Sony Pictures original film Men in Black was released July 2nd, 1997.
The #MIB franchise hauled in $1.688B at the international box office.
rottentomatoes: 91%
metacritic: 72
imdb: 7.3
oscars: 1 win
golden globes: 1 nomination
Agent Jay
James Edwards III is recruited into an organization that monitors extraterrestrial activity in Manhattan, New York.
“Freeze! NYPD! Freeze! Freeze means stop! Yo! Whoa! What the hell? All right! Come on! It just be raining black people in New York! Do you see this? Huh? N-Y-P-D! Means I will knock your punk-ass down! Yeah, and when he gets here, I’ll arrest his ass, too! Oh, you trying to catch a beat down, huh? What’s up? Yeah, well, you just pissing everybody off today, huh? What the hell are you? Hey, watch that ledge. Watch the ledge! Wait! Look, look. Come on down. We’ll get those eyes fixed, don’t even worry about it. All right, look. Wait, wait a minute! Let me talk to you! Hey, hey!” — Jay
“No, sir. He blinked one set, then he blinked a completely different set. After, sir. Well, sir, some of the other officers are a little soggy around the midsection. I guess that’s why they weren’t able to keep up. What the hell are you talking about? I am half he man that you are. My problem is you being all up in my damn face! That’s my problem! Oh, really? Maybe you next! Take ten minutes on a Stairmaster, you pudgy bastard. Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute! Yeah, some night. Who are you? Yeah, he said the world was coming to an end. Absolutely. Wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Look, I got tons of paperwork and…” — Jay
“So, who exactly are you with? FBI? NSA? Yeah, whatever. This is where we going? This is Jack Jeebs’ spot. He buys from chain snatchers. He doesn’t even sell guns. All right, look, I’m gonna slide up in here and I’m gonna put my thing down, but when I come back out, I want some real answers. Well, the way I hear it, Jeebs, you’re into something a little hotter than some stolen Rolexes. I’m talking about guns, smart ass. Weird ones. He’ll do it, Jeebs. I’m telling you, that man does not look stable. But, you know what? Talk to me. He is just crazy when he’s like this. Drop the weapon and put your hands on your head! Drop the weapon! Don’t make me kill you! Right there. The one in the middle. Yeah, and… and I’m gonna be back to talk about them Rolexes.” — Jay
“Yeah, well, that’s not exactly some shit you just forget. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, wait, wait a minute. Who are you? Yeah. This dude gave me this card the other day. Yeah, I’m sorry. Maybe you already answered this, but why exactly are we here? Your boy, Captain America over here. ‘The best of the best of the best, sir.’ Yeah, ‘with honors.’ Yeah, he’s just really excited and he has no clue why we’re here. That’s just… that’s very funny to me. Y’all ain’t laughing, though. Wanna get down on this?” — Jay
“Hesitated. Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir. Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light and then I realized, you know, he’s just working out. How would I feel if somebody come running in the gym, bust me in my ass while I’m on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I’m realizing, you know, he’s not snarling, he’s sneezing! You know, ain’t no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I’m thinking, you know, eight year old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books. She about to start some shit, Zed. She’s about eight years old. Those books are way too advanced for her. If you ask me, I say she’s up to something. And to be honest I’d appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. Or do I owe her an apology? That was a good shot, though, right?” — Jay
“Yo! Hey, man, what the hell is all this? Oh, you brought that tall man some flowers. Oh! Uh-huh. So, these are real flying saucers and the World’s Fair was just a cover-up for their landing? Look, I’m sorry, but, not to change the subject or anything, but when was the last time you got a CAT scan? Right, you should make another appointment. Look, tell your boy Zed I had an absolutely wonderful time, and thank you for everything, but why don’t you show me the door? No, thank you. I’m fine.” — Jay
“Cab drivers. But why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it. What’s the catch? Hey! Is it worth it? What’s up, pops? All right, I’m in. Because, look, there’s some next level shit going on around here and I’m with that. But before y’all got to beaming me up, there’s a couple thing I want you to understand. First off, you chose me, so you recognize the skills. And I don’t want nobody calling me ‘son’ or ‘kid’ or ‘sport’ or nothing like that. Cool? Hey, what branch of the government do we report to? So, who pays for all this? Hey what’s this thing? Okay! Just keep calm. Just be… relax! Okay! Watch your head! Somebody get him some ice! Look out… move! Just move when it’s coming at you! Oh, damn! I will pay for that! Sorry, y’all. It was an accident. Sorry. Oh, man!” — Jay
“Well, no, it makes perfect sense! When I was in third grade, everybody told me I was crazy, but I knew our teacher had to be from, like, Venus or something like that. Put what on? You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look good.” — Jay
“‘We’re not hosting an intergalactic kegger.’ Zed. He just… unlimited technology from the whole universe and we cruise around in a Ford P.O.S. See, now we got to work on your people skills. You know, you’d get a much better reaction if you were a little more polite. Whoa, that was good. Did your hurt yourself? Ooh! What? Me?” — Jay
Agent Kay
“We’ll take it from here. INS, Division Six. Really? What do you got your money on, Dee? What’s up, how are you? Good, good. Okay. Grandma, don’t worry. Welcome to the United States. Where are you going, Nogales? Looking for work? And you, the same? And you? Pleasure seeing you here. And you? What if I break your face? You’re very ugly, no? You don’t speak a word of Spanish. We got a winner here, Dee. The rest of you can leave. Get in the truck and leave. Don’t ‘sir’ me, young man. You have no idea who you’re dealing with. Get in the truck right now! We’re gonna have a little chat with our friend here. You fellas can hit the road. Keep on protecting us from the dangerous aliens.”
“Looks like you fell off the bus in the wrong part of town, amigo. In fact, I’m gonna bet dollars to pesos you’re not from anywhere near here. Mikey? Mikey, when’d they let you out of jail? Political refugee, right? One? That’s enough, Mikey. You hand me that head. Put up your arms and all your flippers. Ah, shit. Dee, shoot him! Dee! That. Was not human, I know. Oh, looks like you got some entrails on you there, pal. The situation’s under control. Calm down, please. Give me your attention for a moment, and I’ll be glad to tell you what happened. This is called a neuralizer. It’s a gift from some friends out-of-town. This red eye here will isolate the electronic impulses in your brains, the more specifically, the ones for memory. Well, that’s good, fellows. Give me a splay burn around the perimeter with holes at forty, sixty and eighty meters from right here. Thank you! That’s good! Thank you. Excellent question. And the answer you’re looking for lies right here.”
“Really? I am just a figment of your imagination. Damn, what a gullible breed. I’m serious, fellows, you’re lucky to be alive after a blast like that. The underground gas vein, genius! You fellows need to exercise a lot more caution before discharging your firearms. I’ll tell you that right now! Especially you! And have yourself checked out with EMS on the other side of the hill before you leave. Well, it happens. What? No. No, Dee, you won’t.”
“Excuse me. You’re Dr. Weaver with the coroner’s office working on the John Doe, right? Will you look at this, please? Some night, huh? They were gills, not eyelids. Gills. He was out of breath. Did he say anything to you? Did he say when? Would you recognize that weapon of his if you saw it again? Come on. Let’s take a ride. Right. It’s all done. You really ran this dude down on foot? That’s tough, kid. That’s double tough.”
“I’m part of a bureau that licenses, monitors and polices alien activity on the planet Earth. We’re here. Yeah. Really? Okay, go put your thing down. Why don’t you show him the imports, Jeebs. Show him the imports right now. Why do you lie to me, Jeebs? I hate it when you lie. I’m gonna count to three! One… …two… …three. I warned him. You warned him. Show us the merchandise or you’re gonna lose another head, Jeebs. Mr. Edwards? You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopod. Jeebs, you piece of… it must have been for an assassination. Who’s the target? God damn it, Jeebs! All right, let’s confiscate it. All of it. And I want you on the next transport off this rock or I’m gonna shoot you where it don’t grow back.”
“Searching for a handle on the moment? I can’t help you. The only comfort I can offer is my promise that tomorrow morning you won’t remember a thing. Have you ever seen one of these, son? So… so, she looks over to her husband, then she sets it back down in her lap and she says, ‘honey, this one’s eating my popcorn!’ Did you get it? This one’s eating my… oh, I got to go. Thanks for the egg rolls, kid. You see what I mean about tequila? You’re a very bright young man, James, but you need to lay off the sauce. I’ll see you bright and early, 9:00. Be there or be square.”
“So do I. But this kid ran down a cephalopod on foot, boss. That’s got to be tough enough. Where you going? Back in the mid 1950s, the government started a little under-funded agency with the simple and laughable purpose with establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everybody thought the agency was a joke except the aliens who made contact March 2, 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us the first night. Seven agents, one astronomer, and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road. This way. They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted to use the Earth as an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet. Did you ever see the movie Casablanca? The same thing, except no Nazis. We agreed and we concealed all the evidence of their landing. Why else would we hold it in Queens? More non-humans arrive every year and they live among us in secret. About six months ago. It’s company policy. All right. I’m gonna get some coffee. You want some coffee? Okay. How you doing, fellows? That’s not decaf, is it? Don’t tell me we only go that powdered stuff for cream again. I hate that stuff. Well, that’s good. Good, good. You guys getting along all right? Well, don’t work too hard. Sure you don’t want some coffee?”
“All right kid, here’s the deal. At any given time, there are around 1,500 aliens on the planet. Most of them, right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough. They’re just trying to make a living. Not as many as you’d think. Humans, for the most part, don’t have a clue. They don’t want one or need one, either. They’re happy. They think they have a good bead on things. A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it. 1,500 years ago, everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you knew that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you’ll know tomorrow. The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere. Ever. I’ll give you to sunrise to think it over. Oh, yeah, it’s worth it. If you’re strong enough.”
“Cool. Whatever you say, slick. But I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely dick. You wanna stay away from that guy. He’s… he’s grouchy. A three hour delay in customs after a trip of seventeen trillion miles is gonna make anybody cranky. You know what I mean? Well, none. They ask too many questions. We hold the patents on a few gadgets we confiscated from out-of-state visitors. Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction. This is a fascinating little gadget. It’s gonna replace CDs soon. Guess I’ll have to buy the White Album again. That is a lot of fun. It’s a universal translator. We’re not even supposed to have it and I’ll tell you why. Human thought is so primitive, it’s looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn’t it? Don’t touch that ball! This thing caused the 1977 New York blackout. A practical joke by the Great Attracter. He thought it was funny as hell.”
“Observation, the heart of our little endeavor. Meet the twins, Biblup and Bob. This map shows the location of every registered alien on Earth at any given time. Some of them under constant surveillance. Everyone on those screens is an alien. In public, they’re as normal as you are, but in private, well… you’ll get the idea. Doesn’t make any sense, does it? Ms. Edelson. Jupiter, actually. Well, one of the moons.”
“Landed alien out of zone. Who is it? Fasten your seat belt. Fasten your seat belt, please. The red button there, kid, don’t ever, ever touch the red button. Like to see your license and registration, please. Like to see your other license and registration, please. All right, your resident alien card has you restricted to the island of Manhattan. Where are you going, Redgie? Oh, all right. Okay, no big deal. Okay, you come with me, Redge. And, uh, and you handle this!”
Edgar
“I go out. I work my butt off to make a living. All I want is to come home to a nice clean house and a nice fat steak on the table, but, instead, I get this. It looks like poison. Don’t you take that away! I’m eating that, damn it! It is poison, isn’t it? I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog been hit too much or ain’t been hit enough. I can’t make up my mind. You’re useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my God damn truck! Figures. Get your big butt back in the house! You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, fingers.”
“Place projectile weapon on the ground. Your proposal is acceptable. Sugar. Give me sugar. In water. More. More! Oh, yeah! Ah. Is that better?”
“Just what exactly do you think you’re doing here? Pest problem? Pest? You know, I’ve noticed an infestation here. Everywhere I look, in fact. Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum, totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short pointless lives. Oh, in the worst way.”
“Gave him a break! You’re right about one thing!”
Zed
“You’re late. Sit down. My name is Zed. You’re all here because you’re the best of the best. Marines, Air Force, Navy SEALs, Army Rangers, NYPD. And we’re looking for one of you. Just one. What will follow is a series of simple tests for motor skills, concentration, stamina. I see we have a question. Son? What’s so funny, Edwards? Okay, let’s get going.”
“Edwards, what the hell happened? May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die? How’d you come to that conclusion? He’s got a real problem with authority. Let’s hope you know what you’re doing. Gentlemen, congratulations. You’re everything we’ve come to expect from years of government training. And now, if you’ll just follow me, we have one more test to administer. An eye exam. All right, gentlemen, if you look directly at the end of this device, we’ll administer the eye test.”
“Edwards, let’s put it on! The last suit you’ll ever wear. You will dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services. You’ll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on, you’ll have no identifying marks of any kind. You will not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You are a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu, and dismissed just as quickly. You don’t exist. You were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence, your native tongue. You are no longer part of the system. You are above the system. Over it. Beyond it. We’re ‘them.’ We’re ‘they.’ We are the Men in Black.”
“Okay, let’s see. Bee, we’ve got the deposed sur-perfect of Sinalee touching down in the forest outside Portland tonight. You wish. Bring a sponge. And, here. Red letter from last night. We had an unauthorized landing somewhere in upstate New York. Kay, keep your ears opened on this one. We’re not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here. Well, well, well, we got a skimmer! Redgick. He’s not cleared to leave Manhattan, but he’s way out of town right now, stuck on the New Jersey Turnpike. Why don’t you take Junior here with you? This is a good one for him to warm up on. Go get ’em, tiger.”
Jeebs
“Officer Eduardo! Oh! Hey! How did these get here? I thought I turned these in to the proper authorities. Well, sure, I’m a huge crack dealer now, but I still work here ’cause I love the hours. Come on, Edwards. What you see is what I got. Hey, Kay. How are you? Yo, I got out of that business a long time ago. Now, just hold on a second. He’s always crazy! Why don’t you get a massage? Take a cruise or… you insensitive prick! Do you have any idea how much that stings? He looked all right to me. You know, I don’t know. I don’t know!”
Beatrice
“What the hell is it, Edgar? Edgar, what on Earth was that? I’ve never seen sugar do that. Edgar, your skin is hanging off your bones.”
Laurel Weaver
“I believe you. Laurel Weaver, Deputy Medical Examiner. find me at the morgue on 26th. I’ll show you. Yes, that’s right.”
MIB
“Help you? Elevator.”
“Oh, shit! Hi, Kay! Hi, Kay! Viennese Cinnamon. So, you guys seen the Cahuengas on that payroll? Cahuengas, yeah, but how about the zapoata?”
“Kay. Due to asteroid turbulence, the 4:15 to Osiris will be delayed. Purpose of trip? Diplomatic mission. Duration of stay? Lunch. Any fruits or vegetables? The transport from Xenderfloip has docked. Please meet your party outside the detainment area.”
“Humanoid?”
Agent Dee
“Tough call, Kay. Oh, I know! You know how many treaties you just violated? Try seven! I’m sorry about back there. Didn’t used to. The spirit’s willing, Kay, but the rest of me… they’re beautiful, aren’t they? The stars. We never just look anymore. I’ll tell you, Kay, I will miss the chase.”
Cops
“Well, Nick the Dick! What a surprise! Where you coming from, Nick? I’m sure you are. What do you say we take a look at your catch, huh? Come on. Oh, me, I would have thrown them back! So, Nick, what do you get? Like 100 bucks a head here? 200? Hope you saved it all for your lawyer, my friend, because you are gonna need it. Who the hell are you? Division Six? I never head of Division Six. Don’t move! Sir! Sir, you can’t just… did you ever hear of Division Six? There is no Division Six. Uh-huh. This is bullshit. Hell, yeah. That was… what the hell? What the hell is going on? Who are you, really? What blast?”
“All yours, Edwards!”
“‘Perpetrator then blinked two sets of eyelids.’ You mean, blinked with both eyes? You know, like high beams and low beams. Was that before or after he drew the weapon that you claim evaporated into a million pieces? And why is it that none of the other officers saw either of these two events? Hey, Edwards, if you were half the man I am… hey, what is your problem? You know, I think he threw him off the roof! Sergeant, I wanna talk to you. Ten minutes, you take your best shot, tough guy! Outside. Now! Good work, Edwards.”
New York
“Well, well, well, moving right in, are we? Think we own the place? Yeah, I got a little eviction notice for you, boys. I’m taking care of your pest problem. Yeah. You got a hell of an infestation here. Well, yeah. Uh, don’t you wanna get rid of them?”
“Second Lieutenant Jake Jensen. West Point. Graduate with honors. We’re here because you’re looking for the best of the best of the best, sir!”
“Revolve. Class be quiet and pay attention! If I have to tell you one more time…”
“All right, bub, that’ll be $72 there.”
“Six is up! Where is Ivan? Hey, stop that guy! You’re not going anywhere, pal! What’s going on, man? Hey, hey, hey, easy!”
“Well, it’s my wife. She’s… well, look.”
Arquillians
“We’re gonna go for a little ride, you and me. I’ll put you down here for just a minute, then Daddy’ll be right back. Okay, now we’re ready to go for a little ride. And we’re gonna meet one of Daddy’s friends and you’re gonna like him a lot.”
“Okay, sweetie, let me pay the impolite driver. Sorry I’m late. The cab drivers on this planet are terrible. Your Majesty, you are in grave danger. Yeah, and they overcharge you every time. Sir, a bug landed here. We must get you off the planet. A bug? He must know why I’m here. We think he does. Is that what I think it is? No, just some diamonds for your children. Do we have time to eat? Sure. I ordered you some Pirogi.”
“To the continued reign of the Arquillian Empire. To the safety of the Galaxy. You can kill us both, but you will not find the galaxy.”
Cephalopod
“He’s coming! He’s coming! No. He’s coming. He’s coming because I failed. And now he’ll kill me, too. You don’t understand. Your world’s gonna end!”
Nogales
“God damn bugs! Oh, shit! Oh, crap! Fishing in Cuernavaca.”
