“I’m James. I’m 17. And I’m pretty sure I’m a psychopath. I was eight when I realized I didn’t have a sense of humor. I’d always wanted to punch my dad in the face. When I was nine, he bought a deep-fat fryer. He saw it on an American shopping channel. One day, I put my hand in it. I wanted to make myself feel something. When I was 15, I put my neighbor’s cat in a box and took it into the woods. It probably had a name. After that, I killed more animals. And I remember every single one. School was beneath me, but it was a good place for observation and selection because I had a plan. I was gonna kill something bigger, much bigger.” — James
“Hey. Fuck off. Alyssa was new. She’d started that term. I thought she could be interesting to kill. So I pretended to fall in love with her. Shut up. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. I don’t have a phone either. Yeah. I hate them. I knew that people in love went out on dates. Do you wanna go on a date? With me. She said yes. Uh… it seemed that Alyssa had some issues. Yeah, maybe. Well, they’ve got money. They feel safe. No. Her? Really? Yeah, sure. I don’t know. Maybe. Yeah. She lives in Japan. I don’t like it. I just don’t. Alyssa was kind of a nymphomaniac. Huh? Oh, no.” — James
“I actually masturbated once a week for medical purposes. I knew it wasn’t good to let things build up. Yeah, I know. Sometimes, I feel like punching him in the face. It was important to be confident in moments like this. Yeah. A few. Now?” — James
“I was ready at 11. Actually, I was ready at ten. It was important to work out the exact logistics beforehand. When I got to 12, I started to think she might not be coming.” — James
“I wondered if it’d be easier to slit her throat if I flipped her round. Whether it would be better not to see her face, but then, the angle. It was a conundrum. What? What? It’s my dad’s. I figured… I wasn’t in a rush. Yeah, all right. I didn’t know where we were going, or when I was gonna kill her, but I punched my dad in the face and stole his car. And that felt like a good place to start.” — James
“I dunno. A bit, maybe. She probably should have been. Things didn’t always go entirely to plan on my journey with Alyssa. Do you think it’s going to explode? I kept wondering what kind of sound she’d make when I killed her. I needed to find somewhere quiet. What? Seat belt. I dunno. Ironically, I was not in my element. What? Sorry. Alyssa was really good at annoying people. What? He won’t. Yeah. He’ll think I’m coming home soon. And he’s a prick and everything, but he’s pretty optimistic. What? Ok. Didn’t you? That was all your money. What are we going to do? Whose rule is that? What man? Showing willing was the best approach with Alyssa. No. Fuck seat belts. I had her right where I wanted her. What, now? Erm, ok…. I had to go along with it. Should… should we stop? But I wasn’t sure sex was something you could just go along with, especially not as a man. Stop! I think I’m stuck. Shit. Why are you laughing? My dad loves this car. It’s the most expensive thing he’s ever bought. Where are you going? I might be able to fix it. We can’t just leave it. What should we do? Do you wanna go home? No, I don’t want to. I was just asking… but… so what do you want to do? I couldn’t have done it there. The car would’ve linked me to the crime. Why is no one stopping?” — James
“Hi. Yeah. Thanks. Come on. Come on! Alyssa was starting to test my patience. That your dog? Yeah. What’s that? They expensive? You were in the army? Cool. Well, we haven’t done anything. My mum’s dead, actually. So? What? He’s all right. What? Thanks. No. Sorry. Oh… yeah, she can be. Yeah. Maybe. What was it like? In the army? Did you kill people? How many? I’d have definitely kept count. I’m gonna go to the… toilet. Sometimes, I just… let things happen. Even though I didn’t want them to. I’m not sure why. No. I’m not. I’m not gay. He put my hand there. Yeah. Yeah. No. Ok. Where are you going? You all right? Ok. Can I turn it off? I don’t want to. What? I want you. Yeah. Ok. Yeah?” — James
“Could get a train to your dad’s. Well, shall we? Get a train to your dad’s? Are we still going there? Why? He assaulted me. Isn’t your dad’s off-grid? What? I’m not. Holy shit. How do you know? That this one’s safe. Is breaking and entering the best way of lying low? Think that’s him. The guy that lives here. He’s a professor. Alyssa didn’t have much respect for people. Or people’s stuff. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Ok. Are you hungry? Taught myself. It was that or type two diabetes. As a rule, I didn’t dance, but it was hard to say no to Alyssa. What? Huh. Um, stop. Please, could you stop. He was putting me off. I do. I did. Alyssa! I tended not to feel things. For a long time, I was good at it. Good at feeling absolutely nothing. I didn’t even have to try. I just… didn’t.” — James
“Being with Alyssa had started to make me feel things. She made me feel things. And I didn’t like it at all. Alyssa had thrown me a curveball. I had to bide my time. So I decided to have a look around. Shit. Right, yeah. I’ll tell her. Alyssa? I waited until she fell asleep. When here eyes were closed… Alyssa looked a lot less angry. Are you a virgin? Me too.” — James
“I’ve just turned 18. And I think I understand… …what people mean to each other.” — James
Phil
“Why doesn’t the queen wave with this hand? Eh? Why doesn’t the queen wave with this hand? ‘Cause it’s my hand!” — Phil
“The hunter has returned! Cheers! Well, this is nice. This. You two. Eh? What a relief! I tell you what. I’ve never been sure if he even, you know… I always thought there was something wrong with him! I thought possibly he was gay. Which is… that’s fine. Like… obviously. But, uh, here you are.” — Phil
“It’s ok for women. They can just lie back, think of England. Us men, we have to be England.” — Phil
“Police, please.” — Phil
Alyssa
Alyssa and her friend James grow weary of their redundant adolescent lives and take a road trip in rural southern England.
“I’ve seen you skating. You’re pretty shit.” — Alyssa
“I get these moments when I have to lie down because everything feels sort of, too much. And I look up and see the blue or the grey or the black and I feel myself melting into it. And for, like, a split second, I feel free and happy. Innocent. Like a dog. Or an alien. Or a baby.” — Alyssa
“What are you talking like Downton Abbey? My mum used to be nice, but then she divorced my dad and met… Tony. Last week, he said he thought I needed a bigger bra. So I threw a Chicken Kiev at his head. Mum pretended that she hadn’t heard him. Now she has the perfect house and the perfect garden in the perfect neighborhood… with perfect twins. Well… their heads do smell nice, though. It’s true. I haven’t seen my dad since I was eight. He never fitted in. He couldn’t settle. So he had to leave. I don’t blame him. But he sends me a card, without fail, every single birthday. I understand, actually. I don’t trust people who fit in.” — Alyssa
“Is this from you? What the fuck? I’m here. I’m literally here.” — Alyssa
“I’m not saying he’s the answer, but he’s something. I haven’t. Are you waiting for me? What happened to your hand? I haven’t got a phone. I smashed it. Like, on purpose. So you can’t call me. Really?” — Alyssa
“Is this true? I will have a… banana split with extra cherries. Some blueberry pancakes. And a hot chocolate with cream. And an extra fucking spoon. For him. Ok. Ok, I’m sorry. Sorry. I will have… a great big banana shit with extra fucking cherries all on top of it. Oh, yeah! Go get Marvin! See if Marvin can make a banana split for me, you fucking cunt! Bye, Marvin!” — Alyssa
“I think that we live in the most boring town on the planet. Everyone’s so fucking square. Are you boring, too? She’s the only cool person in this town. Yeah. She’s done stuff. She was probably a spy and had, like, 15 abortions when it was illegal or something. She’s lived. Whatever. Can we go to your house? Why do you live in such a weird house? There’s too many windows. Is that your mum? Cool. You look like her. This is pretty retro. Why not? What? What is? Maybe I’m gay. Maybe he’s asexual. We’re dealing with a really broad spectrum these days.” — Alyssa
“Your dad’s a prick. You should definitely do that. Have you ever eaten a pussy before? I want you to eat mine. Tomorrow. I’ll be here at 11.” — Alyssa
“Sometimes I worry that I ruin things. But I feel… I dunno. I feel comfortable with him. Sort of safe. What? What? No way, I told you. I’m going out. Mum, there’s no way! Go away. Thanks, Tone. Your life is bullshit.” — Alyssa
“Sometimes, everything is suddenly really simple. It’s like everything shifts in a moment. And you step out of your body, out of your life. You step out and you see where you are really clearly. You see yourself. And you think… fuck. This. Shit.” — Alyssa
“James! I think being angry and sad at the same time really turns me on. Come here. I think I could fall in love with him. Also… he has a car. Let’s get out of here. I’m serious. Let’s leave this shithole town. Now. You hate it. I hate it. Our parents are dickheads. You’ve got a car. Who’s a dickhead. I’m going, whether you come with me or not. Are you in? Please say yes.” — Alyssa
“Are you scared? I’m not. It’s not a film. If this was a film, we’d probably be American. Whoo! Yeah! Guess what freedom smells like? Cow shit. Fuck seat belts. So what do you wanna do? Because we can literally do anything, James. Anything we want. Gun! Gun! Gun! Come on! This is shit! Sometimes, I look at him and I think, ‘are yo a bit dead?’ Put your tongue in my ear. I like it. Thank God I smashed my phone. I bet my mum’s been calling nonstop. Stupid bitch. How long till your dad calls the police? About the car. Really? What? I like food. My mum says that is food were her boyfriend, she’d be in an abusive relationship. She says it like it’s a joke, but it’s not. What? Did you bring money with you? Yeah. I just spent it at Laserkill. I didn’t have to pay for you. I was being fucking polite, actually. Well, it’s just food. And we haven’t eaten all of it. You haven’t. The only rule with these things is that you never steal from a small or independent business. My dad’s. He’s basically Robin Hood. He breaks the law, but he’s really moral. ‘If it’s a chain, it’s free rein.’ Places like this are all run by the Man. ‘The Man’ man. The Man who, you know, owns all the oil, forces Chinese children to make smartphones and hates Palestine. Are you gonna be a pussy? Shit. Nice one. Seat belt! We should have sex. Yeah. Take your top off. No. Keep driving. What the fuck are we gonna do now? Come on. Well, we can’t drive it, can we? Do you reckon you can still fix it? Go home. Hang on. Does he want to go home? You saying you wanna go home? ‘Cause that’s fine, can if you want. I don’t wanna go home, James. I don’t want to go home. I don’t know! Why don’t you fucking think of something for once? Probably because you’ve got your tits out. I’m serious. No one stops for weirdos except other weirdos. And you look like a proper day release. I am gonna be so fucked off if we get murdered. I can’t believe he got in the front. Who said he’s my boyfriend? She’s fine. You know your car smells like feet.” — Alyssa
“I thought you said your mum was in Japan. So it’s a bit different from being dead, isn’t it? This guy’s a prick. He’s like, the worst kind of person. Why are you defending him? He’s a murderer. He was in the army. He’s murdered people. And now he’s buying a dog to murder other dogs with. Is that your family? Jack looks like a potato. Joke! He looks like a ham. He does, though, doesn’t he? You guys are so fucking boring. I’m bad at apologizing to people, but sometimes I know I should. What’s going on? Are you gay? It’s ok if you are. But you should not tell me if you are. So what are you doing? Where do you think you’re going? Gimme your wallet. Give me your wallet. Give me your wallet or I swear to fuck I’ll go visist Liz and Abi and your weird potato baby, and tell them what you like to do with teenage boys in toilets. I’ll tell the police, too. You know that if people wanna do stuff to you, you don’t have to let them. Do you? So why did you? Did something bad happen to you when you were small? I’m tired.” — Alyssa
“Yup. A double room with a double bed for double sex. I really need to cry. Do you wanna watch TV? Find some porn. Toilet. I’m going to the vending machine. Can I speak to my mum? Ok. Yeah. I can’t go home. Like, ever. You can. Do you want me? Do you want me, or do you just go along with things? I’m gonna go to my dad’s. You can come if you want. James? Will you cuddle me?” — Alyssa
“Hey. Sometimes, James feels like a boy I could love. Like, really love. Then, other times, he feels like a total fucking stranger. Fine. We robbed a bank. Keep the change. Maybe. What if he doesn’t want to see me? What? He probably won’t even recognize me. Yeah, obviously. We should lie low for a bit. Wait a couple of days before we start getting on any trains or anything. Because we robbed a guy, James. Doesn’t matter. We should go off-grid for a bit. Why are you so obsessed with my dad? He’s miles away. We need to find somewhere nearby. Somewhere nice. Could be like a mini break. Know what? No obvious burglar alarm. Dust everywhere, so no cleaner to worry about. Post. At least a week’s worth. Cool. Who? Yeah, obviously. Bit uptight, isn’t he? Whatever, it’s fucking weird having a photo of yourself. Hey. Look what I found. I sometimes wonder if I should just become an alcoholic. It means you’ve always got something to do. I reckon this’ll do. We can just chill here, plan our route, take our time. I’m trying to think what adults do in situations like this. Should we go downstairs and have a glass of wine? Always. Well, that wasn’t as shit as I expected. It was actually really nice. Thank you. How do you know how to cook? We should wash up.” — Alyssa
“Some people get embarrassed dancing. I don’t. I think it’s when I feel most myself. I get embarrassed talking. Well, after talking. When I realize I’ve said something stupid. We should do this naked. Something like that. Hey, close your eyes. Close your eyes. I promise I won’t look. I think he is properly beautiful. But he’ll never start anything, so… come here. Undo your belt. Whoever says all boys are obsessed with sex hasn’t met James. I really hope I’m not bad at this. Is this ok? What? I thought you said that you wanted me. Liar. Fuck you!” — Alyssa
“The world is fucking bleak. I guess I try and do things to forget that it is. Keep busy, keep blind. I thought that’s what me and James were doing. Hey. 17. Fuck off. I do, actually. My mum says it’s my secret weapon, which I think is kind of rude, but I see her point. Alyssa. What’s yours? What kind of a name is Topher? So, why can’t you just be called Chris, like a normal person? Do you have a girlfriend? Boyfriend? We’re squatting. James, this is Topher. And we’re going upstairs to have sex. What? Oh, for God’s sake! Come on, then! Thanks. It’s no good. It’s just no good. Thanks, James. I’m sorry. I changed my mind. I’m sorry, I’m not into this. Nope. Uh, yes, it is. Well, then, respect me changing my mind, and fuck off, please. I’ll bet. Go away. It feels like sex can go from something you want to do to a punishment, really fucking quickly.” — Alyssa
“It’s strange. A lot of the time you don’t register the important moments in your life as they happen. You only see that they were important when you look back.” — Alyssa
“Sometimes, I hate being a girl.” — Alyssa
“Sometimes you realize you had a thing keeping you going that might be a lie… when you actually really understand that, that the whole thing might have been a lie the whole time, it’s like you swallowed a stone. But not recently. You swallowed it years ago.” — Alyssa
“You shouldn’t just make people if you’re going to abandon them because they think they’ve done something wrong their whole lives.” — Alyssa
Gwen
“Your presence is require,d young lady. Just get inside and help.” — Gwen
“Lyssa. Alyssa. Put these on and come downstairs. The party. I am not having this argument again, Alyssa. Please, love. I want you to be there. For me. Right. Those aren’t for you. Hand them round. Hiya!” — Gwen
Tony
“All right? Here. Have a beer. Chill out. This is a load of bullshit. Oh, well, if you hate it so much… leave. I’m serious. Do us all a favor. You look good when you make effort, don’t you?” — Tony
“Hello? Hello? Is that you, Alyssa? It is you, innit? She doesn’t wanna speak to you. Mmm. It’s good.” — Tony
Sometimes everything is suddenly really simple, You step out and you see where you are really clearly. You see yourself, and you think, ‘Fuck this shit.
Channel 4 original comedy The End of the F***ing World was distributed by Netflix internationally on January 5th, 2018.
James
Phil
Alyssa
“I’ve seen you skating. You’re pretty shit.” — Alyssa
Gwen
Tony
