Communication and Understand: The 4 Languages of Temperament

[kipparent]

http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/lz54.asp

Just because two people speak the same language doesn't mean they can communicate. Being able to repeat what the other party has said doesn't ensure communication. Even if one person can clearly articulate the other's beliefs, that does not mean that the two people have come to a common understanding.

[bookworm]

Close on the Guardian way of communicating a compliment! My favorite Guardian husband response to my soliciting a response to a new haircut: "I liked it better the way it was before." After hearing this a handful of times, I was mystified - he never actually complimented any hairstyle I had at any time. Finally, I realized that Guardians, putting the past on a pedestal as they do, always experience the present as a falling-away. They see compliments as for the most part, unjustified. I don't agree so I have quit soliciting his opinion - as a Rational, it was easy from me to realize that I don't NEED it. I choose my own hairstyle and clothing - and I make my own life choices. He feels hurt that I don't ask his opinion (after all, wives are SUPPOSED to ask their husbands what they think) but its hard to bother with something so stupidly unproductive.

For anyone (perhaps another Guardian?) who is still trying to win compliments from a Guardian, here are some ideas I have come up with:

1) Wear anything he or she has said anything nice about before - even if it's now poorly fitted, out of style or tacky. Wear anything he or she gives you - even if it's poorly fitted, out of style or tacky
2) Cook anything he or she has said anything nice about before - but DON'T CHANGE A SINGLE THING! And NEVER cook anything his or her mother used to cook - even if you don't change a thing, it still won't taste the same
3) Hold an imaginary conversation with yourself, and imagine the nice things that he or she will say about you at your funeral

Guardians out there - if there is any way I can help my husband learn to give a compliment - can you clue me in? I would love to receive some (I know it would be better for our relationship) but even my imaginative powers have run low here, and I am ENTP! Also, if you are a Rational, how do you learn to squeeze out of the Guardian communication repetoire the satisfaction of being positively evaluated? Thanks!

[Goodrum]

Bookworm, that is my partner you have just described...and the information about their communication style, ie past tense stuff, is spot on. I nicknamed him the History Professor and Time Machine.

He has some nicknames for me too.

I understand what you are going through.

[monicake]

Being an idealist, I would talk to him and tell him how I feel. He will probably realize what he's been doing and try to compliment you more. Just don't accuse him or anything just be honest and open

[0u812]

Wow. I am more concerned for you. As a Rational, your words resonate loud and clear.

1.) Close on the Guardian way of communicating a compliment! My favorite Guardian husband response to my soliciting a response to a new haircut: "I liked it better the way it was before."

And then

2.) after all, wives are SUPPOSED to ask their husbands what they think

These statements speak more of YOUR dissatisfaction in general. I am assuming that this a pattern with you, which would be exhausting, even to you. I bet you use to just ask him what he thought, instead of playing a game of passive aggression. Which would be a Rational way of communicating. Direct, to the point. Second the social disdain reflected in "after all, wives are SUPPOSED to ask their husbands what they think" says out loud, you're passing blame, instead of accepting responsibility for your own insecurities. I don't even know you, I am put off by both. And I AM a Rational - ENTJ. If you really want honesty/change, start with yourself. If you are a Rational (and I say this because many people idealize who they want to be.... instead of who they really are...LIE) then you would have read your own condemning words. Think about it.

Wives are responsible for what their husbands do/think, it is their responsibility to society. Your job is to know what makes him tick. It IS what your role is as a multitask er. Not the other way around. Refusing to address YOUR issues, must be taxing, to him as it would be to you. I am sure if the roles were reversed. YOU cannot be mad at anyone for not loving you in the way YOU think they should..... We must first love ourselves before we can recognize the love from others. LOVE IS NOT SELFISH. By fishing for a compliment, by assuming Magically you will get a different response out of the blue, is in fact IRRATIONAL. I am sure he does compliment you. Just in his way. This honest type of communication is what you want....but yet....its not good enough. By not being consistent, you are really saying that you are not loving him.

This says to me, you are NOT happy with yourself. When we are happy with ourselves, we are less critical of others. I mean EXACTLY this, HAPPY. Not happy for a moment, or had a good day. That's what an Idealist would say. I MEAN happiness is your responsibility, if you want a different response from your husband, start with YOU. I guarantee you will get it, (just threw your interpretation of his intent alone, without a moment of complaining to him one bit) and this self-deprecation, just might end.

Now that would really bum you out, huh?!!

Suggestion....Change YOUR IDEALS, and GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD.

A true Rational

[ShayShay]

This part is great. It shows that while NFs and NTs are abstract, we're VERY opposite...

The point of this is that knowing a person's temperament can help you interpret their words. If an Idealist Champion says, "You are so smart!" it means something different than if a Rational Architect says the same thing. The Champion would be encouraging you while the Architect would be saying that they are impressed with your knowledge or intellect.

[Jimi]

So Ou812, are you suggesting that she be more rational?

EVERY woman I have ever met/dated needed emotional validation. Every single one of them, for like, the rest of their lives.

It's just mother nature. Nothing wrong with it, that's just the way things are.

All you can do is find a woman (if you're a man) who's need for validation isn't greater than your patience to deal with it. As the man, if your patience can't handle it, your woman might be "high maintainence", as they say. Or you as the man maybe the one with a lack of patience.

Since we're only getting a one-sided account of her life, I'd be inclined to take the whole situation as described with a grain of salt. It's like radio call-in shows. I always get frustrated by them as more often than not the host (or, as in this case, this board's readership) is left to make a judgment call based on limited data. In this situation how do we not know the husband is really some horrible cad? Or that Mrs. Bookworm is schizophrenic? The mind reels...

Based simply on what I've read from Mrs. Bookworm that hardly seems to be the case. Your response sure makes it out to sound as if she is, based on my interpretation.

Don't get me wrong, I think most women ARE irrational, lmao. But then so are most men. Until the genders open up to the real reasons why they do what they do this conversation will be never ending.

And I believe there was some entry or entries on the Personality Zone that talked about "arguing with a Rational" or "arguing with a Guardian". Those articles might give food for thought as how to make him understand your woman's perspective from his Guardian's vantage point. You'll have to look for them, I can't remember where they are at and I need to get back to work, sigh...

[lutra]

Hey OU812, don't bogart whatever that is you're smoking, share it around, man...

And when you're no longer stoned, maybe post a real reply to Bookworm that includes an apology? There's no such thing as a "real rational" - your post sounds more like a guardian who also happens to be a judgemental and intolerant person. The rationals I know are pretty open to all possibilities, such as people having individual traits and personalities, not fitting one rigid idea of "rational" as you seem to believe. That's one of the key features all rationals share, no matter their sub-type.

And I know where you got your alias. I was working in a record store putting myself through college when that CD came out.

Bookworm, you sound pretty grounded. As you said, you don't *need* the compliments, but you know what? Once you're treated that way, you find it's pretty nice, so there's nothing wrong with asking other Guardians for suggestions on how to communicate your needs better to your husband. That's a sign that you care, to want to communicate more effectively with your partner. You never know when you may need to use those skills in matters more critical than just getting a nice comment from him every now and then. Sorry I can't help you with advice since as far as I'm concerned, Rationals are from Mars, Guardians are from Venus, but good luck.

Otter

[Earl]

This says to me, you are NOT happy with yourself. When we are happy with ourselves, we are less critical of others. I mean EXACTLY this, HAPPY. Not happy for a moment, or had a good day. That's what an Idealist would say. I MEAN happiness is your responsibility.

Allow me to take offense at this part. That is all.

[Architron]

Lol @ Lutra. You are quite the funny.

In addition, I will add a few pennies of mine.

With KTT well under my belt, I think I have the ability to "communicate" well enough with all temperaments (granted I know what they are, so I know what to expect). The question then, I suppose, is whether communication with some people on some grounds is worth the patience that it will demand from me.

EXAMPLE: A Guardian Supervisor boss. If I ever have one, I had better love my job, because it seems like that relationship will take a hefty amount of teeth scraping on my part. BUT THEN AGAIN: if the other party is also familiar with KTT, perhaps things would be a bit easier. Then we may come to a mutual understanding with minimum hair-ripping and nail-biting from both parties. [---> growth (efficiency) which is good.]