How to (Not) Annoy Your Partner

[Dr. Lovegood]

We can all annoy our partners without help. That's exactly part of the problem. Without thinking about it, we naturally annoy our partners. The key is to evaluate how we annoy them to figure out ways of getting along which will make both of us happy. Once we understand what is really annoying our partners, (which is often not what they say is annoying them), we can get a better idea of how to modify our behavior without becoming someone different.

Article #1: Guardians http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/lz81.asp

[Quinta]

According to this, I may annoy my dear one this way:

If your partner is an Idealist, you'll share the love of envisioning the future, but you'll be more interested in ideas and theories and they will be more interested in what is happening with people. You are likely to annoy them if you:

•Ignore their visions of how to make life better for the people around you
•Complain that they lack objectivity and are too influenced by others
•Ignore their warnings about potential people-problems
•Ignore their needs for renewing their romantic attachment to you

The part about complaining over lack of objectivity and being too influenced makes me think about all the times I've tried to counter negative views of self that come from comparison with outside values in society. It's probably not helpful at all.

How can one counter negative views of self in a Conciliator? By not trying to counter them?.. Maybe just by mirroring: "I hear you say ...."

[AngelaRak]

I'm going to guess mirroring is a great way. I know it would help me a lot.

Let's get Earl, Goodrum, Jack Dermody and Jango's thoughts on this!

[Goodrum]

Quinta:

How can one counter negative views of self in a Conciliator? By not trying to counter them?.. Maybe just by mirroring: "I hear you say ...."

My self esteem is pretty healthy, I would like to know why he feels that way, a particular way about himself? What's behind that, what is driving it? What is feeding it?

Sometimes people can get this perception of themselves and play it, over and over...they can imprint themselves on this and actually believe it, reinforce it, practicing non best practices.

There is this thing, in my heart, my mind it plays, but not so much as words in my head but feelings of-like self affirmations:

"I have a creative and capable mind that can deal with many issues/ideas/challenges"

"The things I love and am comfortable about me are ..........---->------>"

"Wonderment in universe and the credulous"

"I love and appreciate so many things I am, I have, I do in my life."

"Life is fun."

That's just a few...it kind of plays out within me, I would like to know what is playing within him. What are his sound bytes? And he has total control over those.

[Quinta]

Thank you Goodrum, maybe I should let him read it, himself, IF he wishes.

Yes, he has control of those inner scripts, but I don't . I just want to stop annoying him.

Another thing I can do, is use humor. He likes that. He has some bittersweet sense of humor.

[stellarrenegade]

Hey, why don't you bring him here!?

OMG, I found these apply amazingly to other kinds of relationships as well!!!:

Carp about their past mistakes—as if they could never change

Yes! That's the number one thing that will always make me angry. Amazing how accurate that is. I feel like somebody's been watching me.

Korin’s husband is an Artisan and she is a Guardian. She used to constantly nag her husband to do chores. He'd always say he'd get around to it, but then he'd forget, something else would come up, and so on. She found it very frustrating. She knew he liked competition, so she decided to try and make a game out of weeding. She challenged him to a weeding duel. He took her up on it, won handily, and loved it. She made sure she admired his grace, speed, and rugged good looks. When she applied the same idea to vacuuming, it didn't work so well. He finished faster, but the floors weren't as clean. She revised the game so that each of them checked the other's area and took points off for every piece of dirt/litter/etc. they found. She was pleased to see he was still motivated and surprised to see that he actually found places she had missed cleaning.

Haha, that is so me.

These articles are really helpful! Thanks, Dr. LoveGood, you sexy beast!

[Quinta]

Stellar wrote:

Hey, why don't you bring him here!?

I don't think so. That must be his choice, if he wants to join. Otherwise this might also turn into yet another Pygmalion project..

As for myself. Patience when I am learning something would be appreciated. I wonder how I can communicate that it's a good thing for me to get intensely involved when learning things. . How could I let him see that it means so much to me to talk about it to him? And that it's not just another "hangup"

[Goodrum]

Quinta:

As for myself. Patience when I am learning something would be appreciated. I wonder how I can communicate that it's a good thing for me to get intensely involved when learning things. . How could I let him see that it means so much to me to talk about it to him? And that it's not just another "hangup"

What you just said, described, I can see that. Intensity in learning, I'm thinking rationals might share a bit of the intensity thing with idealists.
I don't see it as foreign or a wedge...I see it as good fun.
I have found trying to share it, talk about it can ummm, receive limited response(s). Enthusiasm. It is a "pick your moment" opportunity. That is something I miss, maybe hence nestled into this forum a little. It serves a need.

I don't like being micro managed, and social activities, all the social stuff, is seriously exhausting.

[stellarrenegade]

I don't think so. That must be his choice, if he wants to join. Otherwise this might also turn into yet another Pygmalion project..

Ah, but there is the power of suggestion!

I seem to remember us discussing this before, though.

[Earl]

The part about complaining over lack of objectivity and being too influenced makes me think about all the times I've tried to counter negative views of self that come from comparison with outside values in society. It's probably not helpful at all.

How can one counter negative views of self in a Conciliator? By not trying to counter them?.. Maybe just by mirroring: "I hear you say ...."

Do not mirror everything he says. All you are doing then is feeding those (negitive) mental scrips Goodrum talked about. On the other hand don't try to tell him that those outside views of society arn't important, do it a bit, but not too much. Play by his own rules, if he say's he's a flake, bring up times he came through. If he says he's an idiot, show him something he got right. Never tell him that his expectations are faulty, just that he's living up to those expectations. If you have to, engineer a situation over the next week or so that will show him how great he is in whatever area he was complaining about, and then compliment him profusly. He will try to tell you it was nothing, (now is not the time for an understatement) when he does tell him he's being modest and that it truly was amazing what he did.
Always always keep the focus on your love for him, on his love for others and on his most recient acomplishment. Don't really try to solve the problem, but show him that you and others care. You will embarress him, he may even ask you to stop. Don't. If you do not stop all it will say to him is that you care so much, and think he is so great, that you cannot hold it in. Keep in consistant, and over time, he will come to believe himself the amazing person you already know he is.