create Abe Lincoln.  The book’s not about that.  Uh… this– this bit– anyhow– hi, Abe, sweetheart.  How’s Gettysburg?  Kind of a drag, huh?  Well, Abe, you know them small Pennsylvania towns– you seen one, you seen them all.  What’s the problem?  You’re thinking of shaving it off?  Uh, Abe, don’t you see?  That’s, uh– that doesn’t go with the string tie and b– don’t you see that’s part of the image?  Right, with the shawl and the stove pipe hate and the string tie.” — Joel Maisel

“You told me to talk about my sweater.  Don’t.  I have to go.  I have to leave.  You.  I have to leave you.  It is?  I’m– I’m– I’m not happy.  I don’t know how to do this.  I’m not good at things like this.  Yes.  Midge– yeah.  I know he is.  I should go.  I thought my life was going to be something different.  I thought I was going to be someone different, but tonight was just so terrible.  I mean, a whole room full of people just watching me bomb.  And I’m up there dying, and I’m thinking about last week.  We’re in temple, and the rabbi tells that stupid Sodom and Gomorrah joke, and suddenly the whole synagogue goes nuts.  He got more laughs in five minutes than I did in five months.  Did you ever think you were supposed to be something, and, uh, and you suddenly realize you’re not?  That’s good.  You’re good.  I’m never going to be a professional comedian, Midge.  Never.  What do you mean, of course not?  What did you think all those nights at the club were?  I can’t believe this.  Of course I was serious, Miriam.  What the hell ever made you think I wasn’t serious?  I told you, everybody does that when they start.  I tried with the Ted thing.  And it bombed.  Oh, forget it.  Yet the comedy was a dream.  Do you know what a dream is?  A dream is what keeps you going in a job you hate.  Do you know what I do, Midge?  No, no, no, no.  Do you know what I do every day?  Day in and day out, what the actual physical machinations of my job are?  Neither do I!  I take meetings.  I take phone calls.  I shuffle paper around, and I have no idea of what the hell I actually do.  I just thought, with the brisket and the notebook, I thought you understood.  Yeah.  Me, too.  I have to go.  I’ve been having an affair.  It’s been going on for months.  I thought it was a phase, but now– Penny.  It’s not about her, and it was a new a sharpener.  Don’t you understand?  I need to start over.  It’s not a contest.  I just don’t want this life, this whole upper West Side, classic sic, best seats in temple.  I just don’t… want it.  So you’ll tell your parents for me?  Honey– I’m sorry.” — Joel Maisel

“Midge and I are splitting up.  That’s why dinner’s cancelled.  We split up… last night.  Who?  Oh, no, no, no, no.  It’s not like that.  No!  No.  It didn’t work.  It’s nobody’s fault.  Sometimes these things happen, okay?  People with the best of intentions just grow apart.  That’s all.  Just wanted you to know.” — Joel Maisel

Imogene Cleary, Amazon Video, Amazon Studios, Dorothy Parker Drank Here Productions, Picrow, Bailey De YoungImogene Cleary

“She’s going on and on about this miracle treatment she had done in Mexico.  It involved goat’s milk and avocadoes.  They smear it on your face, wrap a hot towel around your head, and stick two straws up your nose.  So you can breathe through the straws.  Then they put you on a boat and row you out to sea– and they drop the anchor, and you sit there for four hours.  Then they row you back in– and they scrape you down– …slap you in the face with old banana skins– …charge you $75, and send you home.  She thinks she looks 20.  I think she looks the same.  God, you are so proportional.  How long have you been measuring yourself like this?  Even when you were pregnant?  There’s not enough daiquiris in the world.  Hey, Joel.  Did you hear we’re coming downtown to see you tomorrow night?  We haven’t been below 14th in months.  We’re very excited.  Oh, you’d better be great.  I’m going to wear a beret.  See you tomorrow.  Mwah.  Goodbye, Joel.” — Imogene Cleary

“This place is perfectly filthy.  Well, now I’m definitely going in the bathroom.  Oh, it was a blast, though.  Oh, goodie.  That’s you.  Go.  Be funny.  So exciting.  He’s very avant garde.” — Imogene Cleary

Lenny Bruce, Amazon Video, Amazon Studios, Dorothy Parker Drank Here Productions, Picrow, Luke KirbyLenny Bruce

“Thank you.  And so I was reading the paper, and, uh, there was a story.  These kids– uh, 8- and 9-year-old– were sniffing airplane glue to get high on.  These kids are responsible for turning musicians on to a lot of things they never knew about, actually.  Then I had a fantasy of how it happened.  The kid is alone in his room.  It’s Saturday.  The kid is played by George Macready.” — Lenny Bruce

“Well, let’s see now.  I’m all alone in a room, and it’s Saturday.  I’ll make an airplane.  That’s what I’ll do.  I’ll make a Lancaster.  Good structural design.  I’ll get the balsa wood here.  I’ll cut it out.  I’ll sand it down.  And a little airplane glue.  I’ll rub it on a rag and, uh– hey now.  I’m getting loaded.” — Lenny Bruce

“Hey.  You guys ever gonna tale a broom to this place?  We’ve already got penicillin.  You don’t need to grow it.  I had three joints in my wallet.  I expect to find them all there.  Huh.  If you guys have some coke back there, we could have a hell of a party.  You’re not my wife.  I thought my wife bailed me out.  Uh-huh.  Oh.  Thanks.  Uh, sure.  Do I love what?  Seriously?  Well, I’ve been doing it a while.  Okay, let’s put it like this.  If there was anything else in the entire world that I could possibly do to earn a living, I would.  Anything.  I’m talking dry cleaners to the Klan, crippled kid portrait painter, slaughterhouse attendant.  If someone said to me, ‘Leonard, you can either eat a guy’s head or do two weeks at the Copa,’ I’d say ‘pass the fucking salt.’  It’s a terrible, terrible job.  It should not exist, like cancer and God.  Why the hell would you do that?  Jesus, Honey, you don’t get to pick.” — Lenny Bruce

Sophie Lennon, Amazon Video, Amazon Studios, Dorothy Parker Drank Here Productions, Picrow, Jane Lynch

Sophie Lennon

“They have dicks.  Do you have a dick?  Darling, look at you.  I mean, really– men don’t want to laugh at you.  They want to fuck you.  You can’t go up there and be a woman.  You’ve got to be a thing.  You want to get ahead in comedy?  Cover up that hole.  You’re learning.” — Sophie Lennon

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